Bob Hope Quotes & Sayings

I have too much money invested in sweaters. — Bob Hope

Seventy years of ad-lib material, and I am speechless. — Bob Hope

Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's known at my house, Passover. — Bob Hope

I get upset over a bad shot just like anyone else. But it's silly to let the game get to you. When I miss a shot I just think what a beautiful day it is. And what pure fresh air I'm breathing. Then I take a deep breath. I have to do that. That's what gives me the strength to break the club. — Bob Hope

You know what a fan letter is - it's just an inky raspberry. — Bob Hope

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning. — Bob Hope

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn? — Bob Hope

Eisenhower admitted that the budget can't be balanced and McCarthy said the communists are taking over. You don't know what to worry about these days - whether the country will be overthrown or overdrawn. — Bob Hope

A few years ago he had a big heart transplant in Chicago, a five-hour operation. It took the doctors four hours to get him on the operating table. — Bob Hope

Sure, we did need the oil in America. How else could Dolly Parton get into some of her dresses? — Bob Hope

On one hole, I hit an alligator so hard, he's now my golf bag. — Bob Hope

My old friend Jack Benny has only had one ball all his golfing life. And now he's lost it. The string came off! — Bob Hope

I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them. — Bob Hope

Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support? — Bob Hope

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. — Bob Hope

They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood. — Bob Hope

I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage. — Bob Hope

Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minuet bodies — Bob Hope

You've got to be rich to have a swing like that. — Bob Hope

I can still chase women, only downhill — Bob Hope

The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles. — Bob Hope

Perfume acts as an anesthetic. By the time she floats a little your way, you'll promise her anything. — Bob Hope

US President Gerald Ford's golf was so bad we thought he was a 'Hitman for the PGA! — Bob Hope

England occupies a warm spot in my affections. It was the scene of my greatest performance. I was born there. — Bob Hope

I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight - and that was just their hair. — Bob Hope

A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal. — Bob Hope

Dying is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career. — Bob Hope

Congress may be going home for the holidays soon. How can you beat a Christmas gift like that? — Bob Hope

I never kick my ball in the rough or improve my lie in a sand trap. For that I have a caddie. — Bob Hope

I led such a sheltered life I didn't go out with girls until I was almost four. — Bob Hope

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it? — Bob Hope

Celebrities have a way of touching our lives. Perhaps we are influenced by their screen image, or perhaps by their acquired status. Here are some celebrity quotes about Christmas. You will find that just like everybody else, celebrities also enjoy the little pleasures of Christmas. — Bob Hope

Now that the war is winding down, I want to say I do appreciate you fellows hanging around here - just for me. — Bob Hope

Pebble Beach is Alcatraz with grass. — Bob Hope

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. — Bob Hope

Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn't hear them. — Bob Hope

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. — Bob Hope

Louis B. Mayer came out west with $28.00, a box camera and an old lion. He built a monument to himself
the Bank of America. — Bob Hope

It's a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he's dead. — Bob Hope

Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking. — Bob Hope

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. — Bob Hope

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast. — Bob Hope

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands — Bob Hope

I'm from Los Angeles ... I don't trust any air I can't see. — Bob Hope

I've been playing the game so long that my handicap is in Roman numerals. — Bob Hope

I don't bother to look for parking space anymore. As soon as I get near Hollywood Boulevard ... I sell. — Bob Hope

You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor's age by the rings on her fingers. — Bob Hope

It's amazing how many people you see on TV. I did my first television show a month ago, and the next day five million television sets were sold. The people who couldn't sell theirs threw them away. — Bob Hope

Vice President Spiro Agnew can not cheat on his score : because all you have to do is look back down the fairway and count the wounded. — Bob Hope

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens. — Bob Hope

I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six. — Bob Hope

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty one. — Bob Hope

I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for, oh, perhaps half. — Bob Hope

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that? — Bob Hope

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it. — Bob Hope

People who blow kisses are hoplessly lazy. — Bob Hope

My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun. — Bob Hope

You could buy my book in a paperback edition for a dollar, and in hard covers for $3.50. And for fifty cents extra, I come around to your house personally and wet your finger while you're turning the pages. — Bob Hope

Tokyo cab drivers are all ex-kamikaze pilots. — Bob Hope

Audiences are my best friends. You never tire of talking with your best friends. — Bob Hope

I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It's an island and the audience can't run very far. — Bob Hope

Arnold Palmer is the biggest crowd pleaser since the invention of the portable sanitary facility. — Bob Hope

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. — Bob Hope

He was bare chested and in good trim. I said that just looking at him I knew there would always be an England — Bob Hope

I can't give up Golf, I've got too many sweaters. — Bob Hope

Cypress Point is such a beautiful place, but it's also very exclusive. They had a very successful membership drive last month. They drove out forty members. — Bob Hope

With today's movies, if we took out all the bad language, we'd go back to silent films. — Bob Hope

Failure is the only thing I've ever been a success at. — Bob Hope

I'll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105. — Bob Hope

Gerry Ford is easy to spot on the course. He drives the cart with the red cross painted on top. — Bob Hope

For the first time, you can actually see the losers turn green — Bob Hope

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano. — Bob Hope

Don't people know that they don't have to heckle the president of the United States? That's what Congress is for. — Bob Hope

Congratulations to whoever is finally booking music we love. It's going to get us out of the house after dark! — Bob Hope

President Eisenhower has given up golf for painting. It takes fewer strokes. — Bob Hope

America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold. — Bob Hope

I can't understand what's holding up our missile program. It's the first time the government ever had trouble making the taxpayers' money go up in smoke. — Bob Hope

I like to come to Washington, D.C., at least once a year. Why should my tax money travel more than I do? — Bob Hope

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. — Bob Hope

If he slices the budget like he slices a golf ball, the nation has nothing to worry about. — Bob Hope

It was a great honour to be inducted into the Hall of Fame. I didn't know they had a caddie division. — Bob Hope

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money. — Bob Hope

Jimmy Stewart could have been a good golfer, but he speaks so slowly that by the time he yells 'Fore!' the guy he's hit is already in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. — Bob Hope

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off. — Bob Hope

The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I've been doing that all my life. — Bob Hope

She spoke perfect English, which led to considerable trouble. She couldn't understand us at all. — Bob Hope

I left England when I was four because I found out I could never be King. — Bob Hope

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy. — Bob Hope

Jack Benny really liked my book. I know because he called me up from the library and told me. — Bob Hope

It's not hard to find Gerry Ford on a golf course - you just follow the wounded. — Bob Hope

Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees. — Bob Hope

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. — Bob Hope

Whenever I play with him , I usually try to make it a foursome - the President, myself, a paramedic and a faith healer. — Bob Hope

I have this terrific make-up man. But he's expensive. I have to bring him in from Lourdes. — Bob Hope

The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don't know which end to talk to. — Bob Hope

The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. — Bob Hope

My folks were English ... we were too poor to be British. — Bob Hope

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected. — Bob Hope

You know you've reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up. — Bob Hope

It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets. — Bob Hope