You Turn Me On Funny Quotes & Sayings

And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else. — Dylan Moran

People are funny, and in the most tragic situations, when comedy erupts from nowhere, it can turn on its head within the space of a second or a minute. You're laughing one minute and you're crying the next and that's just life for me, and that is what people are like. — Sally Hawkins

We are racing down Main Street. Arthur is right on the tail of a blck sedan with tinted windows that won't pull over. He slams the horn.
"Arthur," I say.
The car doesn't yield.
"Arthur," I say.
He hits the horn again, still close on the car's bummper.
"Arthur, our turn was back there. — Peter Canning

You know, you can touch a stick of dynamite, but if you touch a venomous snake it'll turn around and bite you and kill you so fast it's not even funny. — Steve Irwin

Marlee has said a million times, "Wouldn't it be funny if there was a camera trained on the two of us?" because we get involved in some very interesting situations. We'll be on a plane and she gets handed a Braille menu because they think she is blind, or producers that turn to the director of a show she's on and say, "Marlee Matlin is great, but is she going to be deaf for the whole show?" She used to freak people out with the speaker phone in her car by having me sign what they were saying on the speaker phone and then she would speak herself. — Jack Jason

I can't watch other people doing comedy. As soon as somebody starts being funny I have to turn off because it upsets me. I get comedy indigestion. I just hate anybody else being funny. That's my job. — Jenny Eclair

Life is funny. I'd applied to the wrong graduate program, but that eventually led me to the right grad program. I'd taken what I thought was the wrong undergraduate major, and that was the thing that set me apart and allowed me to find my niche. I don't know if there are any lessons to take from that except to realize that the things you think are mistakes may turn out not to be mistakes. I realized wherever you are, if you make the most of what you've got, you can find a way to keep moving forward. — Mike Massimino

At the danger of waxing nostalgic about the 'old days,' I don't want to be like everyone else. I want acceptance, but I want acceptance of my difference, not my sameness. It's a funny contract. The cultural machine wants to chew everyone up and turn them into this uniform little substance. — Alison Bechdel

Faith is a funny thing. It's easy to believe while life is rolling merrily along. But in times of trial, it's tempting to turn away from God. Yet that's when we need him the most. — Irene Hannon

She never sat down in a car but stood, braced tense, facing the wind. Now and again she would turn her face toward me with an apologetic expression as though to say: "I have not forgotten that you are here but there are certain pleasures I cannot share with you." Her nose never ceased its sensitive quivering. — Mazo De La Roche

I wasn't the class clown. I wasn't that obvious. There would be a circle of guys, and they're watching the class clown. And I'm standing in the back, and I turn to the guy next to me and I say something funny to him, and he starts to laugh. And the guy next to him says, 'What did he say?' — Bob Newhart

I'm not a fussy eater, but when I'm travelling, I try to stick to the same regime and just have my chicken and my mash and broccoli. Otherwise, you start eating all these funny delicacies, and it makes your tummy turn upside down. — Ella Henderson

I only have three scenes and each is a turn and she gets progressively drunker. It's all terribly funny and its main challenge is that it's so far away from what I usually do. — Louise Jameson

Sex does not enrich or deepen a relationship, it permanently cheapens and destabilises one. Everyone I know who is unfortunate enough to have a sex-mate, joy-partner, bed-friend, love-chum, call them what you will finds that
after a week or two of long blissful afternoons of making the beast with two backs, or the beast with one back and a funny shaped middle or the beast with legs splayed in the air and arms gripping the sides of the mattress
the day dawns when Partner A is keen for more swinking, grinding, and sweating and Partner B would rather turn over and catch up with Jeeves and Bertie. — Stephen Fry

Uh-oh." Brent reached into the console and picked up his two-way radio, pretending to turn it on, then holding it up to his mouth. "This is car two-two-nine requesting backup. We've got an officer down. I repeat, officer down. Dispatch, please alert medical personnel that officer is whipped."

"Please remind me why we're friends."

