Suicide Humor Quotes & Sayings

I rummaged through the drawers in search of a strong poison. I thought of nothing as I looked; I had to get it over with as quickly as possible. It was as if it were an everyday task I needed to do.
All I could find were things of no use to me: buttons, string, thread of various colors, notebooks - all strongly redolent of naphthalene and none capable of causing a man's death. Buttons, thread, and string - that is what the world contained at this most tragic of moments. — Max Blecher

And LO and BEHOLD, I was on BOTH the six AND eleven o'clock newscasts!
AND all the commercials, as well! ('Day of the drag queen at one area high school, controversy at six!')
And it must have been a slow night because I was the SECOND PIECE of the night! The granny suicide bomber got the lead. BITCH! But I managed to beat out the president's pulled groin and day six of the Jessica Simpson chapped-lip crisis! — James St. James

Instead of committing suicide, people go to work. — Thomas Bernhard

When someone detonates a suicide bomb, that person does not have career prospects. — P. J. O'Rourke

Women, can't live with them, can't murder/suicide without them — Josh Stern

HELENA. What a fine day! Not too hot. [A pause.]

VOITSKI. A fine day to hang oneself. — Anton Chekhov

You seem to know a lot about it," she said. "And you do subtleties."
"Yeah. Like I've always wanted to destroy the Nine Worlds while committing suicide."
"Well, there's no need to be rude," protested Sif. — Joanne Harris

They watched the rain and downed their Cokes like a pair of diabetics in a suicide pact. — Paco Ignacio Taibo II

( ... ) my money guy Richard is going without a tie now, like a politician who wants to appeal to the suffering common man (or perhaps every morning his firm takes the ties and shoelaces away from the brokers and financial planners to keep them from offing themselves) — Jess Walter

I feel like getting married, or committing suicide, or subscribing to L'Illustration. Something desperate, you know. — Albert Camus

Because ... most of us think that the point is something to do with work, or kids, or family, or whatever. But you don't have any of that. There's nothing between you and despair, and you don't seem a very desperate person.'
'Too stupid.'
'You're not stupid. So why don't you ever put your head in the oven?'
'I don't know. There's always a new Nirvana album to look forward to, or something happening in NYPD Blue to make you want to watch the next episode.'
'Exactly.'
'That's the point? NYPD Blue? Jesus.' It was worse than he thought.
'No, no. The point is you keep going. You want to. So all the things that make you want to are the point. I don't know if you even realize it, but on the quiet you don't think life's too bad. You love things. Telly. Music. Food. — Nick Hornby

I would have killed myself years ago if it weren't for the fact that I'm pretty sure death is the only thing more terrible than life. — Alex Sargeant

She's the princess. She commanded and I obeyed!"-Loki
"You don't obey a suicide mission!"-Finn — Amanda Hocking

Talking of suicide, it is perhaps noteworthy that both of Dostoievsky's characters kill themselves: Stavrogin out of indifference and self disgust; Kirilov, after years of planning the gesture, in order to demonstrate to mankind that there is no God and that men are free to do as they please. My suicide will be less didactic. — Nanavira Thera

If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide. — Mahatma Gandhi

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? — Steven Wright

She was what we used to call a suicide blonde
dyed by her own hand. — Saul Bellow

It was ironic, really - you want to die because you can't be bothered to go on living - but then you're expected to get all energetic and move furniture and stand on chairs and hoist ropes and do complicated knots and attach things to other things and kick stools from under you and mess around with hot baths and razor blades and extension cords and electrical appliances and weedkiller. Suicide was a complicated, demanding business, often involving visits to hardware shops.
And if you've managed to drag yourself from the bed and go down the road to the garden center or the drug store, by then the worst is over. At that point you might as well just go to work. — Marian Keyes

How did you get out of the suicide door?" Her disbelief was a living, pettable thing.
"Magic."
Her eyes narrowed. "There is no magic."
"Maybe not for you. But I'm from out of town. — Dia Reeves

Part of her doing suicide intervention is my caseworker has to mix me another gin and tonic. — Chuck Palahniuk

I am so stupid, so easily fooled. It's really almost funny. If I could lift a finger I would gladly kill myself. — Will Christopher Baer

I've committed to nothing ... and that's just suicide ... by tiny, tiny increments. — Nick Hornby

It's very hard not to commit cancer suicide in America. — Jonathan Ames

Okay but he has a case for you," she said again, her voice singsong.
"Don't care."
"It's right up your alley. There's been a rash of suicide notes."
"That's not right up my alley. That's, like, two blocks over from my alley. — Darynda Jones

Cult Mother- Now what does your spirit animal say to you?
Thugs- Uhm...Uh...
-King Shark smashes through the roof-
King Shark- Hi. My name is Trixie. I like to party. — Adam Glass

I've always had these fantasies about being in a normal family in which the parents come to town and their adult daughter spends their entire visit daydreaming of suicide. I'm here to tell you that dreams really do come true. — Sarah Vowell

