Famous Quotes & Sayings

Amy Schumer Quotes & Sayings

Enjoy the top 100 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Amy Schumer.

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Famous Quotes By Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 2184153

You become a woman the first time you stand up for yourself when they get your order wrong at a diner, or when you first realize your parents are full of shit. You become a woman the first time you get fitted for a bra and realize you've been wearing a very wrong size your whole fucking life. You become a woman the first time you fart in front of a boyfriend. The first time your heart breaks. The first time you break someone else's heart. The first time someone you love dies. The — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 337435

I think for anyone to become good at something, they have to fail a lot too. And they have to be completely unafraid to fail or they'll never make it to the next level. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 157741

If you're a true introvert, other people are basically energy vampires. You don't hate them; you just have to be strategic about when you expose yourself to them - like the sun. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 472590

I only met Joan Rivers once. But when she passed away, it felt like a part of me went away, too. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 480430

I hate false advertising, like 'Skittles: taste the rainbow.' No one's ever been like, 'Rainbow, right you guys?' Or what's Reese's? 'There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.' Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn't love you. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1909962

I can stand onstage all night talking to thousands of people about my most vulnerable and private feelings - like my thoughts on the last guy who was inside me, or the fact that I eat like the glutton in the movie Se7en when I'm drunk. But I really don't do as well at parties or gatherings where I feel like I am obligated to be more "social." Usually — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 2170099

I'm sure in the past I've said marriage is stupid. Marriage makes someone sign a contract promising something they really can't deliver. I'm sure I will again say marriage is dumb. But I can also imagine why it could be lovely. There's something beautiful about truly being there for another person. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 466078

I would be like the third-hottest bartender at a Dave & Buster's in Cincinnati. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1827848

Comedy isn't really something where you get discovered. You can't network your way to being funny or talented. It's not hard to get seen if you're funny. If you're funny, talented, and work hard, you will go somewhere. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1551592

I don't even want to know someone who isn't barely hanging on by a thread. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 750076

He presented to the world the facade of a certain kind of man who wasn't really there. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1196511

Like literally, the final moments of life come to mind when I begin to love someone. I think, Will this dude push my wheelchair? And even scarier, Would I be willing to push his? — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 312267

They weren't ashamed of their bodily functions and they didn't lie to themselves or others. They had no patience for small talk or false pretenses. They would laugh when they wanted to like there was no tomorrow, and cry their eyes out when they felt like it. Basically, I had finally found my people. HOW I LOST MY VIRGINITY I always fantasized about losing my virginity the way I think most girls envision their weddings: being surrounded by my friends and family, with a clergyman present. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1466566

I've done some things I'm embarrassed about, and I like to tell people about them so that maybe they feel less embarrassed or alone when they do something they're unsure about. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1084205

The way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn't it? By vomiting or using hard drugs - which I can't afford. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1287521

I like to create stuff. I like to express myself through jokes. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 2004475

You shoot saltwater in your ass? — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1744400

I may sound like a megalomaniac, but I feel like I'm equipped to become a great, memorable comedian, if I keep working my ass off and staying at the pace I'm at, and I feel a responsibility to do that because of the women who have done it before me, and the ones who need to do it after me. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1222358

To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and find the best vehicle that you have to communicate what you're saying to people. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1764138

I am a hot-blooded fire and I am fearless. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 238719

As women, most interactions from around age eight on teach us to keep things cool so no one is inspired to, God forbid, call us the U or F words: "ugly" or "fat." I'm not the first to point out how women are taught that our value comes from how we look, and that it takes a lifetime (or at least until menopause) for most women to undo this awful lie. As — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 648786

I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It's not true. I'm right where I should be. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 272141

Let's all just follow the lead of Glamour, and join forces and lift each other up. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1433613

I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 314295

He was really into family ... He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1467289

I'm not extra sensitive to handshakes. I shake hands all the time. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1690979

I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I'm not trying to make headlines. I'm just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1198820

The kids didn't call me Amy Schumer; they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I'll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, 'Excuse me - this is awesome! — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1572273

I know my worth. I embrace my power. I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story. I will. I'll speak and share and fuck and love, and I will never apologize for it. I am amazing for you, not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1483934

I'm so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he's always turning the lights on, you know what I'm saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he's like, 'Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.' I was like, 'Oh my god, you're so cute. You think I don't want you to see me?' — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1583882

I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1587155

To me, feminism means equality between men and women. I want to make people laugh and also point out some injustices or inequalities I see. — Amy Schumer

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Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1658194

I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1462164

My mom is very good at being passive-aggressive, and my Dad is a total wiseass, so I think the mixture of the two of them is my comedy. But, I am definitely the first comedian in my family. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1453986

I think you can go from being not very funny to working really hard for 10 years and figuring out how to make a living on the road, but I don't think you can rise much above that. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1450025

It's hard out there for a fuzzy little introvert. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1903937

