Bo Burnham Quotes & Sayings

I never felt like I was stealing anyone's fans as much as I was introducing some younger people to comedy who will eventually find tons of other comedians that they love. — Bo Burnham

I was doing theater in my high school, and I started writing sort of silly songs on the piano backstage in summer theater. I eventually put them online and started getting this little following. — Bo Burnham

Cup of Joe
There's nothing like a cup of joe,
when the morning's grey and grim and slow,
when the streets collide with the world outside,
when litter lies where lilies grow.
Just drink that smoking cup of black
and feel your feelings surging back.
Plus, spill a drop and a coffee shop
will sprout up from a sidewalk crack! — Bo Burnham

Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don't smoke ... tumors. — Bo Burnham

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes. — Bo Burnham

I thought I wanted to be a physicist in high school until I learned that there was much more math than philosophy in it. I assumed I would just sit around all day and think. — Bo Burnham

For some comedians it feels so cool to be like: 'I'll say anything, man!'. I'm not quite there yet. — Bo Burnham

I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I ... don't. — Bo Burnham

Well, man, you know what they say.
No, I don't. I don't know what they say.
I don't even know who they are.
Who is this they?
They seem pretty smug.
They seem to think they know shit.
Fuck them. — Bo Burnham

Most of my songs make fun of myself. — Bo Burnham

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I'm thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats. — Bo Burnham

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own. — Bo Burnham

I've been doin' drive-bys all of my life. Except the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike. — Bo Burnham

Ya back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid, well that and fagot. — Bo Burnham

I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me. — Bo Burnham

Then the challenge is, once you left brain it and build it, then when you're on stage you have to know it so well that you can get lost in it. I don't want to be onstage looking like a robot, I want to be at the end of the day very emotional and what feels like someone being up there rather than reciting things. That's always the challenge, to analyze and then somehow lose yourself in something you absolutely know backwards and forwards. And nothing's going to surprise you, but you have to be surprised by it and let it surprise you. — Bo Burnham

When life gets you down, make a comforter! — Bo Burnham

Forever and An Instant met up one day,
Had a short, but lovely talk,
then each went on it's way. — Bo Burnham

Nothing's true that I say, because I don't really want to say anything. I don't think my life's that cool, and I don't think my opinion's that valid. They're just silly jokes. Usually I just take a topic that isn't funny at all, like Shakespeare, and work backwards. I just try to find an unfunny subject. — Bo Burnham

When I walk into a room, you'd think I was one of those long, straight Tetris pieces because everyone's just like, Oh great, you're here! We've been waiting for you to show up. — Bo Burnham

My whole family thinks I'm gay, I guess it's always been that way. Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk, Makes them think I like ... boys. — Bo Burnham

There's a certain line between jokes and music and poetry that's a bit blurred in my mind. — Bo Burnham

Even if he is your friend, never, ever call an Asian person. — Bo Burnham

I misdirect the audience, so they have no idea where they are or who they're listening to. — Bo Burnham

Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively. — Bo Burnham

At once I feel that comedy is this amazing sort of transcendent thing, and I'm also open to the fact that maybe it's just an evolutionary hiccup, something that upright apes do in their free time. — Bo Burnham

For me, comedy is constantly presented as this fake casualness, like a guy just walked on stage going, 'This crazy thing happened to me the other day.' And he's in front of 3000 people, and he's acting like an everyman, and he's getting paid so much money. — Bo Burnham

When I see someone filming me, I don't usually think, 'No, man, don't put this up online!' I'd think, 'Hey man, you don't get to go to shows very often, put down the camera and enjoy it!' I love going to theatre and to shows so much. — Bo Burnham

I know it's the comedian's instinct to say, "Do it, man, nothing's off-limits! It's cool, bro!" I don't know if that's the answer for me. "Do I really want to make a joke about a miscarriage when a woman in the audience might have had one?" I don't worship comedy; at the end of the day I don't fall to the altar of comedy unquestioningly. — Bo Burnham

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names. — Bo Burnham

My persona on stage was always coming from a place of I know better than you and I'm going to be a little bit pretentious in your face with these sort of crass ideas. — Bo Burnham

For me, if you distill comedy down, it is surprise and the unexpected. That has to be it on its most base level, in any form. — Bo Burnham

Where are all the sour patch parents? — Bo Burnham

And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die. — Bo Burnham

Comedy is very strange to me and I don't fully understand it's purpose or function. — Bo Burnham

