Bill Burr Quotes & Sayings

I have this weird sort of Gemini thing where I can really be empathetic and a loving person. But if you piss me off, I can be one of the meanest, most sadistic people. — Bill Burr

Haven't you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald's has a new sandwich? — Bill Burr

I think it's a privilege to be able to fly to somewhere where people want to see my show. — Bill Burr

I was in NYC during 9/11; it happened on a Tuesday, I was on stage Thursday. It was a small crowd, but it took about 10 days and comedy clubs were packed. — Bill Burr

I'm not going to lie. I am a psycho. Luckily, I get most of it out on stage. — Bill Burr

Comedians have the ability to feel other emotions. — Bill Burr

There's no "brothers" when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio - I don't know that guy. — Bill Burr

I'm always looking at new ways to tell a joke so that it doesn't get stale while working on new jokes every night or I would go absolutely crazy and would want to kill myself. I just want to go in there and talk about what's bugging me. — Bill Burr

I'm not easy to live with. My wife is a saint. — Bill Burr

We need a plague. It's gotta happen. And don't worry, it's only gonna kill the weak. Seriously. Put on a sweater, take some vitamins, you're gonna be fine! We gotta let mother nature do her
thing, man. She keeps trying to help us out and we won't let her do it. — Bill Burr

Like most comics, I tried to come up with a sitcom idea that was based around my life. And it didn't work out. But maybe because it didn't work out, that's why I ended up on 'Breaking Bad;' I don't know. — Bill Burr

The first night you walk down to a comedy club, at least for me, I had my voice, and then I went on stage and I lost it. — Bill Burr

I'm trying to get away from trashing women, to be honest. I think I've done enough of that in my career. — Bill Burr

I was painfully shy when I was younger but at some point you've gotta grow up. I think the genius in the man-boy thing is you tap into a woman's motherly instincts. — Bill Burr

I still remember the first gig where I got people going, it was Rascals in New Jersey, and the place was packed. I was scared. People were expecting me to be funny. I gotta be honest, every time I walk into a club, it's that same fear. — Bill Burr

I've found is that by doing stand-up, I've actually learned how to combat depression. I don't have clinical, but I've definitely had my bouts with it. I just figured out that it's a choice. You're in control of your brain. When your brain is sending you bad information or bad thoughts, you can decide to go to the gym, or write a new joke - or if you're on the road, go to a ball game ... something that's going to get the blood going. Or you can let those thoughts take you right down the rabbit hole. — Bill Burr

I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in. — Bill Burr

You know, it wasn't even that I'm a funny guy, I just loved stand-up comedy and I wanted to do it. It was one of the few things in my life that I knew I was going to be able to do, and I also felt as though I'd be able to do it the way I wanted to do it. — Bill Burr

What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard? — Bill Burr

Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog. — Bill Burr

I gotta be honest with you. I'm kind of jealous of the way my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes. Where are all those old-school women you can just take your day out on? When did they stop making those angels? — Bill Burr

Patrice O'Neal is the best comic I ever saw. — Bill Burr

I used to think you had to live this miserable life and that that would make you funnier, but you don't. The misery will come. The misery will find you. — Bill Burr

Business runs hot and cold so the more you're in charge of your own destiny, the better off you are. — Bill Burr

Stand up comedy is this thing you get to do, so you have to treat it with respect. You can't just be like, 'Alright, I got my hour down, people are coming to see me now. Now, I'm going to lean on the mike stand.' No, you gotta work even harder now. You got to top what you already did. Because they'll find someone else. — Bill Burr

Everyone should just drive out to the Mojave Desert and just experience it, and it's a fun place to live. — Bill Burr

I like finding stuff that I suck at and trying to get better. So I'm taking classes, getting myself comfortable in an acting scene. You've got to work out those ticks. For instance, standing up used to be really hard for me. I act much better if I'm sitting down. — Bill Burr

You start in bars and then restaurants, then you want to get into comedy clubs where you feature, then you headline, and once you sell out clubs you're into theaters. I've been able to get there, and it's cool to do that. — Bill Burr

It was right after 9/11 and I decided to walk around the grounds of the Pentagon, because I had never been there. Out of nowhere comes this speeding camouflaged golf cart and this guy starts yelling at me, 'What do you think you're doing!' The guy wrote my name down and began to follow me before I got really scared and took off as fast as I could. — Bill Burr

Deny your emotions and act like you have answers — Bill Burr

I think I know how to raise a kid. You just play catch with 'em. You just talk about life, and you distract them by throwing the ball. They don't even notice that you're filling up their heads with your theories. — Bill Burr

