Zombie Humor Quotes & Sayings

Do what you love and the zombies will follow. — Jesse Petersen

Don't forget the little people, even when you want to. — Jesse Petersen

A typical race morning usually starts out looking like a scene from a zombie movie: individuals or pairs of people walking down a deserted street, all headed in the same direction ... Inevitably, regardless of the weather, U2's "Beautiful Day" streams out of loudspeakers. — Sarah Bowen Shea

S'up?" he asks. My voice rattles when I answer. "N-not much. You know, reanimated corpses chasing me on a cruise ship. Same old. — Alison Kemper

Profits are everything; but to get them you have to catch a zombie. — Jesse Petersen

By definition, fifty percent of every large group that let's anyone join is below average. — Jack J. Lee

Snow came back, but she didn't come back right. — Rob E. Boley

Dress for success. Also arm yourself for it. — Jesse Petersen

If I can face a street full of rabid zombies, I can tell a boy I like him. Right? — Alison Kemper

I hate the vamp jobs. They think they're so suave. It's not enough for them to slaughter and eat you like a zombie would. No, they want to be all sexy, too. And trust me: vampires? Not. Sexy. — Kiersten White

I'm glad to know you have a sense of humor." "I'm a vampire, not a zombie." "Good to know. — Chloe Neill

I stared at him. David, that's prison movies, not zombie movie. — Jesse Petersen

Probably the easiest way to explain [the situation] is to simply say that your proteins refuse to bend [to the zombie protein's command].
'My mother was right,' Nora muttered. 'Even my genes are stubborn. — Lia Habel

Don't you love fall?" Stacey asked. "All the little festivals, the changing leaves, kids in Halloween costumes, the dead spewing up out of their graves to haunt the living ... — J.L. Bryan

I suppose I knew on an intellectual level that graves weren't especially made for getting out of. I mean, you start with a hermetically sealed casket and then you dump six feet of dirt on top of it. Over time the earth gets compacted, which can't make it easy to dig through. So even if you're a very angry and determined zombie, you've kind of got your work cut out for you just escaping from the grave.
Which was, I suppose, why we got hit with an initial wave of zombie bugs, birds and rodents. I bet some people would say if you've never picked undead mosquitoes out of your teeth, you've never lived. Under that definition, I'd be just as happy to have not lived, thanks. — C.E. Murphy

Who moves my cheese? ...and my shotgun? — Jesse Petersen

Yes, because in a zombie apocalypse, there's a lot of downtime to get your hair done. — J. Lynn

Hey," I said before he could say anything else that would make the mood even weirder or break it entirely. "You wanna grab some coffee or something someday? I mean, some time when I'm not crawling with maggots," I added with a laugh that sounded nervous to my own ears and probably sounded desperate and pathetic to his. I totally braced myself for him to hem and haw and say that he couldn't or had a girlfriend or something. I was shocked instead when he gave me a nod.
"That sounds nice. And I'm cool with the no maggots thing too. — Diana Rowland

I fared excellent on the zombie apocalypse assessment; however, I did not do so well on the surviving without your love questionnaire. — Amanda Mosher

We need to put your sister in a glass case like Snow White," Colonel Hamilton said, his arms crossed. He was monitoring the radio chatter from the deck of a gunboat. "With a sign on it that says 'Break in the event of a zombie apocalypse.' — John Ringo

All I can do is read about zombie cats - and wait. — Angela Cervantes

Tell me what you want, what you really, really want," he said.
"Braiiinnnnssss," we said in unison. — Maureen Johnson

Good morning!" my partner, Derrel, said in an insanely cheerful voice. "I need my Angel to come out and play. — Diana Rowland

So, you're telling me the zoo commissioned you to make a zombie panda in order to avoid a potential international incident. — Lish McBride

But then again, I was about as far from touchy-feely as you could get. Unless you're fucking me, don't put your hands on me. — Diana Rowland

No. No more surprises. No more secrets. Or so help me, I will rip off your own leg and beat you with it. — Lia Habel

Thank you, Deke. You are very good to me." "I know," he smirks. "Can I get back in your bed now? — Alison Kemper

Hey - let's get something straight. It's a vampire/alien/zombie/warlock hybrid flick. — Julie James

So I told the lady Biology and high school were useless crap, I was going to get a job, and I was never coming back to school.
And I didn't.
Yeah, I sure showed them. — Diana Rowland

