Witty Humor Quotes & Sayings

Skul-man!' he exclaimed as he rushed forward to shake his hand. 'Last I heard you were trapped on a dead world overrun by evil trans-dimensional superfiends!'
Skulduggery nodded. 'Just got back. — Derek Landy

Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit. — William Shakespeare

Actually, the Sniper's sense of humor frightened Amy more than anything else. The parody of Carla's poem had been witty, the rudeness of Marvy's critique outlandish, and she was still, for some reason, focused on that "youse" in the Sniper's counterfeit email. "Youse" was like a spectral elbow to Amy's ribs. Dangerous, malevolent people should not be amusing. In order to be humorous, you had to have perspective, to be able to stand outside yourself and your own needs and grudges and fears and see yourself for the puny ludicrous creature you really are. How could somebody do that and still imagine himself entitled to harry, to wound, to kill? — Jincy Willett

Nobody ever goes to that store to shop because it's too crowded. — Sol Luckman

He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife. — Ljupka Cvetanova

I am not shy about admitting my modest talents. For example, I am happy to admit that I am better than average at clever remarks, and I also have a flair for getting people to like me. But to be perfectly fair to myself, I am ever-ready to confess my shortcomings, too, and a quick round of soul-searching forced me to admit that I had never been any good at all at breathing water. As I hung there from the seat belt, dazed and watching the water pour in and swirl around my head, this began to seem like a very large character flaw. — Jeff Lindsay

Want to play hangman? asks Theophile, and I ache to tell him that I have enough on my plate playing quadriplegic. But my communication system disqualifies repartee: the keenest rapier grows dull and falls flat when it takes several minutes to thrust it home. By the time you strike, even you no longer understand what had seemed so witty before you started to dictate it, letter by letter. So the rule is to avoid impulsive sallies. It deprives conversation of its sparkle, all those gems you bat back and forth like a ball-and I count this forced lack of humor one of the great drawbacks of my condition. — Jean-Dominique Bauby

I have been lately introduced to the famous Thomas Paine, and like him very well. He is vain beyond all belief, but he has reason to be vain, and for my part I forgive him. He has done wonders for the cause of liberty, both in America and Europe, and I believe him to be conscientiously an honest man. He converses extremely well; and I find him wittier in discourse than in his writings, where his humour is clumsy enough. — Wolfe Tone

As it 'appens, I am Arthur's right-hand man," said Suzy. "Or left-hand girl, I can't remember where I stood last time. Anyhow, me and Arthur is like two fingers of a gauntlet. Or at least the thumb and the little finger. I mean, I'm his top General, and all. So if I say you're in, you're in. — Garth Nix

When I die cremate me so I can finally fit into something small. — Xondra Day

First rule of thievery,' Eli said, grinning, 'only run if you're not coming back.' ( ... ) 'First rule of thievery, never use the same entrance twice.' Miranda rolled her eyes. 'How many 'first rules' of thievery do you have?' 'When one mistake can mean your head on a pike, every rule's a first rule,' Eli said cheerfully. — Rachel Aaron

No matter how dire a situation may be, I can always find the humor in it somewhere. If I was ever in a horror movie I would be the goofy one who doesn't seem to know quite what's going on but survives to the end with witty one-liners. — A.J. Rose

He wasn't aware of it but when he smiled he looked like an amiable bear. When he didn't smile he didn't look amiable — Emma Goldrick

Bishop was all done with the witty converstaion. 'Will you swear?'
And Myrnin said, shockingly, 'I will.' And he proceeded to, a string of swearwords that made Claire blink. He ended with, ' - frothy fool-born apple-john! Cheater of vandals and defiler of dead dogs!' and did another twirl and bow. He looked up with a red, red grin that was more like a leer. 'Is that what you meant, my lord? — Rachel Caine

My wife was saying to me just the other day how she's noticed a spring in my step lately. That was because I thought you were gone forever.'
'I missed you too, Thurid. — Derek Landy

