Billy Crystal Quotes & Sayings

[My mother] is the greatest hero I'll ever know because she kept us all together, she made sure we all graduated college. She always believed in us no matter what we do. My older brother Joel became an art teacher; my brother Rip ultimately became a television producer and singer and actor himself. — Billy Crystal

My dad, Jack, had a great sense of humour and had a strong impact on me and my humour. — Billy Crystal

Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar. — Billy Crystal

The kind of people who spoke mostly Yiddish, which is a combination of German and phlegm. This is a language of coughing and spitting; until I was eleven, I wore a raincoat. — Billy Crystal

Great news! Hosting Oscars counts five hours toward my community service! — Billy Crystal

I found a sense of peace on Beechnut. I could just walk with him and not have to say a word. In between takes, I would sit with the cast and Beechnut would stand behind me, sometimes with his head on my shoulder. I didn't have to tie him, up; he would just stand there. I loved being a cowboy ... again. The only other times
I'd felt this sense of peace had been while fielding ground balls or playing catch on a baseball field or doing stand-up when everything was working. When filming was over, my agent, Andrea Eastman, gave me Beechnut as a surprise gift. at first, I didn't want him. Owning a horse is an enormous responsibility, and
I was concerned hat my relationship with him was just a location romance. But I accepted, and I rode him until 2009, when he passed away at the age of twenty-eight. — Billy Crystal

Humans love sex, we need sex, it's how we connect, it reminds us we're alive, it's the third most basic human need, after food and good movie popcorn. — Billy Crystal

A laugh is a weird sound, and when you get a couple thousand people making it at once, it's really strange. But when I can feel proud of myself for causing it, it's great. — Billy Crystal

Kids need a happy household. They need to be loved and supported in their dreams. And I don't think you can make your kids' dreams your own. They need you to support them in their dreams. — Billy Crystal

I'm a sucker for a free tuxedo. — Billy Crystal

I'm going to go on just living and laughing and loving. — Billy Crystal

When you realize you want to invest the rest of your lifestyle with somebody, you want the rest of your life to commence as quickly as achievable. — Billy Crystal

From the first time I saw Sid Caesar be funny I knew that's what I had to do. — Billy Crystal

Despite what The Wall Street Journal says, our awards are the best-kept secret in America, with the possible exception of what George W. Bush did in the '70s. — Billy Crystal

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. — Billy Crystal

Thurmond - same thing. Kennedy, Eisenhower, Clinton ... all men of power, and the power went right to their pants. Even FDR fooled around. This — Billy Crystal

You give up your dream, you give up. — Billy Crystal

There's only, I think, in life, three things that I do pretty well: Performing, I still can field ground balls, and I make nice kids. — Billy Crystal

My mind is always going. I'm always thinking what I need to do, what I haven't done, what I did do, what I didn't do as well as I could - I'm relentless that way with myself. — Billy Crystal

When I've gotten criticism, it's that it's too long, too soft, didn't hit the government hard enough. Then when I do hit the government, they go, What's he doing hitting the government? — Billy Crystal

Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child. — Billy Crystal

Nothing can take the sting off the world's economic problems like watching millionaires present each other golden statues. — Billy Crystal

Good news, they found Nemo! The bad news is, they found him in one of Wolfgang Puck's puff pastries. — Billy Crystal

I'm comfortable being old ... being black ... being Jewish. — Billy Crystal

Do something special on your birthday. Whatever you do, celebrate the fact that you're here, and that people love you and you love them. We only do this once. — Billy Crystal

What's so fascinating and frustrating and great about life is that you're constantly starting over, all the time, and I love that. — Billy Crystal

In my standup work, I always do these characters, older people who are just off to the side. It's easier to write a story about the guy who made it to the top, but the middle is so much more interesting, so much more murky. — Billy Crystal

You have to really respect what your kids are doing with their kids and how they're raising them. You can't push your way into areas where you shouldn't be saying anything. You have to always remember they're not your own kids. Play with them, love them, spoil them to death - then hand them back. — Billy Crystal

