Sedaris Amy Quotes & Sayings

I remember seeing Amy Sedaris in a stint where she played somebody's alcoholic mother in one scene and in the next she was Ross Perot. I remember thinking she was so awesome. — Stephnie Weir

As my guests leave even my most simple parties, I consistently hear the same thing: 'That was the best time I ever had,' and it's always me saying it. But I do know in my heart they all feel the same way, probably. — Amy Sedaris

Sometimes it's just enough for me to have the idea. I don't need to see it through to the end. When it actually happens, I'm always disappointed because it's never like what I imagined in my head. When an idea becomes a reality, then it's a job. I'd rather just think about it. — Amy Sedaris

If I'm creating something for myself, then I want to have fun. — Amy Sedaris

I have no desire to carry a movie. — Amy Sedaris

I wasn't a cliquey person, and I think that's because I came from a large family. I got along with everybody, and I usually got along with the people that people didn't like. — Amy Sedaris

My favorite things often have a story behind them and are usually handmade or discovered at a flea market. — Amy Sedaris

Amy Sedaris makes me laugh harder than anybody. — Andy Cohen

I'm not a good storyteller. I always think I'm going to get interrupted, or something's going to get edited. I think that comes from being in a large family, so you have to get your story in really quick or someone cuts you off. — Amy Sedaris

Books are challenging and inspirational to me. — Amy Sedaris

I don't mind pointing out some of the failings of old age, because we are all headed in that direction, unless of course we take our own lives before we become a burden. I'm not advocating suicide, oh wait, I guess I am. — Amy Sedaris

You think in a different way when you don't have any money. The joy of poverty is that you use your imagination to come up with stuff. — Amy Sedaris

I need a costume to be convinced that I'm somebody else. Otherwise, it's just me. It's just Amy saying lines. I haven't really become somebody else. And what's the fun in that? — Amy Sedaris

Don't make anybody a homemade gift. Unless you're really good, or it's going to be really practical. If it's a little thing you think is cute 'cause you made it, just forget it. — Amy Sedaris

You just can't enjoy any of the movie when you're in it. — Amy Sedaris

Most people think witches are a coven of lesbians dancing naked in the forest celebrating the semen stolen from imprisoned hypnotized males, which they then use to inseminate one another using turkey basters in order to create a legion of demon babies. Well, that's only part of it. We are also active in community outreach programs. — Amy Sedaris

I think it's good for a person to spend time alone. It gives them an opportunity to discover who they are and to figure out why they are always alone. — Amy Sedaris

I've always been drawn to people with problems. Not just physical problems, but mental problems too. Like depressed people or killers, all that stuff. — Amy Sedaris

I'm drawn to people who look different. I'm not exploiting. I'm not making fun of them. I'm drawn to them. — Amy Sedaris

I like to make things, but I looked at old craft books on weaving or mosaics or whatever, I'm like, 'I don't really know anything about that stuff.' — Amy Sedaris

Begin your story with a sentence that will immediately grab hold of your listener's ears like a surly nun in a Catholic school. — Amy Sedaris

I think it's still kind of weird to memorize a line, because you're supposed to 'be' this person, you know? So then its like, if I'm really this person, how can I be in the moment if I know there's just one line I'm supposed to say? It doesn't feel natural. I always just kind of want to say whatever comes up. — Amy Sedaris

Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking. — Amy Sedaris

I try to pick music for a diner that doesnt involve a lot of lyrics, so you're not paying attention to that. As long as it doesnt dominate the party, it should be more atmosphere music. When I'm by myself, I never play music. — Amy Sedaris

People always think I'm Amy Poehler, which never bothers me. I mean, Amy Poehler is great. — Amy Sedaris

If I put my mind to something, it happens. I do know that's not necessarily psychic. But I always feel like there's something around me protecting me. — Amy Sedaris

I love cop shows and crime books and thrillers, and before I die I'm gonna play a cop. — Amy Sedaris

People who shop in health food stores never look healthy. — Amy Sedaris

A lot of times girls think they're funny, but they want to pretty at the same time, and if you want to be funny, you have to be willing to get ugly. — Amy Sedaris

I wanted to deny him, but that's the terrible power of a diary: it not only calls forth the person you used to be but rubs your nose in him, reminding you that not all change is evolutionary. More often than not, you didn't learn from your mistakes. You didn't get wiser, but simply older, growing from the twenty-five-year-old who got stoned and accidentally peed on his friend Katherine's kitten to the thirty-five-year-old who got drunk and peed in the sandbox at his old elementary school. "The sandbox!" my sister Amy said at the time. "Don't you realize that children have to pee in there? — David Sedaris

