Aziz Ansari Quotes & Sayings

I always hate telling my jokes in print 'cause I always feel like it reads so not funny and people read it and they think, 'Oh, so that's what that guy does in his stand-up? That's terrible.' — Aziz Ansari

What's up with these people and the food analogies?! — Aziz Ansari

With stand-up, I can have an idea, go down the street to a comedy club and work on it, flesh it out, book a venue, people will come, then film it. I do all that myself; I never have to answer to anybody. — Aziz Ansari

The most influential thing was the two Chris Rock specials that came out when I was in high school. I was obsessed with that stuff. — Aziz Ansari

If you were in a bar, would you ever go up to a guy or girl and repeat the word "hey" without getting a response? Would you ever go up to a woman you met two minutes ago and beg her to show you one of your boobs? And do you really want to bone someone who responds to this? — Aziz Ansari

We want something that's very passionate, or boiling, from the get-go. In the past, people weren't looking for something boiling; they just needed some water. Once they found it and committed to a life together, they did their best to heat things up. Now, if things aren't boiling, committing to marriage seems premature. But searching for a soul mate takes a long time and requires enormous emotional investment. The problem is that this search for the perfect person can generate a lot of stress. Younger generations face immense pressure to find the "perfect person" that simply didn't exist in the past when "good enough" was good enough. — Aziz Ansari

I prefer being totally sober myself. — Aziz Ansari

Some are clearly so confused that they have taken to wearing fedoras. A difficult period indeed. — Aziz Ansari

I don't think you can describe your ideal girl. A big part of that is just meeting someone and really clicking with them and wanting to hang out with them all of the time. — Aziz Ansari

My dad grew up basically in a hut in Taiwan without enough food to eat. And within one generation his son in America gets to do a comedy show about whatever he wants. — Aziz Ansari

After the rings, the priest should just say, "Enjoy it, bing-bongs. Due to our brain's tendency toward hedonic adaptation, you won't feel quite this giddy in a few years. All right, where's the pigs in a blanket? I'm outta here. — Aziz Ansari

There's lots of competition for attractive women, and women get much higher hit rates than men. Granted. But in the midst of this he also said something incredible: "I got approximately 350 matches in 5 months." That's seventy people a month. Twenty years ago, if you met a guy who said he'd met seventy women who'd expressed — Aziz Ansari

The key, Dinesh said, is to have friends who hang out in different groups in different places, and to mix up the nights so that you're spending some time with all of them. Whether it's in church, with volunteer groups, at office parties, or on a sports field, it's always a place where people meet organically. — Aziz Ansari

If thou canst walk on water, thou art no better than a straw. If thou canst fly in the air, thou art no better than a fly. Conquer thy heart that thou mayest become somebody. — Aziz Ansari

Acting is a plum gig, and then animation is an even more plum gig. — Aziz Ansari

One firm takeaway from all our interviews with women is that most dudes out there are straight-up bozos. — Aziz Ansari

For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well have just been, like, a fat kid. — Aziz Ansari

between 2005 and 2012 more than one third of couples who got married in the United States met through an online dating site. Online dating was the single biggest way people met their spouses. Bigger than work, friends, and school combined. — Aziz Ansari

We have two selves: a real-world self and a phone self, and the nonsense our phone selves do can make our real-world selves look like idiots...Act like a dummy with your phone self aand send some thoughtless message full of spelling errors, and the real-world self will pay the price. — Aziz Ansari

one text can change the whole dynamic of a budding relationship. In a certain context, even just saying something as innocuous as "Hey, let's hang out sometime" or spelling errors or punctuation choices can irritate someone. When I spoke with Sherry Turkle about this, she said that texting, unlike an in-person conversation, is not a forgiving medium for mistakes. — Aziz Ansari

The whole idea of love is scary - so is being with someone for the rest of your life and being happy with them for the rest of your life. There's lots of research to suggest that, actually, love's not really that simple. — Aziz Ansari

But this whole idea of marrying for happiness and love is relatively new. For — Aziz Ansari

After you do a joke a few times, you have material that you know works. Although sometimes I have a joke that has worked a bunch of times and then one night it'll flop. And that's when I really take a hard look at myself and say: 'Well, that crowd is obviously wrong. That crowd has absolutely no idea what it's talking about.' — Aziz Ansari