I am so pro-swine flu it's ridiculous. — Bill Burr

Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10. — Bill Burr

They say you don't want to meet your heroes, but those two guys, you do want to meet them, because they do not disappoint. Walken has this amazing sense of humor, and Pacino is like just a sweetheart of a guy. — Bill Burr

The only time I get sick of making people laugh is when I'm in a non-writing-joke mode, and I just can't seem to come up with anything new that's funny. That's a tough place to be as a comedian. — Bill Burr

If I can sell out clubs and theaters and play dirtbags in movies, and get blown up in a car or get the crap beat out of me in a movie, that's good for me; I'm good. — Bill Burr

The first guy who got Aids was a French flight attendant. How you like that Frenchie! You know when I come back and run for office, that may be the one that comes back and haunts me. — Bill Burr

I just do my act. If people in England don't get my joke I make fun of myself for telling it. — Bill Burr

If you try to deliver a funny line in a funny way, it comes out as wacky and you ruin the scene. — Bill Burr

My parents have a ridiculous work ethic; my dad just works, works, works, works, works. I think it would be hard to find a guy who's logged more hours than that guy. — Bill Burr

Let's go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you're thinking. — Bill Burr

I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him. — Bill Burr

I heard a quote once in a documentary about a band that said you're better off owning everything 100 percent and selling 20,000 copies of an album than signing with a record company and selling a million copies. There has never been a truer statement about show business than that. — Bill Burr

My favorite part of podcasting is running my mouth for an hour. The only time I don't like it is when I'm off. Then that hour feels like a day and a half. — Bill Burr

You know why men make more money than women? Because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have
to stay - that's why I get the dollar more an hour. — Bill Burr

If I get married I get a tax break, if I have a kid I get a tax break, if I get a mortgage I get a tax break. I don't have any kids and I drive a hybrid, I think I should get a tax break. I'm trying to pay off my apartment so I have something tangible. I actually figured out if I paid off my place my reward would be that I would pay an extra four grand a year in taxes. — Bill Burr

Once you do a joke and it works it's only good for so long, like shooting fish in a barrel. — Bill Burr

People make a big deal about podcasts but it's basically an online radio show with the sound effects and sidekicks, but because you can curse it's more like satellite radio. Most of the podcasters were morning guys who were fired when Clear Channel decimated the radio landscape. — Bill Burr

There is a very difficult period in a comedian's career - it's that window of time where you're good enough to draw tickets but nobody knows you yet. — Bill Burr

When you say, "there's no reason [to hit a woman]" that kills any examination as to how two people ended up at that place. When you say, "there's no reason," you cut out the build-up and you're just left with the act. How you gonna solve it if you don't figure it out? — Bill Burr

I bet The Walking Dead gets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their f-king window, am I right? — Bill Burr

Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet. — Bill Burr

Being a comedian is an incredible thing, but it can be scary sometimes. — Bill Burr

Inter-racial sex is probably some of the best sex on the planet. You know what that is? Because with inter-racial sex there's like this whole added pressure to perform. 'Cause it's kinda like you're not just humping for yourself. You're humping for your race. You got to represent your people. — Bill Burr

My neighbor's not even listening to me. He's all excited about some garden hose he bought at Brookstone. He's convinced it was designed by NASA. "Actually, it's got two nozzles, one for the hot and one for the ... " Really? Is it long enough to go around both our necks and the chimney so we can tandem jump off of this? That's all I really care about you and your little garden hose. — Bill Burr

God's everywhere, but I gotta go down (to church) to see him? Really? And he's mad at me down there, and I owe you money? — Bill Burr

There is no reason to hit a woman. And I was just like, really? I could give you like 17 right off the top of my head. — Bill Burr

You have to understand how bad I wanted to be a comedian, how much I loved doing it. I still can't believe I get to do this for a living and have people come up and want to see me. — Bill Burr

You wanna know how you know you're informed as a protestor? They don't show your interview on TV. — Bill Burr

I am so pro-swine flu ... I want it. We need a plague. It's got to happen; don't be afraid. It's only going to kill the weak. — Bill Burr

To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again. — Bill Burr

Acting in a sitcom or a comedy movie is like a comedy routine with the setups. — Bill Burr

It's a great time to be a comedian because you've got so much more control. You can say what you want to. I think in the old days with the studio system the performer was a bit of an afterthought. You can be a wildcard on the internet. But if you put something on the internet once it's out there it's out there for life. — Bill Burr

Carnegie Hall is as good as they say it is. It's not like Stonehenge which looks great in books but then you go there and it's a pile of rocks next to a highway. There's actually a highway right next to it, but you don't see that in pictures. — Bill Burr