My little brother Paul. He owns his own floor sanding business called Silly P Hardwood Floors and hes really good. — Amy Sedaris

But I love how people who are musical, they know how to dress. — Amy Sedaris

It was more of their quirky show. It was more like a cult show. The ratings weren't really that high. — Amy Sedaris

I'm not a first-place person. — Amy Sedaris

In all the land there is only one you, possibly two, but seldom more than sixteen. — Amy Sedaris

Although it has been said that idle hands are the devil's workshop, when it comes to teenagers, both idle and active hands are the devil's workshop. — Amy Sedaris

I like to play unattractive people who think they're pretty. You can do what you want, but I prefer to look interesting. — Amy Sedaris

I am an aging Girl Scout. — Amy Sedaris

There's humor in everything. There's gotta be humor in everything. — Amy Sedaris

Accentuaute the positives - medicate the negatives. — Amy Sedaris

I've never done heroin or slept with people for money or anything. — Amy Sedaris

But I always like to play ugly people who think they're pretty. — Amy Sedaris

I'm always more attracted to the unattractive. — Amy Sedaris

Usually I'm the one asking somebody to do something because I don't know how to finish it. I'm like, 'Do this for me' because I'm just resistant to learning. — Amy Sedaris

Exercise your imagination muscle! How many uses can you come up with for a flowerpot? Write down your answers. But don't write them in this book. Grab a separate sheet of paper. I didn't spend two and a half weeks writing a book just so you could mark up the pages with your silly ideas for things you can do with a flowerpot. When it comes down to it, what's wrong with a flowerpot not being a flowerpot? Why is nothing ever good enough for you? — Amy Sedaris

Some crafts have been practiced for centuries. These crafts were created using skills passed from generation to generation, and were motivated by necessity such as baskets and pottery, or artistic expression, such as more baskets and more pottery. Today, there is a much more leisurely attitude toward crafting, and virtually anyone without a job and access to pipe cleaners can join the elite society of crafters. — Amy Sedaris

We're all used to seeing pretty people. I want to see real people. — Amy Sedaris

I feel confident writing on my feet with improv, but it's different when you're sitting down and writing it out. — Amy Sedaris

I've never played anyone who didn't like themselves. I don't care if they're unattractive, but it's important that they think of themselves as attractive. And I guess that's part of their charm. — Amy Sedaris

I was just a kid. I think I stole a candy bar. I remember feeling so terrible. It was the worst shock. I was probably 7. That's my least favorite feeling: guilt. — Amy Sedaris

I always got along with all types of people - popular people as well as drug addicts. — Amy Sedaris

I like dramas and stuff. That's what I watch, but it seems weird that I'd be in it. — Amy Sedaris

I like crafts that come out of poverty or necessity. There used to be hobby shops where you'd get your supplies, and then you'd use your imagination. — Amy Sedaris

I like to entertain in all aspects. When you're with somebody and you're out, you want to be entertained. I like to be around entertaining people. Even if they're bored, and you're in a convalescent home, there's something entertaining about that, in a way. — Amy Sedaris

I like working with the public, I like working with food, and I like making cash. — Amy Sedaris

I want witchcraft so bad that I can't stand it. I have wands in my apartment. And I use them sometimes. I walk into the kitchen with my wand, and I come out with something on a platter and I say, 'See, magic happens.' Works every time. — Amy Sedaris

When people tell me they are going to go scrapbooking, I say, 'Why don't you make it yourself.' It's like chocolate-chip cookies. People buy the cookie-dough roll and slice it, and then they lay it on a cookie sheet. That's not making chocolate-chip cookies. — Amy Sedaris

I always liked my teachers, and I was in a lot of after-school projects. I was a Girl Scout until my senior year, when I couldn't be a Girl Scout anymore. I was in clubs like Junior Achievement, and I ran track and field. My grades were good, but then toward 11th grade they were nothing. I always went to summer school. — Amy Sedaris

I like working with the public, and I like that it's really hard work. — Amy Sedaris

Usually, the best ideas come from other people's good ideas, which then, after a short gestation period, become your ideas. — Amy Sedaris

I feel so free and open to ideas, and I get inspired by everything. — Amy Sedaris

Crafting, or 'making things,' has always been a delightful pastime of mine because it requires putting common elements together in order to achieve a lovely something that nobody needs. — Amy Sedaris

I always knew I didn't want kids, and I didn't want to get married. — Amy Sedaris

I'm not very good with drink recipes. If I'm entertaining, I like to come up with a house drink for the evening, one thing I'll make for the whole evening of the whole month. — Amy Sedaris

Gift-wrap the framed artwork on your walls and rehang them - what's nicer than a wall of presents to look at? — Amy Sedaris

