Albert Ellis Quotes & Sayings

I regret that I've been so busy with clinical work that I haven't been able to spend much time on experiments and outcome studies. — Albert Ellis

There's no evidence whatsoever that men are more rational than women. Both sexes seem to be equally irrational. — Albert Ellis

Lack of forgiveness of others breeds lack of self-forgiveness. — Albert Ellis

If people stopped looking on their emotions as ethereal, almost inhuman processes, and realistically viewed them as being largely composed of perceptions, thoughts, evaluations, and internalized sentences, they would find it quite possible to work calmly and concertedly at changing them. — Albert Ellis

Eating is always a decision, nobody forces your hand to pick up food and put it into your mouth. — Albert Ellis

Whenever you avoid alarming situations, you almost always increase your anxiety about them. — Albert Ellis

Freud had a gene for inefficiency, and I think I have a gene for efficiency. — Albert Ellis

People don't just get upset. They contribute to their upsetness. — Albert Ellis

If human emotions largely result from thinking, then one may appreciably control one's feelings by controlling one's thoughts - or by changing the internalized sentences, or self-talk, with which one largely created the feeling in the first place. — Albert Ellis

Religious creeds encourage some of the craziest kinds of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors and favor severe manifestations of neurosis, borderline personality states, and sometimes even psychosis. — Albert Ellis

Failure doesn't have anything to do with your intrinsic value as a person. — Albert Ellis

The goal of all life is to have a ball. — Albert Ellis

Unless, of course, you insist on identifying yourself with the people and things you love; and thereby seriously disturb yourself. — Albert Ellis

I thought foolishly that Freudian psychoanalysis was deeper and more intensive than other, more directive forms of therapy, so I was trained in it and practiced it. — Albert Ellis

We can actually put the essence of neurosis in a single word: blaming - or damning. — Albert Ellis

Spirit and soul is horseshit of the worst sort. Obviously there are no fairies, no Santa Clauses, no spirits. What there is, is human goals and purposes as noted by sane existentialists. But a lot of transcendentalists are utter screwballs. — Albert Ellis

Worry itself is one of the most painful conditions. — Albert Ellis

So I'd better stop my whining and help myself cope better with even the worst Adversities. — Albert Ellis

In the old days we used to get more referrals, because people had insurance that paid for therapy. Now they belong to HMOs, and we can only be affiliated with a few HMOs. — Albert Ellis

Annabel, one of my clients who cherished her perfectionism because she felt that it made her a fine writer and an excellent mother, was having a hard time with some of David Burns's teachings against perfectionism in his book, Feeling Good. Dr. Burns, she thought, told her to give up all ideal goals and stick only to realistic and average ones. Then she couldn't be disappointed or depressed. — Albert Ellis

You create severe anxiety when you jump from inclination to musturbation. — Albert Ellis

The easy way out is often just that-the 'easy' way out of the most rewarding lifestyle. — Albert Ellis

You never truly need what you want. That is the main and thoroughgoing key to serenity. — Albert Ellis

There are three musts that hold us back: I must do well. You must treat me well . And the world must be easy. — Albert Ellis

insight will help you very little. — Albert Ellis

Whenever you have strong negative feelings because unfortunate things are actually happening to you or you imagine that they might occur, see whether these feelings healthfully follow from your wishes and desires to have better things occur. Or are you creating them by going beyond your preferences and inventing powerful shoulds, oughts, musts, demands, commands, and necessities? If so, you are turning concern and caution into overconcern, severe anxiety, and panic. Observe the real difference in your feelings! — Albert Ellis

I get people to truly accept themselves unconditionally, whether or not their therapist or anyone loves them. — Albert Ellis

Strong feelings are fine; it's the overreactions that mess us up. — Albert Ellis

Whatever may be, I am still largely the creator and ruler of my emotional destiny. — Albert Ellis

If something is irrational, that means it won't work. It's usually unrealistic. — Albert Ellis

