Skelton Quotes & Sayings

No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds. — Red Skelton

Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. — Red Skelton

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off — Red Skelton

Kneel to nobody; bow to everyone. — Robin Skelton

One of the things I used to dream of is that if I could just be funny like Red Skelton, if I could be a comedian like Red Skelton - that's what I watched on TV - then maybe I would have friends. I just remember that if I told stories to my friends, they listened. And in my family, with nine people talking at the same time, it's really hard to get people to listen to you. We were all craving attention. — Sandra Cisneros

I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin — Red Skelton

I left home because I was hungry. — Red Skelton

The goal of NIH research is to acquire new knowledge to help prevent, detect, diagnose, and treat disease and disability, from the rarest genetic disorder to the common cold. — Ike Skelton

You know how to tell when you're getting old? When your broad mind changes places with your narrow waist. — Red Skelton

Sometime it's more difficult to know the question than to find an answer. — Matthew Skelton

Make sure you're doing impressions of people that are still relevant, and that everyone knows. Red Skelton impressions are a little outdated. — Gabriel Iglesias

Congress must make it clear that common animal waste will not expose farmers to liability under Superfund, while ensuring continued action to clean up legitimate hazardous waste sites around the nation. — Ike Skelton

The Government of Iraq also owes a debt to the American and coalition forces who are fighting the insurgency and helping put that country back together after decades of repression. — Ike Skelton

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen. — Red Skelton

His death was the first time that Ed Wynn ever made anyone sad. — Red Skelton

Today's comics use four-letter words as a shortcut to thinking. They're shooting for that big laugh and it becomes a panic thing, using four-letter words to shock people. — Red Skelton

It requires less skill to love than to be loved. — Robin Skelton

You can never trust the heart of another? — Matthew Skelton

A vice is merely a pleasure that someone else has objected to. — Robin Skelton

A vice is merely a pleasure to which somebody has objected. — Robin Skelton

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime. — Red Skelton

Wisdom speaks with a silent tongue. — Matthew Skelton

Why I was so intrigued with Red Skelton was because he was able to make you cry and laugh and the same time. That was power. — Bernie Mac

More dreams are destroyed in bed than are ever found there. — Robin Skelton

It is dangerous to condemn stories as junk which satisfy the deep hunger of millions of people. These books are not literary art, but a great deal of what is acclaimed as literary art in our time offers no comfort or fulfillment to anybody. — Judith Skelton Grant

Men who like women rarely fall in love. — Robin Skelton

Never believe what you cannot doubt. — Robin Skelton

It is the distance between us that creates language. — Robin Skelton

I have no history but the length of my bones. — Robin Skelton

Farmers in Missouri and across the country must comply with a variety of federal, state, and local regulations as they grow the crops and raise the livestock that we depend on to feed the nation and the world. — Ike Skelton

She smiled. "How ... cute." She chose the word rather like a candy, which she bit. — Matthew Skelton

The number of attacks on the American and allied forces is at the highest level since the insurgency began despite the increase of America combat operations and the introduction of some 40 new Iraq security forces and battalions. — Ike Skelton

What a worthwhile pursuit! Jesus tells us in His word to ask...seek...knock. But how often do we sincerely follow His command? Through her award-winning book, Transformed by Desire, author Patty Mason challenges us to ask with expectation, seek with abandon, and knock with confidence, knowing that our Bridegroom--our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ--is ready to fulfill the deepest desires of our hearts. It's a love story that needs to be told over and over again! — Vonda Skelton

Congress: Bingo with billions. — Red Skelton

I only come to life when there are people watching. — Red Skelton

Some part of us still believes that men should kill. — Robin Skelton

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. — Red Skelton

It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and they'll come out for it. — Red Skelton

People think I am dead because they haven't seen me around for awhile. I'm not dead, I'm very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two things I do before I get up every morning. I look around and if I don't smell flowers or see candles flickering I go ahead and get up. — Red Skelton

I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity. — Red Skelton

Our principles are the springs of our actions. Our actions, the springs of our happiness or misery. Too much care, therefore, cannot be taken in forming our principles. — Red Skelton