Some guy workin' at Home Depot, he wants to f-k just as many women as a celebrity. But he can't do it, because whores don't care about lumber. — Bill Burr

If this goes into sweatshop labor, I'm quitting this podcast. — Bill Burr

Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You'll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There's no risk when you go after a dream. There's a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe. — Bill Burr

I do my podcast on Mondays for a specific reason. A lot of people go to work and don't like their jobs. If you give people something to laugh about, it's good. — Bill Burr

A lot of my fears and anxieties are the fears and anxieties of a six-year-old boy. When I finally confront them, they're really small. — Bill Burr

I wish they would teach it in schools: Give people the belief that they are going to do well. A lot of people are really talented and scared to follow their talent because you don't know where it's going. — Bill Burr

I think the fear of humiliating yourself on stage always motivates me to give at least 90 percent. I've definitely been guilty of leaning on the mic stand, but you can only do that so long before you're like, "Jesus, I'm bombing." The fact that people pay to come see me, that's really just out the window. — Bill Burr

Having a dick is one of the most dangerous things on the planet. How many people are eaten by sharks each year? How many guys lose everything they've got because of their dick? Yet the Discovery Channel has Shark week every other fucking month. Why doesn't it have Dick Week? That would be the scariest seven days in the history of television. — Bill Burr

Podcasting is great. Total freedom. — Bill Burr

I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I'm a great guy. — Bill Burr

Rich people never go to war. You ask a college kid to go to war, and he's like, 'Umm, I'm taking this sociology class, and I think war is, like, really stupid, and my roommate's, like, half Afghani, so it's going to cause some static.' — Bill Burr

Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men! — Bill Burr

Do you know how many times a week people ask me why I'm yelling? — Bill Burr

I keep doing specials because I think there are a lot of people who make movies and TV who are fans of comedy - if they start to like you, they'll get a project going and call you in. — Bill Burr

Being a stand-up comic, this isn't a stepping-stone for me; it's what I do, and this is what I'm always going to do. And even if I do a TV show, the only reasons to do a TV show is to get more people to know me to come out to my stand-up shows. — Bill Burr

When I watch 'Breaking Bad,' my stomach is in knots. — Bill Burr

I love doing radio, and I love doing stand-up, obviously. — Bill Burr

You have no idea how long a year is until you're stone sober. — Bill Burr

You're a kid, your whole life is awesome. It's awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren't
scared of nothing. I challenge you to do that as an adult. All your IDs, all your credit cards - just run out of the house with no phone, turn the corner where you can't see your house, and
not have a full on panic attack. — Bill Burr

Working on the Dave Chappelle show was amazing. — Bill Burr

I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today ... — Bill Burr

Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into. — Bill Burr

Did you ever spell a word so bad that your spell check has absolutely no clue what you're trying to spell? What do you end up getting, you end up getting, like, a question mark. You got a million dollars of technology just looking back at you like, 'You got me, buddy. Which is pretty amazing because I have all the words.' — Bill Burr

My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious. — Bill Burr

I love making movies, and being in any that I can be in. I'd like to be in those giant movies, as the fifth or sixth lead, and have three or four killer scenes. You don't have the responsibility of the entire movie being on you. I like those roles. I'm shooting for the middle. — Bill Burr

I was scared to death because for the comics of my generation, HBO specials are like the pinnacle. I'm thinking of all these unbelievable comedians I've seen on HBO: Chris Rock, George Carlin, Damon Wayans, Richard Pryor and Billy Crystal. I started having a panic attack seeing my name in that list of people. It was pretty overwhelming. — Bill Burr

I'm a standup comedian who gets to act. I'm never going to not do standup. I love doing it and when I go through periods where I'm doing a lot of acting work, I still do standup. — Bill Burr

Oh look, an ATM! Ok, here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful. — Bill Burr

I'm an idiot, basically. I don't think that I'm a dumb guy, but I also realise that I have access to about 0.1 percent of the information that I need to have a truly informed opinion about half the stuff I talk about. I'm like that loud guy in the bar, who kind of makes sense for about ten minutes, and then you realise he flunked everything at high school so you just laugh at him. — Bill Burr

You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, 'You know what? We don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody. — Bill Burr

Any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas, there's like a devil and a devil and they're just battling it out the whole time. It's like, "Smoke some crack!" "Get a hooker!" And then I go, "YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright! — Bill Burr

I've battled with that type of stuff, but what I've found is that by doing stand-up, I've actually learned about depression and how to combat it. I don't have clinical, but I've definitely had my bouts with it. — Bill Burr

As much as Metallica rocked, they always had these song names ... 'The Thing That Shouldn't Be'. 'The Chair That Wasn't There', you know? — Bill Burr