Sex Humour Quotes & Sayings

Tom, how many children do you think I have to have before I figure out you get them by having sex?"
"Of course there would be protection," he offered.
"Tons of it. — Robyn Carr

There are talking dogs all over the place, unbelievably boring they are, on and on and on about sex and shit and smells, and smells and shit and sex, and do you love me, do you love me, do you love me. — Ursula K. Le Guin

Some men say get them crying on your shoulder and you have the sheets half-unfurled already. Other fellows say get them laughing. I say get them drunk. I ordered up more Riesling ... — Stewart Hennessey

Back in the day, it was either both a mother and her daughter had pubic hair, or the daughter didn't. Today, in many a case, the mother is the one who doesn't. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I'm twenty-four, a first grade teacher, have a Yorkie named Pedro, a goldfish named Fish, have never had sex, or a serious boyfriend, and I'm the town lesbian who pukes when she sees a pussy. Nothing really to be jealous of at all. — H.J. Bellus

The gods damn you, look what you've done! If I want to grow this back, I'll have to endure the most terrifying sex imaginable! Gaahhhhhhh! — Kevin Hearne

I love men. They Taste like Chicken — Jill Conner Browne

He was lonely. I could see that. He was working his butt off-and mine, too-in the hope that a million rupees might sort out his sex life. I prayed to Buddha he would be successful. If he didn't get some action soon, I doubted I would, either. — Frank Kusy

Critics all have this idea that authors inhabit another dimensional realm, right up to their first smack in the mouth - which feels to them quite miraculous, being their sex-dream come true. — Don Paterson

The West Sister Dating Rules were clear on the matter of apologies. On the evolutionary scale of dating, a guy who apologized solely for the sake of ending the argument and getting back into your good graces was on the level of primeval slime - especially if he was clearly doing so merely because he was hoping for sex. The proper response was to unveil the offender's deceit by demanding he explain what exactly he was apologizing for, and then scorn him when he betrayed his ignorance. — Alex Gabriel

I won't consider getting horizontal with someone I can barely tolerate when we're vertical. — Nora Roberts

I shall now explain my plan. You may then speak, but only to amend the detail. The broad outline is not subject to negotiation. Are you ready? Good ... I propose to have sex with you. I believe it will be excellent sex. Your obedience on one particular issue of timing it will be required to make it unforgettable sex. I will explain that issue as we go. At the moment, I wish to hear your inevitable objection to the general sex part of this plan. — Nick Harkaway

All his faces were designed to express rage or loathing. Now that something had happened which really deserved a face, he had none to celebrate it with. As a kind of token, he made his Sex Life in Ancient Rome face. — Kingsley Amis

They say nothing!" the little captain raged. "They only putrid gunner, ship engineer. I, Ba-Karkar, must speak for all!"

Ogu kicked him again. "Then ask what kind help Asahel wants, untranslatable epithet male. Or no more untranslatable for you! Never again in putrid boomer prison."

Her husband gave a choked gasp. "Cruel female!"

"No more sex, either," she added. — Julian May

I was playing Rasputin and what was motivating him was crumpet really, and I was extremely keen on crumpet so I was really rather good as Rasputin. And my next catastrophic failure was Macbeth, who I played in the style of a crumpet-lover, and then when Doctor Who came along, I embraced this lunacy, this cloud-cuckoo-land where people had to be convinced by absolute nonsense. I came from a very religious background, so it was easy for me to believe in something I knew nothing about. — Tom Baker

Dagmar turned when she felt a tug on her sleeve, a human male standing next to her. "Yes?"
"Yeah, how much for the blonde?"
Dagmar blinked, glanced back at Gwenvael and the three girls before asking, "Pardon?"
"The blonde. How much for the blonde? The bigger one. Just for an hour or so?"
Of course. Dagmar would never be one of the whores ... she must be selling the whores.
"Five coppers for an hour," she replied. "Any more than that and it'll cost you."
"An hour will do." He reached into his pocket and handed her five copper pieces. She dropped them into her satchel, tapped Gwenvael on the shoulder, and said, "He's bought you for an hour of sex. Enjoy. — G.A. Aiken

