Stanhope Quotes & Sayings

Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help. — Doug Stanhope

To have frequent recourse to narrative betrays great want of imagination. — Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl Of Chesterfield

Her eyes were celadon saucers but bottomless, of such great depth that she could take in the knowledge of whole worlds and have room in that gaze for still more. — Dean Koontz

Coward is the most misused word in our society. — Doug Stanhope

What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority ... — Doug Stanhope

Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met — Doug Stanhope

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, I'm not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way. — Doug Stanhope

I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?! — Doug Stanhope

I'm forty four; I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party. — Doug Stanhope

I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment. — Doug Stanhope

AA makes Scientology look credible, — Doug Stanhope

The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs. — Doug Stanhope

I'll defend child pornography, how about that? What's wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech? — Doug Stanhope

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps. — Doug Stanhope

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar. — Doug Stanhope

Listen to everything that is said, and see everything that is done. Observe the looks and countenances of those who speak, which is often a surer way of discovering the truth than from what they say. But then keep all those observations to yourself, for your own private use, and rarely communicate them to others. Observe, without being thought an observer, for otherwise people will be upon their guard before you. — Philip Dormer Stanhope

The mere brute pleasure of reading - the sort of pleasure a cow must have in grazing. — Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl Of Chesterfield

My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to tell me to do comedy before I even tried it. She was always up for any gag. — Doug Stanhope

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me. — Doug Stanhope

The more one works, the more willing one is to work. — Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl Of Chesterfield

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child. — Doug Stanhope

I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks. — Doug Stanhope

They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding. — Doug Stanhope

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job. — Doug Stanhope

[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools. — Doug Stanhope

You never hear in the news, 'Two hundred killed today when atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the agnostic stronghold in the north.' — Doug Stanhope

Any affectation whatsoever in dress implies, in my mind, a flaw in the understanding. — Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl Of Chesterfield

If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised? — Doug Stanhope

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it. — Doug Stanhope

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it's sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early. — Doug Stanhope

So, are you ... intrigued ... by Stanhope?" "Intrigued by him?" "Indeed. Do you find him ... " he paused. "Intriguing?" she teased. He sent her an exasperated look. — Sarah MacLean

I give my vote for Mr. Johnson to fill that great and arduous post. And I hereby declare that I make a total surrender of all my rights and privileges in the English language, as a freeborn British subject, to the said Mr. Johnson, during the term of his dictatorship. Nay more; I will not only obey him, like an old Roman, as my dictator, but, like a modern Roman, I will implicitly believe in him as my pope, and hold him to be infallible while in the chair; but no longer. — Philip Dormer Stanhope Chesterfield

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000. — Doug Stanhope

Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone. — Doug Stanhope

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention. — Doug Stanhope

The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease. — Doug Stanhope

The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not. — Doug Stanhope

I couldn't possibly explain why the common person would be against something like that. It's all rooted in sexual hang-ups. The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society. I don't know why anyone would want to get married heterosexually, so why they'd be against homosexual marriage is flummoxing. I only use that word when I'm talking to someone from the British press. — Doug Stanhope

You can never really, truly, understand discrimination unless you've been fuckin' ugly. Ugly people face as much, or more, discrimination than any fuckin' minority group, and they have none of the ... recourse ... You don't have any group that's going to come together and fight for your rights ... 'cause there's no unity among the ugly ... And ugly isn't even a minority! We're the fuckin' majority, and we still take the fuckin' backseat!
...
Any minority would rather be called the worst racial slur according to their group than pointed out as unattractive: someone calls you a nigger, a lot of people fuckin' bunch up around you and go 'what the fuck you say to him?!'; someone calls you dog-dick-fuckin'-ugly, you wear that all by yourself. — Doug Stanhope

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions. — Doug Stanhope

Pleasure is the rock which most young people split upon: they launch out with crowded sails in quest of it, but without a compass to direct their course, or reason sufficient to steer the vessel; for want of which, pain and shame, instead of pleasure, are the returns of their voyage. — Philip Dormer Stanhope

I watched 60 Minutes ... and they showed this woman, she's in every kind of..thing like that. 'This woman', they say, 'she lost her first four children
died from malnutrition
and, now, she's afraid that her new six-month-old newborn twins will suffer the same fate' ... Who's going to step in and say ... 'kick her in the cunt 'til it doesn't work', 'that woman is a sociopath! that is a sick human being!' ... How much of a sociopath do you need to be? That is the slow ritual torture-murder of children, one after another! At what point does cause-and-effect not kick in? How many bulb-headed skeletons have to go stiff in your arms?! ... 'what? this one's not working ... oh, well let's try again', one after another. At what point do you not go 'I think this is bad'? ... How many kids are you going to fuckin' kill, lady? ... If you impregnate someone under those conditions, they should abort the parents! that's sick! — Doug Stanhope

I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, Gay pride, white power! just to confuse people. — Doug Stanhope

However it happened, you are my wife and I am grateful. I look at you and I know you were worth waiting for.
- Sebastian Stanhope — Diana Quincy

The world is a country which nobody ever yet knew by description; one must travel through it one's self to be acquainted with it. — Philip Dormer Stanhope