"Aw, you love me, you dick. — Tessa Bailey

I turn to our father, searching for an ally. "So Dad, is it legal for Bronte to date out of her species?"
Dad looks up from his various layers of pepperoni and breadless cheese. "Date?" he says. Apparently the idea of Bronte dating is like an electromagnet sucking away all other words in the sentence, so that's the only word he hears.
"You're not funny," Bronte says to me.
"No, I'm serious," I tell her. "Isn't he like ... a Sasquatch or something?"
"Date?" says Dad. — Neal Shusterman

Beside me, Philippe and Meg hold hands. He murmurs something that sounds like, "my dear leetle mongoose." I wish he'd turn back into a frog and hop away. — Alex Flinn

What for?" Mildred squints up at him, staring at his hat. "You gonna marry him?"
My jaw drops open and my face burns red. "Uhhh ... " Ian and I haven't talked marriage. Yes, we've discussed him living out here, but that was it. I'm so embarrassed right now it's not even funny. I wish I could turn back time and bring Ian in here on a day that Mildred wasn't going to be around.
Ian walks over and takes a seat in the chair next to Mildred. "Maybe. If I can convince her it's a good idea. — Elle Casey

Only Uncle Pascha ignored her. He was contemplating his chessboard. She doubted that he'd move his piece today. It had been his turn for only six months. Once, he had gone three years between moves. He preferred a leisurely game. — Sarah Beth Durst

Hey, don't knock it. It still runs. Most of the time, even after I turn it off. Jo — Sherrilyn Kenyon

I do feel like guys feel pressure to be funny with me, which is kind of annoying. It's a turn-off if someone's trying hard to be funny because it feels like they're auditioning for a comedy job or something. It doesn't feel romantic to me. I get so much comedy from my life that, from a guy, I'm more looking for something sweet or romantic. — Chelsea Peretti

There's a clock on the wall. Press your hand against the face and turn it very slightly to the. Left. There'll be a click to tell you it's done."
"Sounds easy enough."
"Yes it does," said Sanguine. "Kiss for good luck?"
"Maybe later," said Gracious.
"How about a handshake?" Asked Donegan. — Derek Landy

Critter: I was fairly relieved when Sea took off on her own. She was wearing some two-sizes-too-small T-shirt, practically forcing my eyes to home in on "the girls," and all I could think was I'm going to turn into a pillar of salt. — Lara Deloza

Advice to explorers everywhere: if you would like to recieve due credit for your discoveries, keep a detailed account of your journeys as Columbus did. On Septemeber 28, 1492, after four weeks at sea, he writes: Dear diary ... I means journal. Yes, dear journal. That's what I meant to say. Whew. Anyway, we have yet to discover America, and the crew has become increasingly rebellious. I have decided to turn back if we have not spotted it by Columbus Day. Will write again later if not killed by crew. P.S. Last night's buffet was fabulous, the ice sculptures magnificent. — Cuthbert Soup

I don't know. I think I've seen this movie, and it doesn't turn out so well for me."
I smiled at that, even though she hadn't meant it to be funny. "How much you want to bet? I'm sure you've seen nature shows on alpha males or pack leaders or whatever - the whole flock of sheep thing, right?" I turned my smile extra confident because I know it annoys her when I act cocky. "Aves,Grayson Kennedy is at the top of the Spanish Fork High food chain. I'm the king of the jungle. My friends will like you because I like you. — Kelly Oram

Jose: Do not drop me senor
Jeff:i wont drop you,jose
Jose:then i be jose jalapeno on the floor
Peanut:do a little tap dance and we got salsa!
Jeff:Thats terrible!
Peanut:not with the right chips its not
Jeff:stop it! im sorry jose
jose:its okay
jeff: okay
Jose:ill kick his ass later
peanut:i'll turn ur ass into guacamole
jeff: stop it!
peanut: i will stir u with ur own stick!
jeff:stop it!
peanut: this is the way we stir the guac stir the guac stir the guac. OLE!! — Jeff Dunham