Well, that explains why we jumped into bed with each other so quickly. We were both hornier than a bucket of desert toads. — Olivia Cunning

She looks me dead in the face and says, "The safe word is going to be 'immigration,' because you know I'll stop it. — Kayti McGee

Savour life's pleasures in abundance — Ginger Sullivan

I just want mind-boggling sex tonight, but I don't think you can beat my vibrator. — Anna Bayes

You know, my poor grandmother once told me that the way to a man's heart was through his stomach. Life has taught me that it's actually a few inches lower. — Jenifer Mohammed

He cleared his throat. "You need to pick a safe word."
"What on earth is a safe word?"
He smothered a sigh. This was proving to be more work than he thought it'd be. "It's a word you use when you want things to stop."
"How about I use the word 'stop'?" She sounded sarcastic.
"That's not how it works. You need a word that you wouldn't normally use during sex."
"Fine. How about 'dumbass'?"
"I don't think you're getting into the spirit of this."
"Really? You think?"
"Fine. Dumbass it is." There was no dealing with her when she was in this mood. "If you use your safe word, everything stops."
"Good." She took a deep breath. "Dumbass," she shouted.
Andrew wasn't sure what to do next. This was not going the way it did in the books. — Janet Elizabeth Henderson

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. — Jay Leno

She whispers in my ear: '"Tell me that you wan' fuck me hard, make me sweat." In the excitement, she misses out a word. "I want to fuck you so hard that your body drips with sweat," I say, grammatically. — Joe Dunthorne

I want the evening upon which we lose our collective virginities to be special. I'm no parthenologist but I suspect that Jordana's virginity is still intact. Her biological knowledge is minimal. She thinks that a perineum is to do with glacial moraine. — Joe Dunthorne

One understands then why woman has no sexual parts, properly speaking. It is because she is herself a sexual part - a sexual part of man, to cumbersome for him to carry around permanently and therefore deposited outside himself for most of the time and taken up when needed. Moreover the quality that distinguishes man from animals is this very power of equipping himself at any moment with an instrument, tool or arm that he needs, but that he can get rid of straight away, whereas the lobster has to drag his two pincers about with him everywhere. And just as mans hand is a sort of grappling hook that enables him to grasp a hammer, sword or fountain pen according to his needs, so his sex is the sort of grappling hook of the sexual parts rather than the sexual part itslef. — Michel Tournier

Linda's presentation of the 'facts' had been so gruesome that the children left Alconleigh howling dismally, their nerves permanently impaired, their future chances of a sane and happy sex life much reduced. — Nancy Mitford

...Andrew Feldman put £2,000 behind the bar, and [David] Cameron told a joke about a farmer inviting a new neighbour to come to his house for a party where there might be dancing, drinking and 'rough sex'. When the neighbour asks what to wear, the farmer says, 'It doesn't matter, it's only going to be you and me. — Tim Shipman

And the most extraordinary thing is that, in the end, as you grow older, you continue to go poop once a day if you are in good health, while it is not easy to make love every day. So finally, the pleasure is longer-lasting and more frequent than the other. — Guy Fournier

The second orgasm has a biblical connotation. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

What's your favourite position?"
"I usually play winger."
"Zach, I adore you, but you can't make soccer jokes during phone sex. It just isn't done. — Tiffany Reisz

Naw, I say. Mr , can tell you, I don't like it at all. What is it to like? He git up on you, heist your nightgown round your waist, plunge in. Most times I pretend I ain't there. He never know the difference. Never ast me how I feel, nothing. Just do his business, get off, go to sleep.
She start to laugh. Do his business, she say. Do his business. Why, Miss Celie. You make it sound like he going to the toilet on you.
That's what it feel like, I say.
She stop laughing. — Alice Walker