The suicide bombings have increased. There's too many of them. — George W. Bush

One often hears of suicide pacts. It seems to me a wonderful solution, like going on a long holiday. We could sit and talk one night perhaps, and sip our glasses of milk, and maybe we should wake up in a trouble-free world. I'd propose it this very minute if I were sure you would keep the pact, but I fear that I may go ahead and you may change your mind at the last second.
'And have the responsibility of disposing of your body?' I said, which was the worst thing I could have said. — R.K. Narayan

Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to lose ... and when you revel in victory, make like it's a dirty win — Josh Stern

Yes Yes
when God created love he didn't help most
when God created dogs He didn't help dogs
when God created plants that was average
when God created hate we had a standard utility
when God created me He created me
when God created the monkey He was asleep
when He created the giraffe He was drunk
when He created narcotics He was high
and when He created suicide He was low
when He created you lying in bed
He knew what He was doing
He was drunk and He was high
and He created the mountains and the sea and fire at the same time
He made some mistakes
but when He created you lying in bed
He came all over His Blessed Universe. — Charles Bukowski

Anything that doesn't take years of your life and drive you to suicide hardly seems worth doing. — Cormac McCarthy

Someone bent on suicide won't have much sense of humor left. — Chuck Palahniuk

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance. — Rodney Dangerfield

6th grade. My dog, Katie, is hit by a car and killed. A mean girl during recess says it committed suicide because it didn't love me. I cry and swear revenge on mankind. — Eugene Mirman

A few of the savage creatures (rabids) I could deal with, but taking on this many ventured very close to suicide. Once was enough, thanks — Julie Kagawa

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building ... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done." — Steven Wright

Camus said there is only really one serious philosophical question, which is whether or not to commit suicide. I think there are four or five serious philosophical questions:
The first one is: Who started it?
The second is: Are we going to make it?
The third is: Where are we going to put it?
The fourth is: Who's going to clean up?
And the fifth: Is it serious?
Out Of Your Mind (2004), Audio lecture 1: The Nature of Consciousness: A Game That's Worth The Candle. — Alan W. Watts

I was busy perusing the suicide notes and waiting for Belvedere's water to finish its treatment when I heard a thud from Cookie's office. Then a mousy squeak. The a throaty moan.
"Cookie," I said, wiggling my fingers at Belvedere to get him acquainted to with our strange ways, "are you masturbating?"
"No, I got a paper cut."
Oh, I didn't see that coming. — Darynda Jones

It is customary, in England at least, for Coroners' courts to give the verdict 'Suicide while the balance of his mind was disturbed'. This insult automatically puts the victim in the wrong and reassures Society that all is for the best in the best of all possible worlds. Have you ever noticed that Socialist governments have a particular horror of the individual's suicide? It is a direct criticism of their basic tenets. — Nanavira Thera

The nails from a suicide's coffin, and the skull of the parricide, were of course no trouble; for Vesquit never traveled without these household requisites. — Aleister Crowley

Women are constantly trying to commit suicide for love, but generally they take care not to succeed. — W. Somerset Maugham

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights. — Anthony Jeselnik

Get real. They'll try to kill us no matter what. I can find out how to open the files from Mickey. You may be impressed with this genius shit but you should really find out what a mess his head is. The right drugs, he'll cut his own throat and forget why he's bleeding. That was an interesting choice of metaphor. — Dan Ahearn

Simple. I got very bored and depressed, so I went and plugged myself in to its external computer feed. I talked to the computer at great length and explained my view of the Universe to it," said Marvin.
"And what happened?" pressed Ford.
"It committed suicide," said Marvin and stalked off back to the Heart of Gold. — Douglas Adams

Now, I did know a certain young lady of the 'romantic' generation of not so long ago who, after being mysteriously in love for several years with a certain gentleman whom she could have married at any time without the least difficulty, suddenly broke off their relationship, inventing for herself all manner of insurmountable obstacles, and one stormy night plunged from a high, precipitous cliff into a fairly deep and fast-flowing river, where she perished from her own caprice solely through her attempt to imitate Shakespeare's Ophelia, for, had the precipice, which she had long before singled out and been compulsively drawn to, been less picturesque, and had there been only a prosaically flat bank in its stead, perhaps there would have been no suicide at all. — Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Woolies had a DVD sale on so I treated myself to a couple or five plus two CD's, one of which is The Smiths. It'll come in handy when my credit card statement hits the mat and I need something to listen to that's conducive to suicide. — Gillibran Brown

At all events, let us examine the position from the point of view of murder, not suicide."
"Oh, all right. If you are on the scene, it probably would be murder!"
For a moment Poirot smiled. "I hardly like that remark. — Agatha Christie

I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committing crimes and then getting on with their lives. What is really needed for public officials who shame themselves is ritual suicide. — George Carlin

Leontines were a tad on the possessive side, they didn't share space well, and they responded to an order as if it were a suicide wish and they were magic wands. — Michelle Sagara

Billions of years before twelve step groups, God committed shotgun suicide. Today wall scrapings share His gratitude stories. — Brian Spellman