I like to just make things ... If I have the TV on, I'm not just going to sit there. I want to do something with my hands; I've always got a project. Or I get a small group of people over, and I say, 'Let's make these things today.' — Amy Sedaris

I always want to look unattractive, it's more fun. I like playing opposites, people who aren't attractive who think they are pretty. That's always interesting to me. — Amy Sedaris

I love costumes. My dream growing up was always to have my own costume and prop shop. — Amy Sedaris

I failed first grade, which is my biggest problem. You always feel like a failure, like you're stupid. — Amy Sedaris

I have a lot of fake food in my apartment, but I'm picky about it. Old plaster food, like from the '50s is really nice, hollowed out paper-mache food from old plays - the new stuff just looks too good. — Amy Sedaris

I like to decide the night before Thanksgiving that I'm gonna do it, and I'll see what riff raff is around. Then I get that last-minute surge of energy. But if I had two weeks to plan, sometimes I wish I wasn't doing it. But very seldom does that happen. — Amy Sedaris

That's how all theater should be done - you only have one chance to see it and then it's gone. One night only. — Amy Sedaris

If you decide on having an alcoholic at your party, make sure it's a large gathering. This way, until the alcoholic begins removing their clothes or dangling the cat out the window, they can sort of blend in. An alcoholic at a small gathering is called an intervention. — Amy Sedaris

Gay guys know how to craft, and they craft really well. Straight guys, forget it. — Amy Sedaris

On the off chance that you have children, don't clean up at all. As children, my brother and sister and I loved waking up early and playing cocktail party with the leftover debris — Amy Sedaris

The moment someone says, 'Hey, everyone, listen to the words in this song,' your party is over. — Amy Sedaris

I'm very domestic; I love cleaning. I love cooking. I like waiting on people. I just like to make things. I don't break that down to be weakness, or the only things women can do, or putting me back 20 years. — Amy Sedaris

My mother always said 'Don't bother other people.' I think that's good advice. — Amy Sedaris

Whenever I do your show, sometimes I get a little check in the mail and then I take that check and buy a new pair of shoes, and then I wear those shoes the next time I do your show. — Amy Sedaris

I like crafts that are made out of necessity because they're a little naive - you made it because you needed it. — Amy Sedaris

They just expected it to you know ... Paul, Steve and I could have hired our own publicist, if we wanted to, but I kind of liked the way it was more of a cult thing and those that liked it, liked it, you know what I mean? — Amy Sedaris

I love depressing movies and depressing books. — Amy Sedaris

You know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character actors who come in like a breath of fresh air. — Amy Sedaris

Imagination! My problem is that I have so many ideas, I never have enough time to use them all. Just the other day I thought up eleven things I could do with a flowerpot. Eleven! Three of those things didn't even involve plants. — Amy Sedaris

It's natural for humans to suppress urges, for when our desires are left unchecked they lead to broken relationships, prison time, and forest fires. — Amy Sedaris

I hate playing pretty or sane people. Most people are not attractive or all there. — Amy Sedaris

I'm gonna do the whole bedroom in camel color - it's an old lady color. — Amy Sedaris

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be a hospitable person and have groups of people in your home touching your personables. — Amy Sedaris

I choose to do unattractive people, because then I can pretend they think they're attractive. — Amy Sedaris

I swear I want to be a food model. — Amy Sedaris

I've named everything that I've ever owned. Real or inanimate, I have to give it a first and last name. Everything in my apartment comes alive at night. — Amy Sedaris

When I'm by myself, I never play music. I have a lot of it, for a girl, but I don't listen to it a lot. I hate picking music out; I'm not good at it. — Amy Sedaris

I never really take shortcuts. I was always one of those people who, instead of cutting across someone's yard on the way home from school, I would go to the end of the block and turn. — Amy Sedaris

People that know me know that I cook. I cook every night. — Amy Sedaris

Fire had an almost magical quality that suggested anything was possible. Early on, man even believed that fire was a god that had to be fed with animal sacrifices in order to burn brightly. Today we have evolved a long way from this ridiculous notion of a 'fire god' and now rightfully understand God to be a bearded being who lives amongst the clouds and hates Jews and homosexuals. — Amy Sedaris

I love theatrical props: a cup filled with solid fake tea, say, or a collection of fake food, including a rubber turkey, which, during the holidays, I wrap in tinfoil so it appears to have just come out of the oven. — Amy Sedaris

I like people who would rather something be discovered than shoved in your face. — Amy Sedaris

I always find something to keep me busy. — Amy Sedaris

I can't imagine going to an all-girls school. I went to a public school. — Amy Sedaris

I'd just much rather see an ugly person take the trash out than see somebody really pretty taking the trash out. — Amy Sedaris