Is there somebody out there? Amy, is that you?" her mother called.
"No. Tell me this isn't happening." Quinn rested his forehead against hers. "Has she got a wiretap on you or something? I swear, she's like a walking hard-on detector."
Amy bit her lip, trying not to laugh. Quinn levered himself up on his arms.
"Mrs. P., if you value your life, you'll go back inside and turn off the light right now. — Sarah Mayberry

Instead of fixing the econamy, U.S. "Presedent" (recount pls) Bary Obame is back in the Ovel Office. Hes sitting on the sofa in the midle of pretty inappropriete gmail G-chat with actres Scarlet Johansen.
"OK Scarlat, thank you for emailing me so many nude photos. They were very provocetive LOL. And thank you for offer me sex intercorse " Obame type, and because its gmail G-chat, the make a 90-degree clock wise turn and anamate into a smile emoji. "Good nite. — Seinfeld 2000

I go to the saltwater and wash off the blood, trying to decide which I hate more, pain or itching. Fed up, I stomp back onto the beach, turn my face upward and snap, "Hey, Haymitch, if you're not too drunk, we could use a little something for our skin."
It's almost funny how quickly the parachute appears above me. I reach up and the tube lands squarely in my open hand.
"About time" I say, but I can't keep the scowl on my face. Haymitch. What I wouldn't give for five minutes of conversation with him. — Suzanne Collins

I miss being a mistress. I enjoyed it. I loved it, in fact. I never felt guilty. I pretended I did. I had to, with my married girlfriends, the ones who live in terror of the pert au pair or the pretty, funny girl in the office who can talk about football and spends half her life in the gym. I had to tell them that of course I felt terrible about it, of course I felt bad for his wife, I never meant for any of this to happen, we fell in love, what could we do? The truth is, I never felt bad for Rachel.... She just wasn't real to me, and anyway, I was enjoying myself too much. Being the other woman is a huge turn-on, there's no point denying it: you're the one he can't help but betray his wife for, even though he loves her. That's just how irresistible you are. — Paula Hawkins

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know, I'm like "Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf." — Mitch Hedberg

You're Shane, right?'
He inched away from her and managed a quick nod as he twisted the rag he held in his fingers.
'Heidi sad you were willing to teach me how to ride.' Her expression shifted from entertained to confused, as if she was wondering why no one had mentioned he was a can or two shy of a six-pack.
'A horse,' he clarified, then wanted to kick himself. What else but a horse? Did he think she was here to learn to ride his mother's elephant?
One corner of Annabelle's perfect, full mouth twitched. 'A horse would be good. You seem to have several.'
He wanted to remind himself that he was usually fine around women. Smooth even. He was intelligent, funny and could, on occasion, be charming. Just not now, with his blood pumping and his brain doing nothing more than shouting "it's her, it's her" over and over again.
Chemistry, he thought grimly. It could turn the smartest man into a drooling idiot. Here he was, proving the theory true. — Susan Mallery

On this Thursday, on this particular walk to school, there was an old frog croaking in the stream behind the hedge as we went by.
'Can you hear him, Danny?'
'Yes,' I said,
'That is a bullfrog calling to his wife. He does it by blowing out his dewlap and letting it go with a burp.'
'What is a dewlap?' I asked.
'It's the loose skin on his throat. He can blow it up just like a balloon.'
'What happens when his wife hears him?'
'She goes hopping over to him. She is very happy to have been invited. But I'll tell you something very funny about the old bullfrog. He often becomes so pleased with the sound of his own voice that his wife has to nudge him several times before he'll stop his burping and turn round to hug her.'
That made me laugh.
'Dont laugh too loud,' he said, twinkling at me with his eyes. 'We men are not so very different from the bullfrog. — Roald Dahl