I'm of the belief that in most industries, women have to work twice as hard to get half the credit. After putting in so much effort to make a good movie, it felt pretty demeaning when they called it a "female comedy." This meaningless label painted me into a corner and forced me to speak for all females, because I am the actual FEMALE who wrote the FEMALE comedy and then starred as the lead FEMALE in that FEMALE comedy. They don't ask Seth Rogen to be ALL MEN! They don't make "men's comedies." They don't ask Ben Stiller, "Hey, Ben, what was your message for all male-kind when you pretended to have diarrhea and chased that ferret in Along Came Polly? — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1991071

I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea
he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 2251249

My sister tested my IQ when she was getting her master's degree in school psychology and I tested as a genius in half the categories and nearly cognitively impaired in the other half. — Amy Schumer

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I wear my mistakes like badges of honor, and I celebrate them. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 2205892

You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 2178501

I'm mad because girls as young as eight years old are being shamed about their bodies. Fifth graders go on diets and admire Instagram pics of celebs in waist trainers. Some of the people I'm closest to have struggled with eating disorders. I'm mad at an industry that suggests that painfully thin is the only acceptable way to be. Please don't get on me for skinny shaming. If that's how you are shaped, God bless, but we gotta mix it up, because it's upsetting and confusing to women with other body types. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 2176760

Some street jokes are just timeless. There's an old street joke about comedians. The joke is that a beautiful girl comes up to a comedian at the end of the night and says, "I saw your show tonight, and I just loved it. I want to go home with you, and I'll do anything you want." And the comedian says, "Were you at the 7 or the 9?" That's just a perfect joke, because it points out how egomaniacal and obsessive comedians are. Even though I'm not waiting for a groupie, I can completely understand it. It just defines how comedians are driven. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 2146914

You know that show 'Teen Mom'? Or if you're from the South, 'Mom. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 2131744

Just because my job requires me to make fun of myself into a microphone and wear my heart on my sleeve for hire dosn't mean I can't be an introvert as well. Believe it or not, I do have a complex inner life just like you, and I enjoy being alone. I need it. And I've never been happier than I was when I finally figured this out about myself. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 2115898

Stand-up is not something that you're good at right away. You have to do it a ton. But, I think I got to shave a year off because I didn't have to get over stage fright. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 2097397

The saddest revelation I've had in my life is that my parents are people. Sad, human people. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1704972

The truth is, whoever I've dated, if I've ever wanted to talk about them on stage, I've asked them first. And I've gotten their permission to tell a story or talk about them before I do it. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1982757

It was the best night of my life, getting to dance on stage with Madonna! — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1973040

I want to keep working really hard at getting better at stand-up and touring, and I can't imagine a time when I won't want to do that. But, who knows? — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1953578

I completely identify as female, believe it or not. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1947815

tactics for negotiating with adults. I came on pretty strong at my friends' houses because — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1241498

I feel like you know what you're going to be good at when you're older based on what you like when you're younger. When I was younger my best friend was Tony, this kid Tony, and he loved rocks. He was always playing with rocks, counting them, and now he's a crack head. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1894933

I asked for a glass of Chardonnay. And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn't have any. They offered me Pinot. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1865473

I'm not bulletproof, and I'm sure I'm not alone in this. As women, we relive our fears all the time, despite our best efforts to build each other up and truly love ourselves. It happens. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1845406

I'm not sure I'd classify any topics as off-limits, but I don't look for new territories to offend. There's my joke about when my roommate beat cancer. People talk about cancer survivors like they're warriors, but from where I was sitting, she was just watching television and eating soup. Like, did she go to war? No. She kind of just sat around. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1709493

RIDER FOR THE FUNERAL OF AMY SCHUMER: . . . The actual body of AMY SCHUMER should be propped up on a chair in the northwest corner of the room, wearing aviator sunglasses and her trusted snow hat that reads, 'No Coffee, No Workee," a motto in life that she will continue to stand by in the afterlife. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 469727

I've got a terrible person in me just as much as anybody else, and I think - I like to think I also have a really good person in me. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 734187

The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 708941

I am not special just because I'm famous right now. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 689830

My mom's always saying really smart things ... like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 651082

I am a woman with thoughts and questions and shit to say. I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will. I will speak and share and fuck and love, and I will never apologize to the frightened millions who resent that they never had it in them to do it. I stand here and I am amazing, for you. Not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. (2014 Gloria Awards and Gala) — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 596922

I always did plays, I got the comedic roles in college ... or, uh, the ones that would get naked. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 584407

Women are always expected to be the gracious hostess, quick with an anecdote and a sprinkling of laughter at others' stories. We are always the ones who have to smooth over all the awkward moments in life with soul-crushing pleasantries. We are basically unpaid geishas. But when we do not fulfill this expectation ( because we are introverted ) people asume we must be either depressed or a cunt". — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 578625

The girls that I grew up with, and my friends and I, we just never had interests in common. I loved comedy. I loved Saturday Night Live, Gilda Radner, Lucille Ball, and Goldie Hawn movies. I just wanted to laugh. I liked women in comedy, and I liked male comics as I got a little older. My interests just never matched up with other girls'. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 572120

She made my favorite breakfast and recruited me to be the cheerleader of her mistake. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 546143

Everyone is allowed to have their own boundaries. You just are. No matter how you dress, no matter what you say or anything, and I feel strongly about that. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 534160

