This Week's Funny Quotes & Sayings

Marcus couldn't believe it. Dead. A dead duck. OK, he'd been trying to hit it on the head with a piece of sandwich, but he tried to do all sorts of things, and none of them had ever happened before. He'd tried to get the highest score on the Stargazer machine in the kabab shop on Hornsey road - nothing. He'd tried to read Nicky's thoughts by staring at the back of his head every maths lesson for a week - nothing. It really annoyed him that the only thing he'd ever achieved through trying was something he hadn't really wanted to do that much in the first place. And anyway, since when did hitting a bird with a sandwich ever kill it? People spend half their lives throwing things at the ducks in Regent's Park. How come he managed to pick a duck that pathetic? — Nick Hornby

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. — Joe E. Lewis

Sorry. My friends didn't mention certain ... details about you and you just wouldn't believe how nutty some people are. Just last week, I had a woman convinced her trailer was haunted by Tupac, as if he'd want to spend eternity in a double wide that smelled like cat piss. — Jeaniene Frost

I don't drink anymore myself, I'm moving on. And that's not to say I won't drink again. I'm not making any promises, but I don't think I was a great drinker. Some folks are great drinkers; they drink and tell jokes and laugh their asses off, and they are funny as hell. We buried one of those last week. Life is just a big test, and if you try hard, you fail. If you don't try too hard and fail a little but have a good time, maybe that is success. — Neil Young

She needed Andrew Simpson Smith, it was that simple. And he had spent his life training to help people like her. Gods.
"Okay, Andrew. But let's leave today. I'm in a hurry."
"Of course. Today." He stroked the place where his slight beard was beginning to grow. "These ruins where your friends are waiting? Where are they?"
Tally glances up at the sun, still low enough to indicate the eastern horizon. After a moment's calculation, she pointed off to the northwest, back toward the city and beyond that, the Rusty Ruins. "About a week's walk that way."
"A week?"
"That means seven days."
"Yes, I know the gods' calendar," he said huffily. "But a whole week?"
"Yeah. That's not so far, is it?" The hunters had been tireless on their march the night before.
He shook his head, an awed expression on his face. "But that is beyond the edge of the world. — Scott Westerfeld

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it. — Henny Youngman

A week is a long time in politics, and three weeks is twice as long. — Rosie Barnes

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. — Henny Youngman

It's funny how quickly tomorrow becomes yesterday and then last week and then you run out of time. — Michelle Gable

You can drink pickle juice and imitate gorillas and do silly dances and sing stupid songs and wear funny hats and be as imperfect as you please and still be a good person. Good people are hard to find nowadays. And they're a lot more fun than perfect people any day of the week. — Stephen Manes

Funny enough, I sit on my porch all day, wave and smile at everyone. Some of them aren't sure, some smiles right back, some come back later and say; "This morning you made my day, had the best day all week, thank you for that!" Smile and wave, that's all it takes — Martin R. Lemieux

Let The Rock understand this, he beats your ass in cage match last week and now your the number 1 contender? Well The Rock knows exactly why that is; you've got a three foot nose you turn it sideways and stick it straight up Vince's ass! — Dwayne Johnson

Lotto fever hit New York again this week, and like the old saying goes, 'You gotta be in it to win it' ... but first, you gotta have a dead end job so pathetic you're willing to kill five hours standing in line for a 1 in 25 million chance. — Dennis Miller

I never liked apples. In fact, when I was a little girl, my mom wanted to give me apples in my lunch box and I would ask for green peppers. So bizarre ... It's funny - I don't have an apple a day, but I can say that I have a few a week. — Lana Parrilla

Business, like life, is funny. We all go through difficult times, and we all have to face curve balls and challenges, each and every week. And we need to laugh when things are funny. — Ronnie Apteker

This week, penny collector Gene Sukie went to the bank and cashed in 10,000 pounds of pennies he had collected over 34 years, which were worth over 14,000 dollars. And, of course, I was in line behind him. — Tina Fey

Is this some kind of joke?"
"That's for me to know and you to find out."
"Maybe you think it's funny to put up signs about people who want to commit suicide."
"Are you about to?"
"And what if I was?"
"I wouldn't tell you the gorgeous reasons I have discovered for going on living."
"What would you do?"
"I'd ask you to name the rock-bottom price you'd charge to go on living for just one more week. — Kurt Vonnegut

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!" — Henny Youngman

Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week. — Groucho Marx

Your mother can't hear you here."
"Distance is no match for my mother's eavesdropping and mind-reading skills."