I had a dream about you; you were a zombie in a post-apocalyptic world. I was the only human left, you tried to bite me and I said no. We became good friends. — Rodney Jenkins

Plus, I wondered if any of these celebrities were alive; or if Brangelina was now a zombified couple. — Shannon Jaeger

And then, anger gave way to pure and simple job satisfaction. I mean, when I looked at a dead zombie head on a spike, I thought, Hey, I did that. Picasso would have been proud. Especially how I rearranged that eye — Jesse Petersen

When one door closes, a window opens and then zombies pile in and bite you in the ass. — Unknown

Bite first, ask questions later. — John Austin

The world had went to hell, but at least I'd have pretty toenails. — Rose Wynters

That is a zombie ... Holy fucking shit. That's a mother fucking zombie and this shit is real. — Diana Rowland

It's not necrophilia if she still has a pulse... — Scott Jonathan Nixon

If I have multiple personalities will I taste better to a zombie, or is the effort simply wasted?
I've talked it over with myself, and neither of us could agree if that is true or not!!! — Neil Leckman

Women, when they kill themselves, choose far more romantic methods - like slashing their wrists or taking an overdose of sleeping pills.Abandoned princesses and Hollywood actresses have provided numerous examples of this. — Paul Coelho

Zombies are the middle children of the otherworldly family. Vampires are the oldest brother who gets to have a room in the attic, all tripped out with a disco ball and shag carpet. Werewolves are the youngest, the babies, always getting pinched and told they're cute. With all that attention stolen away from the middle child Zombie, no wonder she shuffles off grumbling, Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. — Kevin James Breaux

Be proactive; and ready to run if proactive backfires. — Jesse Petersen

God exists. He has one wicked since of humor, and right now he's having a grand old time punking the planet. — Forrest Carr

Let me make sure I have this straight. The cavalry just now rode into town and it's a Czech Gypsy porn-star zombie killer. Have I got that right? — Richard Kadrey

Partnerships don't last forever. The zombie apocalypse just might. — Jesse Petersen

Should I give the baby mouth to mouth?" George asked.
Simon froze. "No, don't do that. The baby is breathing. The baby's breathing, right?"
They all stood and stared at the little bundle. The baby waved his fist again. If the baby was moving, Simon thought, the baby must be breathing. He was not even going to think about zombie babies at this time.
"Should I get the baby a hot water bottle?" George said.
Simon took a deep breath. "George, don't lose your head," he said. "This baby is not blue because he is cold or because he cannot breathe. Mundane babies are not blue in this way. This baby is blue because he is a warlock, just like Catarina."
"Not just like Ms. Loss," Beatriz said in a high voice. "Ms. Loss is more of a sky blue, whereas this baby is more of a navy blue."
"You seem very knowledgeable," George decided. "You should hold the baby."
"No!" Beatriz squawked. — Cassandra Clare

Well," he said, "I think we've found our way in. We just wait until they're duking it out, but trust me, these Humans First types don't have a lot of staying power or they'd have been at the gym with me before. I doubt Grandma Kent there is going to do a lot of damage." He pointed at a gray-haired, hunched lady in a shawl, carrying what looked liked a gardening tool. "It's like Plants Versus Zombies, and I'm not rooting for the zombies, weirdly enough. — Rachel Caine

Lying on the metal table in front of me was a middle-aged man decked out in absolutely nothing at all. A dead man. Buck-ass naked with his little shriveled junk right there for everyone to see. — Diana Rowland

God-fucking-damn but he was seriously good-looking. "Have you ever had the stuffed pancakes here? They're evil. I highly recommend them."
"Heh. The cop is recommending evil," I said. "Too funny."
To my surprise, Ivanov chuckled. "You've discovered my dark side. — Diana Rowland

Don't we all hope to die with a smile on our faces? — Jeff O'Brien

I killed a couple of people," Scooter said. "Wanna play cards? — Forrest Carr

Don't discuss your relationship problems with friends. Your zombie problems are another story entirely. — Jesse Petersen

I never intended to become a zombie huntress; I had only intended to protest prom, high school's last bastion of patriarchal society. — G.G. Silverman

