The Colbert Report Quotes & Sayings

For my wife Mary Corliss and me, 'Colbert' has been destination viewing. Even in the early years, we never took the show's excellence for granted, agreeing that someday we'd look back on the double whammy of 'The Daily Show' and 'The Colbert Report' as the golden age of TV's singeing singing satire. — Richard Corliss

I was asked to be on 'The Colbert Report' last year as Big Bird and Oscar. But when we got there, we discovered they wanted both characters on at the same time. Stephen Colbert didn't know one man plays them both. We called Joey Mazzarino, our head writer, who's a very good puppeteer as well. He agreed to zip over and do Oscar. — Caroll Spinney

Expose widespread waste and duplication in federal spending. — Tom Coburn

The only creatures that are evolved enough to convey pure love are dogs and infants. — Johnny Depp

Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state
that makes people want to flee the Earth?"
- Stephen Colbert to Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones,
"The Colbert Report," November 3, 2005 — Stephen Colbert

Always remember, when opportunity knocks, don't knock opportunity! Kiran Mazumdar-Shaw — Jack Canfield

I spent the next fifteen minutes convincing a crying werewolf that I wasn't going to hurt her. My life was getting too strange, even for me. — Laurell K. Hamilton

Stephen Colbert , whose "The Colbert Report" show ended its run on Comedy Central last week, might be off the airwaves temporarily - but he's back on the walls of the National Portrait Gallery. Friday, the gallery put up a new portrait of the comedian in a spot befitting the host: near some public bathrooms, just above a water fountain. — Anonymous

Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding. — Stephen Colbert

Both 'The Daily Show' and 'The Colbert Report,' you're working with the best. When you work with the best, you have to raise your game. If you're working with people who are sub par, you're not forced to give 100 percent because you can get by on 80 percent. — Nate Corddry

Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it "The No Fact Zone." Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term. — Stephen Colbert

I still can't believe that I went on 'The Colbert Report' myself; for the appearance I wore a lot of makeup, my hair was curled like a poodle's, and I could barely breathe in my Spanx undergarments. But, hey - an authoress has to lean in, right? — Edan Lepucki

In a world divided by chimpophiles and bonobophiles, we all had a good laugh when Stephen peeled his banana. (62) — Frans De Waal

There can be no failure to a man who has not lost his courage, his character, his self respect, or his self-confidence. He is still a King. — Orison Swett Marden

F**k them is what I say. I hate those ebooks. They can not be the future. They may well be. I will be dead. I won't give a s**t. — Maurice Sendak

If I've learned anything in life, it's that it doesn't help to sit and play a situation over and over again in your head. You can't change the past, but you can shape the future with the right now. — Brittainy C. Cherry

I report, I decide. — Stephen Colbert

Coleridge declares that a man cannot have a good conscience who refuses apple dumplings, and I confess that I am of the same opinion. — Charles Lamb

People are watching TV, they're watching some clips on their iPhone. I mean, some folks are sitting there on the iPhone, watching the Colbert Report, and meanwhile there's a huge plasma TV right in front of them that they could be watching it on. — Biz Stone

I'm a huge 'Game of Thrones' fan. I'm really into the 'Colbert Report' and 'Last Week Tonight.' And I really like to get on Netflix and watch, like, TV documentaries about: What happened to the mastodon? Or who was Jack the Ripper? — Scott Michael Foster

The French, unfortunately, actually believe what they say, and that has been very destructive. — Paul Krugman

I recognize that I'm probably the luckiest novelist in recent memory, because Sherman Alexie, a writer I greatly admire, raved about my book on 'The Colbert Report,' and then Mr. Colbert himself urged his viewers to buy it - on his show and on Twitter. — Edan Lepucki

There are a lot of people who say that bombing cannot win the war. My reply to that is that it has never been tried ... and we shall see. — Sir Arthur Harris, 1st Baronet

Eric's ass is so loose it sounds like wind blowing over a cave entrance when he walks. — T.J. Klune

They [left-wingers] willy-nilly throw around the accusation of Nazism and comparisons to Hitler whenever confronted by any opposition, yet they are today's Nazis in their determination to shut down by threats or violence free speech and assembly. — Steve McCann