Bill Bailey Quotes & Sayings

I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they. — Bill Bailey

I am a confectionery-based existentialist. — Bill Bailey

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish. — Bill Bailey

The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don't have these. — Bill Bailey

I try to appreciate the simple things. I've just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning. — Bill Bailey

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig. — Bill Bailey

I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people's doors and running away. God that was a good game. — Bill Bailey

Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?" — Bill Bailey

I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department. — Bill Bailey

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!! — Bill Bailey

The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!" — Bill Bailey

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life ... — Bill Bailey

Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong. — Bill Bailey

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative. — Bill Bailey

Marijuana? It's harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it — Bill Bailey

What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp. — Bill Bailey

There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box. — Bill Bailey

I'm a sort of like post-modern vegetarian, I eat meat ... Ironically. — Bill Bailey

If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that's undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive. — Bill Bailey

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present ... Please leave your message after the tone." — Bill Bailey

How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ... no eight! — Bill Bailey

The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die. — Bill Bailey

I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars ... I'm not bitter at all ... — Bill Bailey

Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to. — Bill Bailey

A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he? — Bill Bailey

I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?' — Bill Bailey

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet. — Bill Bailey

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine — Bill Bailey

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability. — Bill Bailey

Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it. — Bill Bailey

(Imitating a Belarus citizen commenting on their national flag) Stupid National Anthem ... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit — Bill Bailey

It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide. — Bill Bailey

Thank God for Darwin, eh? — Bill Bailey

Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams. — Bill Bailey

At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time. I got into a theatre company and started doing stand-up gigs for cash, so I lived hand-to-mouth, but there was always enough to pay the bills. — Bill Bailey

I'm English and, as such, I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise. — Bill Bailey

Work hard, save and live within your means. — Bill Bailey

I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion! — Bill Bailey

I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened. — Bill Bailey

I got ham but I'm not a Hamster — Bill Bailey

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard — Bill Bailey

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished. — Bill Bailey

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.' — Bill Bailey

This shed does not contain me. — Bill Bailey

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.' — Bill Bailey

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law." — Bill Bailey

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish. — Bill Bailey

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg ... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder. — Bill Bailey

Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently ... — Bill Bailey

You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey, the so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing. Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing. — Bill Bailey

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers? — Bill Bailey

My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn't just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure. — Bill Bailey

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door. — Bill Bailey

On the Taliban: That ethos was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs. The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the subjugation and humiliation of women from the world of golf. — Bill Bailey

Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.' — Bill Bailey

Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you're just doing the odd appearance, you don't know if it will carry on. — Bill Bailey

I tend to go through periods worrying, "Where am I going, I can't see a way out of this," and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself. — Bill Bailey

In Unity there is strength;
We can move mountains when we're united and enjoy life -
Without unity we are victims. Stay united. — Bill Bailey

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours. — Bill Bailey

On GM crops: I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of velcro, to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles. But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding velcro so it's a bit of a long shot. — Bill Bailey

Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate. — Bill Bailey

I spent money on a decent bike, a bit of kit for paddle boarding and I like bird watching so I bought a decent pair of binoculars but as far as bottles of Cristal champagne and Gucci loafers? No, blingy and showy stuff isn't me. — Bill Bailey

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still. — Bill Bailey

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that. — Bill Bailey

So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all! — Bill Bailey

American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it. — Bill Bailey

The day after tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life - that way you've always got a couple of days in hand. — Bill Bailey

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!" — Bill Bailey

Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism. — Bill Bailey

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship. — Bill Bailey

Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context. — Bill Bailey

Relaxed Empiricism
I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened. — Bill Bailey

Nostalgia: How long's that been around? — Bill Bailey