I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration. — Aziz Ansari

I think when people talk about improvising it turns into this silly thing like, "Oh there's like a hula hoop there and I'm like 'Oh what's going on here? Is this a really big ring?'" — Aziz Ansari

If this mentality has so pervaded our decision making, then it stands to reason that it is also affecting our search for a romantic partner, especially if it's going to be long-term. In a sense, it already has. Remember: We are no longer the generation of the "good enough" marriage. We are now looking for our soul mates. And even after we find our soul mates, if we start feeling unhappy, we get divorced. — Aziz Ansari

I can't think of any bank robbery comedy where it's about two normal guys. It's kind of like Superbad meets Heat, which is a cool combo, and it's just fun doing a normal guy that's robbing a bank. — Aziz Ansari

asking a new person to go on a romantic outing has never been easy. It means declaring your attraction to someone and putting yourself out there in a huge way, while risking the brutal possibility of rejection - or, in the modern era, even an unexplained, icy-cold silence. — Aziz Ansari

I like going out and I like being single, but a growing part of me would rather just stay home, cook food with someone I really like, and do nothing. — Aziz Ansari

Marriage, most women quickly discovered, liberated them from their parents but made them dependent on a man who might or might not treat them well and then saddled them with the responsibilities of homemaking and child rearing. — Aziz Ansari

I spend so much time on the Internet ... I feel like I'm a million pages into the worst book ever, and I'm never going to stop reading. — Aziz Ansari

Whats the worst that could happen?! The worst that could happen is he could cut off your legs and use them to make stilts that look like legs! — Aziz Ansari

Today the average age of first marriage is about twenty-seven for women and twenty-nine for men, and it's around thirty for both men and women in big cities like New York and Philadelphia. — Aziz Ansari

I have a couple of 'doing caps' in my wallet. That's what I call condoms. — Aziz Ansari

Finding someone today is probably more complicated and stressful than it was for previous generations - but you're also more likely to end up with someone you are really excited about. Our — Aziz Ansari

I write characters that are based on elements of people I know and experiences I've really had. — Aziz Ansari

One girl raved about a nice voicemail a guy had recently left her. I kindly requested she play it and heard this gem: 'Hey, Lydia. It's Sam. Just calling to say what's up. Gimme a ring when you get a chance.'

THAT WAS IT.

I pleaded to know what was so great about this. She sweetly recalled that 'he remembered my name, he said hi, and he told me to call him back.'

Never mind the fact that what she described was the content of LITERALLY EVERY VOICE MAIL IN HISTORY. Name, hello, please call back. Not really a boatload of charm on display. To fail this test, a guy would have to leave a message that said: 'No greeting. This is man. I don't remember you. End communication. — Aziz Ansari

Even in my stand-up, there's a lot more positivity and enthusiasm rather than negative, I-hate-everything vibes. — Aziz Ansari

Marriage was too vital an economic and political institution to be entered into solely on the basis of something as irrational as love," writes Coontz. — Aziz Ansari

The four sweetest words in the English language - 'You wore me down.' — Aziz Ansari

Much of online dating, Finkel and company argued, is based on the faulty notion that the kind of information we can see in a profile is actually useful in determining whether that person would make a good partner. — Aziz Ansari

Carol, I can't describe how you make me feel. Wait, no, I can - you make my mind release pleasure-inducing neurotransmitters and you've flooded my mind with dopamine. If the experience of snorting cocaine and getting so high out of my mind that I want to climb a telephone pole with my bare hands just to see if I can do it were a person, it would be you. — Aziz Ansari

At one point during a focus group with older women, I asked them straight out whether a lot of women their age got married just to get out of the house. Every single woman there nodded. — Aziz Ansari

With stand-up, it's more interesting to hear about people's failures than their successes. — Aziz Ansari

Comedians don't have hits. You have to have a whole brand-new hour. You have no hits to rely on. — Aziz Ansari

I just didn't want to be pigeonholed as an 'ethnic comic' or an 'Asian comic.' I just wanted to be on the same playing field as everyone else. — Aziz Ansari

Companionate love is neurologically different from passionate love. Passionate love always spikes early, then fades away, while companionate love is less intense but grows over time. And, whereas passionate love lights up the brain's pleasure centers, companionate love is associated with the regions having to do with long-term bonding and relationships. Anthropologist Helen Fisher, the author of Anatomy of Love and one of the most cited scholars in the study of sex and — Aziz Ansari

London seems to be a town with a lot of comedy fans and people that really enjoy stand-up. — Aziz Ansari