He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger. — Derek Landy

The problem with a life spent reading is you know too much. — Josh Lanyon

It's one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights! ... That's a real talent — Josh Stern

Most of you Mistborn are probably too proud to crawl. I'm surprised you were willing to do so yourself."
"Too proud to crawl?" Kelsier said. "Nosense! Why, I'd say that we Mistborn are too proud not to be humble enough to go crawling about--in a dignified manner, of course."
Dockson frowned, approaching the desk. "Kell, that didn't make any sense."
"We Mistborn need not make sense. — Brandon Sanderson

You know, you're rather amusingly wrong. — Terry Pratchett

If you can't be yours while being mine, maybe you aren't as yours as you'd like to convince yourself that you are. — Aleksandra Ninkovic

Your brother Jaime keeps losing battles. He gave Sansa an angry look, as if it were her fault. He's been taken by the Starks and we've lost Riverrun and now her stupid brother is calling himself a king.
The dwarf smiled crookedly. All sorts of people are calling themselves kings these days. — George R R Martin

Deke: 'You know what I'm wonderin'?'
Malachi: 'No, and to tell the truth, I don't care'
Deke: 'I'm wonderin' how you've managed to live to the ripe old age of 36, when it's a known fact that you've been brain-dead since birth'

'Strength of will', was the flat reply — Lynn Turner

The guy's life drunk, I think, makes Candide look like a sourpuss. Does he even know that death exists? — Jandy Nelson

Life is meaning less when you realized that you are about to die. Till then, everything negative however trifle they may be, depress you. — Ankur Basu Roy

Spanish - how shall I say this? - is like
Portuguese spoken with a speech impediment. — Sol Luckman

Nothing like cleaning the whole house while my siblings sing "O Canada" - #oldestchildsyndrome. — Michelle N. Onuorah

For a split second, I wondered if he were some type of sexy sorcerer, who was able to remove my clothing by the force of his will alone. I squeezed my eyes shut and focused on the buttons of his shirt, willing them to pop off.
It didn't work. Then again, it was pretty hard to focus while he was touching me, so maybe under different circumstances, I too could be a sexy sorcerer. Watch out world. — M.C. Lavocat

Well, enough of this introspection. It's depressing, quite frankly. — Sol Luckman

I watched you undress. Shame on you! — Ljupka Cvetanova

Kelsier rapped lightly on the door, and Dockson strolled over, pulling it open.
"And he makes his stunning entry!" Kelsier announced, sweeping into the room, throwing back his mistcloak.
Dockson snorted, shutting the doors. "You're truly a wonder to behold, Kell. Particularly the soot stains on your knees. — Brandon Sanderson

He gave a wry smile. With all this vigilant vigils on virginity, you would think the country would have controlled its population by now. — Mallika Nawal

I'd heard you were dead."
"I heard you wear a red lace corset," I said matter-of-factly. "But I don't believe every bit of nonsense that gets rumored about. — Patrick Rothfuss

I used to ask myself, 'Sergei, would you rather spend your money on drink or women?' and thanks to the club, I spend it on both and am called a patron of the arts. — Melika Dannese Lux

My manager, who is a very timid person, often tells me that I should think before I speak. I tell her that she should actually have the guts to speak up about the things she thinks. — Miley Cyrus

His friend laughed. 'You missed your calling, Freddie,' he said. 'You should have been one of the aforementioned clergy. Is this what marriage does to you? One shudders at the very idea. — Mary Balogh

With Kennedy, I was anchored. She filled all the lonely spaces inside of me with her laughter, with her wry and witty humor, with everything we had in common. — Lauren Blakely

I am attracted to intelligence, a witty sense of humor, an adventurous outlook on life and spiritual awareness about one's self and the world. — Tanit Phoenix

-"He loved her ... It was noble of him. It was beautiful."
-"It was stupid. — Lloyd Alexander

Jason smiled and took a sip of his coke before responding. I'm not sure how to reply to that. I thought about just giving you a nasty look. But I see you already have one. — Mark A. Cooper

