Chelsea Handler Quotes & Sayings

MTV is known for their huge budget. — Chelsea Handler

The important thing is to be drunk. — Chelsea Handler

Kobe beef is not named after Kobe Bryant. Do not make this mistake. — Chelsea Handler

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline. — Chelsea Handler

Everyone is coming from a place of fear and my feeling is stop being so afraid. If something doesn't work then that's fine at least then you know it doesn't work. Don't worry so much about it not working, you can always fix that. — Chelsea Handler

First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole. — Chelsea Handler

Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them to do adult things like drive cars, Jet-Ski, and lip-synch. I'm in awe of their little limbs, their large craniums, and their medicine-ball asses. I love the little baby steps they take while shifting their weight from side to side, and the fact that when you knock one over accidentally, he flails like a turtle on its back that can't get up right away. — Chelsea Handler

I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever. — Chelsea Handler

I was a fitness fiasco - until I found Pilates ... It's been the most gentle on my body I'm longer and leaner and much more graceful. I can honestly say it's changed my body - and my life. — Chelsea Handler

Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.
Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea — Chelsea Handler

Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you're ready to have a baby. — Chelsea Handler

I'm a worker. I like to work and I like to provide work for other people. I like to put people on my show who normally would never have a chance at being on television. — Chelsea Handler

I definitely don't want to have kids. I don't think I'd be a great mother. I don't want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don't have the time to raise a child. — Chelsea Handler

I love Sandra Bullock. I think everybody loves her. — Chelsea Handler

It's just hard to go from seeing elephants living their lives in the wild and not being bothered by humans, to seeing them put in a bunker every night and then being forced to take assholes like us on rides. — Chelsea Handler

I think you do need two terms as a president. — Chelsea Handler

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times. — Chelsea Handler

You should always speak your mind and be bold and obnoxious and do whatever you want and dont let anybody tell you to stop it — Chelsea Handler

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself. — Chelsea Handler

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak. — Chelsea Handler

For the gay and lesbian community, even though I'm not gay I think its really important to speak out for people that aren't necessarily dealing with the same circumstances you're dealing with and don't have the benefit of the health care system or the government that you do. — Chelsea Handler

I don't pretend to be a great interviewer; I don't even pretend to be good at my job. — Chelsea Handler

I looked around the room trying to think of a situation that could be any worse than this, and decided that the only thing that could be worse than prison was the navy. — Chelsea Handler

First of all, who cares if people hate you? There's always a guarantee that certain people will dislike you. There's never any guarantee that anyone will like you. So if anyone likes you at all, you've already won. — Chelsea Handler

I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows. — Chelsea Handler

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you're a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody. — Chelsea Handler

We went to a Barnes and Noble, where I picked up an unauthorized
biography of M.C. Hammer, and not wanting to overload her on her first
book, I steered Dumb Dumb toward a Choose Your Own Adventure. — Chelsea Handler

They travel in groups. You never see an Asian by their self. — Chelsea Handler

I had always dreamed of being a professional escort but never thought that there was any real money in it. — Chelsea Handler

I remember having a conversation with my sister, saying, 'What if I don't make it? What if I'm still waiting tables when I'm 35?' I was just at the end of my rope. But I've been at the end of that rope several times. — Chelsea Handler

Unless you're playing Who's Hiding the Ecstasy?, I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it. I've got plans. Don't married people know that the last thing a single person wants to do on a Friday night is play a nutty game of Yahtzee? I'd rather take a bubble bath with my father. — Chelsea Handler

You can't have friendships that aren't based on realness. — Chelsea Handler

There's only so much you can say about celebrity, obviously. — Chelsea Handler

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate. — Chelsea Handler

I never considered myself a supermodel or anything like that. I mean, I don't think I'm ugly. I have good days and bad days, and I like when I'm fit and lean and all of those things that any woman likes, but it's not the eye of the hurricane for me. — Chelsea Handler

Hulk Hogan's wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon. — Chelsea Handler

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather. — Chelsea Handler

Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there? — Chelsea Handler

When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me? — Chelsea Handler

We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself. — Chelsea Handler

As the youngest of six kids, I grew up spending summers on Martha's Vineyard, and I was always topless. All the pictures are of me in jean shorts, no shirt - with my brothers, playing football. — Chelsea Handler

I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle. — Chelsea Handler

This was just the way I imagined myself around Nancy Grace
available, yet distant. — Chelsea Handler

I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth. — Chelsea Handler

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends. — Chelsea Handler

I had no involvement with any extracurricular activities at school, mostly because the one time I tried out for cheerleading I was summoned to the nurse's office the next morning to be tested for scoliosis. Sometime — Chelsea Handler

The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting. — Chelsea Handler

There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning. — Chelsea Handler

Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie's baby shower, and they're serving sushi. Awesome, Paris - sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury. — Chelsea Handler

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter. — Chelsea Handler

I've always had a big personality. I was trickier as a kid. I behaved erratically instead of consistently. I would have tons of friends, and then I would have no friends. I'd be with the cool girls, then the uncool girls. I migrated from group to group because I was bored or people got bored with me. I was very intense. — Chelsea Handler

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot. — Chelsea Handler

I try not to cheat on my boyfriends when I have them. — Chelsea Handler

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack. — Chelsea Handler

Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks. — Chelsea Handler

Don't think about anything for too long. Even if it's off-the-wall, go for it. You'll have a lot more fun in life. — Chelsea Handler

I hate when men think that money is gonna buy you happiness ... I mean, it helps. — Chelsea Handler