Jake became excruciatingly aware of her, there, right behind him. The small grunts and groans as she placed each foot carefully on the slick ground reverberated in his gut. He wanted to turn around and tell her to shut the hell up.
She sounded as though she was having sex.
Good sex. — Cherry Adair

She'd proven to be one of the most aggravating people I'd ever met. Unfortunately for me, she was also the best sex I'd ever had.
Fuck, he'd better never get that far. I wasn't sure I knew where to hide a body around here. — Christina Lauren

Well, dearest, what would you tell a farmer who had an over-abundant harvest? To plant less, of course!" ...
"I am not complaining about the frequency of the planting," she said. "I'd just rather not reap a crop every year. — Sharon Kay Penman

Me? I like wearing a condom. It means I'm having sex. I already spend most of my time NOT wearing one. It's like a tuxedo - I enjoy putting one on for special occasions. — David Mazzucchelli

I was just learning how to read and was reading every sign out loud, practising, and when I saw Cockburn Avenue I said Cock Burn Avenue and then asked what's that? And Elf, she must have been eleven or twelve, said that's from too much sex and my mother said shhhh from the front passenger seat and we didn't dare look over at my dad who clutched the wheel and peered out the windshield like a sniper tracking his target. There were two things he didn't ever want to talk about and they were sex and Russia. — Miriam Toews

The meaning of sex is illustrated by two eponymous heroes of British history, King Edward VII (who flourished in the years before the First World War) and the King Edward variety of potato which has fed the British working class for almost as long). The potato, unlike the royal family, reproduces asexually. Every King Edward potato is identical to every other and each on has the same set of genes as the hoary ancestor of all potatoes bearing that name. This is convenient for the farmer and the grocer, which is why sex is not encouraged among potatoes. — Steve Jones

Shee-it, you people have all the fun. You guys are givin' people strokes and havin' sex parties and doin' rescues while I'm off gallivantin' in the forest, shootin' at some stupid dang targets. — Elle Casey

Don't just live your life, set it on fire! — Ginger Sullivan

I bought a packet of Trojan Ultra Pleasure Extra Sensitive condoms: 'No. 1 in AMERICA'. They smell nothing like a positive first sexual experience. — Joe Dunthorne

Why haven't we had sex in six days?"
"Because you have a bullet wound."
She cocked her head. Devin braced himself for the barrage of bullshit she was about to spew. "Last I checked, I didn't get shot in the pussy; I got shot in the arm. And since you're not into armpit fucking, there shouldn't be a problem." Her gaze dropped to his crotch. "Or is there? — Lorelei James

Good sex and good humour have one important thing in common: good timing — Alan Daniels

Staring at my smoldering hot date, her husband stands tall for the first time in a decade, adjusting his toupee while flashing a horrid green toothy grin that looks more like a Steven Hawkins muscle spasm. In his hands, a frightened beer bottle is choked with the steel grip of a sexually repressed Preacher. — Brett Tate

Status: Naked. On bed. With boy. Systems overheating. Sudden doubts multiplying. Meltdown imminent. — J.C. Lillis

I love you," I whispered hoarsely. "You're my favourite person." The tears blurred in my eyes again. "And if you ever tell anyone I cried during this moment I will withhold sex for a year. — Samantha Young

In his essay,Agastya had said that his real ambition was to be a domesticated male stray dog because they lived the best life.They were assured of food,and because they were stray they didn't have to guard a house or beg or shake paws or fetch trifles or be clean or anything similarly meaningless to earn their food.They were servile and sycophantic when hungry;once fed,and before sleep,they wagged their tails perfunctorily whenever their hosts passes,as an investment for future meals.A stray dog was free,he slept a lot,barked unexpectedly and only when he wanted to,and got a lot of sex. — Upamanyu Chatterjee

