Chris Rock Quotes & Sayings

I pray there's a God ... I know there's an Oprah. — Chris Rock

I know what you're thinking: why is Chris Rock bagging groceries? But I dropped out of high school in the tenth grade, so if I couldn't tell jokes this is exactly what I'd be doing. — Chris Rock

My goals were small. My goal was to become a big enough stand-up that I wouldn't have to do radio. I could sell out a club, which is like 300 seats. If I got big enough, I could sell before I got there, and I wouldn't have to get up at 6 in the morning to do radio. That was pretty much the dream. I had no idea I'd be playing Madison Square Garden or anything. — Chris Rock

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know? — Chris Rock

If Bill Gates woke up with Oprah's money he'd jump out the window. — Chris Rock

The two best things you can do for a person is have sex or make them laugh. — Chris Rock

America is the greatest country in the whole world. — Chris Rock

I am just here to support the President of the United States. President of the United States is our boss, but he is also ... you know, the President and the First Lady are kinda like the Mom and the Dad of the country. And when your Dad says something you listen, and when you don't it will usually bite you on the ass later on. So, I'm here to support the President. — Chris Rock

If you see a black woman with an overweight white man, you know she got effed up credit! — Chris Rock

Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you. — Chris Rock

I get approached to do shows all the time. There's a lot of money in sitcoms, but I've never been the kind of guy who wanted to do one. I don't think people want to see me saying "Honey, I'm home." It's just not my thing. — Chris Rock

I've told Michael Jackson jokes. If you got really technical, you could say those are jokes about child molestation. You could, if you got technical. A lot of this is just selective outrage because honestly, the audience are the ones that tell us that something shouldn't be spoken. The audience lets us know. And I've never, in my almost 30 years of being a comedian, seen a comedian continue to tell a joke that the audience doesn't respond to. I've never seen it. — Chris Rock

I want to really take chances. I want to be funny in a lot of different ways. I'd like to be great. I want to reach for greatness. — Chris Rock

You got a gun, you don't have to work out. — Chris Rock

I realized with Broadway everything written for black people is usually written in the past, and I'm kind of a contemporary guy. I don't think you want to see me in 'Raisin in the Sun'. — Chris Rock

When a musical act performs, the black audience goes crazy for all the stuff, the album cuts, everything. White audiences, they're nice and all, but they're not going to lose it until they get the hits. Comedy is the same thing. — Chris Rock

Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won! — Chris Rock

I ain't shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs. — Chris Rock

I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack. That should be the name of my new DVD: 'Chris Rock: Slightly Above Hack'. — Chris Rock

I love my life, but I don't think I'm any happier than my younger brother Andre, who drives a garbage truck. — Chris Rock

I think if I were to get as big as I could get, it does change your mind-state. I think like the little man. I think like the underdog. I don't want to change that. — Chris Rock

It's like, hmm, there's people with $2000 weaves that could have bought health care with that weave money. They don't have insurance. People want what they want. And I guess that is a reason we have this big credit card problem and a lot of these foreclosures. — Chris Rock

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do. — Chris Rock

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty. — Chris Rock

Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest! — Chris Rock

My mother is the kind of woman you don't want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons. — Chris Rock

I never watched the Oscars. Come on, it's a fashion show ... What straight black man sits there and watches the Oscars? Show me one. And they don't recognize comedy, and you don't see a lot of black people nominated, so why should I watch it? — Chris Rock

We Americans commercialize everything. Look at what we did to Christmas. Christmas is Jesus' birthday. Now, I don't know Jesus, but from what I read he was the least materialistic person who ever walked the earth. No bling on Jesus. He kept a low profile and we turned his birthday into the most commercial day of the year. In fact we have a whole Jesus birthday season. And then at the end of it, we have the nerve to have an economist come on TV and say what a horrible Jesus birthday season we had. — Chris Rock

