Sivec Quotes & Sayings

Liz asked me the other day what I thought about twice baked potatoes. How the fuck should I know? Was I supposed to be thinking about twice baked potatoes all this time? Is this where I went wrong? Are grown men supposed to have an opinion about twice baked potatoes? — Tara Sivec

I'd rather be a complete mess with you than spend another day shattered all over the floor alone. — Tara Sivec

No one likes an ugly crier. It's uncomfortable for all parties involved. — Tara Sivec

I feel like I'm in The Crying Game right now, Dad mutters with a sad shake of his head. — Tara Sivec

We're done, this is over. I'm packing your shit and you're leaving." I'm sorry, I love you, please forgive me. "Everything is fucked up, don't you get that? It's ruined, all of it is ruined and you need to fucking leave." I'm so sorry, I love you, please forgive me. "You need to get a life." I'm sorry, I love you, please forgive me. "All those sad, pathetic letters." I'm lying, don't believe me, please don't believe me. I loved your letters, I kept them all and I cherish every one of them. "I prefer women with a little more experience." I don't mean it. I don't mean any of it. Knowing I'm the only man who has ever been inside of you makes me feel like a fucking king and the luckiest man alive. I'm sorry, I love you, please forgive me. "It doesn't get better when I come home to you. I hate this life." I'm lying! Every word is a lie. I love our life and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. I love you, I love you, I love you. — Tara Sivec

You can't use Eve as an excuse. Not this time. She's not here. It's just you, me, and a handful of people who just want to drink and listen to some good music. Stop being afraid for once in your fucking life. Stop listening to all of the voices in your head telling you why this is a bad idea and just listen to your heart. Bring out that firecracker I saw this morning that stood her ground, told me where to go, and smacked me across the face. — Tara Sivec

I'm not going to hold my breast for another invitiation - Jenny — Tara Sivec

I'm going to remind her why we're perfect for each other. I'm going to show her that there's no one else on this earth that can love her like I can. — Tara Sivec

I love Carter more than I ever thought possible, and he has proven to be the best father a woman could ever want for her son. But I swear to God, Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and Christ's childhood friend, Biff, that if he doesn't stop waking me up at four-fifty-eight in the morning, every fucking morning, with his buzz saw snoring, I am going to go David Carradine on his ass. — Tara Sivec

Because I'm pretty sure we conceived this child the night I ate that pot cookie. I'm eighty-four percent positive our child is going to be born a pot head. It's going to come out with dreadlocks and wearing a Bob Marley onesie. Its first word will probably be 'Whaaaaaazzzzzzzuuuuuup'. It's never, ever going to sleep through the night because it's always going to have the munchies. — Tara Sivec

I quickly tried to do the math but my brain was a jumbled mess and I couldn't remember what number comes after potato! — Tara Sivec

Give me a cat over a kid any day. You can open up a bag of Meow Mix, plop it down on the floor next to a bucket of water, go on vacation for a week, and come home to an animal that is so busy licking it's own ass that it has no idea you were even gone. You can't do that with a kid. Well, I guess you could, but I'm sure it's frowned upon in most circles. And if my kid could lick his own ass, I'd have saved a shit load of money on diapers, I can tell you that. — Tara Sivec

I leaned in to give him a hug and he stopped me with his hand to my forehead.
"You don't want to do that, son."
I stepped back and gave him a sympathetic look.
"Nam, huh? Still hard for you to get close to people?" I asked.
"No. I'm still not sure you aren't gay and if you try to play grab-ass, it's gonna get real awkward when
I have to snap your fingers in two. — Tara Sivec

His voice made me want to take my pants off.
Claire — Tara Sivec

It wouldn't be weird at all if I just walked up to her and ran my tongue across her shoulder, would it? I could tell her she had a piece of food there or something. Totally normal. — Tara Sivec

Then you have the people who believe your flippancy is due to some deep, dark, secret issue with your uterus that you're overcompensating for, and they look at you and your va**na with pity. — Tara Sivec

I had the phone in my hand all set to dial when Drew had finally decided to tell me that he pooped in the litter box a few times to see what it was like. — Tara Sivec

