Andy Borowitz Quotes & Sayings
Enjoy the top 55 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Andy Borowitz.
Famous Quotes By Andy Borowitz
All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson. — Andy Borowitz
Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public. — Andy Borowitz
I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart. — Andy Borowitz
If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn. — Andy Borowitz
US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage. — Andy Borowitz
Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun. — Andy Borowitz
Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel. — Andy Borowitz
White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a story published today in "Duh" magazine. — Andy Borowitz
Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday. — Andy Borowitz
A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten. — Andy Borowitz
Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence. — Andy Borowitz
It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest. — Andy Borowitz
Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing. — Andy Borowitz
As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution. — Andy Borowitz
There is a fine line between social networking and wasting your fucking life. — Andy Borowitz
Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.' — Andy Borowitz
Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron. — Andy Borowitz
Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.' — Andy Borowitz
If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born. — Andy Borowitz
Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role. — Andy Borowitz
Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap. — Andy Borowitz
Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery. — Andy Borowitz
Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. — Andy Borowitz
On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations. — Andy Borowitz
Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part. — Andy Borowitz
To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney. — Andy Borowitz
The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil. — Andy Borowitz
John Edwards is a tragic case of a man who ran for President when he should have joined the Secret Service. — Andy Borowitz
Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know. — Andy Borowitz
NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out. — Andy Borowitz
Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted. — Andy Borowitz
A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog. — Andy Borowitz
If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them — Andy Borowitz
We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS. — Andy Borowitz
Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads. — Andy Borowitz
Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people" — Andy Borowitz
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. — Andy Borowitz
Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning. — Andy Borowitz
It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that. — Andy Borowitz
As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires. — Andy Borowitz
Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy. — Andy Borowitz
Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions. — Andy Borowitz
Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years. — Andy Borowitz
The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there. — Andy Borowitz
I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one. — Andy Borowitz
Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help. — Andy Borowitz
The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps; and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns. — Andy Borowitz
The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about. — Andy Borowitz
Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one. — Andy Borowitz
Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting. — Andy Borowitz
You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives. — Andy Borowitz
Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun. — Andy Borowitz
Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years. — Andy Borowitz
The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked. — Andy Borowitz
Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that. — Andy Borowitz