I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!' — Chris Rock

All people naturally hate. My kid bites people now. I didn't teach my kid to bite anybody. Kids say mean stuff. Only through love do we get this evil out of them. Only through love and structure and discipline do they not hate. The kids that hate didn't learn anything, that's the problem. — Chris Rock

I'm an independent, but I got to admit I lean Democratic. — Chris Rock

School shootings were invented by blacks ... and stolen by the white man. — Chris Rock

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right. — Chris Rock

You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white. — Chris Rock

When you have kids, there's no such thing as quality time. There's just time. There's no, 'Ooh, his graduation's better than going to the mall.' It's all kind of equal. Changing her diaper and her winning a contest - it's all good. — Chris Rock

Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie. — Chris Rock

I say everything's about company. A gourmet meal with an asshole is a horrible meal. A hot dog with an interesting person is an amazing meal. — Chris Rock

You can't have anything valuable in your house. Niggers will break in and take it all! Everything white people don't like about black people, black people don't like about black people. It's like our own personal civil war. On one side, there's black people. On the other, you've got niggers. The niggers have got to go. I love black people, but I hate niggers. I am tired of niggers. Tired, tired, tired. — Chris Rock

When I hear people talk about juggling, or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy, because 'sacrifice' infers that there was something better to do than being with your children. — Chris Rock

Whatever your woman is into, you better be into. Whatever your man is into, you better be N2. Your partner into church, you better be into church. Your man or woman a crack head, you better be a crack head ... Otherwise it just won't work. — Chris Rock

Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man. — Chris Rock

I kind of keep my personality in my pocket a lot. When I start to do stand-up, that's not my true personality either. It's the personality of a guy who hasn't been able to say what he wanted to say. — Chris Rock

Being with my kids is the best, most fun thing; it's a privilege. — Chris Rock

Emotional affairs, those are the only real affairs; those are the real ones. — Chris Rock

I've been married for 10 years and, you know, it's hard, you spruce it up and you go places. How do you spruce up anything? Artificially. You go places and do things. — Chris Rock

So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America ... but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's doing that to keep the Feds off her back. — Chris Rock

I think anybody in front of a crowd is a comedian. — Chris Rock

Being a comedian is a lot like being an athlete. If you're Carl Lewis and you're the fastest, then no matter what you're the fastest. — Chris Rock

I'll probably pay more attention to the musicians in the pit than the stars because they're the closest you're going to get to normal people in the audience. — Chris Rock

I have no idea what my best material is. Different people like different things. I'll say this: The political stuff gets the press, but the relationship jokes sell all the seats. — Chris Rock

Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check ... is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!" — Chris Rock

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special. — Chris Rock

When you make comedy, you make it for the people and you try to have as many screenings and as many tests and you do focus groups and you read the cards and you try to give the people what they want in this comedy. — Chris Rock

There's a lot of racism going on. Who's more racist, black people or white people? It's black people! You know why? Because we hate black people too! Everything white people don't like about black people, black people really don't like about black people. — Chris Rock

No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.' — Chris Rock

I live way below my means. — Chris Rock

Men lie the most. Men lie all the time. — Chris Rock

I see guys who can't make 10 percent of what I make, and yet they have four Bentleys, three houses, and four bodyguards. — Chris Rock

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other. — Chris Rock

You can't fake comedy - it's not like a movie, where a director can just cast a pretty face. — Chris Rock

Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a arguement. It's impossble you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense — Chris Rock

Oprah is rich; Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out of a ... window and slit his throat on the way down saying, 'I can't even put gas in my plane!' — Chris Rock

Oprah is so rich, I saw John Kerry proposing to her. — Chris Rock

Every now and then I'm in a situation where someone doesn't recognize me, and I experience racism. Things like not being buzzed into a store or sitting in first class on a plane and having someone ask to see my ticket four times. — Chris Rock

I do what I can do when I can do it. — Chris Rock

When you're white, the sky's the limit. When you're black, the limit's the sky. — Chris Rock

