Southern Humor Quotes & Sayings

{Summertime she speaks of winter, she eats ham, but speaks of beef, got a good man but, flirts with another. She might as well go to hell, cause she ain't gonna be happy in heaven either!} — Nancy B. Brewer

...Southern women are impossible to live with because they will never find a man who treats them like their daddy did. — Maryln Schwartz

If you are the type who truly longs to be a Southern Belle at all times, regardless of taking twice the space available in bus, subway or elsewhere, you had best remove yourself to a large estate replete with servants. — Elizabeth Hawes

I'll have you know Southern isn't a synonym for stupid. — Janice Lane Palko

By the standards of a tourist strolling past looking for a quick lunch, the place was a dive. The sign on the window was small and easy to miss, and the antique feel of the place wasn't the prepackaged, old-shit-on-the-wall nostalgia that came with so many chain restaurants. The cafe was just old, and everything about it said old. But Jon liked it that way, if only because it kept the tourists away and spared him from hearing imported ignorance when there was plenty of local ignorance to go around. — Scott B. Pruden

I'd sooner wear white shoes in February, drink unsweetened tea, and eat Miracle Whip instead of Duke's than utter the words 'you guys'. — Celia Rivenbark

So you're lying to me again?" "It's a Southern tradition." "Are there any crocs in the water?" "I done told you there ain't no crocodiles around here." "What's the difference?" "Mostly the spelling, ... — Nick Wilgus

Why, aren't you just about as sweet as syrup on a sundae? I sure would appreciate that, ma'am." He winked. "How'd you like ta stroll the deck of this fine ship with me and watch the sunset? I need a purty girl to put her arm around me and steady this bow-legged cowboy as he finds his sea legs." I raised an eyebrow and affected a southern accent. "Why, I think you're a pullin' my leg there, Texas. You've had your sea legs a lot longer than I have." He rubbed the stubble on his face. "You might be right at that. Well then, how about you taggin' along to keep me warm?" "It's about eighty degrees." "Shoot, you're a smart one, you are. Then how 'bout I jes say that a feller can get pretty lonesome by hisself in a strange country and he'd like to keep compn'y with you fer a while longer. — Colleen Houck

A SASSY SOUTHERN FEMALE CAN WRITE A LOVE STORY AS WELL AS A MALE...IF Y'ALL GET MY DRIFT. — Lola Faye Arnold

I tried not to laugh. I thought about how my Southern Baptist friends would respond to the suggestion that their entire denomination was making people gay. — Justin Lee

It was this feminine conspiracy which made Southern society so pleasant. Women knew that a land where men were contented, uncontradicted ans safe in possession of unpunctured vanity was likely to be a very pleasant place for women to live. So, from the cradle to the grave, women strove to make men pleased with themselves, and the satisfied men repaid lavishly with gallantry and adoration. In fact, men willingly gave ladies everything in the world except credit for having intelligence. — Margaret Mitchell

The decor was attractive and strong, but blander than she would have thought his wealth and position afforded him. Caren couldn't see the point of having that much money if all of it led to beige. — Attica Locke

Easy for you to say," Polly said. "You've lived here all your life and stayed under the radar. No one points at you."
"Sometimes small children point at my butt," Aunt Rhea said. "But that's just on account of all the fried chicken. — Kathy Hepinstall

Southern hospitality and Amish cooking - Ya'll Come Back, Danki. — Karen Harper

The ultimate downfall of the computerized holographic receptionist was that there was no amount of flattery, flirtation or chocolate that could convince one to lie for you. — Scott B. Pruden

Southern Mamas are known for being subtle, like a freight train. — Shellie Rushing Tomlinson

Keep your southern fried bullshit to yourself. And know this, Charlie is the sweetest girl I've ever met and if you hurt her, or infect her with some kind of disease, you will die. Slowly. — Eve Dangerfield

Are you still working on that bucket list of yours?"
Amelia nodded.
"As I remember, you mentioned a few things for Ireland." He smiled with humor lacing his eyes as he said, "Like kissing the Blarney Stone at Blarney Castle."
She laughed as she opened her brochure of things to do in southern Ireland. "You've got a good memory." Amelia pointed to a picture of a beautiful garden full of flowers. "I want to visit the Blarney Gardens, too."
He pointed to another picture and said, "How about the Blarney dungeons? That looks awesome to explore."
She looked up at him and smiled. "Yeah. I've also been interested in listening to a live Irish concert. — Linda Weaver Clarke

The Kerguelen Islands in the southern Indian Ocean are a six-day boat ride from Madagascar, and their only inhabitants are French scientists. — Cary McNeal

The first thing the therapist asked me was, 'Are you here because you're depressed?' I said, 'Not at all--I'm here because I'm Southern.'" Anne Herndon — Maryln Schwartz

Cal opened another cabinet and removed a bottle of anti-inflammatory tablets, placing them on the table in front of her along with the ice pack he snagged from the freezer.
She glanced at him, suspicious. "What's this?"
"The drug I offer to all of my victims to make them more compliant. It's ibuprofen," he said when she glared at him. "It'll help with the pain and hopefully keep the swelling down. As will the ice. Do you need help taking your boots off?"
"So that it'll be more difficult for me to run away when you bring out your collection of shrunken human heads?"
"Now you're catching on. — Lisa Clark O'Neill