I'm pre-med," he added smugly.
"Okay." I said again. I didn't shrug this time, but his jaw tightened a bit as if he was annoyed that I wasn't displaying the proper amazement at his accomplishment.
"And I'm next in line to be promoted to death investigator." The look he gave me was nothing short of a challenge, and I had to fight to not roll my eyes. What, he expected me to start crowing about my own accomplishments so he could top them? He'd be waiting a long time for that. — Diana Rowland

It's just like an alcoholic to think he's doing the Zombie Apocalypse wrong. — Michele W. Miller

Hello, my name is Angel, and I'll be your zombie today. — Diana Rowland

Fake it til you make it. Just make it. — Jesse Petersen

Before John could even get through the first verse, who bursts through the door and jumps right into the fray, lips a'kissin' and hips a'wigglin'? That's right, kids, everbody's favorite zombie hunter. Mick Jagger strode right up to John, raised his arms to the sky, and said, 'O zombie Lennon! It ends here. — Alan Goldsher

I see a tongue! Some asshole is licking my peephole. — Mark Tufo

Logically, when Maestro Gott some years ago, after an especially cruel critic had compared him to "a zombie who causes acute depression to innocent radio listeners", decided to stop performing in protest, the situation was considered so grave that the Minister of Culture himself went to console the deeply insulted star. — Terje B. Englund

That old if you 'need anything, let me know,' is a total crock. You hear people say it all the time, but you never see anyone actually call up the person who said it and say, "Hey, remember when you said to let you know if i needed anything? Well, I'm feeling really overwhelmed. Could you please come clean my kitchen, I'd feel like I had a bit of a head start." You will never hear someone say that, because then the person asking the other person to clean their kitchen is seen as a helpless, incompetent dick. -Diana Rowland (My life as a white trash zombie) — Diana Rowland

It reminds me of an old joke: What did the Zombie say to the whore?"
I looked at him blankly. "Um ... what?"
He winked. "Keep the tip. — Diana Rowland

All of a sudden it seemed as if I could smell the brain, and not in a oh-how-gross way, but as if someone had taken the lid off a pot of gumbo to let the aroma fill the room. And I knew it was the brain that smelled so utterly enticing - knew it with every single cell of my being.
What the hell was wrong with me? — Diana Rowland

Do fight unwinnable battles. Sometimes they're worth it. — Jesse Petersen

Three hours ago I was in bed, I thought miserably. I should have stayed there. — Diana Rowland

My Zombie apocalypse plan is simple but effective; I fully intend to die in the very first wave.
Seems more logical than undergoing all kinds of hardships only to die eventually anyway (through bites/malnutrition/or terminally chapped lips) — Graham Parke

Strive for the 4 hour work week. The rest of the time run like hell. — Jesse Petersen

No," I agreed. "The zombie apocalypse is still a few years off, right?"
"That's up to you to decide. Tell you what, we'll do it for fun someday when you're really bored. — Cait Reynolds

Magic is a naughty beast. — Rob E. Boley

I was surprised by the growl that wanted to well up in my throat ... I told myself it was stress, not my illness's way of saying, Get your own take-out. — Lia Habel

The smell was like chocolate and cookies and biscuits and gravy and everything else that was delicious. It damn near drove me crazy every time I had to touch one. I'd been fighting the cravings the way I'd never fought the urge to take drugs or get drunk. — Diana Rowland

I'm sure my unique brain tastes the same as a normal brain. Actually, mine might be slightly tastier. — J. Cornell Michel

Mia,' she whispered. I turned around. 'What?' I whispered back.
She smiled at me a little. 'LEEERRROOOY JEEENNKKIINNNSS!' she shouted, then spun around and ran toward the Z's in the lighting section. — John Green

I grabbed my napkin and managed to pretend to sneeze which had the added effect of covering up most of my face which was surely completely beet red with embarrassment at this point. Yeah, I was classy and suave like that. Jesus Christ, Angel, get a grip! — Diana Rowland

I could not be a zombie. They had no thoughts. Their brains were gruel. They said little beyond "Brrr!" unable, even, to articulate completely what they sought.
"Brains,"I said distinctly. "And I feel no burning urge to partake of any." Forsooth, the idea sent a wave of nausea through me. Therefore I was not a zombie. — Lori Handeland

What are you, Zombie Slayer Barbie?"
The big man in the back barked a laugh. "You'll pay for that one. — Aria Kane

As soon as he was gone I blew my breath out and leaned back against the wall. Awkward. First the cop who'd arrested me, then the paramedic who'd kept me from accidentally killing myself. I didn't even want to think what a third thing might be. — Diana Rowland