Gemma Davidson," she answered, her voice as groggy as I felt.
"Where are you?" I asked.
"Who is this?"
"Elvis."
"What time is it?"
"Hammer time?"
"Charley."
"Did you text me? Did your car break down?"
"No and no. Why are you doing this to me?" She was funny.
"Check your cell."
I heard a loud, sleepy sigh, some rustling of sheets, then, "It won't come on."
"Not at all?"
"No. What did you do to it?"
"I ate it for breakfast. Check the battery compartment."
"Where the hell is that?"
"Um, behind the battery door."
"Are you punking me?" I heard her fumbling with the phone.
"Gem, if I was going to punk you, I wouldn't simply turn off your phone. I would pour honey in your hair while you slept. Or, you know, something like that."
"That was you?" she asked, appalled. — Darynda Jones

Good luck with that." I turn to face him. "She's predisposed to hate you. Convinced you'll be my downfall. Says you've got heartbreaker written all over you."
Dace grips the wheel tighter,eyebrows quirked, gaze stricken in a way that makes me feel bad for saying it, but it's only a moment later when he laughs and says, "Funny,that's the same thing Chepi said about you." Addressing my confusion when he adds, "That day at the gas station, when I saw you sitting on the curb,talking on the phone-Chepi caught me looking and warned me right then and there to keep my distance,to not get involved. — Alyson Noel

Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off. — Ralph Wycherley

If you were not cast into the abyss, you would have never groped, reached as far as you could reach, to grasp for anything that you could possibly touch, anything that you could possibly feel brushing against your fingertips! Funny how in the darkness, we come to find the things that we never saw before all the lights departed! It's like someone needed to turn the lights out, to make us find all the things that we never looked for when the lights were on! And it's in that blackness that we wake up to the true light! My friends, curse not the darkness! It has given you many things! — C. JoyBell C.

I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it." — Jim Gaffigan

He sighed. "Why do you think you're a werewolf."
Jo took a deep breath. "I don't feel the cold. I can run very fast. I have acute senses. I heal quickly and for five days around a full moon, I'm desperate for sex and can never get enough." She looked straight at him. "What do you think?"
"Well, I have heard your horrible howl." He shuddered. Jo hit him. "Ouch. Okay, turn round," he said.
"Why?"
"I want to see if you've got a tail."
"Very funny."
Alek smirked. "Yeah, it is. Do you like to stick your head out of the car window when you're going fast? — Barbara Elsborg

If Chess is the switch," Loretta said, "how does he turn the Fog off?"

Bea bit her lower lip. "I don't know - ask Chess."
"How would I know?" I said. "You try being a switch. — Joel N. Ross

"Hail to the Chief" was played, and the President got up and made a gracious opening remark. "I've been in this office for six years, and yet every time I hear that music, I turn around wondering who they're playing it for." — Kirk Douglas

The Equal Rights Amendment would "turn holy wedlock into holy deadlock." — William Rehnquist

You know what's kind of funny? Well, not funny, but ironic, maybe? She's been here nine months now, and it takes nine months to create life. It's like she's been reborn. And the fact that tomorrow you turn eighteen is just another piece of it. It feels like right now is the start of something, like we're at the beginning and not the finish line."
Dominic started to walk away but paused after a few steps, his brow furrowed. "Actually, I don't think that's what irony is. Haven would probably correct me again and say I was being symbolic. — J.M. Darhower

I got to work with Rachel Dratch, and she just had such a funny, roll-with-it attitude when she would approach the stage and could turn anything into a gem. — Stephnie Weir

Who said anything about relationship? Besides, we're not required to share everything; it's not like we're married."
"You want to marry me?" Xavier asked, and I saw some faces turn toward us in curiosity. "I was thinking we'd start slow and see where things went, but hey, what the hell!"
I rolled my eyes. "Be quiet or I'll be forced to flick you."
"Ooh," he mocked. "The ultimate threat. I don't think I've ever been flicked before."
"Are you suggesting I can't hurt you?"
"On the contrary, I think you have the power to do great damage."
I looked at him quizzically and then blushed deeply when his meaning dawned.
"Very funny," I said curtly. — Alexandra Adornetto