People have motives and thoughts of which they are unaware. — Albert Ellis

Worrying about dying will hardly help you live. — Albert Ellis

For many years now I have had the quaint idea that all humans-yes, the whole six billion of them on this planet-are out of their fucking minds. — Albert Ellis

Evolution is arranged so that a species survives, not so that it will be happy while it survives. — Albert Ellis

Most people would have given up when faced with all the criticism I've received over the years. — Albert Ellis

The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny. — Albert Ellis

I hope to die in the saddle seat. — Albert Ellis

Even when people act nastily to you, don't condemn them or retaliate. — Albert Ellis

By not caring too much about what people think, I'm able to think for myself and propagate ideas which are very often unpopular. And I succeed. — Albert Ellis

Let's suppose somebody abused you sexually. You still had a choice, though not a good one, about what to tell yourself about the abuse. — Albert Ellis

The concept of deservingness for one's "sins" implies that certain acts are unquestionably under all conditions "sinful." And this is impossible to prove. — Albert Ellis

The emotionally sound person should be able to take risks, to ask himself what he really would like to do in life, and then to try to do this, even though he has to risk defeat or failure. He should be adventurous (though not necessarily foolhardy); be willing to try almost anything once, just to see how he likes it; and look forward to some breaks in his usual life routines. — Albert Ellis

To err is human; to forgive people and yourself for poor behavior is to be sensible and realistic. — Albert Ellis

We teach people that they upset themselves. We can't change the past, so we change how people are thinking, feeling and behaving today. — Albert Ellis

In fact most of what we call anxiety is overconcern about what someone thinks of you. — Albert Ellis

Is self-esteem a sickness? That's according to the way you define it. In the usual way it is defined by people and by psychologists, I'd say that it is probably the greatest emotional disturbance known to man and woman. — Albert Ellis

I had used eclectic therapy and behavior therapy on myself at the age of 19 to get over my fear of public speaking and of approaching young women in public. — Albert Ellis

The great majority of the things we now make ourselves panicked about are self-created 'dangers' that exist almost entirely in our own imaginations. — Albert Ellis

People and things do not upset us. Rather, we upset ourselves by believing that they can upset us. — Albert Ellis

Attempts to help humans eliminate all self-ratings and views self-esteem as a self-defeating concept that encourages them to make conditional evaluations of self. Instead, it teaches people unconditional self-acceptance. — Albert Ellis

The more sinful and guilty a person tends to feel, the less chance there is that he will be a happy, healthy, or law-abiding citizen. He will become a compulsive wrong-doer. — Albert Ellis

To help people achieve the three basic REBT philosophies of unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance, cognitive, emotional, and behavioral methods, which are described in this monograph, are used. — Albert Ellis

The emotionally mature individual should completely accept the fact that we live in a world of probability and chance, where there are not, nor probably ever will be, any absolute certainties, and should realize that it is not at all horrible, indeed - such a probabilistic, uncertain world. — Albert Ellis

You can figure out by sheer logic that if you were only - and I mean only - to stay with your desires and preferences, and if you were never - and I mean never - to stray into unrealistic demands that your desires have to be fulfilled, you could very rarely disturb, really disturb, yourself about anything. Why? Because your preferences start off with, "I would very much like or prefer to have success, approval, or comfort," and then end with the conclusion, "But I don't have to have it. I won't die without it. And I could be happy (though not as happy) without it. — Albert Ellis

I think it's unfair, but they have the right as fallible, screwed-up humans to be unfair; that's the human condition. — Albert Ellis

Men are not disturbed by things, but by the views which they take of them — Albert Ellis

This belief realistic? Is it opposed to the facts of life? Is this belief logical? Is it contradictory to itself or to my other beliefs? Can I prove this belief? Can I falsify it? Does this belief prove that the universe has a law of deservingness or undeservingness? If I act well, do I completely deserve a good life, and if I act badly, do I totally deserve a bad existence? If I continue to strongly hold the belief (and to have the feelings and do the acts it often creates), will I perform well, get the results I want to get, and lead a happier life? Or will holding it tend to make me less happy? — Albert Ellis

