Sex Joke Quotes & Sayings

In your thirties, you're much more comfortable with sex. First of all, sex is something you've done more. You know you can have sex just to have sex; you can have sex with friends; you can have sex with people you love; you can have sex with people you don't like, but the sex is good. And you can joke about sex much more. — Julie Delpy

And so the twins had remained virgins. Julia and Valentina watched all of their high school and college friends disappear one by one into the adult world of sex, until they were the only people they knew who lingered in the world of the uninitiated. "What was it like?" they asked each friend. The answers were vague. Sex was a private joke: you had to be there. — Audrey Niffenegger

If you have to do something, write me a funny AIDS play. Sure you can. It's the biggest joke played on us since sex itself - and with the longest punch line. — Robert Patrick

I admire nudity and I like sex, and so did a lot of people in the Thirties. But, to me, overexposure blunts the fun ... Sex as something beautiful may soon disappear. Once it was a knife so finely honed the edge was invisible until it was touched and then it cut deep. Now it is so blunt that it merely bruises and leaves ugly marks. Nudity is fine in the privacy of my own bedroom with the appropriate partner. Or for a model in life class at art school. Or as portrayed in stone and paint. But I don't like it used as a joke or to titillate. Or be so bloody frank about. — Mary Astor

I encourage you boys to cultivate your sexual energy, to awaken the Kundalini and begin to raise it from the base chakra through the central nervous system, connecting it to your higher Self." I jokingly said, "Should I perform Tantric Sex day in and day out?" The entire group laughed at my joke before Dr. Henderson laughingly responded, "It is definitely easier to achieve this state of consciousness when you practice. A lot! Don't expect it to happen overnight. — Young

I don't find the same things funny that many other people seem to find funny. I don't really respond to sex jokes and things like that. Some of my friends look at me and go, "Come on, Nic, that was my best joke. Why aren't you laughing?" I go, "I really don't know why I'm not laughing. I'm sort of out of sync with it." So I'd have to find something that was really about weird human behavior for me to laugh. — Nicolas Cage

If sex isn't a joke, what is it? — Nella Larsen

Hardly anyone today thinks about sex. We joke about it, dream about it, watch movies about it, listen to music about it, lust about it. But we don't ever really think about it. — Jason Evert

Sex is God's joke on the human race ... if we didn't have sex to make us ridiculous, She would have had to think up something else instead. — Erica Jong

A world like that, which exists only because the gods enjoy a joke, must be a place where magic can survive. And sex too, of course. — Terry Pratchett

Malcolm chuckled wickedly. "You, my American friend, are like a hidden landmine of sex appeal. I'm going to have to look out for you."
"Too late." Owen raised his face to the unfamiliar smells, breezes, sounds of the city, enjoying them even more now that he knew something of it and it had become personal to him. "I've already exploded. You're caught."
He tilted his head back and laughed, inviting Malcolm to share the joke, but Malcolm was unusually quiet ... — Amy Lane

, and sometimes there's just no point in arguing with him. "Yeah, okay 'me, Jeff, and Evan, sitting in a tree ... '"
Chris claps his hands triumphantly. "That's right, baby!" Than a more serious expression comes across his face. "But, in a tree? Really? I mean, im a not an expert on the gay sex thing, but I think the first time at least you should be on the ground ... " And then the evening continues on as expected. — Kate Sherwood

...Andrew Feldman put £2,000 behind the bar, and [David] Cameron told a joke about a farmer inviting a new neighbour to come to his house for a party where there might be dancing, drinking and 'rough sex'. When the neighbour asks what to wear, the farmer says, 'It doesn't matter, it's only going to be you and me. — Tim Shipman

The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started. — Billy Connolly

Well, what of it? If sex isn't a joke, what is it — Nella Larsen

Okay, okay. So. First things first. Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! Second thing: I should probably say "thank you" for saving my life. Say it and then follow it up with something funny like ... okay. Spinach joke. Spinach joke. Shit. Um ... Oh, I know! What do anal sex and spinach have in common? If you're forced to have either as a child, you won't want it as an adult. Holy fucking Christ. What the fuck is wrong with me? There is no way I can make a spinach/molesting joke! I am a monster. Think of something else. Think of anything else! — T.J. Klune

