Quotes & Sayings About Winning Funny

You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once." — Mitch Hedberg

He had senile dementia and liked to go outside naked, but he could still do two things perfectly: win at checkers and write out prescriptions. — Barbara Kingsolver

It's funny how the world works, how we win and lose, how we can never really know what's ahead though we never stop planning. How we survive and move on. There's a sadness that comes with survival, but also more joy to be had. — Anna McPartlin

Winning is everything. The only ones who remember you when you come second are your wife and your dog. — Damon Hill

The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash. — David Letterman

It's kind of funny to me listening to people who claim to have these great records of winning a hundred and some odd straight felony cases without a loss and that kind of stuff that you hear of all the time. I'm here to tell you, if you let me pick out which hundred cases I get to try, I'll win a hundred of them in a row, too. Case selection is everything in creating records like that. My philosophy was, I tried them all. If I made a determination that the evidence was sufficient to justify the prosecution, then I would try the case, and certainly whenever you do that, you're going to lose a certain percentage of them. — Mark Baker

If you wagered $5,000 on each of my winning NFL picks in 2012 and $500 ($550) on each of my losing picks, you'd be ahead $70,050. Wow. — Norman Chad

It's the big new bridge," said Serge. "Takes you right across Lake What-the-Fuck." "Is that another real name?" "No," said Serge. "That's what I call it. It's really named Lake Surprise. But surprise is usually something good that provides delight, like winning the lottery or reaching in the back of the fridge and finding an unexpected jar of olives. But this lake got its name because it pissed people off." "How'd it do that?" "Another funny story. When Henry Flagler started the Overseas Railroad down the Keys, he looked for the route with the most land, because bridges over water cost more. So he sent out surveyors, and they began laying tracks south from the mainland of Florida, across some little islands and an isthmus to Key Largo. And I can't believe they built that far before realizing that right in the middle of a big chunk of land was this giant lake, and now they have to build an extra bridge that wasn't in the budget. — Tim Dorsey

It's funny how the whole team gets quiet when you're about to win a Daytona 500. — Joey Logano

Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt. — Stephen Colbert

People always - I think were surprised about me connecting with folks in small town Iowa. And the reason I did was - first of all, I had the benefit that at the time nobody expected me to win. And so I wasn't viewed through this prism of Fox News and conservative media making me scary. At the time, I didn't think seem scary, other than just having a funny name. I seemed young. — Barack Obama

Funny, for all surveillance, Osama bin Laden is still free-and we're not. Guess who's winning the war on terror? — Cory Doctorow

It wasn't enough that I had to worry about playing well and winning the game, but I also had to deal with possibility that one of my teammates could be dragged off the field by the inhabitants of the mental hospital. — Wes Locher

You don't like Blue, do you?"
"No," Mira said, caught off guard by the change of subject.
"I was worried he was doing his knight-in-tarnished-armor thing and it was winning you over. — Sarah Cross

I was glad to see Italy win. All the guys on the team were Italians. — Tommy Lasorda

The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him. — Jimmy Fallon

The Padres, after winning the first game of the doubleheader, are ahead here in the top of the fifth and hoping for a split. — Jerry Coleman

On the £20,000 Mercedes prizes for each winner at the World Athletics Championships in Stuttgart- Anyone good enough to win already has one. — Michael Johnson

I am not sure if women are attracted to genius. Can you imagine the wise wizard winning the woman over the gallant swordsman? It seems rather otherworldly in more ways than one. — Criss Jami

If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use? — Paul Harvey

Reality television was in some ways being unimaginative at that time. We were excited about the possibilities of the form, to use real people as your stars, to not be about winning, to be about going on complicated, challenging, funny, dramatic journeys. — John Landgraf

Yes, I direct commercials as well. I get these really weird offers and then I have to bid on them and win the job. One offer that I have now, and I've already done this last year for the same company, is for Cash Value Cheese, this cheese out in the midwest. I did two spots for them last year and I'm going to probably do three this year. I also did some for the Utah Transit Authority, which was weird and interesting and they turned out really funny - they actually won an award. — Andy Dick

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live. — Henny Youngman

Nothing amuses people more than a cocky guy who starts losing. — Criss Jami

Nothing frustrates people more than a cocky guy who's still winning. — Criss Jami

Winning is about taking your opponent's heart out and squeezing it until all the blood has come out, even the very last drop. There are no prizes for a funny loser. — Pete Sampras

Clinton cannot possibly win in 2000. — Dan Quayle

You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited ... and for me it was between the two buildings going down ... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win. — Louis C.K.