Reality is not so much what happens to us; rather, it is how we think about those events that create the reality we experience. In a very real sense, this means that we each create the reality in which we live. — Albert Ellis

Having some support and the reassurance that my family, friends, or others will help me when I am anxious will often reduce my anxiety and panic. But because such support and reassurance may not exist or may not continue, I'd better not rely on it solely. I also had better gain self-confidence and self-support. 8. — Albert Ellis

Most things worth having require some sacrifice, usually more than you expect. — Albert Ellis

You largely constructed your depression. It wasn't given to you. Therefore, you can deconstruct it. — Albert Ellis

You and many outstanding inventors and writers have striven for the ideal and have thereby helped yourself do remarkably well. REBT, therefore, does not oppose competition or striving for outstanding achievement. It advocates task-perfection, not self-perfection." "What does that mean?" "It means that you can try to be as good, or even as perfect, as you can - at any project or task. You can try to make it ideal. But you are not a good person if it is perfect. You are still a person who completed a perfect project, but never a good person for doing so." "How, then, do I become an incompetent or bad person?" "You don't! When you do incompetent or evil acts, you become a person who acted badly - never a bad person. — Albert Ellis

Much of what we call emotion is nothing more or less than a certain kind - a biased, prejudiced, or strongly evaluative kind - of thought. — Albert Ellis

Science, as I pointed out in the previous chapter, is flexible and nondogmatic. It sticks to facts and to reality (which always can change) and to logical thinking (which does not contradict itself and hold two opposite views at the same time). But it also avoids rigid all-or-none and either/or thinking and sees that reality is often two sided and includes contradictory events and characteristics. Thus, in my relations with you, I am not a totally good person or a bad person but a person who sometimes treats you well and sometimes treats you badly. Instead of viewing world events in a rigid, absolute way, science assumes that such events, and especially human affairs, usually follow the laws of probability. — Albert Ellis

Many psychoanalysts refused to let me speak at their meetings. They were exceptionally vigorous because I had previously been an analyst and they were very angry at my flying the coop. — Albert Ellis

Thinking rationally is often different from "positive thinking," in that it is a realistic assessment of the situation, with a view towards rectifying the problem if possible. — Albert Ellis

You have only to exist as you do and to live your life as best you can. — Albert Ellis

People are terrified of other people or difficult projects because they tell themselves that they could fail or be rejected. Failure can lead to sorrow, regret, frustration and annoyance-all healthy feelings without which people couldn't exist. — Albert Ellis

For that again, is what all manner of religion essentially is: childish dependency. — Albert Ellis

Science is skeptical that the universe includes "deservingness" and "undeservingness" and that it deifies people (and things) for their "good" acts or damns them for their "bad" behavior. It does not have any absolute, universal standard of "good" and "bad" behavior and assumes that if any group sees certain deeds as "good" it will tend to (but doesn't have to) reward those who act that way and will often (but not always) penalize those who act "badly. — Albert Ellis

As a result of my philosophy, I wasn't even upset about Hitler. I was willing to go to war to knock him off, but I didn't hate him. I hated what he was doing. — Albert Ellis

What luck! If the theories of Epictetus, Karen Horney (who first talked about the "tyranny of the shoulds"), Alfred Korzybski (the founder of general semantics), and REBT are correct, you almost always bring on your emotional problems by rigidly adopting one of the basic methods of crooked thinking - musturbation. Therefore, if you understand how you upset yourself by slipping into irrational shoulds, oughts, demands, and commands, unconsciously sneaking them into your thinking, you can just about always stop disturbing yourself about anything. — Albert Ellis

And just as two wrongs don't make a right, rage against offenders is probably the worst way to try to correct them. — Albert Ellis

I'm very happy. I like my work and the various aspects of it - going around the world, teaching the gospel according to St. Albert. — Albert Ellis