I've found, across the board, that comedians have been very respectful and kind to me. And that seems to stem from the fact that they are just respectful and kind people in general. Comedians get a bad rap for being dark and anti-social I think. — Bo Burnham

I just try to do things on stage that I think the audience would enjoy. And I try to draw on and add to acts that I've enjoyed watching. — Bo Burnham

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed. — Bo Burnham

The biggest danger, for me, with making yourself your act is that a lot of people with think they know you for better or worse. That's an ongoing struggle with me and it can get really trippy sometimes. I try to be strong about it and assure myself that only my close friends and family can really pass judgement on me personally, but it's impossible to not let it get to you. — Bo Burnham

Sully suffers from a stutter,
simple syllables will clutter,
stalling speeches up on beaches
like a sunken sailboat rudder.
Sully strains to say his phrases,
sickened by the sounds he raises,
strings of thoughts come out in knots,
he solves his sentences like mazes.
At night, he writes his thoughts instead
and sighs as they steadily rush from his head. — Bo Burnham

I got a safe full of cherries 'cause I pop it and lock it. — Bo Burnham

The strange thing was, when I was starting on YouTube, even the paradigm of YouTube and Internet sensation - or whatever - that didn't really exist. So I didn't even know that that was a thing. — Bo Burnham

Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate. — Bo Burnham

Comedy doesn't really matter that much; I know that. I treat it like an adult - I don't treat it like a child or a god, which some people do. This might just be in America, but 'stand-up comedy' is something very particular that I don't particularly relate to. — Bo Burnham

Searching I'm not looking in every nook and cranny for it. I'll do the nooks. No way I left my keys in some fucking cranny. — Bo Burnham

I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch. — Bo Burnham

Bombs The first bomb dropped unheard, unlike the loudly dropped second and third; then the final bomb dropped from the sky to the ground and the last-seen bomb made the last-heard sound. — Bo Burnham

What's important is that you stay true to yourself. Because when you enter the real world, the most valuable thing you can bring is all your you-ness. The world doesn't need any more hot chicks or tough guys or smooth talkers - the world needs more you. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise. — Bo Burnham

People give me money and I don't know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy. — Bo Burnham

I always wanted to be a comedian and actor, [ ... ] I basically stumbled into the music medium, though. I'm OK, but that's about it. I like to think I'm good enough not to negatively affect the performance. — Bo Burnham

Imagination They say adults have no imagination. Not true. Just instead of dinosaurs and spaceships, they imagine silence and the new babysitter bent over the coffee table. — Bo Burnham

Comedy is the one absolutely self-aware art form. Actually, hip-hop's another one, I suppose. Because in your songs you're talking about how good a hip-hop artist you are. It's like a painter painting a panting of himself painting a painting. — Bo Burnham

If comedy is about surprises, about tension, there's a lot of tension and surprise there, in the fact that people are expecting this to be natural. — Bo Burnham

At one point when I was very young, when I was first starting out, I thought, 'Well, one day I'll be able to put all the music away and become a real comedian.' But then I realized there are amazing musical comedians out there, that musical comedy is probably something I'll always want to pursue. — Bo Burnham

The strange thing with Wikipedia is that the first article that ever gets written about you will define your Wikipedia page forever. — Bo Burnham

In high school, I worked eight hours a day just so I could get into the college of my dreams and say that I got in - and I never went. — Bo Burnham

I'm a drunken midget with a loaded gun, a loaded gun. — Bo Burnham

No one entertains the thought that maybe God does not believe in you. — Bo Burnham

Love is all about ... whistles. — Bo Burnham

I'd really love to make something that doesn't involve my stupid face. — Bo Burnham

I think comedy has a range, with multiple peaks in different areas. It's like trying to compare Beethoven and the Beatles. Sometimes I hear from people, 'I think you try too hard in your comedy.' And that's what I worry about. — Bo Burnham

I'm not a grown up until everybody realises I'm a grown up. When everyone remembers me as the dirty kid singing little songs I am the dirty little kid. — Bo Burnham

My persona is most importantly just to communicate the material in a way that is most funny and meaningful in the moment. It's more like a character that's sculpted for whatever joke needs communicating at the moment. — Bo Burnham

You guys like impressions? Why? — Bo Burnham

If you can think of all the times in your life, some of the happiest times were probably when you were laughing. And some of the worst times in your life you were being laughed at. — Bo Burnham