Consider the rose ... The rose is the sweetest smelling flower of all, and it's the most beautiful because it's the most simple, right? But sometimes, you got to clip the rose. You got to cut the rose back, so something sweeter smelling and stronger, and even more beautiful, will grow in its place — Billy Crystal

To be good, you need to believe in what you're doing. — Billy Crystal

I love doing it [hosting the Oscars] because I love the danger of it and you have to come through and think on your feet. That's why that show, no matter who hosts it, it really should be a fast-thinking comedian who is really quick on their feet that can handle situations that happen, or somebody with that kind of mentality that can capitalize on something. — Billy Crystal

I'm going to be your grandpa! / I have the biggest smile. / I've been waiting to meet you for such a long, long while. — Billy Crystal

Change is such hard work. — Billy Crystal

Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place — Billy Crystal

We all have a different image of what old is, and if you were exposed to senior citizens at a young age, as I was, it can color your soul with terror. — Billy Crystal

In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it. — Billy Crystal

My granddaughter's birth has made me want to create things she will love. — Billy Crystal

Bambi, to a kid, was scary. — Billy Crystal

Think of renovating a house like operating the federal government. You start with a budget and the revenue to finance it. Then the special interests keep adding items to the list; you have to end the war between the interior decorator and the electrician, so you pump in more money to buy peace; and by the time you're done, you're $16 trillion in debt and having to borrow money from the Chinese. — Billy Crystal

Even when I was in school shows, in elementary school doing plays, I'd always go off book and start improvising. — Billy Crystal

Insomnia, from the Greek word meaning I can't fucking sleep! — Billy Crystal

For almost 40 years, he was the brightest star in the comedy galaxy ... The beautiful light will continue to shine on us forever and the glow will be so bright, it'll warm your heart, it'll make your eyes glisten, and you'll think to yourselves, Robin Williams, what a concept. — Billy Crystal

Gentlemen, start your egos. — Billy Crystal

Don't give up your power. — Billy Crystal

But I had learned over the years that if you're not happy doing what you're doing, then you shouldn't be doing it. — Billy Crystal

[I did impressions] of relatives because I heard so many different sounds. My dad was in the music business and of course my uncle was a giant [music producer], but my dad in particular had the house filled with these Dixieland jazz stars. — Billy Crystal

The Passion of the Christ opened up on Ash Wednesday, had a Good Friday. — Billy Crystal

If you do something for the first time, you will always remember it. If your Dad has something to do with it, you write about it. — Billy Crystal

I can't be funny if my feet don't feel right. — Billy Crystal

I think I've far exceeded what I ever thought I could possibly do. I'm almost shocked that I'm still around after all of these years ... and always grateful that I get another turn to do something. — Billy Crystal

It's more important to look good than to feel good.
Billy Crystal on Saturday Night Live — Billy Crystal

I was introducing [director and producer] Hal Roach - Mr. Roach was 100 years old, he was one of the fathers of early days in films, he put Laurel with Hardy, he created the Our Gang kids, and all these silent movies he did - he was a giant. — Billy Crystal

I had a dream that Connie Chung is doing a newscast about my death and they show a clip from Soap. — Billy Crystal

I think when I feel I'm at my best is when I'm on stage, and it's my version of jazz because it's just riffing or something. — Billy Crystal

My grandparents invented joylessness. They were not fun. I've already had more fun with my grandchildren than my grandparents ever had with me. — Billy Crystal

At 60, I could do the same things I could do at 30, if I could only remember what those things are. — Billy Crystal

We tiptoe around like we're the Frank family and the Gestapo is downstairs. The baby monitor is in our room, and the unspoken rule is that when the kids go down, so do we. So at seven P.M., I'm in bed waiting for the sandman to come. I can't watch TV, because the noise may wake up the kids; I can't listen to music with my iPod earbuds, because then I can't hear the monitor; and I can't have sex, because that could wake up Janice. — Billy Crystal

The inspiration was this great group of 40 or 50 relatives, sometimes for Thanksgiving or Passover or something and my brothers would just go up and make them laugh. — Billy Crystal

Westboro Baptist Church: STOP. Stop protesting the funerals of our soldiers who died in action because you are anti-gay. When one of you dies, I'm going to show up with a couple of gay veterans and we're going to do a musical at your funeral. — Billy Crystal

