The Dude Jesus Quotes & Sayings

He gave Evan a glance. "Unless you want to do something else."
"That's a line? Seriously?"
"I have to use lines now? We share a mortgage, dude. Get upstairs, take a shower, and come to bed naked. Jesus. — Tere Michaels

Jesus, dude could suck the orange off a carrot. A big, long carrot. — K.A. Mitchell

No. Look, the mutual tug paid extra." Dante mimed jerking and squirting without looking embarrassed, which only made Griff more embarrassed. "And the
stuff you did at the end bumped our fee even - "
"I know, man. Sorry about - "
" - more. Bullshit, sorry! Blowing your jazz on me got us a three hundred dollar bonus. Didja know that?" Dante rolled his eyes and waved away the worry.
"Dude, if I could get a fee every time you squirted on me, I'd camp under your bed and have you doing it three times a day."
Help me, Jesus.
Griff's eyes honest-to-God bugged at that. — Damon Suede

Jesus. We got it, dude!" Aiden says. "We all know we're Donavans. We don't need a formal adoption process or the official name change to tell us that. It's a given. Just take the vote, Shane. — K. Bromberg

Cooper came back down to the darkened room about half an hour after Lucky had freed his hands. The boat was still rocking, the wind was blowing and Sawyer called out, Dude, you can't leave the boat on auto-pilot in this kind of weather. Jesus is not here to take the wheel. — SE Jakes Bound To Break

Jesus Christ, will you quit dictating this conversation to Hannah?' I grumble. 'Bros before hos, dude.'
'Call my girlfriend a ho one more time and you won't have a bro. — Elle Kennedy

I'm not a dogmatic Christian and I don't believe in the Bible literally, but I realized that Jesus is basically a very Zen dude. — Weyes Blood

Jesus waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I died yesterday!" and they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude ... " and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like "Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro ... " And he's not gonna come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, three. Plus it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already, and they're all in there like "Oh no, Jesus is dead", and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. That's why we wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait ... True story. — Barney Stinson

I realized we had created a Jesus who's safe for the whole family. But if we were honest, we'd ask, how is a homeless dude who was murdered on a cross for saying he was God safe for the whole family? Not to mention that Paul told us if we choose to follow his example as a follower of Jesus, we will be treated the way that he was. — Jefferson Bethke

Remember when Jesus was hanging out with that one dude that kept messing up his life with sin and Jesus was like "You are a dumb sinner, I am totally going to judge you!"

Yeah, me neither. I wonder sometimes if all Christians are really reading the same Bible. — Jonathan Welton

I guess like my good buddy Jesus said "it really is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle dude, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God, so go for it, YOLO. — Cristian Matheson

As a child abuse and neglect therapist I do battle daily with Christians enamored of the Old Testament phrase "Spare the rod and spoil the child." No matter how far I stretch my imagination, it does not stretch far enough to include the image of a cool dude like Jesus taking a rod to a kid. — Chris Crutcher

If you go to the Rijksmuseum, which I really wanted to do- but who are we kidding, neither of us can walk through a museum. But anyway, I looked at the collection online before we left. If you were to go, and hopefully someday you will, you would see a lot of paintings of dead people. You'd see Jesus on the cross, and you'd see a dude getting stabbed in the neck, and you'd see people dying at sea and in battle and a parade of martyrs. But Nor. One. Single. Cancer. Kid. Nobody biting it from the plague or smallpox or yellow fever or whatever, because there's no gory in illness. there is no meaning to it. There is no honour of dying of — John Green

Do you want to be saved?" I asked.
Keri cocked an eyebrow. "Like Jesus?"
"Like Lancelot."
"I hang my hair out the window every night, waiting for some dude to climb up. — Aaron Starmer

And God was like, "It's not a tumor. That's your appendix. Appendixes go at the end. Read a book, dude." Then Adam was all, "Really? Because I don't want to second-guess you but it seems like a design flaw. Also that snake in the garden told me it doesn't even do anything." And God shook his head and muttered, "Jesus, that fucking snake is like TMZ." And then Adam was like, "Who's Jesus?" and God said, "No one yet. It's just an idea I'm throwing around." And — Jenny Lawson

The week that the gospel text was that awesomely weird story of Jesus casting a legion of demons out of a naked dude and into a herd of pigs, pigs who then threw themselves over a cliff and drowned in a lake? My pastor friend Heather posted the following question on my Facebook wall: Dear Pastor Nadia: how can I get on board with Jesus when so much pork was wasted in the lake? Signed: a bacon-loving Christian. — Nadia Bolz-Weber

In Celtic Ireland the name Leo was Lugh, another solar hero and mystic. In Wales he was Llew, to the Romans Lugus, to the Sumerians Lughal. Its not the same dude on walkabout, it's the Astrological sign of Leo. In the Christian iconography we have one of the Evangelists represented by a Lion. In the Nativity scenes we see 4 animals around the cradle of the Son/Sun king. One of these is also a Lion. Christians probably believe that there was one in the area and just happened to wander into the inn to take a peek at sleeping Jesus. Good thing it wasn't very hungry. — Michael Tsarion