Half is better than none unless it be of a wit. — Susan Lendroth

Unsettling, like seeing Stalin on a skateboard. — David Nicholls

My waist is a 30. The jeans are a 28. When I fart, the Reeboks blow off. — Steve Kluger

There was a rare quality about Nurse Grace's smile. It was the knowledge that sooner or later her smile would inspire some witty observer to say something around the lines of, "Every time you do this, an angel farts". — Sorin Suciu

I love Pizza thicker, when the crust is thinner! — Jasleen Kaur Gumber

Yes. Reyn is our resident horse master. He has an excellent seat."
I grinned. "I've noticed."
Reyn's face tightened and Nell flushed, looking embarrassed. "It's an equestrian term."
"Really? I thought you were talking about his ass. — Cate Tiernan

She said yes. If only she didn't talk so much! — Ljupka Cvetanova

The cocktail filled him with a whirling exhilaration behind which he was aware of devastating desires - to rush places in fast motors, to kiss girls, to sing, to be witty ... He perceived that he had gifts of profligacy which had been neglected.
- chapter 8 — Sinclair Lewis

I guess it's funny how life turns out?" she tried. "Not last I checked," Errol said with a snort. — Daniel Handler

Don't worry about it; only worry about how people like her breed. — Gasmaskman

Think of yourselves as pearls. We, sitting in our rows, eyes down, we make her salivate morally. We are hers to define, we must suffer her adjectives. I think about pearls. Pearls are congealed oyster spit. — Margaret Atwood

Displacement of 'What goes around, comes around' is Zero. — Gaurav Rao

Deep down, he's shallow. — Peter De Vries

Dead yet?" Gus answered.
I smirked. "Not yet, but the night's still young."
"Here's hoping. — Jessica Shirvington

Graham's life is as tense as an overstretched simile. — Zane Stumpo

I have chiseled features. Look. Look how chiseled they are. And my teeth are at least as white as his. You seriously think he's good-lookin'?"
"I do," said Tanith.
"Right," Sanguine said and nodded. "I'm gonna kill him."
She kept her laugh soft so it wouldn't travel. "I think he's good-looking, but I think you're better looking."
"Oh," Sanguine said. "I mean, yeah. I am. I'm glad you noticed. — Derek Landy

I frankly felt like the reception we received on the way in from the airport was very warm and hospitable. And I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave
with all five fingers
for their hospitality. — George W. Bush

My father could be very witty, even if the humor was always on the darker side of irony. — Maurice Sendak

Who knew Demon Child would have such a normal name? I expected something exotic like Serena or Destiny or the Evil One That Comes in the Night to Make Us Chilly. — Darynda Jones

I am still not used to being the possessor of such a grand title. I believe I shall have to start wearing a purple satin turban and carrying a lorgnette. — Mary Balogh

Bradley opened his mouth and then snapped it shut. Finally he chuckled, I find myself with so many arguments and witty replies begging to be used in response to your statement, that I simply cannot choose which would serve my purpose best. Therefore, I'll use none of them and instead ask how you came to be pinned beneath the rubble of thirty bent on your destruction. — Nicole Sager

I was incapable of producing
anything coherent at the moment so
rather than throwing out some witty
banter in response I said something like
"Ohgaahaad" instead. Feel free to quote
me. — N.M. Silber

My parents have always had a great sense of humor. And I really appreciate good humor in songs, witty lyrics that sneak up on you and then you listen again, and say: 'That's so funny.' John Prine's songs have always had this really witty tone. — Kacey Musgraves

Observation:

Thanks to technological advances, avid readers seem to be replacing DTBAD (Dead Tree Book Acquisition Disorder) with an alphabet soup of more more modern-day hoarding behaviors: EBAD (E-Book Acquistion Disorder), EGAD (Electronic Gadget Acquisition Disorder), and ABAD (Audiobook Acquisition Disorder). Of course, there's also MYBAD (Movie and YouTube Acquisition Disorder: the hoarding or obsessive viewing of digital films and videos, some based on books). If any of these syndromes describes you, take heart: there's probably an app for that! - 8/9/2013 — Lisa Tolliver

Is it white wine? Red tastes like vinegar.'