I turned on Fox News and jumped when I saw that they had one of those things in their studio. "Are you people crazy?" I screamed at the television. "Get out of there. Somebody shoot it!" Then I realized I was watching Special Report and had mistaken Charles Krauthammer for a zombie. — Ian McClellan

It looked like pieces of bread pudding that had been soaked in raspberry syrup. — Diana Rowland

Yeah, so? I was ignorant, but I'm not a fucking moron. Why would I give the shit to you just so I could buy it back from you later?" I leaned back against the counter. "Hon, you're fucking with the wrong chick. I've been around too many drug dealers to buy into a scheme like that."
He shocked me by bursting out laughing. "Drug dealers? Well, that's an interesting analogy." He shook his head but a sardonic smile stayed on his face. — Diana Rowland

Whoa!" I jerked my hand up to stop him. "Wait, what?" I asked as sick horror shot through me. "You mean, like when the bodies get cut open?"
Delight lit his face. "Yes, you'll be helping with the autopsies. You didn't know that? — Diana Rowland

What about mold," Tom reminded her. "Fuzziness on a girl is never attractive. — Lia Habel

He rose to his feet and padded down the last few steps silently, came up behind Kim, and leaned over her to say, "I vant to drink your blood" in a heavy, fake Dracula accent. She shrieked, flailed, and a zombie ate her brains on-screen."! — Rachel Caine

Still, waking up this early was just wrong. "Why can't people be reasonable and only die after eleven A.M.?" I whined. — Diana Rowland

Don't fear change. Just fear everything and everyone else. — Jesse Petersen

Hey, look, I thought with a miserable laugh, this day just got worse. — Diana Rowland

Strive for more. More zombies, more fighting, more profit. — Jesse Petersen

Look, I know this is the last thing you want to talk about, but I wanted to ask you ... " He trailed off, looking strangely uneasy.
"Ask me ... ?" Ask me to dinner? Ask me out for drinks? Ask me if I wanted to see what he looked like under that uniform? Yow, where'd that last one come from? — Diana Rowland

Expand. Why stick to just killing zombies? Or killing them just one way. — Jesse Petersen

Profits aren't everything. If you can get out with only your ass intact, that's pretty good too. — Jesse Petersen

Have you ever wanted to smash a car? Or break a television? Or maybe burn a big fire in the middle of a city square? If the answer is yes, then you'd have some fun during a zombie infestation. It's the little moments, you know? — Jesse Petersen

You know Dahmer was a cannibal. You think he was a zombie?"
Tom smirked. "I'm no expert, but not all cannibals are zombies. — H.D. Timmons

One day, and it may be long off, but one day there will be bacon again. It might be mouse bacon, but that will do for me. — Frank Tayell

Think win-win. You probably won't get it, but think it. — Jesse Petersen

Zombie Super Powers, Activate! — Diana Rowland

Protect your brand - and your ass. — Jesse Petersen

The question: What color is my parachute?
The answer: blood red, brains gray, sludge black. — Jesse Petersen

Rich dad, poor zombie. — Jesse Petersen

There were a few nighttime pedestrians on the block, but they continued on their way, dutifully ignoring the zombie vomiting blood out of the back of my car. Good old New Yorkers. They really couldn't care less. — Nicholas Kaufmann

Indeed, one concern would be that the initial neoconservative response to a zombie outbreak would be to invade Iraq again out of force of habit. — Daniel W. Drezner

There are probably more of us. If we're all zombies, then
there's got to be more. I say we go up to the cemetery and find out."
"Can we get soda on the way?"
Nothing washes down brains better than a can of Coca Cola and a little shameless product placement. (Hey, the undead do have an image problem.)
"Soda and cemeteries! Soda and cemeteries!" they chanted. "And braaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiins!"
"Hey Bernie, you're getting pretty good at that."
"Okay, you try."
"Braaa - " the zombie belched, " - aiiinsss."
Earl heaved the coroner's body out of the way. They headed off for the cemetery, each trying furiously to perfect their own, unique and personal call for brains like an undead choir, out of tune.
"Braaaaiiiiins!" "Braaiiiiiiiinns!" "Braaaaaaaaaains!" "Bray-uns."
"That was just awful." ...Away into the night. — Daniel Younger