As a director and an actor, I encourage improvisation but in character and in the moment of what it is. — Billy Crystal

When comedy is good, it's jazz. The beats of it, the looseness, the improvisational part, the music-the way you hit the inflection, the high notes of a joke. It's all melody to me. — Billy Crystal

I always was a performer, from the time I was little. It was always a natural place for me to be. — Billy Crystal

Dad had a music store, and he'd often bring home comedy albums that I would listen to. I started listening to Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby, and developing taste. They really influenced my style of comedy. — Billy Crystal

I was always drawn to performing, but I never thought I could. I have no idea what I wanted to do outside of the old cowboy-or-fireman. When I was in college, I got serious about acting. I started examining history and then everything related to the theater. History, art, all the other studies, if I could link them into the theater, then it became alive for me. It just opened up my eyes. — Billy Crystal

I used to limp around my neighborhood imitating him. I did my Bar Mitzvah with an Oklahoma drawl. — Billy Crystal

I'd like to think there is a Heaven, and it starts from the happiest day in your life. — Billy Crystal

I'm married - I've caught my limit. — Billy Crystal

You really have to have some muscle to be on the stage in front of the world. — Billy Crystal

I don't like heights. This is why I stopped growing at fifth grade. — Billy Crystal

It's money. I remember it from when I was single — Billy Crystal

Nothing can take the sting out of the world's economic problems like watching millionaires present each other with golden statues. — Billy Crystal

I never worry that I'll die in my sleep, because I'm never asleep! — Billy Crystal

Whoo-hoo-hoo, look who knows so much. It just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there's usually only one thing you can do. Go through his clothes and look for loose change. — Billy Crystal

I quit drinking. That was a big problem for a lot of years. Then after that, I just started feeling grateful again. — Billy Crystal

You bought a one-way ticket to New York with no return flight booked," he says. "I'm flying to New York and I'm not coming back for a month or two," I explain. "I'm not booking a round-trip flight at this point." "I understand. No problem. We'll be finished right after a quick thorough search." I think he's kidding. He's not. I keep trying to joke with him as he frisks me a little too eagerly. "I thought you'd buy me a drink first," I say. "I guess the only people drinking fifteen minutes before a flight are the pilots. — Billy Crystal

That's the thing about jazz: it's free flowing, it comes from your soul. — Billy Crystal

Nobody is more truthful when he's acting than De Niro. — Billy Crystal

I didn't rebel as a child. I missed that angry teenager thing. — Billy Crystal

The house as I say ... smelled of brisket and bourbon, so you could hear that. I started imitating them. Phrases came out of that, "Can't you dig that?" "I knew that you would." We were at [Passover] Seders and they were confused with the bitter herbs, "Do we smoke these or do we do we dip them in salt water?" "We dip them in salt water, well that's gonna kill the vibrancy of the weed, you know." So that's what I was around. So I would imitate them. That's where it all started. — Billy Crystal

I'm a baby. I sleep like a baby - I'm up every two hours. And I think a lot. I worry a lot. I have great nights of no sleep where ideas come. — Billy Crystal

And if we really want to stay current and relevant, we have to use social media. And by that I mean Facebook. There are one billion people on Facebook. Maybe older people should have our own social media. We can call it What Did That Doctor Do to Your Face Book? In fact, we can have our own text and Facebook abbreviations. We can have our own WTF, LOL, and LMAO. GNIB: Good news, it's benign. OMG: Oh, my gout. DMMLIMNWD: Don't make me laugh, I'm not wearing Depends. WAI: Where am I? ITIHSBCR: I think I had sex but can't remember. ILI: I like Ike. TKDC: The kids didn't call. DTLSTY: Does this look swollen to you? CTDMELOFM: Call the doctor - my erection lasted over four minutes. PAMUHNASIHSB: Put a mirror under his nose and see if he's still breathing. Bottom line: we can't be dial-up in a Wi-Fi world. — Billy Crystal

I was a film-directing major at NYU. I'm still not sure why I became a directing major, when I was really an actor and a comedian, but there was something that drew me to doing that. — Billy Crystal