What's a pirate minus the ship? just a creative homeless guy — Bo Burnham

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls. — Bo Burnham

I saw a giraffe with a short neck
That was sad
Or a deer — Bo Burnham

Poverty. Racism. Isn't it strange, only the homeless are begging for change? — Bo Burnham

Fireflies Hey, fireflies! Fly higher, guys! Fly high above this place. Till a sky rise is a wire's size. Then fly off into space. I catch stupid bugs in jars but you're not bugs you're baby stars! — Bo Burnham

My career was exploding at the same time that social media itself was expanding. But when my online videos were taking off, I didn't think, 'Oh, great! I'm going to be able to parlay this into a career!' I just wanted to be a comedian. I just wanted to perform live. — Bo Burnham

I've found nothing but support and generosity from older comics. I think comedians are a lot nicer than the stigma is, at least from my experience. — Bo Burnham

I'm very interested in trying to make comedy shows that are a bit bigger, more theatrical, more of a "show." Some people might say I'm trying too hard, but that's a compliment to me. I like to inject a bit of production value and flair to comedy, or at least to my little corner of comedy. — Bo Burnham

I'm friends with a lot of comedians, but we don't talk about material. Most comedians I know don't watch a lot of other comedy. — Bo Burnham

Comedy should be a source of positivity. I don't want to bully people, and I don't want people to come to my show to feel terrible about something. So I'm actually very open to having a conversation about what I should or shouldn't say. — Bo Burnham

I have a pretty good math mind, so I can see patterns, but I don't have a great ear. It's like a tragedy - I can see so much more natural musical ability in so many other people. — Bo Burnham

People do complain about the way I act on stage ... They think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solecistic, self-contained, synonyms. — Bo Burnham

Life is an open book.
Time is an oscillating fan.
I've had to learn to skim-read because
before I can read more than a few paragraphs,
That fucking airhead comes circling back,
blowing pages like a medieval prostitute.
The cool air feels nice, though.
Sometimes, when my head aches,
I let me eyes relax
and I enjoy the breeze as the words blur. — Bo Burnham

I don't consciously try to make things difficult as much as I try to make them a little different. I like all kinds of laughs. I tried to make a show that elicit groans, guffaws, chuckles, boos. — Bo Burnham

I'm bored way too easily. I'm staring at screens half the day. I need to be overstimulated. And how will that express itself artistically? — Bo Burnham

In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in highschool. — Bo Burnham

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head. — Bo Burnham

I don't need anything as long as I have my family, friends, millions of dollars, unlimited pussy. — Bo Burnham

Judge Jesus I said, "You can't judge me. Only Jesus can!" He said, "Well I can 'cause I'm a judge and 'cause you just killed a man. — Bo Burnham

I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome. — Bo Burnham

Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f-king sense make. — Bo Burnham

People ask me all the time, ALL the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, 'Bo, you're an artist ... how do we fix Africa?' — Bo Burnham

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't. — Bo Burnham

I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me ... — Bo Burnham

I remember being superyoung, like nine or ten years old, and thinking, 'Man, I wonder what famous people eat for breakfast. They must have some special kind of cereal!' My mind was so warped by the idea of fame. — Bo Burnham

At the time of 'Words, Words, Words,' I'm a 19-year-old getting up feeling like he's entitled to do comedy and tell you what he thinks of the world, so that's inherently a little bit ridiculous. — Bo Burnham

There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor? — Bo Burnham

The classic comedian says there's nothing that's taboo; if you laugh at one thing you've got to laugh at everything, that comedy is taking people to dark areas and showing them the light. — Bo Burnham

If your belief is hateful towards people, I couldn't respect that. — Bo Burnham

You How, may I ask, did you get so you, you beautiful true-to-you doer? I've met many today but can honestly say that I've never met anyone you-er. — Bo Burnham

The U.K. and Europe in general seem to be a lot more patient. The U.S. are expecting 'joke joke joke joke joke joke joke.' They don't actually sit and listen to you. — Bo Burnham

If you were perfect, I'd tattoo this on my chest. If you were beautiful, I'd carve this into a tree trunk. If you were nice, I'd write this in a letter. But you're none of those - — Bo Burnham

My work is trying to at least define myself on my own terms, and then if other people enjoy things that's a lovely addition. — Bo Burnham

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist. — Bo Burnham

The strength of comedy is I don't have to answer to anybody but sometimes you want to learn from other people and see your ideas strengthen by other people. — Bo Burnham