Even injustice has it's good points. It gives me the challenge of being as happy as I can in an unfair world. — Albert Ellis

Keep my desires and goals in mind. Don't insist that they must or must not be fulfilled. Let me work unfrantically to achieve them. REBT — Albert Ellis

I would have liked having children to some degree, but frankly I haven't got the time to take the kids to the goddamn ballgame. — Albert Ellis

I think the future of psychotherapy and psychology is in the school system. We need to teach every child how to rarely seriously disturb himself or herself and how to overcome disturbance when it occurs. — Albert Ellis

Neurosis is just a high-class word for whining. — Albert Ellis

I had a great many sex and love cases where people were absolutely devastated when somebody with whom they were compulsively in love didn't love them back. They were killing themselves with anxiety and depression. — Albert Ellis

The trouble with most therapy is that it helps you feel better. But you don't get better. You have to back it up with action, action, action. — Albert Ellis

People got insights into what was bothering them, but they hardly did a damn thing to change. — Albert Ellis

Rational beliefs bring us closer to getting good results in the real world. — Albert Ellis

By honestly acknowledging your past errors, but never damning yourself for them, you can learn to use your past for your own future benefit. — Albert Ellis

Stop shoulding on yourself — Albert Ellis

The art of love ... is largely the art of persistence. — Albert Ellis

Whining about your own, others', or the world's failings is a main element in what we usually call neurosis. — Albert Ellis

If the Martians ever find out how human beings think, they'll kill themselves laughing. — Albert Ellis

I wrote several articles criticizing psychoanalysis, but the analysts weren't listening to my objections. So I finally quit after practicing it for six years. — Albert Ellis

Assume that most times when you feel anxious, depressed, or angry you are not only strongly desiring but also commanding that something go well and that you get what you want. Cherchez le should, cherchez le must! Look for your should, look for your must! Don't give up until you find it. If you have trouble finding it, seek the help of a friend, relative, or REBT therapist who will help you find it. Persist! — Albert Ellis

Needing leads to bleeding - to almost all inevitable suffering. — Albert Ellis

The individual is taught that there is nothing that he as a total person is to feel ashamed of or self-hating for. — Albert Ellis

You mainly feel the way you think. — Albert Ellis

The goal ... is not to change your desires and wishes but to persuade you to stop demanding that you absolutely must have what you wish-from yourself, from others, and from the world. You can by all means keep your wishes, preferences, and desires, but unless you prefer to remain needlessly anxious, not your grandiose demands. — Albert Ellis

The attitude of unconditional self-acceptance is probably the most important variable in their long-term recovery. — Albert Ellis

Life is indeed difficult, partly because of the real difficulties we must overcome in order to survive, and partly because of our own innate desire to always do better, to overcome new challenges, to self-actualize. Happiness is experienced largely in striving towards a goal, not in having attained things, because our nature is always to want to go on to the next endeavor. — Albert Ellis

REBT, then, helps you not only to understand what you "are" but to change what you harmfully think, feel, and do. It accepts your desires, wishes, preferences, goals, and values, then tries to help you achieve them. But REBT shows you how to separate your preferences from your insistences - and thus keep from sabotaging your own goals. It gives you insight into what you are now doing rather than into what you (and your damned parents!) have done. — Albert Ellis

People could rationally decide that prolonged relationships take up too much time and effort and that they'd much rather do other kinds of things. But most people are afraid of rejection. — Albert Ellis

Acceptance is not love. You love a person because he or she has lovable traits, but you accept everybody just because they're alive and human. — Albert Ellis

If you prefer to perform well and want to be accepted by others, you are concerned that you will fail and be rejected. Your healthy concern encourages you to act competently and nicely. But if you devoutly believe that you absolutely, under all conditions, must perform well and that you have to be accepted by others, you will then tend to make yourself - yes, make yourself - panicked if you don't perform as well as you supposedly must. — Albert Ellis