Alan Partridge Quotes & Sayings

Like the name of a cartoon Belgian detective said in a Scottish accent, it's 10:10.'11 It — Alan Partridge

A friend of mine once said he like his women like his parmesan: strong smelling and shaved. I don't agree with that, but I don't like hairy women. — Alan Partridge

my remarkable walked — Alan Partridge

I've told you, there's no point keeping those. They're not tax-deductible,' my dad thundered.
'I think you'll find they are,' raged my mum like some sort of feral animal (a badger with TB perhaps).
'They're not. You only get VAT back on lunches outside of a 50-mile radius from your place of residence. You effing bitch,' he seemed to add, with his eyes, I imagined. — Alan Partridge

If I was feeling like a challenge, I'd kick out the plug, turn the taps on and see if I could maintain the exact water level. It was a bit like balancing the clutch in an old Mini Metro. Although tricky at first, by the time I checked out I could find the bath's biting point within three minutes. Satisfying? Just bit. — Alan Partridge

He is also a keen cook, gardener and birder. He has no middle fingers on one hand, so he can't swear but is permanently doing the heavy metal sign. — Alan Partridge

Sport, on the other hand, is straightforward. In badminton, if you win a rally, you get one point. In volleyball, if you win a rally, you get one point. In tennis, if you win a rally, you get 15 points for the first or second rallies you've won in that game, or 10 for the third, with an indeterminate amount assigned to the fourth rally other than the knowledge that the game is won, providing one player is two 10-point (or 15-point) segments clear of his opponent. It's clear and simple. — Alan Partridge

1974 was a crazy, hazy time for Alan Partridge. The Sixties had come to East Anglia and it was a time of free thinking, free love and in my case free university accommodation. — Alan Partridge

The human brain comprises 70% water, which means it's a similar consistency to tofu. Picture that for a second - a blob of tofu the size and shape of a brain. Now imagine taking that piece of tofu, and forcing your thumbs into it hard. It would burst wouldn't it?
Okay, now imagine those thumbs weren't thumbs but thumb-shaped pieces of bad news. And there weren't two of them, they were about half a dozen. Imagine you were forcing all six pieces of bad news - a divorce, multiple career snubs, accusations from the family of a dead celebrity, estranged kids, borderline homelessness, that kind of thing - into a piece of tofu.
With me? Good. Now imagine it's not tofu, but a human brain. And they're not pieces of bad news but six human thumbs. That's what happened to me. In 2001, my brain had half a dozen thumbs pushed into it. — Alan Partridge

For three long days, I felt the cold hand of death on my shoulder. Lost in the depths of despair I tried to figure out what I had done to deserve this. I wasn't an evil person. The worst thing I'd ever done was kick a pig - School trip to Heston Farm, 1964, I maintain it was self-defence. — Alan Partridge

Meanwhile, for those of you on crowded public transport who chose not to say the words aloud, you'll feel no different, and that's your own fault because, as I say, you lack class and are assholes. — Alan Partridge

I woke with a start, at first I thought I had trumped myself awake again - it was summer so there was lots of fresh vegetables in our diet. But as I listened through the darkness I realized that something far worse was going on. My mother and father were having the row to end all rows. A sudden shot of fear ripped through my pre-pubic body. And now I did trump. The noise fizzled out of my back passage like a child calling for help. That child was me. — Alan Partridge

Like a good-looking John Merrick, mine was a face that looked really shit. — Alan Partridge

Well suited to those with large shoulders and feet like spades, swimming enjoyed a boost in popularity in Victorian times when, due to advancements in water husbandry, we were able to domesticate H2O, trapping large amounts of it in four-sided pits or 'pools'. I — Alan Partridge

I woke with a start. At first I assumed I'd trumped myself awake again . — Alan Partridge

Snowflakes fell from the sky like tiny pieces of a snowman who had stood on a landmine. — Alan Partridge

Her yelling continues until I answer the door to find her on her knees shouting through the letterbox, like a gynaecologist bellowing into a woman. — Alan Partridge

Hello, Alan." said Carol's dad Keith.
"Hello, Alan." said Carol's mum, Stella, not bothering to think of a greeting of her own. — Alan Partridge

Surveillance isn't easy, though. You'll need warm clothes, a camera with telephoto lens, two Thermos flasks (one for tea, t'other for wee) and for God's sake remember your sandwiches. — Alan Partridge

Putting a damp spoon back in the bowl is the tea-drinking equivalent of sharing a needle. And I did not want to end up with the tea-drinking equivalent of AIDS. — Alan Partridge

The father, Trevor, was an asthmatic, but what he lacked in being able to breath quietly, he more than made up for with parental skills. — Alan Partridge

Tears streamed down my face. I was so happy I wanted to shout it from the rooftop. But at the same time I knew that that afternoon's downpour would have made the slate tiles so slippery that achieving any kind of purchase would have been impossible. — Alan Partridge

Sadly, I can't say the same for my Father, who is probably in a different place - Hell. — Alan Partridge