Bill Engvall Quotes & Sayings

I don't have big time celebrity friends - I'm just a guy. — Bill Engvall

When 'Blue Collar TV' was on the 'WB,' we were their second-highest rated show, but they didn't know what to do with us. They had 'Reba,' which was number one, and we were number two, and they didn't want to be known as the hayseed network, so they kind of dropped us, even though we were pulling great numbers. — Bill Engvall

Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person. — Bill Engvall

I've never said I was the best dancer, and I never said I was a good dancer. — Bill Engvall

If you're just a nice guy - you don't let people walk on you - but if you're just a nice guy and treat people right, good things happen. — Bill Engvall

I hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that just say, 'I'm stupid.' — Bill Engvall

I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake. — Bill Engvall

My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says It looks and tastes like real bacon! No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like! — Bill Engvall

I'm a California Angels fan because that's the first game my dad took me to see, and they stuck with me. — Bill Engvall

I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down. — Bill Engvall

I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree. — Bill Engvall

I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.' — Bill Engvall

I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny. — Bill Engvall

Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass ... but you just pushed my jackass button. — Bill Engvall

I was doing a bit that stupid people should be slapped. But the more I did it, the more I didn't like that connotation, the violence and all that. The more I thought about it, I thought they should just wear signs. And, man, it just took off. — Bill Engvall

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn't resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign. — Bill Engvall

If you lived next door to me and didn't know what I did, you wouldn't know I was a celebrity. I don't have that lifestyle, nor do I want that lifestyle. I want to know that I can have a separate life with my wife and my kids and just be normal and go camping and fishing and outdoor stuff. — Bill Engvall

You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day. — Bill Engvall

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered? — Bill Engvall

I used to hunt and fish. — Bill Engvall

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties ... welcome to my world. — Bill Engvall

If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up! — Bill Engvall

I've really got no complaints. — Bill Engvall

I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies. — Bill Engvall

I have fun on stage, so people think maybe they should, too. — Bill Engvall

Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list. — Bill Engvall

When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door? — Bill Engvall

I'm here to kill the deer, She wants to take it shoppin. — Bill Engvall

I don't do politics, I don't do religion, I don't do ethnic jokes. — Bill Engvall

Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket. — Bill Engvall

I love stand up, but every year, the road takes a little more out of you. — Bill Engvall

He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course it's a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going "there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot." — Bill Engvall

My favorite road trip ever is when my wife and I took an RV around the country. We just had the best time. — Bill Engvall

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, Got stuck, huh? The truck driver says, No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas. — Bill Engvall

God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths. I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: When you gonna wear these for me? She goes, I can't. They're your daughter's. Aaahh! No, no, no! There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there. — Bill Engvall

I travel fairly lightly because you have to these days. I always take a laptop and an iPod so I can watch movies and listen to music. And my Gameboy. That's a good time-killer. — Bill Engvall

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey. — Bill Engvall

What I do is not regional comedy, and it is not based in the southern area. — Bill Engvall

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper. — Bill Engvall

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing. — Bill Engvall

It's fun being Bill Engvall. — Bill Engvall

I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more. — Bill Engvall

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge. — Bill Engvall

My belief is that if we take away that right to bear arms, the only people that are going to have them are ... the ones breaking into your house. — Bill Engvall

I came out of the mall one day, and a guy was standing there with a coat hanger in his window, and I couldn't stop myself. I asked the stupid question. 'You lock your keys in the car?' 'Nope, just washed it, gonna hang it up to dry.' — Bill Engvall

I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: 'You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.' Number two: 'We have medication for this.' And number three: 'It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.' — Bill Engvall

I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco ... I'll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here's your sign! — Bill Engvall

There's a lot of things I believe in this world. I believe in God, I believe in the United States of America, and I support and believe in the Second Amendment. — Bill Engvall

I can't count the number of times I've been sound asleep, woke up, and I was doing my hair. — Bill Engvall

Standup is a form of therapy. It is OK to tell problems to your audience as long as you are being honest and not boring them. I tell them that I am saving $75 an hour when I talk to them instead of a therapist. — Bill Engvall

