Bruce Lansky Quotes & Sayings

My ex-wife has never broken 150. I wish she would stop telling people I taught her how to play golf. — Bruce Lansky

I used to go to the driving range to practice driving without slicing. Now I go to practice slicing without swearing. — Bruce Lansky

We learn so many things from golf: how to suffer, for instance. — Bruce Lansky

You always nag the one you love — Bruce Lansky

Someone once told me that there is more to life than golf. I think it was my ex-wife. — Bruce Lansky

The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray. — Bruce Lansky

Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off. — Bruce Lansky

My psychiatrist prescribed a game of golf as an antidote to the feelings of euphoria I experience from time to time. — Bruce Lansky

I can't possibly go to school today," Michelle pouted, "I have nothing to wear." Her — Bruce Lansky

One day Michelle — Bruce Lansky

On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20 percent lied. — Bruce Lansky

When your first baby drops her pacifier, you sterilize it. When your second baby drops her pacifier, you tell the dog: 'Fetch!' — Bruce Lansky

I'll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine. — Bruce Lansky

If you want to go to the ball, go. — Bruce Lansky

Do not oversleep and miss the school bus-
you'll be late.
That's a habit teachers generally
don't appreciate.
Never tell your friends at school
that you still wet your bed.
They are sure to tease you,
and you'll wish that you were dead.

Never call your teacher a name
when she's not near you.
Teachers' ears are excellent,
so they can always hear you.

Do not read a textbook when your hands
aren't clean-it's tricky
to separate the pages when the pages
get real sticky.
When you go out for a team
it's always wise to practice.
When you are a substitute,
the bench can feel like cactus.

Do not copy homework from a friend
who is a dummy.
If you do, I'm sure that you
will get a grade that's crummy.

And if your report card's bad,
don't blame it on your buddy.
Kiss up to your parents quick,
or they might make you study. — Bruce Lansky

In Minnesota it's so cold some nights you have to wear two condoms. — Bruce Lansky

Parenting: Nobody really wants the job, but everybody thinks they can do better. — Bruce Lansky

Some golfers fantasize about playing in a foursome with Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, and Sam Snead. The way I hit I'd rather play in a foursome with Helen Keller, Ray Charles, and Stevie Wonder. — Bruce Lansky

I don't think I'll live long enough to shoot my age. I'm lucky to shoot my weight. — Bruce Lansky

What I Found in My Desk
A ripe peach with an ugly bruise,
a pair of stinky tennis shoes,
a day-old ham-and-cheese on rye,
a swimsuit that I left to dry,
a pencil that glows in the dark,
some bubble gum found in the park,
a paper bag with cookie crumbs,
an old kazoo that barely hums,
a spelling test I almost failed,
a letter that I should have mailed,
and one more thing, I must confess,
a note from teacher: Clean This Mess!!!! — Bruce Lansky

What's the point of washing off your ball when teeing off on a water hole? — Bruce Lansky

The only place you're sure to find love is at the end of a letter from your mother. — Bruce Lansky

My Teacher Sees Right Through Me
I didn't do my homework.
My teacher asked me, "Why?"
I answered him, "It's much too hard."
He said, "You didn't try."
I told him, "My dog ate it."
He said, "You have no dog."
I said, "I went out running."
He said, "You never jog."
I told him, "I had chores to do."
He said, "You watched TV."
I said, "I saw the doctor."
He said, "You were with me."
My teacher sees right through my fibs,
which makes me very sad.
It's hard to fool the teacher
when the teacher is your dad. — Bruce Lansky

Too Busy
I've folded all my laundry
and put it in the drawer.
I've changed my linen, made my bed,
and swept my bedroom floor.
I've emptied out the garbage
and fixed tomorrow's lunch.
I've baked some cookies for dessert
and given dad a munch.
I've searched the house for pencils
and sharpened every one.
There are so many things to do
when homework must be done. — Bruce Lansky