Most parts in comedy, they're not really written for men. They're written for, like, these boy-men. — Chris Rock

Black comics, they only watch Black comedians. You're a comedian; you're not just a Black comedian. You're a comedian. I try to get that through to everybody. — Chris Rock

You don't pay taxes; they take them from your check. That's not a payment - that's a 'jack. — Chris Rock

Stop the violence! Can't we all just get along? — Chris Rock

I can't even put gas in my plane! — Chris Rock

People are always going to, you know, find something wrong with people who are not the exact same as them. That's just what it is. Black, white, short, tall, religions, whatever. People are bad. — Chris Rock

When you've been on a ghetto diet your entire life, you're just happy to get a large soda instead of a medium. — Chris Rock

I never wanted to churn it out. Comedians tend to work all the time. They never put it down like musicians who might make an album then take three or four years off to recharge their batteries. Comedians tend to work straight through and they get stale because of that. Even when I didn't have a lot of money I never ever did it unless I had something new to say. — Chris Rock

I love having somebody there - that companion thing. You know who you're going to eat with, who you're going to see a movie with. — Chris Rock

If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you. — Chris Rock

Bill Cosby was the first comedian I was exposed to, because he doesn't curse. — Chris Rock

You know you're rich when you have to drive for a half hour to get to your house once you're on your property. — Chris Rock

America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach. — Chris Rock

Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world. — Chris Rock

Nobody ever says, 'Hey daddy, thanks for knockin' out this rent.' 'Hey daddy, I sure love this hot water.' 'Hey daddy, it's easy to read with all this light.' Nobody give a fk about dads! — Chris Rock

Kennedy didn't beat Nixon. Satire beat Nixon. — Chris Rock

You want to track Hollywood careers, look in the real estate section. You see a guy buy a house that costs $6 million, and you can literally start counting the days until he starts doing crappy movies. — Chris Rock

I met so many people after I got rich and famous, and I learned that you can't ultimately trust people unless they were your friends when you were broke. — Chris Rock

After I left high school and got my GED, I studied broadcast journalism for a year at a community college. — Chris Rock

I think it's better to have ideas. — Chris Rock

Movies have takes. But plays are like life - you don't really get takes. — Chris Rock

My first year on 'SNL', I made $90,000 dollars. And I bought a red Corvette for $45,000 dollars. I'm thinking, 'I've got 45 grand left!' Taxes didn't even come into my equation. At the end of the first year of making 90 grand I was 25, 30 in the hole. We live in this baller, spend-money culture. — Chris Rock

I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day. — Chris Rock

It's weird with stand-up comedy. It doesn't really translate worldwide. I want to figure out how do I make it worldwide. Do a special in Africa. Can't beat that. Pull that off, then I will have done something. — Chris Rock

Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was to be a teenager. Boy, was I wrong. — Chris Rock

People say, 'Why is he bored with her?' Because he's a human being, that's why; same way his wife is bored with him. That is marriage - anything that's supposed to be forever, your going to get bored with it. And there is nothing wrong with it, so don't take it personal; if you are with somebody for ten years and they are not bored with you? Then something is wrong with them. — Chris Rock

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing. — Chris Rock

Eddie Murphy is to comedians what Nicki Minaj is to Spanx. — Chris Rock

I don't think my comedy is that political. It's more social. But whatever. When you make comedy and you do stand-up, you work alone. Movies have to go under so much scrutiny. A stand-up special is a vision, and a movie is a consensus in a lot of ways. — Chris Rock

I always say there's no more little girls, just boys with breasts. Girls act like boys nowadays. Teenage girls, they go after boys. They're predatory just like boys. My goal is to keep my girls, girls. — Chris Rock

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more? — Chris Rock

Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor. — Chris Rock

I think all the funny people were bullied. When they talk about outlawing bullying, it's like, what? You want no Comedy Central? — Chris Rock

See, the Black man gotta fly to get to something the white man can walk to. — Chris Rock