"I had steel anti-mind-reading plates installed this week. Specially designed to be Marilyn-proof. Also sounds an alarm if she gets within two hundred yards of the building, and I sent the guards downstairs to ninja training. You're safe. — Jamie Farrell

the team will say "We can't get anything done in a week." I generally ask them, "Well, can you get anything done in a day, then?" They'll reply that they cannot, and I'll ask them why they plan to come in tomorrow if they aren't going to do anything. Haha, very funny. Except serious. — Anonymous

Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there. — Bill Madlock

I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees ... — Mike Birbiglia

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off! — Henny Youngman

We had to go to stew school for five weeks. We'd go through a whole week of make-up and poise. I didn't like this. They make you feel like you've never been out in public. They showed you how to smoke a cigarette, when to smoke a cigarette, how to look at a man's eyes. Our teacher, she had this idea we had to be sexy. One day in class she was showing us how to accept a light for a cigarette from a man and never blow it out. When he lights it, just look in his eyes. It was really funny, all the girls laughed. — Studs Terkel

I told you not to drink that much water on the drive," Sarah told her. "You never listen to me."
"Sorry I don't have the bladder of a freaking sloth."
"You mean camel," Sarah corrected.
"I meant sloth," the other girl said. "I read somewhere they only have to go once a week. — Alexandra Bracken

I went to New York for Fashion Week and girls showed up waiting to see me. It's funny because there's a group of girls who I actually recognize because they always show up. It's nice and I'm like, 'Hi girls! I recognize your faces!' It's just like a feel-good experience. — Katie Cassidy

Sex in marriage is like medicine. Three times a day for the first week. Then once a day for another week. Then once every three or four days till the condition clears up. — Peter De Vries

The argument had been in full swing when Matthew's father telephoned with the news that a funny turn Matthew's mother had suffered the previous week had been diagnosed as a mini-stroke. After this, she and Matthew felt that squabbling about Strike was in bad taste, so they went to bed in an unsatisfactory state of theoretical reconciliation, both, Robin knew, still seething. It was — Robert Galbraith

If his drunkenness had legs, it would be Alexander the Great and conquer the known world. Then it would puke for a week into a solid gold toilet it stole from Zeus's guest room. — Richard Kadrey

You think you've never been wrong before?"-alex
"sure i have why just last week I bought bobbi brown sandwash petal lip gloss when the pink blossom color would have looked so much better with my complexion. needless to say the purchase was a total disaster"- brittney
"ill bet"-alex.
"havent you ever been wrong before?"-brittany
"absolutely. last week, when i robbed that bank over by the walgreens, I told the teller to hand over all the fifties he had in the till. what i really should have asked for was the twenties 'cause there were way more twenties than fifties"- alex
"what a disaster"- brittany — Simone Elkeles

Ty grabbed my phone and threatened to tell Otter that I liked being spanked during sex.
This proceeded to lead up on a long tangent where I had to have him explain to me how he knows about stuff like people getting spanked during sex. H said he might have heard it mentioned while watching MSNBC. I told him he was grounded from watching the news channels for a week. That's where this whole sidebar should have ended, but then I was forced to explain S & M and bondage to my little brother, who was persistent on the topic, and who kept staring at me with mounting horror when I finally /did/ explain, and I realized I had maybe gone too far, and we had to spend the next five minutes swearing to God that I had never nor would I ever attempt to do anything like that. He might now be the only nine-year-old who has heard the terms "cock ring" and "fisting". My parenting skills are unparalleled. — T.J. Klune

It's funny - for a long time, I didn't know I was writing a book. I was writing stories. For me, each story took so long and took so much out of me, that when I finished it, I was like, Oh my gosh, I feel like I've poured everything from myself into this, and then I'd get depressed for a week. And then once I was ready to write a new story, I would want to write about something that was completely different, so I would search for a totally different character with a different set of circumstances. — Molly Antopol

I never really write the jokes. I just sit down over a week or two and try to figure out what I want to talk about. Once I narrow that down, then I start working on the material, like "How do I make this stuff funny?" — Chris Rock

We'll take care of the cooking, Gram, so you can relax." When he and Cat both looked at her, Emma blushed. "Okay, fine. Sean will take care of the grilling so you can relax."
"I was counting on it. And, Sean, why don't you sit down and help us settle on a wedding date."
"I told Emma to tell me when to be there and I'd be there."
"Nonsense. Sit down."
He'd rather be dipped in barbecue sauce and dropped in the desert, but he sat. One more week and it would be over.
Then he wouldn't have to think about Emma anymore. Not think about marrying her or having babies with her or holding her in his arms at night. He'd be gone and she'd be some funny story his brothers brought up sitting around the fire knocking back beer.
"Really, Sean, are you okay?" Cat asked him, putting her hand on his arm.
He realized he'd been rubbing his chest, and he forced himself to lean forward and prop his arms on the table so he wouldn't do it again. "I'm fine. Let's pick a date. — Shannon Stacey