Spitters are Quitters — Tara Sivec

My ears perked up like a dog's again when she spoke and pointed in the general direction of the chick that smelled of Slim Jims.
I hope I don't start barking.
"Oh, please, like she doesn't know about the smell of meat products wafting from her lady parts. I think she rubs bologna down there to attract men. Lunch meat is her sex pheromone."
The brunette shook her head in irritation. "If I do a shot, will you please stop talking about Jade's disgusting vagina and never, ever use the word meat product in a sentence?"
"Woof!"
Three sets of eyes all turned to look at me.
"Did I just bark out loud?"
Three heads bobbed up and down in unison. — Tara Sivec

If you spelled George Morgan wrong on Google it didn't say, "Did you mean George Morgan?" It simply replied, "Run while you still have the chance. — Tara Sivec

Oh shit, the jig is up! HIDE THE COOKIES! — Tara Sivec

I didn't want to miss out on a chance to congratulate you on your bouncing baby boy." Garrett's eyes trailed over to Milo who stood tall with an arrogant smile on his face next to his father. "I'm not sure on the protocol over here, though, is it customary to celebrate bastards?" Garrett's comment hit the mark just like he knew it would. The smile was wiped from Milo's face, and he stalked right up to Garrett and threw a punch at his jaw. — Tara Sivec

Really? Because I recall you asking the Elvis impersonator at your Vegas wedding if he could add a line to Jenny's vows that said, 'I promise to always give blow jobs with a smile on my face and love in my heart, — Tara Sivec

Oh, please. I heard barnyard animal noises coming from your room the other night and someone shouting 'Pull my reins, bitch!' I realize you're twenty-one-years old and theoretically an adult, but if I have to hear that shit one more time when I'm trying to sleep, I will beat you like a red-headed step child," she warns. — Tara Sivec

After the epidural was firmly in place, I double checked that we had a waiver on file that states we would own the hospital should my wife become paralyzed. If I was going to feed her mashed peas and wipe her ass until we die, I wanted to be rich. — Tara Sivec

Jenny can still suck a golf ball through a garden hose and she guns my cock like a champ since she misplaced her false teeth! — Tara Sivec

This is what you do to me, Layla. Every second I'm with within a hundred yards of you, I'm rockhard. — Tara Sivec

They pray so much I can almost imagine Jesus himself sitting up there on a white puffy cloud saying, "Oh for the love of my dad, shut the fuck up already. I heard you the first eleven times. — Tara Sivec

I hate every moment that I'm away from her, but I will do whatever it takes to find the man she once loved and bring him back to her. — Tara Sivec

The mind is a great and powerful thing, bisected with hallways of darkness and corners of light. Memories can alternately fill your life with joy and happiness and cloud every moment with nightmares and fear, making you second-guess all of the good things and wonder if they were ever real. — Tara Sivec

- I'm so happy for you, Ellie - I tell her honestly.
- I'm happy for me, too - she tells me with another laugh. — Tara Sivec

Are you really going back there with me?" I ask.
"Hell yes I am. Your wish is finally coming true. I will see your vagina. Plus, I really want to see the look on that woman's face when she gets a peek at your plethora of pubes. Your copious curls, your abundant bush, the wild mane that if it sees a spark will start a forest fire," she states.
"Are you finished?" I ask irritably.
"I think so. But give me five minutes and I might be able to get one more in. — Tara Sivec

I don't care if my mind is completely gone and I'm so fucked up in the head that I'm imagining this. I'll stay a fucked up mess the rest of my life if I can have her lips on mine and it can feel this real. — Tara Sivec

I've heard some strange noises every once in a while late at night and always wondered if the house is haunted. I bet it is. I bet that freaky little fucker wants to watch us have sex. Fine with me, buddy, enjoy the show. Just don't touch my ass at all during the event or I will call the Winchester brothers from Supernatural. Dean and Sam will fuck you up! I had a strange hand touch my ass one time in college during a threesome, and that's just something you don't get over. Random ass touching scares me more than spiders. — Tara Sivec

And if something doesn't fit, if one of your pieces just isn't working, you can put it aside and find another one. There are so many pieces to work with that you don't have to try and force one in where it doesn't belong. You may not need that piece right now, and it may not be helping you right at this moment, but that doesn't mean it isn't important and won't fit somewhere else down the line when you need it more. — Tara Sivec