We had a citywide emergency on our hands, as there is no greater affliction for the southern mind than people up north coming down to fix our way of life. — Sue Monk Kidd

I could not imagine the kind of person that would, upon seeing a crazy talcum-powder-covered Southern lady think to herself, Hmmmm, she might make a great new friend. The line between normal and crazy seemed impossibly thin. — Augusten Burroughs

So where were we?"
"I was stepping back," he says, "and you were chastising me for it."
I chuckle. "Ah yes. So, shall I take matters into my own hands, or do you have the proper tool for the job?" I kiss his palm and then glance down at the lump in his towel.
"Well, miss." His voice has a slight southern twang. "A skilled lawman knows how to choose the right tool for the job, and that - " He motions with his head, " - is not the one I plan to use right now. Sorry to disappoint."
"I hate it when you get cocky. — D.L. Orton

What I knew for sure was that he had a quick temper, a cocky attitude, and a southern accent ... Apparently he also has a pet cougar. — Stacy Mantle

I reckon Southern writers are a lot like biscuit makers...more than one can give ya a good feed. — Lola Faye Arnold

Anybody who has survived his childhood has enough information about life to last him the rest of his days. — Flannery O'Connor

Texas humor and Southern humor are pretty similar. — Daniel Woodrell

Nothing helps your partner keep his mind on Jesus more than having a sign of His love tanned on your primary erogenous zones. — Scott B. Pruden

The children start school now in August. They say it has to do with air-conditioning, but I know sadism when I see it. — Rick Bragg

This is a Southern gift, isn't it - tremendous self-regard diluted with humor and modesty. That's what they mean by Southern charm, right? — Michael Cunningham

I will never apologize for my Southern accent...it just may be my greatest asset. — Lola Faye Arnold

People may think of Southern humor in terms of missing teeth and outhouse accidents, but the best of it is a rich vein running through the best of Southern literature. — Roy Blount Jr.

Total non-retention has kept my education from being a burden to me. — Flannery O'Connor

I'm a Kansan by residence, a Missourian by employment, a Louisianan by birth, Southern by the grace of God, and a Tybee Islander at heart. — Dick Peterson

Oh that's right, you never lie unless your mouth is open and words are coming out of it — Joshilyn Jackson

That's right honey...It's much easier to follow the bitch than it is to follow the saint. — Maryln Schwartz

What's causin' all this? — Ric Flair

If John Grisham, Harper Lee, and Larry the Cable Guy were penned up in a remote cabin for a weekend with nothing but good bourbon, fine wine, and a couple of cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, something like Common Pleas (A Tale of Whoa!) might result... — J. Randolph Cresenzo

Bein' rich is having leftovers. Good leftovers make yo' tongue fly outta yo' mouth and smack yo' brains out. — Paula H. Deen

At 2:00 sharp on the afternoon of his internment, with his body resting in a casket in the front room of his home, the pallbearers--all bridge players--stuck a deck of cards in Mr. Hampton's cold hands, shut the lid over his head, and played bridge. — Brenda Sutton Rose

I'm from southern Arelon, Princess," Ahan said, reaching for some more clams. "To us, round is beautiful. Not everyone wants their women to look like starving schoolboys. — Brandon Sanderson

If there were a Mount Rushmore of American humor, Terry Southern would be the mountain they'd carve it from — Michael O'Donoghue

I braced myself for something wise and useful. Dink, like most Bubbas, could be quite insightful and kind when you least expected it.
"Always remember one thing in this life," he said, pausing to stare at the koala's big brown glass eyes. I knew he woulda shot it if we were really in the wild.
"What is it, Dink? What should I remember? I could really use some perspective here."
"Always remember ... you can't drink all day if you don't start in the mornin'. — Celia Rivenbark

It felt like I had a thousand packs of Strawberry Pop Rocks simultaneously detonating in my chest, and I dilated at least eight centimeters! — Piper Faust

Well", Fang said, mimicking a thick Southern drawl. "I must say its mighty nice of them Daimons to clean up after themselves when you kill them" He held his hands up to them. "Look Ma, no mess."
"Does Fang have an off switch?" Talon asked Vane. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

And you have nothing on him? Is he at least local? Does he have an accent?"
"Yeah, about that. I never heard this accent before."
"Really."
"It's like ... Southern with a curlicue."
"What?" Ty was laughing, but Nick didn't find his frustration all that amusing.
"I'm serious. It's like yours, but not. Like he came over from England and put the two accents together. I ... "
"Can you mimic him?"
"No! I've tried, and my tongue does not make that sound with an R."
"Your tongue can't make any kind of an R!"
"Whatever, hillbilly. — Abigail Roux

It's partly the Southernization of America, in that the Southern working-class version of redneck is becoming the national version, and it's good-natured, it has humor and, in some ways, it's a performance. — Robert Charles Wilson

That's one thing I like about you, Sarah Booth. You put your own personal style on a room. I'd call this boudoir pigsty. Yes sir, any man would find this an enticin' little love nest, if he didn't break his neck tryin' to get to the bed. — Carolyn Haines

There's something about Southern women that is so unique yet so universal. Strong southern women are allowed to be soft and feminine and have a sense of humor. But what I love about Southern women in particular is their universality. — Connie Britton

Poor boys are easier than middle-class or rich ones. Boys who've been busted are easier than boys who have not. Southern boys are easier than Northern boys. Marines are easier than Masturbation. — John Valentine