I was the female lead in a romantic comedy. It's a little indie film that we shot in China called 'America Town,' starring Daniel Henney and Bill Paxton. I actually had to speak Chinese in the film. It was funny because I found out I was doing the film and then a week later, I was in Shanghai. — Eliza Coupe

His eyes were growing darker. They dipped to her lips. "Make any dirty cupcakes this week?"
"Yes. Two orders."
"What flavors?"
"No."
"No?"
"I don't want to tell you." She totally wanted to tell him. She wanted to watch his eyes go darker when she said the dirty words. And she wanted him to keep touching her cheek. And then touch her in other places. "You should stop."
"Probably. — Jamie Farrell

Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy. — Noel Fielding

I called the bartender, told him to bring me another beer. I sat there drinking it, and forgetting Earl Walker. It was funny, though, you live with something for part of a week, night and day. You let it fill your mind, and you find weak places in the investigation done ahead of you. It becomes a challenge. There are a lot of questions that need answers. They beat at you, insisting you find the answers, and find out why the cops ahead of you overlooked them. Tino Gonsmart. Ziggy. Too much sense to talk about Ruby. And — Harry Whittington

Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed ... into my mouth. — Louis C.K.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely. — Rodney Dangerfield

Dogs are animals that poop in public and you're supposed to pick it up. After a week of doing this, you've got to ask yourself, "Who's the real master in this relationship?" — Anthony Griffin

I turned around to see Jim standing in the aisle with a smirk and a box of tampons in his hand.
Very funny asshole. Looks like you're on the rag this week. Make sure to get yourself some Midol and a copy of Terms of Endearment so you can have yourself a good cry. — Tara Sivec

Which is why I'd like to tip off law enforcement to an even larger child-abusing religious cult. Its leader also has a compound. And this guy not only operates outside the bounds of the law, but he used to be a Nazi and he wears funny hats. That's right. The pope is coming to America this week, and, ladies, he's single! — Bill Maher

Instead of the calendrical terms Monday, Tuesday and so forth, we cheerfully offer the following surrogates. Use them freely and often, for their use honors us all. For Sunday, please use Sunshine. For Monday. pleasy use Monty. For Tuesday, please use Toes. For Wednesday, please use Wetty. For Thursday, please use Thurby. For Friday, please use Fribs. For Saturday, please use Satto-gatto. — Mark Dunn

[The maid] went on and on about how you and three casks of wine and three women spent the week before our wedding trying to...you know"--Adrienne muttered an unintelligible word--"your brains out."
"To what my brains out?"
"You know." Adrienne rolled her eyes.
"I'm afraid I don't. What was that word again?"
"Adrienne looked at him sharply. Was he teasing her? Were his eyes alight with mischief? That half-smile curving his beautiful mouth could absolutely melt the sheet she was clutching, not to mention her will. "Apparently one of them succeeded, because if you had any brains left you'd get out of my sight now," she snapped.
"It wasn't three." Hawk swallowed a laugh.
"No?"
"It was five."
"Adrienne's jaw clenched. She held her fingers up again. "Fourth--this will be a marriage in name only. Period."
"Casks of wine, I meant."
"You are not funny. — Karen Marie Moning

Is that the biggest favor your vocal cords have done to anyone this week? — Pawan Mishra

I survived a divorce, no children and come to Paris three days per week. My cat ran away on a love adventure; don't know when he will be back. — Tionne Rogers

Seahawks beat Cardinals, 58-0. If Patriots beat Texans, 58-0, it will be first time in NFL history there were two 58-0 games in same week. — Norman Chad

I have not had so good of a week. Well, monday was a pretty good day, if you don't count Hamburger Surprise at lunch and Margaret's mother coming to get her. Or the stuff that happened in the principal's office when I got sent there to explain that Margaret's hair was not my fault and besides she looks okay without it, but I couldn't because Principal Rice was gone, trying to calm down Margaret's mother. Someone should tell you not to answer the phone in the principal's office, if that's a rule. Okay, fine, Monday was not so good of a day. — Sara Pennypacker

It's so funny because if you tweet your lyrics and then you hear it in a song next week, you're like, 'Hey I had that same idea.' I'm very secretive with my music. We have to send emails password protected. Because once that song gets out, you aren't selling that thing. — Ester Dean

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance. — Rodney Dangerfield

CONFESSION NO. 1 Most women find the bloating, cramping, and bitchiness of PMS bothersome at worst. I turn into a monster a week before my period ... literally.
— Ronda Thompson

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?" — Frank Carson

If you have time for just three status updates a week, make one promotional, one funny or interesting (containing a picture or video) and one promoting somebody else. — David P. Perlmutter