Do you think anyone found out about that?" B. J. Asks, sounding nervous.
"Found out about what?" I ask, trying to imagine why I would say that to my fake girlfriend. Maybe if she asked "Do you think anyone found out about that?" meaning, "Do you think anyone found out about us having sex in my parents' bed?" or something. I hope Courtney is smart enough to infer that that's what is probably going on. I wonder if it would be going too far to actually come out and say, "You mean about the doggie-style we had?"
"Found out about the pot we bought!" B. J. Says, sounding exasperated. He's been sounding exasperated with me a lot lately. — Lauren Barnholdt

When you've been around as long as me, Lucy, you'll know that there are three types of sex ... One - brand-new, kitchen-table sex. Two - bedroom sex. Then number three - hallway sex, when you pass each other in the hallway and say 'Fuck you.' - Lockie — Kathy Lette

The Professor is coming... — M.K. Hopkins

People have many cruel expectations from writers. People expect novelists to live on a hill with three kids and a spouse, people expect children's story writers to never have sex, and people expect all great poets to be dead. And these are all very difficult expectations to fulfill, I think. — C. JoyBell C.

I'm sorry," he muttered. "If I ... uh, hurt your feelings or something."
She glared at him. "I'm not hurt. I'm pissed off and sexually frustrated."
His head snapped back on his spine. Well ... then. Okaaaaay. — J.R. Ward

Sex & Humour Are The Heart & Lungs Of A Good Relationship — Rosamund Lupton

If someone had told me years ago that sharing a sense of humour was so vital to partnerships, I could have avoided a lot of sex! — Kate Beckinsale

Here's a basic difference between Morelli and me. My first thought was always of cake. His first thought was always of sex. Don't get me wrong. I like sex ... a lot. But it's never going to replace cake. — Janet Evanovich

It's the strangest thing about this church - it is obsessed with sex, absolutely obsessed. Now, they will say we, with our permissive society and rude jokes, are obsessed. No. We have a healthy attitude. We like it, it's fun, it's jolly; because it's a primary impulse it can be dangerous and dark and difficult.
It's a bit like food in that respect, only even more exciting. The only people who are obsessed with food are anorexics and the morbidly obese, and that in erotic terms is the Catholic Church in a nutshell. — Stephen Fry

That's probably the most sincere thing that I've ever heard come out of your mouth."

Logan lowered his eyes to Tate's hand. "Now, that's not true. I was very sincere this morning when I told you that I loved sucking your - "

"Don't ruin it," Tate interrupted. — Ella Frank

It is the most fun I'm ever going to have. I love to write. I love it. I mean, there's nothing in the world I like better, and that includes sex, probably because I'm so very bad at it. It's the greatest peace when I'm in a scene, and it's just me and the character, that's it, that's where I want to live my life. — Joss Whedon

You know why horror-movie characters always get killed? Because they've never seen horror movies. They don't know how it works. Right? But we do. So no one go into the basement alone. No one go screaming off into the woods alone. No one has any sex. — Carrie Vaughn

I don't believe this," Diesel said. "It just gets worse and worse. Bad I enough I have to play cupid to a butcher, button maker and veterinarian ... now have to be sex therapist for a guy who gives people a rash. — Janet Evanovich

If I had followed every urge I ever had, I would have had much more sex and killed a lot more people — Tommy Cotton

Has something happened to upset you today?"
"Yeah, I had an argument with a vacuum cleaner hose, it wanted me to it a blowjob, but I refused so it took offence. It claimed I blew everyone else's attachment and it wasn't fair. — Gillibran Brown

Sometimes I regret going into that public toilet with your father.'
'Then practice safe sex, Mama!!'
'We were! There was a fight in the bar and we took cover in the public toilets!! — Jonathan Dunne

Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees. — Brett Tate

The Dean leaned toward an ear.
"I was saying," he said loudly, "that we didn't know the meaning of the word 'sex' when we were young."
"That's true. That's very true," said Poons. He stared reflectively at the flames. "Did we ever, mm, find out, do you remember? — Terry Pratchett

Cheese and crackers? Really?" She looks at me skeptically. "Besides, he's not a gigolo, you prude! He's an escort. Big difference."
"An escort who, at the end of the night for a little more cash, will have sex with people. What do you call that?"
Sara's laugh has a wicked edge to it "I call it my good fortune. — Courtney Cole