The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever. — Chelsea Handler

We're seeking out such grossness in human behavior and want such mindless entertainment. 'The Real Housewives of Atlanta' and some of these other shows are more racist. Or '16 and Pregnant.' Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you're a teenager? Are you serious? — Chelsea Handler

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception. — Chelsea Handler

I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense. — Chelsea Handler

It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes. — Chelsea Handler

Angelina Jolie's older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it's not that weird. After all, he could be the father. — Chelsea Handler

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around. — Chelsea Handler

The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life. — Chelsea Handler

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers. — Chelsea Handler

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor'
always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own. — Chelsea Handler

Women don't have to be jealous of other women. — Chelsea Handler

Hilarious, insightful, and smart. A must-read for anyone who wears clothes. — Chelsea Handler

My father has a high opinion of his opinion — Chelsea Handler

I wanted to be famous. It's embarrassing to admit, but I came out to L.A. thinking it would happen in no time. I thought, 'Once they see me, they'll be so glad I came.' I always had a ridiculous amount of self-confidence about what was going to happen to me. — Chelsea Handler

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. — Chelsea Handler

One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern. — Chelsea Handler

It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there's a Mexican. — Chelsea Handler

I could tell the raciest things these women had ever been involved in was a co-ed game of Connect Four. — Chelsea Handler

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them. — Chelsea Handler

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people. — Chelsea Handler

I think nudity is funny, especially when it's inappropriate. — Chelsea Handler

Yes, of course I want to get married, but does that mean I'm not allowed to go out and have a good time? Am I supposed to just marry any schmuck that comes along? And by the way, here's a newsflash, Hammertoes. Nobody wants to marry me, anyway. — Chelsea Handler

The great thing about rejection is that it doesn't matter how many times you get rejected. All that needs to happen is if for one person to tell you 'yes' and then everybody else can go f*** themselves. — Chelsea Handler

We agreed on the basic Brazilian - right after I downed a Vicodin. I don't know who thought up waxing, but it was clearly the same person who invented Vicodin. Finally, the Tuesday of my — Chelsea Handler

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people. — Chelsea Handler

Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one. — Chelsea Handler

At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer. — Chelsea Handler

Rumer Willis was having a great time at the opening of a club when her twin walked in, also known as her dad, Bruce Willis. How embarrassing for her, she's out with her friends and they're like, 'Umm, Rumer, I think your dad put something in my drink.' — Chelsea Handler

I rolled over and picked up Us Weekly magazine off the floor. The cover had a picture of Angelina, Brad, and their little Eskimo son, Maddox. I saw staring at the photo, wondering why this little boy looks so pissed off in every picture.
At first I thought he was just pissed about his Mohawk, but then I realized he's probably furious. Maddox must have thought he hit the jackpot when some A-list celebrity rescued him from third-world Cambodia, only to discover that she was going to shuffle him back and for the to EVERY other third-world country in the universe. He's probably like, 'When the fuck are we gonna get to Malibu, bitch? — Chelsea Handler

Seconds later, the female security officer grabbed a pair of my father's shorts from the top of the duffel bag, and emptied out the contents of his pockets. A lighter, three nail files, a pocket wrench, a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a nectarine fell onto the folding table. I looked at the woman, looked at my father, and then looked around to see if anyone else was watching.
"What's the problem?" my father asked the woman.
"Sir, I'm going to have to take this lighter away from you," she said.
"The lighter?" I asked her. "What about the bomb kit he's carrying around? He could do a lot more damage to a person with that wrench."
"I need the wrench!" he shrieked.
"For what?"
"What if something goes wrong with the plane? — Chelsea Handler

You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case. — Chelsea Handler

I had heard my brothers and sisters use curse words but had never dared use one myself in front of anyone. But I had practiced alone in my room lots of times, trying out different cadences and into nations: 'Fuck, fuck, fuck you, fucknut. Shit, shitstain, fucker! Go fuck a duck, you asswipe!' My favorite was, 'What a fucking cocksucker.' The plan was to say this casually to one of my new friends while one of our teachers walked by. No one in kindergarten ever really got my sense of humor, so I was hell-bent on making my mark in the first grade. — Chelsea Handler

A Catholic priest who's been sending threatening notes to Conan O'Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads. — Chelsea Handler

What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don't have to exercise a constitutional right just because you have it. You have the constitutional right to run for president of the United States, but most people have too much sense to insist on exercising it. — Chelsea Handler

The next step for me is not 'The Tonight Show.' That's a job for Jimmy Fallon. I'm way too divisive for a show like that. — Chelsea Handler

I think everyone's afraid of public speaking. There have been times where I've come out of my own show and been like, 'Oh, God, what am I doing?' ... You have to remind yourself that 'OK, I'm kind of a badass. I can handle it.' — Chelsea Handler

I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory. — Chelsea Handler

We checked our bags and got on line with some of our fellow passengers. Judging from the looks of them, it was clear that they were members of a different income bracket from the people I preferred to surround myself with. But since I also wasn't from the income bracket I preferred, I held off on voicing my initial feelings of despair. — Chelsea Handler

The whole point of remaining on cable is to remain true to who I am. That's a bad, bad girl that got a big job. — Chelsea Handler

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house. — Chelsea Handler

It takes me a while to get my appetite going when I wake up early. — Chelsea Handler

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top. — Chelsea Handler

I don't think I'm a good host. I'm not a good host. I'm terrible at hosting. That's my problem. — Chelsea Handler