Once again, there was talk of winning every game, and once again, we proved to be human, because an oblong ball takes funny bounces. — Michael Pinball Clemons

Don't tell those coming in the final result of that fantastic match, but let's just have another look at Italy's winning goalo. — David Coleman

I don't even pretend to believe I know everything; I just believe in arguments God told me I had a pretty good chance of winning, while I was traveling through hell. — Shannon L. Alder

It's funny, you can get over the win pretty quick and get ready for the next opponent. When you lose, it just eats at you ... What could we have done? What should I have done? All those things. Just part of playing professional sports and sports in general. — Tony Romo

I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky! — Mitch Hedberg

What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes. — Gena Showalter

[Lizzie Bennington to a reporter who has asked for her opinion about Jack Archer's celebrated thighs.] When you come back from a set down and bring the match to a final set tiebreak and are a point away from winning the match, only to have what looks like an extremely fit player call a time out because of a cramp and then watch that player sit back and casually converse and laugh while you do your best to keep your mental focus and your body moving so you don't grow cold and cramp yourself, I hardly think you'd concern yourself with his burgeoning manhood, let alone his thighs! — A.G. Starling

It's like playing the lottery. It doesn't matter how extremely low the chances are of winning. You gotta be in it to win it. Hitting on every girl in sight is like buying a whole lot of lottery tickets. You never know, one day one of them might actually pay off. — Oliver Markus

Golf's a funny game. You can be playing poorly and then go and win a tournament. — Karrie Webb

Sometimes I get drunk and I get into arguments with taxi drivers. And I get out the cab and I slam the door. That's not the way to win an argument with a taxi driver. The way to win is you get out of the cab and you leave the door open. And then he has to step out and come around and close that door. And while he's doing that, I'm on the other side opening the other doors-and we just go around and around and around, and I got my own Benny Hill situation going on in life. — Hannibal Buress

The way I figure it, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win. — Marc Maron

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? — Steven Wright

Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a arguement. It's impossble you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense — Chris Rock

Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose. — Kevin Keegan

The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there's one thing that family needs, it's more gold. — Conan O'Brien

In order for this team to win the game, the quarterback has to throw the ball. — John Madden

People are so funny. There's no winning with commenters or anonymous people. They'd be rude that I was overweight, and now they're rude that I'm healthy. — Jonah Hill

Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win — Vinnie Jones

The tragedy is that Dell didn't win it - we lost it. — Steve Jobs

I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize". Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right. — Mitch Hedberg

You're tougher than you think, or we wouldn't be such great friends. You need to snap out of it, Will." She snaps her fingers. "You, me - we don't belong here in your head."
"My head?"
"Ask yourself why you'd have me here, besides the fact that I'm awesome. I do what?" Her eyebrow raises.
I search and say the natural response: "Tell it like it is?"
She nods.
Ding ding ding. I'm winning the fair prize if I can just complete the puzzle. — Mira Monroe

I always used to tell my players that we are here to win! And you know what, Al? When you don't win, you lose. — John Madden

I used to be jealous; I'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way - I cured it with mathematics. And I'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once - I'm still winning. — Marc Maron

I have also heard and read various accounts of why they [Sheldon Leonard and Carl Reiner] liked me. My favorites? I wasn't too good-looking, I walked a little funny, and I was basically kind of average and ordinary. I guess my lack of perfection turned out to be a winning hand. Let that be a lesson for future generations. — Dick Van Dyke

Your mother would have more luck winning her election than teaching you how to be charming. Izzy Malone, going to charm school! Are you going to walk across the room with a book stuck on your head?"

"No, it's not like that at all," I said as he doubled over with laughter. "And I really don't see what's so funny."

"It's just that"--he gasped--"it would be like teaching a hippo to wear high heels! — Jenny Lundquist