I was coming down off the last painkiller left in my dresser drawer after Autumn tossed my stash. In that moment I was so groggy and happy I would have accepted a date with Oscar the Grouch - and planned to do some serious feeling up on the green furry beast too. Yeah, stooping to pharmaceutical-inspired sex fantasies about garbage can Sesame Street characters - that had to be the best Just Say No drug lecture a girl in a leg cast could ever receive to make her go cold turkey off the meds. — Rachel Cohn

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping. — Stephen Colbert

All that evening he talked to the Candle of Arras, in a low confidential tone. When you get down to it, he thought, there's not much difference between politics and sex; it's all about
power. He didn't suppose he was the first person in the world to make this observation. It's a question of seduction, and how fast and cheap you can effect it: if Camille, he thought, approximates to one of those little milliners who can't make ends meet - in other words, an absolute pushover - then Robespierre is a Carmelite, mind set on becoming Mother Superior. You can't corrupt her; you can wave your cock under her nose, and she's neither shocked nor interested: why should she be, when she hasn't the remotest idea
what it's for? — Hilary Mantel

The wild women in his lap,' my father enthused, 'laying their breasts on his head.'
There was a moment of stunned silence. Then my mother spoke slowly, with an edge to her voice. 'I think you mean "wild beasts laying their heads in his lap".'
'Do I? — Patrick Rothfuss

I've always said, I thought the Sex Pistols was more Music Hall than anything else - because I think that really, more truths are said in humour than any other form. — John Lydon

He kept one eye on Matt as he talked. He could tell Matt was close to orgasm by the way he title his head to the side and bit his lower lip.
"And what about your partner, Mr. Tucker?" Troy asked. Chris raised his eyebrows in surprise and Mr. Waters gave him a greasy, unpleasant smile. "Does your partner cook?"
Chris grinned as Matt came all over the red leather seat. "Actually, he makes a delicious white sauce. — Ally Blue

Yes, you may ask my name but only if you can tell me: are your thighs as fine as a fresh, crisp morning in early July? — Robert Clark

When the first book out my sister-in-law read it and we were chatting at 5 o'clock in the afternoon and she said, "Oh my God, chapter six, sex and a murder," and her five year old wandered into the kitchen and said, "Sixty hamburgers? — Sara Sheridan

The male tax?"
"Yeah. The tax that men have to pay for not having to menstruate every month. Or risk getting pregnant. Or deal with the physically stronger sex in a macho world ... Women have to put up with all that stuff, so the least we men can do is pay the male tax and get the tab. — Zack Love

Do you think five babysitters will be sufficient?" Ethan inquired sardonically.
"No, but I'm willing to leave the compound without panties if we can make that happen."
"I'm on it," he said as he quickly began texting our gaggle of sitters — Robyn Peterman

Please ejaculate", I silently urged the man, "so I can go to sleep". (In this way I imagine I was like millions of women before me — Jon Ronson

Nefarious purposes translation: For disgusting demon sex and the birth of the Devil incarnate. Nice. — Elle Casey

You think I can't get it up anymore, maybe? Lemme tell you, you eat enough garlic and it stands up every time. — Alberto Vitale

I got it! I got it!" Heeb declared triumphantly. Evan stopped in the middle of his kitchenette to hear Heeb's idea.
"Sex in the Title."
"Yeah, that's what you've been saying I need."
"No, that's the title: 'Sex in the Title.'"
"You want me to call my novel 'Sex in the Title?'"
"Yeah. Isn't it great? — Zack Love

Father was about to leave the house with his camera on his way to call for Mrs Walsh. They were going to a nearby park where, he said, he was planning to take her on the swings if the light was appropriate, and possibly on the roundabout as well ... Father explained that in outdoor work he has found a fillip which delights him. — Norma Hall