The more business gets involved, the less fun it is. — Doug Stanhope

Swift speedy time, feathered with flying hours, Dissolves the beauty of the fairest brow. — Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl Of Chesterfield

I will thank you to stay out of my affairs. Or need I remind you that it is not Stanhope whom I'e had to be wary of on balconies recently? — Sarah MacLean

Secret thoughts and an open countenance will take you safely the world over — Philip Dormer Stanhope

The ones that bother me the most are the media saying, He's like the next Bill Hicks. It's supposed to be complimentary, but then all these Bill Hicks fans show up thinking you're going to be like him, and then go, You're no Bill Hicks. And I'm like, I never wanted to try to be like him, I don't think I'm anything like him at all, and now you're mad at me for not being him because a journalist didn't have a better reference. — Doug Stanhope

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny. — Doug Stanhope

Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism. — Doug Stanhope

Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years? — Doug Stanhope

Your instinct is your true god. Follow it. — Doug Stanhope

I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here. — Doug Stanhope

Sex is free fun for poor people. — Doug Stanhope

I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't just go out and sell it for what it's worth, we're holding out for so much more! — Doug Stanhope

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive. — Doug Stanhope

Controversial issues are always more interesting but I don't create material about a subject I have opinion on just because it's controversial. The most fun is having a point of view that the audience is generally against and presenting an argument that challenges their thinking. — Doug Stanhope

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke? — Doug Stanhope

There are some occasions in which a man must tell half his secret, in order to conceal the rest; but there is seldom one in which a man should tell all. Great skill is necessary to know how far to go, and where to stop. — Doug Stanhope

There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit. — Doug Stanhope

I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals. — Doug Stanhope

Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons. — Doug Stanhope

If you start to smell some of the shit, you start smelling all of the shit — Doug Stanhope

Idleness is only the refuge of weak
minds, and the holiday of fools. — Philip Dormer Stanhope

It is a great advantage for any man to be able to talk or hear, neither ignorantly nor absurdly, upon any subject; for I have known people, who have not said one word, hear ignorantly and absurdly; it has appeared by their inattentive and unmeaning faces. — Doug Stanhope

I recommend to you to take care of the minutes; for hours will take care of themselves. I am very sure, that many people lose two or three hours every day, by not taking care of the minutes. — Philip Dormer Stanhope

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead. — Doug Stanhope

I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, "Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!" — Doug Stanhope

A weak mind is like a microscope, which magnifies trifling things, but cannot receive great ones. — Philip Dormer Stanhope

Common sense (which, in truth, is very uncommon) is the best sense I know of: abide by it; it will counsel you best. — Philip Dormer Stanhope

A poor gentlewoman, doctor, is the worst thing in the world — Lady Hester Lucy Stanhope

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable. — Doug Stanhope

High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography. — Doug Stanhope

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes. — Doug Stanhope

I am here, Bella. Let me cherish you as you deserve.
- Sebastian Stanhope — Diana Quincy

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny? — Doug Stanhope

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist. — Doug Stanhope

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA. — Doug Stanhope

People hate people just cause they want someone different to hate. — Doug Stanhope

Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing. — Doug Stanhope

Let blockheads read what blockheads wrote. — Philip Dormer Stanhope

I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't. — Doug Stanhope

If you have an hour, will you not improve that hour, instead of idling it away? — Philip Dormer Stanhope

I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better. — Doug Stanhope

We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar. — Doug Stanhope

How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That's all America is: a government. There's no such thing as 'we're Americans.' That's just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You're not an American. You're a guy, you're a person, you're an individual. — Doug Stanhope

"This is Lakshmi Singh." It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth. — Doug Stanhope

We are really so prejudiced by our educations, that, as the ancients deified their heroes, we deify their madmen. — Philip Dormer Stanhope

But here's the thing Ona. Howard wrote that song for you.' Quinn had never been more sure of anything. 'I think he wrote all his songs for you, Ona, for young and lovely you.'
'Now you're talking foolish.'
'He wrote them for you, and you refused them because he didn't know how to give them to you.' How could he, living his shadow of a life, floundering in the sludge of grief and failure?
'Have you been drinking?'
'Listen to me,' he said. 'You 're the glittering girl with the cherry-wood hair. You're the angel's breath and sunlight.'
'Oh, for heaven's sake.' She sat up crossly, her tufted hair seeming to quiver. 'Quinn Porter,' she said, 'I never took you for a romantic.'
'Howard Stanhope loved you,' he declared. 'I thought you should know.'
'Well, all right.'
'I thought you should know, Ona.'
'Thank you.'
'People should know these things — Monica Wood

Honest error is to be pitied not ridiculed. — Philip Dormer Stanhope

I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later! — Doug Stanhope

To love, to be loved, and to be useful: these are the most important elements in a happy, meaningful life, and they can be achieved anywhere. — Syrie James

The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about. — Doug Stanhope

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party. — Doug Stanhope

When a person is in fashion, all they do is right. — Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl Of Chesterfield

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic. — Doug Stanhope

If I was a freak of nature ... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall. — Doug Stanhope

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk? — Doug Stanhope