Come cook food with me and do nothing. — Aziz Ansari

They are more invested in the deep commitment to the relationship, rather than being personally invested in finding a soul mate, which can tend to lead to the "Is there something better out there for me?" mentality. — Aziz Ansari

That's one reason why today meeting in bars or in the neighborhood is far less common among LGBT couples than it used to be, and why nearly 70 percent of LGBT couples meet online. (BLT couples - bacon, lettuce, and tomato couples - are inanimate objects and are not engaging in romantic pursuits.) — Aziz Ansari

I've always tried to maintain that I don't have any advice to give. I'm a curious observer. — Aziz Ansari

I was surprised to learn that research showed arranged couples tended to be happier in the long run. — Aziz Ansari

I guess my music taste is pretty predictable: I like new indie rock stuff, older stuff. — Aziz Ansari

What's cool about Twitter is that you can make a joke about something very of-the-moment or random that I wouldn't be able to joke about in stand-up. — Aziz Ansari

Encountering potential partners via online dating profiles reduces three-dimensional people to two-dimensional displays of information, — Aziz Ansari

In today's romantic climate, many people are plagued by what we will call "the upgrade problem". Singles constantly wonder whether there is a better match, an upgrade. — Aziz Ansari

For the first time in history, the typical American now spends more years single than married. What — Aziz Ansari

You want what you can't have. And if someone's being shitty to you, just move on. If someone's being shitty to you, no matter how great they are, that's shitty, and you don't want be with someone who treats you shitty. — Aziz Ansari

In 2014 a survey conducted by a nonprofit organization called Stop Street Harassment revealed that more than 60 percent of women in Buenos Aires had experienced intimidation from men who catcalled them.18 To a lot of men in Buenos Aires, women's concern came as a surprise. When asked about the survey, Buenos Aires's mayor, Mauricio Macri, dismissed it as inaccurate and proceeded to explain why women couldn't possibly have a problem with being shouted at by strangers. "All women like to be told compliments," he said. "Those who say they're offended are lying. Even though you'll say something rude, like 'What a cute ass you have' . . . it's all good. There is nothing more beautiful than the beauty of women, right? It's almost the reason that men breathe. — Aziz Ansari

Do I call? Do I text? Do I send a Facebook message? Do I send up a smoke signal? How does one do that? Will I set my rented house on fire? How embarrassed will I be when I have to tell the home's owner, actor James Earl Jones, that I burned his house down trying to send a smoke signal? — Aziz Ansari

Others fear what the morrow may bring. I am afraid of what happened yesterday. — Aziz Ansari

Maybe we are trying to meet every single person in order to be sure we have the best. Maybe we have it all wrong. — Aziz Ansari

This is one of my favorite pick up strategies: I'm constantly giving women my keys. So far, none of them have shown up. Matter of time. And I've been robbed twice. — Aziz Ansari

I was 18 when I started. I was hanging out with some friends and they asked if I had tried stand-up before. I hadn't, but I thought: 'What the hell?' So I went to an open mic night, and I liked it. — Aziz Ansari

I'm an optimist - I feel like an amazing part of life is that at any moment. — Aziz Ansari

Even if you say you "don't play games," that is a type of game - it is the "I don't play games" game. — Aziz Ansari

I just think it's sad that the main places in our culture that we designate to meet new people are bars and nightclubs.. — Aziz Ansari

Monroe is about sixty miles outside of New York City. It's home to approximately eight thousand people. It's a small community where most everyone knows one another. There's nothing but strip malls and second-tier grocery chains you never see elsewhere. If you click on the "Attractions" tab on TripAdvisor's Monroe page, it brings up a message that says, "I'm sorry, you must have clicked here by mistake. No one could possibly be planning a trip to Monroe to see its 'Attractions.' I have a feeling about why you'd want to go to Monroe. Here, let me redirect you to a suicide-prevention site. — Aziz Ansari

The interesting thing about text is that, as a medium, it separates you from the person you are speaking with, so you can act differently from how you would in person or even on the phone. — Aziz Ansari

Instead of yelling your opinion, or telling people to shut up, or engaging in this clickbait-internet culture, have a dialogue with someone and ask people questions and listen to what they have to say. — Aziz Ansari

How do we figure out when to call, when to text, and when to just drop everything, stand outside someone's window, and serenade them with your favorite nineties R&B tune, perhaps "All My Life" by K-Ci & JoJo? — Aziz Ansari

