Bauvard Quotes & Sayings

A ransom note, the true test of unconditional love. — Bauvard

Experience: the vehicle of history. Teenagers: the driving force behind fatal accidents. — Bauvard

Don't drink away your dreams; drink towards them. — Bauvard

Sympathy is why when a man is getting mugged, you let him keep his shirt after you take his life. Funerals are respectable affairs, after all. — Bauvard

Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers. — Bauvard

Rioter: a person who wants dinner, and needs a TV to eat it with. — Bauvard

First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back. — Bauvard

What is the world coming to when girls allow their hands to be kissed without gloves? That young people don't use proper protection these days is exactly why there are always so many colds going around. — Bauvard

The only way to be completely self-consistent is to be constantly uttering paradoxes. — Bauvard

Be true to your divided selves. They're the only ones who will support you in moments of vacillation. — Bauvard

The only way to tell a fable is to introduce a human. The only way to tell a proverb is to introduce your grandfather. — Bauvard

Don't believe anything I say. My point of view is merely objective. — Bauvard

The amount of educational programming on television today is simply desensitizing. The only reason left to go to school is to see gun violence. — Bauvard

Injuries heal, but wrinkles are the scars of time. — Bauvard

The smaller the dinner table, the better the side conversation: you can gossip about the guests without fearing whether you will be overheard. It just isn't good table manners to exclude someone from their own ridicule. That's why the juiciest side conversations occur at a table for one. — Bauvard

Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don't bother introducing yourself. — Bauvard

The problem with our society is that our values aren't in the right place. There's an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming. — Bauvard

Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles. — Bauvard

Somewhere in the background of magnificence lurks the kitchen staff. But a magnificent person only forgets about his origins, never his brunch. — Bauvard

Seize something wonderful; don't lose your chance waiting for it to become legal. — Bauvard

Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy. — Bauvard

Neighbors are the most indecent sort of folk around. Nothing but voyeurs and gossipers. As a community we would be much better off without them. — Bauvard

I may be slow, but I know a racist when I'm called one - and I am proud to support the supremacy of the 100-meter leisurely stroll. — Bauvard

When one's unconscious is full of vice, nothing realizes inner potential like hypocrisy. — Bauvard

I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a bad way to advance my political career. — Bauvard

Divorce runs high these days, but I'm an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular. — Bauvard

If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other. — Bauvard

There are lots of things sons shouldn't imagine about their mothers, above all what it was like to become one. — Bauvard

You can always tell the quality of an author by their cover picture. Bad writers bear an idiotic smile on the inside flap. Great writers take up the entire back cover looking slightly mad, sad, or bored. The very best writers, though, had the superior ability to die before photography was invented. — Bauvard

Religious fasting is the best way to cure an anorexic's spirit: in heaven her condition will be normal. — Bauvard

Nothing is more attractive than universal appeal. That is what makes androgyny the peacekeeping persuasion. — Bauvard

The French: a people who have used their sophisticated culture and beautiful language to bequeath to the world the sliced potato. — Bauvard

I had a dream about you. You were being hung. I had a sword in one hand and a stool in the other. I couldn't decide which one to use, so I stood on the stool and threw myself on the sword. It was the least I could do to protest capital punishment. — Bauvard

Pure joy is rare. That's why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak. — Bauvard

There is an enduring freshness in what remains strange and obscure which the cliches of greatness can only evoke nostalgia for. — Bauvard

The stoic contemplates fallen leaves; the epicure rakes them into a loveseat. — Bauvard

I study men like I study books: I skim their midsections. — Bauvard

I don't believe in failure. I'm perseverant - I believe in failing. — Bauvard

Flatterers should be mistrusted, especially when they praise the dead. To seek a place in society is self-serving, but to seek one in history affects everyone. — Bauvard

Cannibal: epicures who abstain from alcohol and tobacco. As moral guides, they are underutilized in the police forces of modern societies. — Bauvard

A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman - the idea of her. — Bauvard

Embarrassing facts, those would really help our children remember their classroom lessons better. — Bauvard

We live in one of the few epochs of humanity where life isn't just a painful cycle of toil, fatigue, and collapse. Now pleasure gyrates us through those stages. — Bauvard

Inconsistent parenting creates confusion. When I'm pitting mom against dad, they never know what to expect. — Bauvard

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates. — Bauvard

It's best to only exercise when the air conditioning is working properly outside. A strong wind ensures one doesn't sweat very much. — Bauvard

I compensate for my debauchery by being brilliant at it. I make sacrifices for it by waking up in a gutter covered in the fruits of my genius. — Bauvard

Attacking the person instead of the argument is condemned in logic, widespread in physics, and not used nearly enough in humanism. — Bauvard

When you don't hold your pipe with the proper poise, smoking is very hazardous for your image. — Bauvard

Use condoms; it's wise not to gamble with your children's future. — Bauvard

Making love to a person in their sleep is the only guarantee they'll wake up with a smile on their face. — Bauvard