Is it a big ass firm or a big firm ass? — Musa Nganga

Denis could think of no logical reason why he should not attempt to mate with Beth Cooper.
There were no laws explicitly against it.
They were of the same species, and had complementary sex organs, most likely, based on extensive mental modeling Denis had done. — Larry Doyle

Susan hardly had begun to slow down when Tera appeared from between a couple of buildings and loped over to the car. I leaned forward, opened the door, and she got into the backseat. I threw her the extra clothes I had picked up, and she began to dress without comment.
It worked," I said. "We did it."
Of course it worked," Tera said. "Men are foolish. They will stare at anything female and naked. — Jim Butcher

You've got to have a sense of humour about sex. When you look at it, it's all pretty ridiculous, isn't it? — Cat Deeley

You groped my bum!"
"It was an accident."
"It was not. You haven't done anything accidental with that hand since you were twelve."
"Fifteen, Mabes. You make me sound like some kind of infant sex prodigy. — Lily Morton

Sometimes you don't even have to have sex at all, and for that kind of sicko, you charge double. — Sara Sheridan

Tatiana is a ridiculously curvy thing of dreams, with smooth succulent thighs, long strawberry blond cascading beneath a teal bandana, and a nympho sparkle in her eyes that says pick me, lick me, spank me, or I punish you. Raw innocence and mayhem at once. — Brett Tate

Individuality: ten. Cautiousness: three. Combativeness: nine." She looked over and gave me a wink. "Well, what did you expect from a pirate's daughter? Hope: eight. Amativeness. What's that?"
Kate acutally blushed. "I think it has something to do with your attractiveness to the opposite sex."
"Ten," said Nadira, smiling modestly.
(Skybreaker by Kenneth Oppel) — Kenneth Oppel

Writing is a lot like sex: at first you do it because you enjoy it. Then you find yourself doing it with others. But if you're any good at all, you end up doing it for less money than it's worth. — Michael Goulding

Look at all the things that can go wrong for men. There's the nothing-happening-at-all problem, the too-much-happening-too-soon problem, the dismal-droop-after-a-promising-beginning problem; there's the size-doesn't-matter-except-in-my-case problem, the failing-to-deliver-the-goods problem ... and what do women have to worry about? A handful of cellulite? Join the club. A spot of I-wonder-how-I-rank? Ditto. — Nick Hornby

It's the teenage and university crowd, so we give them lots of sex jokes and gross humour. — Keenen Ivory Wayans

My mission is to offend and insult the bourgeois defenders of the status quo, and entertain those who enjoy sex, violence and sick humour in their face and without apology. — Ian Martin

Excuse me, your attention please."
He waited until the whole floor had stopped what it was doing and turned to face him. For a split second his impulse control kicked in, but by then his mouth was fully engaged.
"For the record, Claire Marsden and I are not having sex. — Sarah Mayberry

The Brit's face shares a heritage with a junkyard butt-sniffing mutt. It's a hard-earned moonshine mug, dotted with a hairy mole that looks like a rat's been gnawing on it. His beard looks like a white sneeze. The teeth are jagged and out of alignment, having opened quarts at Jiffy Quick Lube for half a decade. — Brett Tate

How could you receive a member of the Male Sex in your bedroom, and in your dressing gown?Sir, I must request you to leave immediately!"
"You don't mean to tell me that's a dressing gown?" interrupted Mr Carlton, a dangerous gleam in his eyes." Well, it's by far the most elegant one I've ever been priviledged to see, and I suppose I must have seen scores of 'em in my time-paid for them too! — Georgette Heyer

I saw two birds having dangerously kinky sex on the main road, while several cars ran above them just missing the sparrows' toss and tumble fly away. The couple survived to try it again next season on a railway line! — Initially NO

I stroke a finger over my own top button, undo it, then let my hand drop with an exaggerated sigh. "It's not quite the same," I declare, "ripping my own clothes off. — Kate Tough

If I looked like him," Tara said. "I'd want to have sex with myself. All the time. — Jill Shalvis

Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.
Good things come to those who wait. — Jess C. Scott