This is stolen? We're in a stolen jet?"
"Not stolen," said Donegan Bane from the co-pilot's seat.
"Almost stolen," Gracious corrected.
"Semi-stolen," said Donegan.
"Quasi-stolen," said Gracious.
Aurora's frown did not turn upside down. "So is it stolen or not?"
Donegan and Gracious hesitated.
"Yes," they both said together. — Derek Landy

Here's the thing - in this damned century, you'll meet a lot of people who do a lot of things. What's funny is the fact that the most desirable attributes of these people are nothing but developed and cultured thoughts. And these things come naturally to people who shine bright. The other guys just try to ape these thoughts, in an embarrassing attempt to recreate some of that magic. Sadly,- what looks beautiful as a natural quotient can be extremely funny and disgusting when replicated manually. Stop replicating feelings; else you'll turn into one of those duplicate personalities. They're wannabes. You don't have to become one! — Shomprakash Sinha Roy

It's funny how love can fit inside a brown cardboard box. With relationships, people often think that things pile up. But when it ends, they're surprised how few these things turn out to be. Or at least, how few things they are willing to let go of. — Juan Miguel Sevilla

The funny thing is musicians often love to go to see visual art because you've got all these pictures to turn into metaphors. — Dar Williams

Most of the people you read about being turned meet vamps in clubs or over the Internet ... Ew, did you ... ?"
"Yes, I met a vampire on the Internet, went to his evil love den, and let him turn me, because I'm that brainless. — Molly Harper

Best friends one, and now we have almost nothing to say to each other. It was interesting, how he had joined those guys and I just stayed on my own. I didn't like it or dislike it. It was just funny that things had turned out that way. — Markus Zusak

The reason I turn down 99% of a hundred, I mean a thousand, scripts is because romantic comedies are often very romantic but seldom very funny. — Hugh Grant

Don't you even watch gay porn?"

It was Ryan's turn to blush. "Not really. Sometimes. Not very often, though."

"Why not?"

He shrugged awkwardly. "It doesn't really turn me on."

"You need to watch better porn," Henry muttered. — Anna Martin

CONFESSION NO. 1 Most women find the bloating, cramping, and bitchiness of PMS bothersome at worst. I turn into a monster a week before my period ... literally.
— Ronda Thompson

I'll have that someday, thought Peter. Someone who'll kiss me good-bye at the door. Or maybe just someone to put a blindfold over my head before they shoot me. Depending on how things turn out. — Orson Scott Card

Funny how when your life is mostly bullshit, you turn off feeling.
Sometimes it's hard to turn it back on again. — Ellen Hopkins

Oh my son! My son!" von Helrung cried. Now it was his turn to crush my master to his chest. "William! Your father has come for you!"
"I hope not! My father has been dead over fifteen years, von Helrun. — Rick Yancey

The man may be the head of the household. But the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head whichever way she pleases. — Nia Vardalos

I do half the cooking, and by 'half' I mean three quarters," Dad pointed out. "And if you're going to turn up your nose at all my carnivorous delights, ingrate child, you can sit under the table and gnaw sadly on a raw Brussels sprout at mealtimes. — Sarah Rees Brennan

He'd have to turn on his high-voltage charm with these people. Should work. They were only used to 12V battery power after all-he'd dazzle them. — Josephine Myles

My first time in Madagascar was awesome because lemurs are kind of funny; they throw fruit at the back of your head when you're not looking and then point at one another when you turn around. — Kevin Hearne

If John somehow turns into a different man and we do not witness that transformation, the editor considering your novel will somehow turn into an editor considering a different novel. — Howard Mittelmark

The queen sighed. "What am I going to do with all of you now!"
"You're going to let us continue our journey," Belgarath replied calmly. "We'll argue about it, of course, but in the end that's the way it'll turn out."
She stared at him.
"You did ask, after all. I'm sure you feel better now that you know. — David Eddings

It's funny how bed and pillows and covers can change a conversation. Words turn quiet and you mean more and say less. It's like you can build your own little world, Population: 2. — Robin Benway