I had a dream about you. We couldn't decide on a sunrise. You wanted a tan, I only cared about the view. Then World War III fulfilled both our desires. — Bauvard

Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion. — Bauvard

I don't believe in a lot of phenomena that fall under the term 'parapsychology.' Especially that one branch, psychology. You're going to tell me there's something inside my head, controlling me? — Bauvard

Some people won't have kids, but I'm not going to have parents. I'm burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight. — Bauvard

One never owns a book. It sits on your shelf in a fine edition like a piece of furniture, and you are its admiring ward until it flies off from you in a time of financial hardship. If it is a tattered paperback, she is your casual mistress you use a few times. If you have read it a hundred times then it is your wife, and a source of infinite mystery. — Bauvard

Artists are the serfs of a leisure society. — Bauvard

I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I'm heaven's landscape painter. — Bauvard

We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in. — Bauvard

Aping the lower class will only lead to fatherless children, unusable muscles, and the fear of tomorrow's sobriety. — Bauvard

Children should have a balanced diet. They should only consume sugar, salt, and fat in equal quantities. — Bauvard

A man without debts is a man without anything to live for. Debt is collateral for life. It provides you with obligations to others, gives you duty, gives you purpose: the purpose to protect those possessions which you would not otherwise have without your debt. Debt is the most responsible way to elevate your social position. — Bauvard

When it's not enough to veto your children's tendencies, you must in vitro them. — Bauvard

If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors. — Bauvard

After all else, there's more yet: I don't know what, though. — Bauvard

I don't read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me. — Bauvard

As a captain whose vessel is about to crash on the rocks empties its souls of doubt, so are the hesitant useful for throwing off of an enterprise nearing its end: blame must be cast in failure, profits divided easily in success. — Bauvard

Quote: a banal proverb that is considered profound when uttered by a celebrity. — Bauvard

It is a known fact that pain and pleasure are the two most basic elements of life. But the secret is to simplify that fact. — Bauvard

Buddhism: a violent religion that has compensated for the exploding human population by causing whole species of animal vessels to go extinct. — Bauvard

I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people's nightmares. — Bauvard

I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was 'excuse me'. — Bauvard

Frogs. We all want their long tongues and jumping power, but aspiring superheroes rarely consider the benefits of growing up as sperm. — Bauvard

Humor is not an end in itself, but a tool to understanding. A dense head must be tickled with an ax. — Bauvard

Don't swallow: your bulging, blushing cheeks display the saliva you want to share. — Bauvard

Self-awareness of one's faults, far from being the first step to growth, is very often the second foot in the mud. — Bauvard

Sending love letters to first-graders will teach them lessons in cursive. But writing back will test their commitment. — Bauvard

Hypocrisy is a quality found in others. I am an optimist. I believe that saying the right thing will eventually cause people to do the right thing for me. — Bauvard

Envy is for people who don't have the self-esteem to be jealous. — Bauvard

Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses. — Bauvard

I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy. — Bauvard

A hobby is labor disguising itself as leisure. It is extremely destructive to the boundaries of private life. — Bauvard

Liver failure is the easiest way to say 'no' to alcohol. — Bauvard

Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I'm proving her wrong. I'm going to die on my knees, begging for my life. — Bauvard

Moderation: a median with no means, praised by those with no misfortunes, practiced by those with no merits. — Bauvard

If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area. — Bauvard

I have never sought to displease; I merely seek pleasure and avoid the pain it causes those who work to produce it. That is what it means to live by the leisure principle. — Bauvard

I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to distract our pursuers. — Bauvard

Like a valet who commits grand theft auto not to go for a joy ride but to open a used car lot, so do we seize upon love not to revel in its ecstasies but to haggle over its blue-book value. — Bauvard

It is so wearisome having to represent things. That is why I refuse to look at abstract art. It is much too suggestive of the style of my thoughts, and I never think about my thoughts. — Bauvard

Spontaneous abortion: the opposite of immaculate conception. God has compensated for Christianity's violent history by revealing that innocent blood does not have to be spilt. — Bauvard

Have a baby shower, then an abortion. Now you just have to lose a little weight to squeeze into all your skimpy new outfits. — Bauvard

When cultivating your garden, keep the soil healthy with encroachers. The most redolent flowers grow over graves. — Bauvard

I ran into an old friend on the street and we started up a conversation. Four hours and six bottles of wine later, we decided the weather was just too unpredictable, and we parted ways. — Bauvard

Folk wisdom: quaint sayings of urban sophisticates compiled from the suburbs. — Bauvard

Without humor, we'd all be what we're laughing at. Without arrogance, we'd be humiliated to admit we already are. — Bauvard

Men only treat women like princesses when they want to use them like prostitutes. — Bauvard

I dropped out of school and congratulated myself for my diligence. Few realize how hard one has to work to resist the pressures of conventional success. — Bauvard

Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent's past, there's leftover booze and contraceptives. — Bauvard

To die famous is the goal of the immortal. To die young is the goal of the healthy. To die memorably is the goal of the survivor. — Bauvard