I like the idea of being out there regularly with an audience and with a funny gang of people. That's what I grew up with - doing television, doing shows every week. — Eric Idle

Again, this week as I walked on Broadway, in front of giant photographs of voluptuous supermodels at a Victoria Secret mega-store, who was rebuilding the sidewalks? With sweaty headbands, ripped-up jeans, and dust on their brown faces? Their muscled hands quivered as they worked the jack-hammers and lugged the concrete chunks into dump trucks. Two men from Guanajuato. Undocumented workers. They both shook my hand vigorously, as if they were relieved I wasn't an INS officer.
I imagined how much money Victoria Secret was making off these poor bastards. I wondered why passersby didn't see what was in front of their faces. We use these workers. We profit from them. In the shadows, they work to the bone, for pennies. And it's so easy to blame them for everything and nothing simply because they are powerless, and dark-skinned,and speak with funny accents. Illegal is illegal. It is a phrase, shallow and cruel, that should prompt any decent American to burn with anger. — Sergio Troncoso

Sex does not enrich or deepen a relationship, it permanently cheapens and destabilises one. Everyone I know who is unfortunate enough to have a sex-mate, joy-partner, bed-friend, love-chum, call them what you will finds that
after a week or two of long blissful afternoons of making the beast with two backs, or the beast with one back and a funny shaped middle or the beast with legs splayed in the air and arms gripping the sides of the mattress
the day dawns when Partner A is keen for more swinking, grinding, and sweating and Partner B would rather turn over and catch up with Jeeves and Bertie. — Stephen Fry

I was just turned last week. I'm a librarian."
He stilled, as if I'd just told him I was the inventor of the tube top. "I watched a movie about a librarian once. Well, she was a librarian by day, a call girl by
"
I stopped him with a quick lift of an eyebrow. "If you finish that sentence, we cannot be friends. — Molly Harper

When I play discos in Belfast or freshers' week in Oxford, there are 1,800 kids dressed as me. It's odd, it's funny, and it pays really well. — David Hasselhoff

R.F. JACKABY
INVESTIGATIVE SERVICES
ASSISTANT WANTED
-$8 PER WEEK-
Must be literate and possess a keen intellect and open mind.
Strong stomach preferred.
Inquire at 926 Augur Lane.
Do not stare at the frog. — William Ritter

You know a guy is funny when a week later you can still feel the little knives he stuck in you. — Katherine Applegate

I would say 80% of the scripts I get are dramas and not comedies or romantic comedies, which is funny because that's what I do every week. — Eva Longoria

I can go for a week without a guitar, but it's not even funny if I don't get to surf for a month. — Jack Johnson

It was funny how you could still know little things about people, like where they kept their tin, even though you didn't know what they were thinking from one week to the next. — Nick Hornby

Thank God she wasn't wearing shorts. She hadn't shaved her legs in a week, theorizing that October in the mountains was pretty darn cold and she might need the extra layer of insulation. — Victoria Dahl

There's not a single job in this town. There's nothin', nada, zip. Unless you wanna workforty hours a week. — Jeff Daniels

I think it's funny because on 'Glee Project,' there's that added pressure, but with 'Glee,' there's no element of competition. No one's trying to dance better than anyone. But there's that added pressure of, 'So many people are going to watch 'Glee' this week. If I don't nail this dance, I look like an idiot.' — Samuel Larsen

Listen, I'd rather lie naked in a plowed field under an incontinent horse for a week than have to read that paragraph again! — Diane Ackerman

Since the goal of my programs is to show audiences how humor can both help them heal as well as deal with not-so-funny stuff, I decided to discuss the events of the previous week, the pain all of us were feeling, and how humor and some laughter might be beneficial. — Allen Klein

I'm just going to be honest with you, it's hard to go out there and fight for 60 minutes when you're fighting throughout the week to make it through one practice. I'm not the only one. I'm just the only one that's man enough to stand up here and talk to y'all. It's obviously, in my opinion, an issue in our starts. — Cary Williams

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week. — Lewis Black

I think adults must get sort of worn away over time, like rocks out at sea, but remain who they are, just slower and grayer with those funny vertical wrinkles in front of their ears. But the young are a different shape from one week to the next. To know us is to run alongside us, like someone trying to shout through the window of a moving train. — Eve Chase

The short version is that I started an internet diary a long, long time ago (six years!) because I was bored with my job. I figured I would write a few funny things a few times a week until I had enough material to do stand-up. After two or three weeks, I emailed it to some friends. They emailed it to other friends, and more people started reading. Eventually, I realized that stand-up was scary and it would be much easier to just keep writing this stuff at work. — Jason Mulgrew