I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.' — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 735404

I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 432718

... and left decimated. Not for myself, but for all the single women out there trying to date. I wanted to run to the top of the Empire State Building and make an announcement to all of them to let them know they are worth so much more than this. That they don't need to wrangle some warm body to sit next to them just so they aren't alone on holidays. That they should never let a magazine or dating site or matchmaker monster tell them they're in a lower bracket of desirability because of their age or weight or face or sense of humor. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 419679

I'm still proud of a lot of my jokes when I started. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 386160

My hustle has often involved food, because, much like household pets or toddlers, I am food-motivated, which is a handy thing to know about me. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 383761

My background is in theater. I was a theater major in college. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 311612

It's relaxing sometimes, just being human. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 252123

He rose grumpily, fell to the floor, and crawled. I looked at his exposed butt crack, a dark unkempt abyss that I was falling into. I was short of breath. I felt paralyzed. His asshole was a canyon. This was my 127 hours. I needed to chip away at the rock and get out. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 169445

We all accept too easily that life has to be hard and forget to make sure we have the most fun we can. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 162705

I only wear heels when it's 100-percent required, and even sometimes not then. I have to talk myself into a bra. I've done an hour of standup where I've been like, "I don't have to wear a bra tonight." If you're going to be on camera, you have to get it together, but other than that, I am pretty lazy as a woman. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 144385

Being an introvert doesn't mean you're shy. It means you enjoy being alone. Not just enjoy it - you need it. If you're a true introvert, other people are basically energy vampires. You don't hate them; you just have to be strategic about when you expose yourself to them - like the sun. They give you life, sure, but they can also burn you and — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1050568

Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one? — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1355265

Isn't it funny that they say most girls have daddy issues, when really, every dude does? — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1345822

Looking back now, I'm horrified that she let me play that role. To allow your thirteen-year-old to be your support system while you are simultaneously ripping her world apart is not a kind thing to do. I — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1326043

Enough. Enough with these wafish elves walking your impossible clothing down an ugly runway with ugly lighting and noisy music. Life doesn't look like that runway. Let's see some ass up there and not just during the specially themed plus size show. We girls over size 6, 8, 10, 12, 14, 16, we don't want a special day! We want every day and we want you to get out of our fucking way because we are already here. You are living in the past, all you dated, strange magazines representing the weird fashion world that presents bizarre clothing that no one I have ever met wears. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1295813

So if you're an introvert like me, especially a female introvert, or a person who is expected to give away your energy to everyone else on the reg, I want to encourage you to find time to be alone. Don't be afraid to excuse yourself. Recharge for as long as you need. Lean up against a tree and take a break from the other bears. I'll be there too, but I promise not to bother you. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1288165

People often romanticize children or adults with special needs, as if they are innocent-yet-wise creatures who can humble us all into becoming better humans. First of all, nobody can be innocent and wise at the same time. That's another one of those impossible combinations. It's as unachievable and improbable as Brenda. Or Carli. And secondly, I'm not suggesting the ladies of Camp Anchor were either one of those things in particular. But they owned their own flaws, and I am grateful I got to meet them when I was only fourteen. I left camp knowing a bunch of women who weren't afraid to claim the guy they wanted to dance with; they didn't change a thing for the men they loved. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1264551

The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 136399

Focus on your own goals and how to achieve them. No one took your spot, there's room for all of us. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1214663

I'll never forget the day I realized I wasn't quite the Ford model I thought I was. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1198519

I understand what I'm saying here. Feeling this way is a theme in every girl's life, I think, and at that age, you think there's some other version of yourself that is waiting to come out and blow everyone's dick off. I am so glad this is almost fifteen years ago and I know myself and my body now. Sorry, girls this age, but if you can, just skip the self-hatred and the striving to be some other type of girl. Just let that phase pass you by and love yourself how you are. Don't waste any energy on it. If you want to lose a little weight, fine. Make sure you are healthy, but fuck, skip all the rest. You are hot and the person who will love you won't notice ten pounds. I really promise. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1182882

What's wrong with being alone anyway? Being alone is sometimes a great place to be, but people are always trying to correct this "problem" for you, even if you yourself don't have any kind of problem with it. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1379972

You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1028517

I hope that the next time you go to a concert, the band doesn't play the song you wanna hear! And instead, they just play songs off their new album! — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 1021573

Very neat for a boy; always cleaned up his mess, no matter where he got it on me. He's Hispanic, so he's like, 'Now who's the wetback?' I'm like, 'Hey, still you. Get back in the kitchen, those dishes aren't going to do themselves. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 950703

I think of myself as a fairly attractive girl and always have, thanks to my mom. I was brought into this world thinking I was gorgeous because my mother was extremely devoted to this notion. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 892753

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?' — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 885107

I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 827808

I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 745877

I'm glad I struggled. I think I'd be an asshole if my money were anything other than the "new" kind. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 739585

My mom made me think I was gorgeous. When I was younger she was like, 'Look at you! You're an angel. You sparkle!' And I was like, 'I do!' You believe your parents. — Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer Quotes 739493

We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear. — Amy Schumer