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y'all catch all them fish? Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign. — Bill Engvall

Left to my own vices, all I would own is a Corvette, and it would be broken down. — Bill Engvall

I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process. — Bill Engvall

When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you. — Bill Engvall

I'd like to see the Amazon rainforests before they're all gone, and also the Galapagos - that's another one I'd like to do. I'd love to go diving in those areas. Basically, places, like, that are kind of going away, and I'd like to see them before they all become condos and high-rises. — Bill Engvall

I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations." — Bill Engvall

The one thing people like about my show is it's universal. Everybody can relate to it. I think people enjoy going to a show and saying, 'Something like that happened to me.' — Bill Engvall

People all over are finding themselves in jobs they never thought they'd be in. — Bill Engvall

I'm a big animal fanatic. — Bill Engvall

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign. — Bill Engvall

No sooner my kids leave their friends than they start texting them. And it's all in code in a language I totally don't understand. — Bill Engvall

A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums. — Bill Engvall

To be honest with you, I still eat whatever I want. It's all about portion control. I still love pizza, but instead of eating half, I eat a slice. — Bill Engvall

Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list. — Bill Engvall

To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop. — Bill Engvall

I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that. — Bill Engvall

Now people live into their 90s and beyond. As long as I have quality of life, I'm good. — Bill Engvall

I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south. — Bill Engvall

Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome. — Bill Engvall

Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges. — Bill Engvall

And isn't that weird? Think about this, when you're born, you nurse on your mama. And then you get a little older, you go to applesauce. And then you see these toddlers walking around with these Ziploc baggies full of Cheerios. Then you get to be my age, and the doctor wants you to start eating Cheerios to watch your cholesterol. Then you lose your teeth, you go to applesauce. I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello. — Bill Engvall

No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum. — Bill Engvall

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men — Bill Engvall

I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me you think he's been hunting? Nope, They're probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here's your sign! — Bill Engvall

I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well ... like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it! — Bill Engvall

I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life ... God ... I would be drunk with power. — Bill Engvall

There's a reason God didn't give me this success in my 20s, because I'd have blown it. — Bill Engvall

When I drove up on the set one day, and they'd put up a sign that says 'The Bill Engvall Show,' I stood there for 20 minutes just staring at it. The director, James Widdoes, came up and said, 'What are you doing?' And I said, 'Look at this! There's my name on a stage door in Hollywood!' — Bill Engvall

I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid. — Bill Engvall

I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.' — Bill Engvall

I've learned in my older age that sexy gets you further than brains. — Bill Engvall

I don't pick on people. — Bill Engvall

I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. "Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up ... " WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right dude, you're up." — Bill Engvall

I eat fish, chicken, vegetables and other healthier foods. I do love a great steak. — Bill Engvall

You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter! — Bill Engvall

Just when I think the human race has been lost to the what about me people. I see the best we have to offer helping others. — Bill Engvall

My goal is for 'The Bill Engvall Show' to be a show the networks look at and say, 'Ooh, maybe we should get back to the family sitcom.' — Bill Engvall

I love to laugh, and laughter is one of my favorite things. When you have a really good laugh, you feel great afterwards. — Bill Engvall

In syndication, the biggest buyers are car dealerships. — Bill Engvall

I love playing the bitter guy. — Bill Engvall

Jay Leno told me once, 'Don't do jokes about things you don't know about.' — Bill Engvall

And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim! — Bill Engvall

The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you. — Bill Engvall

America loves to watch people growing and getting better. — Bill Engvall

I learned that you don't take dishes from the table to the dishwasher; you have to rinse them first. I think that's stupid because I don't go out in the back yard and hose off before taking a shower. — Bill Engvall

I think you can ban guns if you can just pull the trigger and 60 bullets fire out. — Bill Engvall

I'm from Texas. You would think my biggest draw would be in that state. But my biggest draw is Pennsylvania. — Bill Engvall

God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work. — Bill Engvall

I'm a blue collar guy. — Bill Engvall

A lot of times you go to a concert, and when you leave, you don't know anything more about the act then when you got there. — Bill Engvall