Adele Faber Quotes & Sayings

The attitude behind your words is as important as the words themselves. — Adele Faber

When we give children advice or instant solutions, we deprive them of the experience that comes from wrestling with their own problems. — Adele Faber

To be loved equally," I continued, "is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely - for one's own special self - is to be loved as much as we need to be loved. — Adele Faber

We found that when we accepted our children's feelings they were more able to accept the limits we set for them. — Adele Faber

a solution that was fair to all. (I said it, but I didn't — Adele Faber

No one cares / who is better / who is worse / who has more / who has less. / Content in our connectedness / we are brothers and sisters / after all. — Adele Faber

Does he feel my request is unreasonable? ("Why does my mother bug me to wash behind my ears? Nobody looks there.") — Adele Faber

by listening with full attention, by acknowledging his feelings with a word, by giving a name to his feelings, and by granting him his wishes in fantasy. — Adele Faber

Comforters for our todays / Guardians of memories / Keeping our youth and yesterdays alive / Comrades with one history. — Adele Faber

Does my request make sense in terms of my child's age and ability? (Am I expecting an eight-year-old to have perfect table manners?) — Adele Faber

Give information. What we like about giving information is that, in a sense, you're giving the child a gift he can use forever. For the rest of his life he'll need to know that "milk turns sour when it's not refrigerated, — Adele Faber

Sometimes just having someone understand how much you want something makes reality easier to bear. So — Adele Faber

Compassion is always appreciated, whether it comes sooner or later. — Adele Faber

The challenge for us is to find some response that actually inspires change rather than clinging to the old ways that cause resentment, and more importantly, distract from the real problem. — Adele Faber

Can I give her a choice about when to do something, rather than insisting upon "right now." ("Do you want to take your bath before your TV show or right after?") — Adele Faber

Refrain from giving the child information she already knows. — Adele Faber

One of the benefits the authors point out of discussing logical consequences with children rather than handing out arbitrary punishments is that the practice gives THEM the language to discuss One of the benefits the authors point out of discussing logical consequences with children rather than handing out arbitrary punishments is that the practice gives THEM the language to discuss seting boundaries and making decisions, even in conflicts with their friends. — Adele Faber

One father said that what helped him become more sensitive to his son's emotional needs was when he began to equate the boy's bruised, unhappy feelings with physical bruises. — Adele Faber

the question "Why?" only adds to their problem. In addition to their original distress, they must now analyze the cause and come up with a reasonable explanation. — Adele Faber

INSTEAD OF DISMISSING NEGATIVE FEELINGS ABOUT A SIBLING, ACKNOWLEDGE THE FEELINGS. — Adele Faber

The mere existence of an additional child or children in the family could signify Less. Less time alone with parents. Less attention for hurts and disappointments. Less approval for accomplishments ... No wonder children struggle so fiercely to be first or best. No wonder they mobilize all their energy to have more or most. Or better still, all. — Adele Faber

When we acknowledge a child's feelings, we do him a great service. We put him in touch with his inner reality. And once he's clear about that reality, he gathers the strength to begin to cope. — Adele Faber

Let us be different in our homes. Let us realize that along with food, shelter, and clothing, we have another obligation to our children, and that is to affirm their "rightness." The whole world will tell them what's wrong with them
out loud and often. Our job is to let our children know what's right about them. — Adele Faber

Take two kids in competition for their parents' love and attention. Add to that the envy that one child feels for the accomplishments of the other; the resentment that each child feels for the privileges of the other; the personal frustrations that they don't dare let out on anyone else but a brother or sister, and it's not hard to understand why in families across the land, the sibling relationship contains enough emotional dynamite to set off rounds of daily explosions. — Adele Faber

Deep inside you know / when trouble comes / and there's no one else to turn to / you can call on each other / and count on each other ... / because each other / is all you have. — Adele Faber

I was a wonderful parent before I had children. I was an expert on why everyone else was having problems with theirs. Then I had three of my own. — Adele Faber

Every time a parent says to himself, "I wish I hadn't said that. Why didn't I think to say . . . ," he automatically gets another chance. Life with children is open-ended. — Adele Faber

this approach was permissive only in the sense that all feelings were permitted. For example, "I can see that you're having fun making designs in the butter with your fork." But that doesn't mean that you have to permit a child to behave in a way that's unacceptable to you. As you remove the butter, you can also let the young "artist" know that "Butter is not for playing with. If you want to make designs, you can use your clay. — Adele Faber

Imagine," I thought, "a world in which brothers and sisters grow up in homes where hurting isn't allowed; where children are taught to express their anger at each other sanely and safely; where each child is valued as an individual, not in relation to the others; where cooperation, rather than competition is the norm; where no one is trapped in a role; where children have daily experience and guidance in resolving their differences. — Adele Faber

We too worried about being permissive. But gradually we began to realize that this approach was permissive only in the sense that all feelings were permitted. — Adele Faber

If someone really listens, acknowledges my emotional pain, and gives me the opportunity to talk more about it, I then "begin to feel less upset. — Adele Faber

Some children can tell you why they're frightened, angry, or unhappy. For many, however, the question "Why?" only adds to their problem. In addition to their original distress, they must now analyze the cause and come up with a reasonable explanation. Very often children don't know why they feel as they do. At other times they're reluctant to tell because they fear that in the adult's eyes their reason won't seem good enough. ("For that you're crying?") It's much more helpful for an unhappy youngster to hear, "I see something is making you sad," rather than to be interrogated with "What happened?" or "Why do you feel that way?" It's easier to talk to a grown-up who accepts what you're feeling rather than one who presses you for explanations. — Adele Faber

Can I offer a choice about how something is done? ("Do you want to take your bath with your doll or your boat?") — Adele Faber

From their struggles to establish dominance over each other, siblings become tougher and more resilient. From their endless rough-housing with each other, they develop speed and agility. From their verbal sparring they learn the difference between being clever and being hurtful. From the normal irritations of living together, they learn how to assert themselves, defend themselves, compromise. And sometimes, from their envy of each other's special abilities they become inspired to work harder, persist and achieve. — Adele Faber

There are youngsters who prefer no talk at all when they're upset. For them, Mom or Dad's presence is comfort enough. — Adele Faber

When children want something they can't have, adults usually respond with logical explanations of why they can't have it. Often, the harder we explain, the harder they protest. — Adele Faber

It's a bittersweet road we parents travel. We start with total commitment to a small, helpless human being. Over the years we worry, plan, comfort, and try to understand. We give our love, our labor, our knowledge, and our experience - so that one day he or she will have the inner strength and confidence to leave us. — Adele Faber