In fact, gone are the days of having sex at all. I have resorted to jerking off alone in the bathroom after my wife's asleep. It's a sad, lonely existence when you have to take your cell phone into the shitter so you don't wake your wife when you pull up the YouPorn app and crank one out. The worst part is the SpongeBob SquarePants shower curtain in the bathroom. Do you know how difficult it is to keep an erection while SpongeBob is staring at you with his big, googly eyes and you keep hearing the song "Jellyfishin', Jellyfishin', Jellyfishin" in your head? — Tara Sivec

Did you see that? The fuck I give. It went that way. — Tara Sivec

He looks at you like you're the key to his soul and like he wants to devour you. — Tara Sivec

I'm going to put corn and hot sauce on your wiener, and then I'll hit you in the face with it. Hit you in the face with your corny wiener. — Tara Sivec

I don't give a fuck who can hear us, Garrett said angrily. This one's for me. — Tara Sivec

Yeah, you like that? You like it when Big Papa gives you his hot and juicy wiener?" I pant, my hips hammering against her. Her fists yank my hair, pulling my head away from her neck so hard that I see stars. "Ow! What the fuck?" I complain as she gives me a dirty look. "You cannot say shit like that when we're fucking. You Just can't," she warns me, letting out a low groan when I shift my hips and grind my pubic bone against her clit.
"What's wrong with a little dirty talk? I thought you'd like it." "I like dirty talk. I LOVE dirty talk. What you're doing is not dirty talk. It's 'weird as fuck' talk. Repeat after me: I love fucking you, your pussy is so tight," Ava demands. (Well, damn, that was hot. I kind of wish I had a vagina right now). — Tara Sivec

I roofied you because I wanted you naked ... and afraid, Tyler says again in a sinister voice — Tara Sivec

Another good thing about Legos(LIFE). If it falls apart, it doesn't mean it's destroyed. It just means you have to pick up the pieces and start again. — Tara Sivec

I think I'm going to wear blue to the wedding. I saw this gorgeous dress on sale at Macy's the other day. I think I have a coupon," Mom tells Liz.

"Oh hell no! I already told you I was going to wear blue, you whore. You can't wear the same color as me, that's tacky," Liz complains.

Oh my God, this is not happening right now.

"Fuck your mother. I'm wearing blue. I already found my dress," Mom argues.

"I'm the mother of the bride. The mother of the f**king bride! That means it's up to me!" Liz fires back.

"Claire, I think you would look lovely in blue," Tyler pipes in.

Mom turns to face Tyler and folds her arms on top of the table. "When I'm finished neutering you, I'm going to take your tiny little neuticles and light them on fire. — Tara Sivec

You know what happens when you assume things?"
I left out a sigh. "You make an ass out of you and me."
...
"No, you just make an ass out of you. Me, I would never be this assy — Tara Sivec

Oh Sweet Jesus. Sweet mother fucking fuckery of fucks. — Tara Sivec

There's nothing more sensual than watching a man struggle to keep himself in check when he's looking at you. — Tara Sivec

What the fuck is that?" I ask Uncle Drew as he walks up to us. "That, my little asshole, is a screaming goat. Molly showed me this awesome video on YouTube and I had to get one," Uncle Drew says with a huge smile. "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Uncle Drew turns around and points proudly to a little black and white goat tied to one of Aunt Liz and Uncle Jim's trees. "Isn't she cute? Her name is Taylor Swift." "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" the goat screams as she looks right at us. "I don't even understand what is happening right now," I reply with a shake of my head. "I've been trying to teach her - " "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" "How to sing a - " "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" "Song, but she never comes in at the right - " "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! — Tara Sivec

God said "Let there be light" and George morgan flipped the switch. — Tara Sivec

I was going to have to tell people I got fired from selling dildos. I can't even sell fake cocks to a room full or horny women. How do you come back from that shit? — Tara Sivec

I don't deserve her forgiveness. I never deserved her to begin with, so now she'll be free to find security and happiness without having to worry about the broken man she married who can never be fixed. — Tara Sivec

I love both of you exactly the way you are. I love that you have no filter, and I adore that Gavin can make grown men cry. There is not one thing I would change about either of you, and if anyone doesn't like it, they can kiss my ass. You guys are my life and my family now. Nothing else matters. — Tara Sivec

I can't do this without her, Liz, I can't. Every part of my life is wrapped up in her. She's my wife, — Tara Sivec