She felt HORRIBLE. It was the greatest Valentine's Day gift I've ever received. — Aziz Ansari

As we see more and more people online, it can get difficult to remember that behind every text message, OkCupid profile, and Tinder picture there's an actual living, breathing, complex person, just like you. — Aziz Ansari

people have been cheating on each other for as long as they've made promises to be monogamous — Aziz Ansari

It's hard to really get that excited about movies. Think about it like this: how many good comedy movies come out a year? Maybe one or two? And then, in those movies, what are the chances that there's a character that I'm the best fit to play? It's really small! — Aziz Ansari

It's the hardest thing to come up with an hour of material that can consistently keep people laughing. — Aziz Ansari

I have found that she is as kind and caring a person as she is hilarious. Simply put, Amy Poehler is my hero. — Aziz Ansari

Another poll, from Gallup, found that infidelity is more universally disapproved of than polygamy, animal cloning, and suicide.11 So if there were two guys at a bar, one cheating on his wife and another with a cloned pig named Bootsie, it would be the cheater, not Bootsie the pig, getting more disapproving looks. — Aziz Ansari

I live in L.A., I go on tour all the time, I'm in New York half the year - it's very hard to be in a relationship. — Aziz Ansari

When you look at your phone and see a text from a potential partner, you don't always see another person - you often see a little bubble with text in it. And it's easy to forget that this bubble is actually a person. — Aziz Ansari

I'm the kind of person, if I see something, like a funny video, I want to share it. With Twitter and Tumblr you can do that on a mass scale, and people get to know your personality. — Aziz Ansari

The couples that did the novel and exciting activities showed a significantly greater increase in relationship quality. — Aziz Ansari

I'm kind of obsessed with food. I like to eat. — Aziz Ansari

In her book Alone Together, MIT social psychologist Sherry Turkle convincingly makes the case that younger people are so used to text-based communications, where they have time to gather their thoughts and precisely plan what they are going to say, that they are losing their ability to have spontaneous conversation. She argues that the muscles in our brain that help us with spontaneous conversation are getting less exercise in the text-filled world, so our skills are declining. — Aziz Ansari

It's much more fun to share and laugh at the bad times and the frustrations. I find you get a much deeper connection with the audience that way. — Aziz Ansari

You go to any Jay-Z concert, and he plays his hits. Comedians don't have hits. You have to have a whole brand-new hour. You have no hits to rely on. It's the hardest thing. — Aziz Ansari

If you subscribe to Sherry Turkle's argument that the prevalence of text-based communications is leading to a decline in face-to-face conversations and the skills to conduct them, the shift makes total sense. — Aziz Ansari

And now I'm at home on a laptop again, typing out stuff for this chapter that you are reading right now, possibly on a screen as well! — Aziz Ansari

Any jokes I make I try to make sure it's on story and helps the characters and makes sense with the movie. — Aziz Ansari

True love? This guy has a job and a decent mustache. Lock it down, girl. — Aziz Ansari

too many people spend way too much time doing the online part of online dating, not the dating part. — Aziz Ansari

To be honest, I tend to romanticize the past, and though I appreciate all the conveniences of modern life, sometimes I yearn for simpler times. — Aziz Ansari

Initially, we are attracted to people by their physical appearance and traits we can quickly recognize. But the things that really make us fall for someone are their deeper, more unique qualities, and usually those only come out during sustained interactions. — Aziz Ansari

Other than friends and family, my favorite things are New York and stand-up. I love doing comedy in New York - I can do way more stand-up here than in Los Angeles. — Aziz Ansari

Everyone, including the women who said they were happily married, said they wanted their daughters and granddaughters to approach marriage differently from how they had. — Aziz Ansari

Stand-up comedy is a raunchy profession. — Aziz Ansari

It was brutal to read. After two years the relationship was ended with a ":/," not even a fully fleshed-out emoji. There — Aziz Ansari

I went to a place recently I think is one of the most f**ked up places I've ever been to. I'm convinced this place is the epitome of American excess, of American greed. I'm talking about a place called Cold Stone Creamery. Whoa. If you have not been there, the basic gist of Cold Stone is that they take ice cream and then they just go ape sh*t with it. — Aziz Ansari

Oh, I'm sure he's much more intelligent and thoughtful in person. This is just his "lazy phone persona. — Aziz Ansari