Vampire Joke Quotes & Sayings

Like young fern shoots
my child's fingers curled.
I did not expect,
in the fifth month, frost. — Lian Hearn

Don't stop there. I suppose there are also, what, vampires and werewolves and zombies?"
"Of course there are. Although you mostly find zombies farther south, where the voudun priests are."
"What about mummies? Do they only hang around Egypt?"
"Don't be ridiculous. No one believes in mummies. — Cassandra Clare

My sister, with her ratty red-highlighted hair and her linen pajamas and her combat boots - how could she possibly worry about being possessed by a goddess? What goddess would want her, except the goddess of chewing gum? — Rick Riordan

What in the world is this abomination?"
Lissa, only slightly more tactful, asked, "Adrian, is this some kind of joke? — Richelle Mead

Is it possible to be nostalgic about old fears? — Peter Ackroyd

I'm not myself," I added hesitantly. "I haven't survived all this as well as I should have survived it. My body's healed - the old miracle. But I don't understand my present view of things. The bitterness. the utter darkness. Never has life itself seemed so senseless. It's a joke, isn't it? Consciousness, it's a kind of joke. — Anne Rice

It's never come easy for me. I don't think my mind allows me to rest ever. I have, I think, a chip on my shoulder, and some deep scars that I don't think were healed. — Tom Brady

Don't worry, I won't bite. Well, at least not in the way you're afraid of. He chuckled at his own joke.
- Christian Ozera. — Richelle Mead

I would kill to be on 'Dexter,' and I would double kill to be on 'True Blood.' I would pay them to let me come be a vampire or a vampire victim. No joke! — Callie Thorne

I'm a known fugitive who likes to set people on fire. Come away with me so we can have hot sex while the entire city is trying to shoot me in the head. If I get bored, I'll barbecue you for my amusement. Sure, let me get my shoes. — Ilona Andrews

It's a cruel joke of the universe that the one person who makes me come alive is himself dead. And evil. His very existence defies all moral laws and all known laws of physics. — Kitty Thomas

Oh, so that's why you're up here. For a pity party."
"This isn't a joke. I'm serious." I could tell Lissa was getting angry. It was trumping her earlier distress.
He shrugged and leaned casually against the sloping wall. "So am I. I love pity parties. I wish I'd brought the hats. What do you want to mope about first? How it's going to take you a whole day to be popular and loved again? How you'll have to wait a couple weeks before Hollister can ship out some new clothes? If you spring for rush shipping, it might not be so long. — Richelle Mead

Lend's dad, two werewolves, and a vampire. It was like the setup to a bad joke or something. A doctor, two werewolves, and a vampire walk into a bar. "What'll you have?" the bartender asks. "We were thinking him," the vampire answers, eyeing the doctor.
Okay, jokes weren't my strong point. — Kiersten White

I've been doing a lot of learning from mistakes, first and foremost, and building off that. — William Green

Little fussy Otto, in his red-lined black opera cloak with pockets for all his gear, his shiny black shoes, his carefully cut widow's peak and, not least, his ridiculous accent that grew thicker or thinner depending on who he was talking to, did not look like a threat. He looked funny, a joke, a music-hall vampire. It had never previously occurred to Vimes that, just possibly, the joke was on other people. — Terry Pratchett

I couldn't bear to think of my mother loving me but unable to face me, to stare into my eyes, to care for me emotionally, to offer me her face. Like any daughter, as much as I wanted to separate from her, I wanted to be deeply connected to her, I wanted to redeem her, I wanted to protect her. I wanted to love and to understand, in that order. — Heather Sellers

A human hires a hit man to kill his cousin for money, boring. That same hit man botches the job twice, funny. Then the desperate hit man sends a ghoul after the girl to finish things up, my curiosity's piqued. That same ghoul ends up with his head cut off by a mysterious redhead ... Ah. Now I'm interested. — Jeaniene Frost

Now, what does a vampire do with a computer? Keep track of investments? Send e-mail to other vampires as you all plot to take over the world?" "I spend a lot of time on Wikipedia making corrections to the entries of historical figures I've known." I blinked at him. "Really?" "No, Kitty. That was a joke. — Carrie Vaughn

It's basically a joke."
"I think it's cool," Julian says. "It's all about control, right?" He considers something. "It's not a joke. You should take it seriously. I mean, you're also one of the producers
"
I cut him off. "Why have you been tracking this?"
"It's a big deal and
"
"Julian, it's a movie," I say. "Why have you been tracking this? It's just another movie."
"Maybe for you."
"What does that mean?"
"Maybe for others it's something else," Julian says. "Something more meaningful."
"I get where you're coming from, but there's a vampire in it. — Bret Easton Ellis

He started to touch the mechanism under the keyboard,
then pulled his hand back with a snap.
"Ah," he said. "Must deactivate the security ... Turn around, please."
"What?"
"Turn around, Claire. It's a secure password!"
"You have GOT to be kidding."
"Why ever would I joke about that? Please turn. — Rachel Caine

Stop!" she screamed. "Don't hurt him."
"Back off!" Billy shouted.
She yanked harder on Billy's arm.
"He isn't a vampire anymore, idiot. Look! Do you see that big, yellow thing up in the sky? That's called the sun. It's shining down on him, and he isn't exploding. His fangs are gone. He's as human as we are. Case closed."
Billy stared up at the sky, his jaw slack. "Not possible."
Jack mumbled, "They don't call me Jackpot for nothing."
"What?" Billy blinked at him.
"Private joke. — Kasi Blake

I suck," I said, after several minutes of uncomfortable silence into our drive.
"Is that some kind of vampire joke?" Trey
asked. — Richelle Mead

Love is the antidote for all the fears, questions and worries that we accumulate in life. — Art Hochberg

Okay, brace yourselves for a really hilarious joke here: Being a vampire sucks. — Tamara Summers

CUSTOMER: I'm always on night shift at work.
BOOKSELLER (jokingly): Is that why you're buying so many vampire novels?
CUSTOMER (seriously): You can never be too prepared. — Jen Campbell

Can I ask you something weird?" Dwayne inquired. "Does it pertain?" "Yes." "Fine, but hurry. I'm due in the agency in ten." "Don't speak till I finish," Dwayne said in a weary voice I'd never heard. "I am going to bite you. I will drink a very small amount of your blood so I can track you definitively. I don't trust my sense of smell enough where your life is concerned. You will then bite me and drink. You will find it disgusting, disturbing and possibly somewhat erotic, which is gross because you're straight and I'm gay, but you will do it. My blood will give you vampire strength. It's temporary, so don't freak. Let's do it." "Was all that a joke?" I stammered. "What? The straight and gay part?" He was confused. "Or the temporary part?" "All of it," I yelled. — Robyn Peterman

I had a public school education - 3,000 kids when I was there. And there were a lot of teachers who would just sit there. You'd come in and sign your name and the teacher would just sit there at the head of the class and you would literally just have to stay in your seat for 40 minutes and that was the only thing you'd have to do in class. — Casey Affleck

We are foolish, comic, motionless, corrupted, yet we are worthy of sympathy too. — James Joyce