I know my limit. I just keep passing out before I reach it. — Red Skelton

For though my rhyme be ragged,
Tattered and jagged,
Rudely rain-beaten,
Rusty and moth-eaten,
If ye take well therewith,
It hath in it some pith. — John Skelton

Red Skelton ... I broke into tears when I met him. — Rip Taylor

We have global interests, potential threats from elsewhere, North Korea, Iran, Taiwan Straits and the like. We must be prepared for any future threat. That is why it is important that this be a transition year, 2006. — Ike Skelton

Better treatment and detection methods have also improved the survival rate for people with cancer, and for the first time in history, this year the absolute number of cancer deaths in the U.S. has decreased. — Ike Skelton

Procrustes was an editor. — Robin Skelton

When anyone hurts us, my wife and I sit in our Japanese sand garden and drink iced tea. There are five stone in the garden - for sky, wind, fire, water, and earth. We sit and think of five of the nicest things we can about the person who hurt us. If he hurts us a second time, we do the same thing. The third time, we light a candle, and he is, for us, dead. — Red Skelton

Mom used to say I didn't run away from home my destiny just caught up with me at an early age. — Red Skelton

God's children and their happiness are my reasons for being. — Red Skelton

Tupper, I think in The Victor. Alf was a working class, whippet-thin runner known as the Tough of the Track who won all his races despite having been up all night making briquettes to save a friend's business, missing his bus to the stadium, being knocked over mid-race by a poncy upper-class twit and losing one of his raggedy running shoes. — Douglas Skelton

Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations. — Red Skelton

The insurgents are Baathists and Sunnis in Iraq who have as their goal a separate and distinct one of toppling the government that is there and creating their own. — Ike Skelton

Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics. — Red Skelton

I don't pick on politicians. They ain't done nothin'. — Red Skelton

A child's love naturally expands to encompass any person in his family that loves him. — S.R. Skelton

To imitate a lunkhead without malice or derision is quite a feat - and Red Skelton brings it off everytime. - Humorist Leo Rosten — Douglas Wissing

I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up. — Red Skelton

I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard. — Red Skelton

Modern medical advances have helped millions of people live longer, healthier lives. We owe these improvements to decades of investment in medical research. — Ike Skelton

In addition to relieving patient suffering, research is needed to help reduce the enormous economic and social burdens posed by chronic diseases such as osteoporosis, arthritis, diabetes, Parkinson's and Alzheimer's diseases, cancer, heart disease, and stroke. — Ike Skelton

I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise. — Red Skelton

You know, last night it was so cold that my pillow and my sheets fought to see who got under the blankets first. — Red Skelton

Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room. — Red Skelton

He gazed thoughtfully at the piece of fabric in her hand. 'Hope' he said, and gave a little smile. 'A quality I should have thought you already possessed in abundance. — Matthew Skelton

I had opened a book that could not be closed, started a story that had no obvious conclusion. It was a tale in which I wanted to play no part. — Matthew Skelton

Those who have the habit of revelation lose the habit of thought. — Robin Skelton

The crises in North Korea, Iran, the Middle East, show how quickly things can change and how they can go wrong. We must be prepared. And right now the Army is not. — Ike Skelton

The wind outside nested in each tree, prowled the sidewalks in invisible treads like unseen cats.
Tom Skelton shivered. Anyone could see that the wind was a special wind this night, and the darkness took on a special feel because it was All Hallows' Eve. Everything seemed cut from soft black velvet or gold or orange velvet. Smoke panted up out of a thousand chimneys like the plumes of funeral parades. From kitchen windows drifted two pumpkin smells: gourds being cut, pies being baked. — Ray Bradbury

A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months. ' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them. ' — Red Skelton

Imitation isn't the sincerest form of flattery - it's plagiarism. — Red Skelton

I consider the television set as the American fireplace, around which the whole family will gather. — Red Skelton

Bob Hope, Red Skelton, and Eddie Cantor ... help us keep our balance. — Hattie McDaniel