Ready for sex, but my body had been so receptive to his touch. Was it like that for everyone else? I wish I could ask Emmy without bringing suspicion upon myself. She had been to third base more times than some baseball players. I snickered out loud at my joke. Emmet looked at me with one eyebrow — L.D. Davis

Although I knew enough Freud to believe that the sex urge was an important mainspring of life, it still seemed to me that any conscious manifestation of sex was necessarily ludicrous. Defecation and copulation were two activities which made a human being totally ridiculous. At least the former could be conducted in private, but the latter by definition demanded a partner. I discovered, though, that whenever I ventured this opinion, people took it as a joke. — Paul Bowles

The act of sex, gratifying as it may be, is God's joke on humanity. It is man's last desperate stand at superintendency. — Bette Davis

Fine. I'll leave the hammering to you." "Good." "That wasn't a sex joke." "It should have been. — Tiffany Reisz

As a kid, Vix had had some warped idea that grownup meant having a job and living on your own. It meant no one could tell you what to eat, or what to wear, or how to behave. It meant that it was okay to have sex with guys. What a joke! — Judy Blume

What's with the serum?"
I don't know, but it sounds ominous. We better put a telepathic direction finder on Benway. The man's not to be trusted. Might do almost anything ... Turn a massacre into a sex orgy ... "
Or a joke."
Precisely. Arty type ... No principles ... — William S. Burroughs

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously. — Woody Allen

Somebody needs to explain to me why it is that the one thing your body can suddenly do well when you get old is grow hair in your nose and ears. It's like God is playing a terrible, cruel joke on you, as if he is saying, Well, Bill, the bad news is that from now on you are going to be barely continent, lose your faculties one by one, and have sex about once every lunar eclipse, but the good news is that you can braid your nostrils. — Bill Bryson

We've been dead for thousands and thousands of years. Dead or sleeping, depends on how you feel about it at any given moment. But that's okay. The trouble starts when you are born, then everything becomes taxing and temporary. When they pulled us into awareness, they killed us. Then we get saddled with a seven minute relay, at best. A soft limbo that's only palliative and comforting in theory. A momentary respite that's a cosmic joke of course and still resented by the divine. A petty haggling of which we weren't even a part of. When forced into an existence, we turned into the ward of all that breathes, subjected to the known universe, and though always partial to the unknown, which wasn't really found and never understood, is lost to us. — Asghar Abbas

I don't like my wrestling or entertainment in general to be too clean or predictable for me as a fan. When I say clean, I'm not talking about dirty jokes, middle fingers and stuff like that. I'm actually not even a big fan of that. A lot of people talk about the attitude era being so great but a lot of it was terrible crap, sex jokes and over-the-top terrible bad comedy. It was Jerry Springer-like. They made a joke about a woman's breasts. Hilarious, but where's the wrestling? I look back on a lot of stuff now, and I'm like where's the wrestling? It's just a lot of crappy jokes. — Dean Ambrose

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!" — Eddie Izzard

Keep Your Pants On
Some people believe the myth that if you do NOT have sex by the third date the relationship is going nowhere. What a joke!!! Why would you have sex with a complete stranger? This person could be married, a psycho, or have an interesting disease that could be spread to you. Get to know the person for who they are, no matter how great their body is. Why risk having sex before discovering you really do not like them? Think before you get naked! — Pamela Cummins

The joke that I make is that there are instances on the TV series that happen to me, - except on Sex and the City they always make it better or worse than real life and I am actually saying that in a joking way. — Candace Bushnell

Every day of their lives they read the newspapers and went to the movies. Both fed them on lynchings, murder, sex crimes, explosions, wrecks, love nests, fires, miracles, revolutions, war. This daily diet made sophisticates of them. The sun is a joke. Oranges can't titillate their jaded palates. Nothing can ever be violent enough to make taut their slack minds and bodies. They have been cheated and betrayed. They have slaved and saved for nothing. Tod — Nathanael West