I thought I was having a heart attack. I couldn't breathe. I didn't know much, but I did know the rules about owning a dick. Rule number one: It should never bleed. Rule number two: There was no rule number two. IT SHOULD NEVER BLEED. — Tara Sivec

I gained fifty-six pounds when I was pregnant with him. Do you have any idea what it's like to look down and not be able to see your vagina?"
"Uh, no," I muttered.
"My ass had its own zip code. — Tara Sivec

If you ramble enough, people will think what you're saying is true, right? — Tara Sivec

And all of it was a prime example of why I wasn't jumping on board the marriage band wagon just yet. My dad had struck out three times and my mom twice when she had finally decided marriage wasn't for her when I was twelve and packed up to get a condo in the city. — Tara Sivec

Oh fuck, he was right there. I was wet as hell and he could probably smell me now. I should have eaten strawberries or melon or a dozen roses or an entire mint plant. Did that work for women? I read an article that it worked for men. Their spunk tasted like what they ate. Did my vagina taste like spaghetti right now? God dammit! I shouldn't have eaten dinner! — Tara Sivec

Climbing into bed, I slide my hands behind my head and stare up at the ceiling.
I have no idea who my father is.
I just had anal!
But I have no idea who my father is.
ANAL, MOTHERFUCKER!
Shit, I hate being so conflicted. — Tara Sivec

I decided ... I was going to be a labor and delivery consultant. I was going to stand next to every single woman in labor and every time.. the woman's husband said something stupid like, "Just breathe through the pain," it would be my job to squeeze the living fuck out of their reproductive organs until they were curled up in the fetal position ... and I'd say "Just breathe through the pain, asshole! — Tara Sivec

Monster. Help. Popsicle scary — Tara Sivec

But if you were given the chance to go back, to tell the truth instead of lie to save someone's life and their feelings ... would you? — Tara Sivec

I know I'm done for when it comes to this woman. She's gotten under my skin, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready to remove her. — Tara Sivec

Will you stop calling it 'stalking'? That's such a harsh term. I prefer 'anonymous following. — Tara Sivec

Love and lists. Just remember, love and lists. Nothing else matters. — Tara Sivec

Even though I was drunk as a skunk at the time, I still remembered what happened after that. Less than two seconds later he was inside me and I was waving good-bye to my virginity. I wanted it to last forever. I saw stars, came three times that night and it was the most beautiful experience of my life. Yeah right. Are you kidding me? Have you lost your virginity lately? It hurts like a mother effer and it's awkward and messy. Anyone that tells you she had anything even close to resembling an orgasm during the actual event itself is a lying sack of sh*t. The only stars I saw were the ones behind my eyelids as I squeezed them shut and waited for it to be over. — Tara Sivec

I DON'T EVEN FUCKING LIKE GREEN EGGS! — Tara Sivec

This is supposed to be a surprise - a huge, life-changing surprise that could make or break our future. Or my kneecaps if George decides he really does hate me. — Tara Sivec

I should ask her to marry me now. If I do it while she's coming, she probably won't be able to say no. It would be physically impossible. Like performing a sex exorist. THE POWER OF THE ORGASM COMPELS YOU! — Tara Sivec

Yes, and in just a few minutes, a dIck will be able to find your vagina without needing night vision goggles and a weed whacker. — Tara Sivec

I don't give a rat's ass what Garrett's favorite color is. And for the record, I have a vagina, so I'm well aware of the fact I can look hot without looking slutty. — Tara Sivec

What are you smiling about? Do you have gas?" Drew joked.
"Hey, Mommy, Carter has a HUGE wiener," Gavin said around a mouthful of cookie, holding his
hands up in the air about three feet apart, like you do when you're telling someone how big the fish is you
just caught.
Claire quickly reached over and pushed Gavin's arms down while everyone else at the table laughed.
I just sat back and smiled and tried to keep my anaconda penis tucked under the table so it wouldn't scare
anyone. — Tara Sivec

Who keeps putting alcohol in my alcohol? — Tara Sivec

If you two yentas are finished discussing Claire's rabid who-ha, me and the boys would like to eat sometime this century."
"You and 'the boys?' You just met them today. Does the Ya Ya Brotherhood already have a secret handshake and a password?" Liz joked. — Tara Sivec