'Of course it's white wine, I'm Japanese. — Natasha Pulley

I'm a Buddhist. You might have a Christian obligation to catch pneumonia while you sit for two and a half hours listening to some twerp in a dress drone on about the virtue of wedded life but, dear as you are to me, I don't. — Natasha Pulley

Ack! I said.
Fearless master of the witty dialogue, that's me. — Jim Butcher

I wish I knew all the answers, how to be perfect, attractive and witty. But I'm just a human being with all the regular faults and it seems no matter how hard I try, I can't change that. — Rebekah Joy Anast

Writers don't get mad they get even in their novels. — Candace C. Bowen

Adele was in everybody's wish list, and her list of Romeos was nearly as long as the Yellow Pages. Some witty person had suggested that her family needed a system of traffic lights to avoid fatal crashes for the men in her life. — Olga Nunez Miret

Only one comment seemed to perfectly fit her current situation. "I see dead people."
He leaned forward hands on his hips. "Me too. It's the only explanation for what's standing in front of me. Unless some high school kids broke into the anatomy closet and stole the classroom skeleton, stretched some cadaver skin over that bitch then cast an ancient ritual to animate it." She laughed. For as much as she now disliked the bastard she had to admit he was amusing. "Did they do the same to that shit you're wearing? You do realize it's 2008 right?" She raised a hand. "Wait let me see if I can reach you using your own language. You do ken 'tis year of our Lord two thousand and eight aye? — Jennifer Turner

We are entrusting thousands of strangers with our innermost thoughts and feelings, and then we're expecting them to be careful with those feelings. As much as we want it to be, the Internet is not a safe space. It is not a place where we can lay our burdens down and heal. Why? Because there are too many people there who do not give an ounce of a shit about our well-being. They do not deserve our rawness, and they will not treat it with care. — Luvvie Ajayi

Never make eye contact with a stranger when you're having a churro. — Rucy Ban

Nobody wants a house in Osaka,' he said, and it was strange to hear him switch suddenly to foreign pronunciation in the middle of his English. 'It would mean you had to live in Osaka.'

'What's wrong with it?'

'It's like . . . Birmingham. — Natasha Pulley

This is the fast lane, folks ... and some of us like it here. — Hunter S. Thompson

This isn't the first time I've used this, and the test subject showed no signs of impaired cognitive ability."
"Who was the test subject?" asked Aurora.
"I test everything out on myself before taking it into the field."
She stared at him. "You zapped your own brain?"
"And it didn't do me any harm apart from the dizziness and the vomiting spells and the weirdly persistent ringing in my ears. Also the blackouts and the mood swings and the creeping paranoia. Apart from that, zero side effects, if you don't count the numb fingertips. Which I don't. — Derek Landy

There it was: a full confession. Sherlock Holmes had done it again, and as I marveled at my devastating powers of deduction, I wished there had been two of me so I could have patted myself on the back. I know it sounds arrogant, but how often does one achieve a mental triumph of that magnitude? After listening to her speak just two words, I had nailed the whole bloody thing. If Watson had been there, he would have been shaking his head and muttering under his breath. — Paul Auster

Marriage is an honorable estate and should not be used simply as an excuse for legal intercourse. — Jasper Fforde

Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs. — Oliver Goldsmith

True Devdas are Authors — Santosh Avvannavar

The wittiest authors raise the very slightest of smiles. — Friedrich Nietzsche

And it's really very difficult to kill someone when all your inner instincts would oblige you to take off your hat first! — Susan Kay

I'm almost finished," said Wilhelm, wiping out a line with his sleeve and drawing over it.
"I never doubted you for a moment," said Vex, then looked at Aurora and spoke more softly. "I actually doubted him the whole time. He's really not very good."
Wilhelm turned. "I'm standing right in front of you. I can hear literally every sound you make."
"Wilhelm, please," said Vex, "this is a private conversation. — Derek Landy

