Andrew Shaffer Quotes & Sayings

The building is a ginormous 175-story office building that juts into the sky like a glass and steel erection. — Andrew Shaffer

Don't needlessly draw attention to yourself. If you're twerking on the beach, a circling pteracuda could mistake you for a wounded animal. — Andrew Shaffer

For the first time since he showed up in my checkout lane, I let my eyes wander the full length of his body. The bulge in his running down the side of his pants leg is quite noticeable; either he has a banana in his pocket, or he's happy to see me. Then I notice a similar bulge running down the side of his other pants leg. Either he has two bananas in his pockets, or he has two erections. — Andrew Shaffer

I have hobbies," he says, smirking. "Physical pursuits: Base-jumping, hang-gliding, underwater basket-weaving. — Andrew Shaffer

As I brush my long, brown hair, the girl in the mirror with blue eyes too big for her head stares back at me. Wait ... I don't have blue eyes! Then I realize I haven't been looking into the mirror. I've been staring at a poster of Kristen Stewart for five minutes. My own hair is actually fine. — Andrew Shaffer

NOTE: In the rare situation a megatsunami washes a T. rex into your path, you won't be carrying a weapon large enough to hurt it. If it's intent on eating you, it will eat you. However, you will be killed by the coolest dinosaur ever. Most people go their whole lives without ever seeing a T. rex in person. Do you know how lucky you are? — Andrew Shaffer

If the food supply runs out, try trapping or hunting animals. For most people, this won't be easy. If you can't catch any animals, it's time to throw a Donner party. — Andrew Shaffer

I shake his hand, and feel the jolt of electricity again from him. He laughs and raises his hand to show me the joy-buzzer in his palm. — Andrew Shaffer

If it's dive-bombing you from the air, bury yourself in the sand. It might lose sight of you. Also, no one likes to eat food covered in sand. No one. — Andrew Shaffer

You can survive up to three weeks without food. You can only survive for three days without water. No one knows how many days you can survive without caffeine. — Andrew Shaffer

She hands me a security badge that says VIRGIN. — Andrew Shaffer

Most times, my mind is just an ongoing, present-tense, first-person monologue. It's like I'm writing a novel, constantly, but only in my brain. — Andrew Shaffer

I like my tea like I like my men," I say. With the last name "Grey." But I realize that's too forward, so I add, "Black."
He raises an eyebrow.
"I mean, not that I exclusively like black men," I say, trying to recover. "I like other kinds of tea. And men."
"Have you ever tasted ... white tea, Anna? — Andrew Shaffer

Aren't we running out of things to discover? The short answer is 'no'. The long answer is also 'no'. There's still plenty of things we don't know, both large and small. — Andrew Shaffer

The receptionist laughs. Relax. It just means you're a first-time visitor here at Gray Holdings. — Andrew Shaffer

3. When making your dramatic exit, crawl along one of the web strands that extend outward from the center. Avoid the webbing that runs in concentric circles, as it's the stickiest.
4. Once you've escaped, say something snarky to the queen, like "Sorry I couldn't stick around. — Andrew Shaffer

Abby had a little experience with the rap genre already - she used to spit rhymes with this little blond neighbor kid when she would visit her aunt and uncle in Detroit. Marshall something. Great kid. A little tightly wound. — Andrew Shaffer

My shift isn't over until six," I say glumly.
"Hold on," he says. He pulls a Blackberry from his coat pocket and taps out a text. It buzzes, and he taps out another text before stashing it back in his pocket. "I think you can take the rest of the afternoon off."
"I only have a week left, but my boss would kill me," I say.
"I'm your boss, Anna."
"What do you mean?"
There's that smile again, the one with all those teeth. "I just bought Walmart," he says. — Andrew Shaffer

No man is an island," he says. "Islands are made of dirt and rocks and trees. I don't know any people made of such things. Therefore, people are not islands. — Andrew Shaffer

He hands me his shopping list and I lead him through the store in search of the items. Duct tape? Plastic wrap? A hacksaw? Who is this guy, Dexter? — Andrew Shaffer

What if you suddenly saw a two-ton great white shark barreling through the air toward your face? Such a sight defies all logic. "That's fake," you mumble. Your brain shorts out. Your legs won't move. Without this book, the best you can hope for is to be killed in a dry pair of underwear. — Andrew Shaffer

Stop it, girl. There's no way he's five-years-old. Or one hundred. He's probably like every other CEO on the planet: Late twenties, handsome in that geeky sort of way, and just as awkward as you. I breathe a sigh of relief, because I know I'm probably right. — Andrew Shaffer

Who is this man I'm supposed to interview, this man whose last name is the same as the color of my sweatpants? Is that a sign? — Andrew Shaffer

The people are so small, they look like ants (although they're Walmart customers, so they look like obese ants). — Andrew Shaffer