Uncle Drew is completely inappropriate and one hundred percent of the time, and Aunt Jenny is a few fries short of a Happy Meal. — Tara Sivec Love And Lists

Death changes everyone ... It changes the way you think, the way you feel, and the way you live your life. Sometimes it makes you thankful for what you have, but more often than not, it makes you regret what you've lost. — Tara Sivec

Granted, she was obviously one lick away from riding the short bus — Tara Sivec

I'm sorry, but why does Claire know how to take a punch? I'm not sure I like where this is going," Carter said nervously.
"Well, last year Jim made us watch Fight Club for like, the ten- thousandth time. And while I'm all for a little shirtless Brad Pitt action, Claire and I decided to take a shot every time Edward Norton talked in third person. By about twenty minutes in, we were trashed. I don't know whose idea it was, but Claire and I started our own fight club in the living room," Liz explained.
"It was your idea, Liz. You stood up in front of me, lifted your shirt and said "Punch me in the stomach as hard as you can, fucker. — Tara Sivec

Your tits are like Bounty. The quicker dick picker upper. — Tara Sivec

He's been hung up on a one-night-stand he had five years ago with a girl that smelled like Cocoa Puffs. — Tara Sivec

I had been out of the game for too long. I couldn't even get drunk and flirt anymore. I could however, get drunk and look like a stroke victim. — Tara Sivec

He picks up one of the tests and pretends like he's Harry Potter, aiming the test at random objects around the small bathroom yelling, I curse you with my magic wand, punk toilet paper! — Tara Sivec

I brought pot mistletoe for you guys to kiss and make up under! — Tara Sivec

Mortification, party of one, your table is now ready. — Tara Sivec

It's easy fixing other people's problems. It's my own that can suck it. — Tara Sivec

Oh my God, I sent a picture of my boobs to Jim," I moaned as a fresh wave of nausea rolled through me.
"You also threw up in the emergency room parking lot, called Drew and told him you were the Donkey Punch Dick Queen and filled out a Last Will and Testament on a Burger King napkin and then asked the drive-thru worker to notarize it. — Tara Sivec

Adam just knew that he needed to make her happy. He surprised even himself at times with what he was capable of doing just for that smile. It was as though he could reach into himself and pull out something completely unexpected, just to make her laugh. — Jennifer Sivec

To get to the good, sometimes you have to live through the bad. — Tara Sivec

Don't you ever forget that, hummingbird. You can go anywhere you want to go, be anything you want to be. Play because you love it and for no other reason. The day you stop loving it is the day it becomes a job. Making music should never be a job. — Tara Sivec

Dude, you've been fingering that box in your pocket all this time? I thought you had crabs or something. I was going to let you borrow my cream. — Tara Sivec

I just wanted to hear him speak again. His voice made me want to take my pants off. — Tara Sivec

Someday, down the line, I'm going to marry you by that lighthouse. We'll just renew our vows or something, I tell her. — Tara Sivec

I had my fingers buried inside of her, my head rested between her thighs for over an hour and I could still taste her on my tongue. Phina could pretend all she wanted to, but I wasn't about to put up with that shit. I am man enough to admit that it stung a little when it was all over and she ushered me out of her house like I was a vacuum salesman and she had no use for what I was selling. — Tara Sivec

I suddenly had a vision of my sperm swimming around and talking in Bruce Willis's voice like in Look Who's Talking. Come on! Swim faster! This little shit has no idea we escaped from the condom! Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker! — Tara Sivec

It was all fun and games until someone else's dick was in your girlfriend's TMJ mouth — Tara Sivec

Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, watcha gonna do when they cut your wiener," Gavin sang as he pointed his gun at random objects.
"Wow, cops have gotten pretty hardcore lately" Carter muttered. — Tara Sivec

It all just depends on the person you're with. If you can look at that person and know without a doubt that you want to spend the rest of your life kissing them goodnight and waking up next to them, marriage is for you. — Tara Sivec

Um, tequila please?" I asked questioningly, enunciating each word as best as my drunken mouth would allow. So really, it came out as "Uff, shakira pea? — Tara Sivec

It's easy to forgive someone for the hurt they've caused you. Forgetting is impossible. — Tara Sivec

Moving a safe distance away from her, I curse Dominic the mother fucking donkey. — Tara Sivec