So why the stress?" said Gene. "You have had sex before?"
"Of course," I said. "My doctor is strongly in favor."
"Frontiers of medical science," said Gene.
He was probably making a joke. I think the value of regular sex has been known for some time. I explained further. "It's just adding a second person makes it complicated. — Graeme Simsion

Your ... Your aura. It's ... amazing. It's shining. I mean, it always shines, but today ... Well I've never seen anything like it. I didn't expect that after everything that happened.'
I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit up around Dimitri normally, what on earth happened to my aura post-sex? — Richelle Mead

Even if he likes me, I'm not sure he'd like me naked. I hate that I'm even thinking that. I hate hating my body. Actually, I don't even hate my body. I just worry everyone else might. Because chubby girls don't get boyfriends, and they definitely don't have sex. Not in movies - not really - unless it's supposed to be a joke. And I don't want to be a joke. — Becky Albertalli

Yes, you're sleeping in my apartment," I said. "On my sofa. It was an exciting night, but not that exciting. I'd really hope you'd remember if it had been. — Kelley Armstrong

This guy I know went into a sex shop and asked the proprietor for a blow-up sex doll." "Is this a joke?" "So the proprietor asks, 'You want a Christian doll, a Jewish doll, or a Muslim doll?' And the guy says, 'What difference does it make?' And the proprietor says, 'Well, the Muslim dolls blow themselves up. — Nelson DeMille

Sex is God's joke on human beings. — Bette Davis

Esperanza's sexual preference flip-flopped like a politician in a nonelection year. Currently she seemed to be on a man kick, but Myron guessed that was one of the advantages of bisexuality: love everyone. Myron had no problem with it. In high school he had dated almost exclusively bisexual girls - he'd mention sex, the girls would say "bye." Okay, old joke, but the point remained. — Harlan Coben

I saw two birds having dangerously kinky sex on the main road, while several cars ran above them just missing the sparrows' toss and tumble fly away. The couple survived to try it again next season on a railway line! — Initially NO

Their boredom becomes more and more terrible. They realize that they've been tricked and burn with resentment. Every day of their lives they read the newspapers and went to the movies. Both fed them on lynchings, murder, sex crimes, explosions, wrecks, love nests, fires, miracles, revolutions, war. This daily diet made sophisticates of them. The sun is a joke. Oranges can't titillate their jaded palates. Nothing can ever be violent enough to make taut their slack minds and bodies. They have been cheated and betrayed. They have slaved and saved for nothing. — Nathanael West

The old sound was alcoholic. The tradition was finally broken. The music is sex and drugs and happy. And happy is the joke the music understands best. Ultra sonic sounds on records to cause frontal lobotomies. Hey, don't be afraid. You'd better take drugs and learn to love PLASTIC. All diffrent kinds of plastic- pliable, rigid, colored, colorful, nonattached plastic. - Lou Reed (1965-1968) — Legs McNeil

I've never had sex," repeated Artemis. "Never wanted to." It was her turn not to look at him as she spoke. "Not with a man or with a woman, or with an animal, though my family joke about it. And I never will. The thought of it disgusts me. But the others - my family - they think that means I haven't got any feelings. That I could never care about anyone, that I don't know what love is, just because I don't-" she shuddered. "But you know what?" she said, turning to him now. "I really loved my dogs. Everyone laughs at me for it, but it's true. The time I spent with them, running, hunting, those were the happiest times of my life. They understood me. They were animals but they understood me far better than anyone in my family ever will. We shared something, we were the same. And they made me kill them. — Marie Phillips

Please ejaculate", I silently urged the man, "so I can go to sleep". (In this way I imagine I was like millions of women before me — Jon Ronson

A cruel joke has been played on us. We are fated always to remember what we learned but never to recall the experiences that taught us. Who can remember being born? Yet, it is possible to speculate that anxiety has its roots in this experience, that dread of abandonment, fears of separation, intolerable loneliness go back to this moment. Who can remember being cared for as an infant? ... Who can remember being toilet-trained? ... Who can remember the attachment which developed to the parent of the opposite sex? ... We cannot remember but what we have forgotten lives on dynamically. — Jo Coudert