I smile at the interviewer's stern face to buy more time. This is why I hate interviews. I don't see the point of them; you can't really be honest. I can't tell Mrs. Chainani that I left my producer job because all my colleagues were bitches. The job was too stressful and everyone was horrible. It certainly wasn't glamorous. I'm not really passionate about the media. I'm not passionate about anything, really. I just need a job. Anything will do. — Anjali Kirpalani

Auntie Wu took special pride in two of her accomplishments--the sons she bore and the flowers she grew. They were equally useless, but the flowers smelled better. — Kay Honeyman

Goebbels was known for his wit; Martha, for a time, considered him charming. "Infectious and delightful, eyes sparkling, voice soft, his speech witty and light, it is difficult to remember his cruelty, his cunning destructive talents." Her mother, Mattie, always enjoyed being seated next to Goebbels at banquets; Dodd considered him "one of the few men with a sense of humor in Germany — Erik Larson

They were even talking about buying a bodyguard, can you believe it? I mean, what on earth would I look like, turning up with a bodyguard?
Actually, I'd look pretty cool and mysterious, wouldn't I? That might have been quite a good idea. — Sophie Kinsella

We shall see. You have been long away from our people. Your skills may have grown rusty."
"What skills?" I asked.
"His sexual ones. That is how we court among our kind," Vlad explained.
"Oh, well, I'm not sure about the charm, Gordane may have to practice on that," I said, making Gordane growl.
"But I can vouch for his sexual skills. He's had plenty of practice." A low growl, two low growls behind me, suddenly made me realize how my words could be taken.
"I meant plenty of practice on other women," I hastened to add, looking exasperatedly at Gryphon and Halcyon-where the growls were coming from. "He has an entire harem of at least eighty women, for Pete's sake."
Thankfully the menacing growls subsided. — Sunny

There are some men who are witty when they are in a bad humor, and others only when they are sad. — Joseph Joubert

There were so many viciously sarcastic ways to respond, Jaden's brain was temporarily paralyzed due to witty comeback overload. — Courtney Kirchoff

A painting is worth a thousand confused art-gallery visitors. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Yesterday he had limped, but today there was no part of his feet that didn't hurt, so limping did no good. — Patrick Rothfuss

Every Brit I met had the best sense of humor. They're hilarious: very dry and witty. — Merritt Patterson

Is she good company, able to laugh at herself, or a witty conversationalist? Has she any intelligence in her pretty head?'
'Yes, definitely. All of the above,' Abigail replied. 'And she has read Pride and Prejudice three times, Sense and Sensibility twice, and Mansfield Park only once.'
The woman's eyes glinted with wry humor. 'That is in her favor, indeed. I can tell you are an excellent judge of character, Miss Foster. — Julie Klassen

You write poetry?" Klaus asked.
He had read a lot about poets but had never met one.
"Just a little bit," Isadora said modestly. "I write poems down in this notebook. It's an interest of mine."
"Sappho!" Sunny shrieked, which meant something like, "I'd be very pleased to hear a poem of yours! — Lemony Snicket

You won't be able to do it wrong, Durnik
any more than you'd be able to lie or cheat or steal. It's built into you to do it right, so don't worry about it."
"That's all very well for you to say, Mistress, Pol," he replied, "but if you don't mind, I will worry about it just a bit
privately of course. — David Eddings

My senior year of high school, I was voted 'Wittiest.' So, several years later, I decided to try my hand at writing humor to see if I could be witty enough to make some money. — Barbara Park

A team that is always fun with witty sense of humor. We help each other around a lot and help push each other to be better — Min

Miss Langman was often, in interviews, described as a witty conversationalist; how can a woman be witty when she hasn't a sense of humor? - and she has none, which was her central flaw as a person and as an artist. — Truman Capote

Well,' Frederick had said, 'I will see what can be arranged, Archie. But I will not have the girl frightened or compromised.'
'You sound like a grandfather who has raised fifteen daughters and is now starting on his granddaughters, Freddie,' Lord Archibald had said. 'It is most disconcerting. — Mary Balogh