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. — Red Skelton

Our country will not stand for any political plan that includes amnesty for insurgents. — Ike Skelton

And how to stop the rot? How to salvage something from time's passage? How long before the map makers decide to erase this structure completely? Before it becomes a nameless ruin? And then a mere pile of stones? Mossed over. Forgotten. How long before they lift its name from their charts and from our collective memory? The only thing I can do is fill the place with music. — Richard Skelton

I have a sixth sense, but not the other five. If I wasn't making money, they'd put me away. — Red Skelton

I want people to say at the end of my day, you know, like I used to say about Sidney Poitier and James Cagney and Joan Crawford and Red Skelton and those guys and Bill Cosby. They did quality and substance. You always remember them. — Bernie Mac

I personally believe we were put here to build and not to destroy. — Red Skelton

Death is the only mystery we all solve. — Robin Skelton

Looking back, I didn't realize until years later what a huge influence Red Skelton was in my stage demeanor with the band. I mean, I always liked things that were funny, and later I realized that having a sly sense of humor was a way to get attention and even respect in school. — Jello Biafra

The safest place to hide a leaf is in a forest. — Matthew Skelton

It is vital that Iraq and the United States together send the clearest possible signal that those who commit acts of violence against American military forces and American civilians will not be rewarded with amnesty. — Ike Skelton

Comedian Red Skelton once defined Congress as "bingo with billions." These days, it's more like Russian roulette. — Lauren M. Bloom

I don't hate my enemies. After all, I made 'em. — Red Skelton

Making music on TV used to be as common as commercials. In the '60s and '70s, prime time was stuffed with variety shows headlined by such major and treasured talents as Carol Burnett, Red Skelton, the Smothers Brothers and Richard Pryor, who had a very brief comedy-variety hour on NBC that was censored literally to death. — Tom Shales

Guard units in the U.S. are suffering severe equipment shortages which will affect their ability to respond to emergencies in their home States, such as Katrina. — Ike Skelton

Today nearly every combat brigade located within the United States would report that they are not ready for duty. They are at the lowest levels of readiness. — Ike Skelton

My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled. — Red Skelton

Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce — Red Skelton

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always — Red Skelton

I'd have avoided some of the pain if I could. Anyone would. But I wouldn't have missed knowing any of the people-even the ones whose leaving hurt most. In fact, the only thing I'm sorry about is that I didn't meet one particular guy, a clown named Joe Skelton. You know, he sure picked the right profession. I mean, a clown's got it all. He never has to hold back: He can do as he pleases. The mouth and the eyes are painted on. So if you wanta cry, you can go right ahead. The make up won't smear. You'll still be smiling ... — Red Skelton

Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. — Red Skelton

I've put on a lot of weight ... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born. — Red Skelton

There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two. — Red Skelton

Wisdom comes with age and experience. — Matthew Skelton

In fact, because of their connection to the land, farmers do more to protect and preserve our environment than almost anyone else. They are some of the best environmentalists around. — Ike Skelton

It held an eye to the future and a tongue to the past. — Matthew Skelton

Cyrus walked straight to the tallest crack of light, a seam between two doors. They were locked, but they were also thin and old, and they bent a little with pressure from his shoulder.

He backed up.

"Try one of Skelton's keys," said Antigone. "Is there a keyhole?"

"Nope." Cyrus threw himself against the doors. Wood popped, but he bounced back. "I can break it."

"You mean a rib? Maybe your shoulder?" Antigone adjusted her grip, propping Horace in front of her.

"There's just one little bolt," said Cyrus. "And it's set in old wood." He paused. What was he hearing? Voices. Shouting. "You hear that?" he asked.

Antigone nodded. "They don't sound happy."

This time, Cyrus used his foot. The wood splintered, and the two doors wobbled open onto a world of emerald and sunlight. — N.D. Wilson

It is not easy to be the best. You must have the courage to bear pain, disappointment, and heartbreak. You must learn how to face danger and understand fear, yet not be afraid. You establish your goal, and no matter what deters you along the way, in your every waking moment you must say to yourself, "I could do it." — Betty Skelton Erde