Secret Humor Quotes & Sayings

I will take his secret to the grave, telling people I meet on the way. — Tom Stoppard

I thought you guys were doing some kind of secret role-playing shit. — M.D. Saperstein

Smartass Disciple: Master, what is the secret recipe of your happiness?
Master of Stupidity: If I tell you, there is nobody left to be made fun of. — Toba Beta

So, what were you doing that was such a secret?"
"Making moonshine."
I stared. "You're kidding me."
"Nope."
"Moonshine? As in rednecks and brown jugs and prohibition?"
Ida Belle drew herself up straight.
"It hasn't been illegal in quite some time. We're hardly rednecks, and we put all of our moonshine into pretty pink cough syrup bottles. — Jana Deleon

All women know that bridesmaid dresses are a secret plot if the devil. — Helena S. Paige

What did people do before they could go online and find answers to secret problems? Oh right, they killed themselves — Davida Wills Hurwin

Kira: L, do you know
Gods of death
love apples?
L: Damn you, Kira ... — Tsugumi Ohba

We have to remember not to tell them, each of them, that they are our new leader. It would only frighten them off, W. says. No one should ever know he or she is our leader, we agree. Only we should know. And we should follow them in secret. — Lars Iyer

Even Colin - the golden boy, the man with the easy smile and devilish humor - had raw spots of his own. He was haunted by unfulfilled dreams and secret insecurities. How unfair she had been when she'd pondered his life, not to allow him his weaknesses. — Julia Quinn

I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours. — Adam Ferrara

Yes, your blondness. What?
"Did you mail off all your applications?"
"I did as ordered, Your Majesty."
"Are you going to tell me where you applied?"
"University of None Ya. University of Mind Your Own. University of Not-tellin'. Big Secret College. And St. Stay-out-of-it Technical College. — Tiffany Reisz

Celibacy is the Tesla family secret, passed down through the
generations."
"Celibacy, passed down through the generations?"Victor asked dryly.
I flushed. "Its efficacy is not disproved by its imperfect application,"
I muttered. — Vinnie Tesla

We fatties have a bond, dude. It's like a secret society. We got all kinds of shit you don't know about. Handshakes, special fat people dances-we got these secret fugging lairs in the center of the earth and we go down there in the middle of the night when all the skinny kids are sleeping and eat cake and friend chicken and shit. Why d'you think Hollis is still sleeping, kafir? Because we were up all night in the secret lair injecting butter frosting into our veins ... A fatty trusts another fatty. — John Green

One of the Keith Commandments is that nothing is secret. — Jessica Pallington West

Lucy stood on her tiptoes and kissed John Hardin on the cheek and pulled him tightly against her. She put his forehead against hers and smiled at him until he blushed. Then, Lucy stepped back, looked at the coffin, and played to the crowd. Who gave my secret away It's just what I always wanted and I can't wait to try it on — Pat Conroy

I was told very sternly at the hospital to avoid boys at all costs. Mess up your levels."
"Oh, they do that!" Amy laughs. "Probably best to leave them alone for a while. The secret, though, is to start with one you're not that bothered about."
What is the point in that? — Teri Terry

I stared up at the sky and raised my middle finger, just in case God was watching. I don't like being spied on. — Annabel Pitcher

I'm a laugh tart. I make no secret of that fact. — Hugh Grant

This small encounter had a disproportionately large effect on me. I saw myself in relief, separate and distinct from the others in the class, and even though he didn't speak to me in that way for a long time, I began to regard Professor Rose as a secret ally. This transformation took place gradually, and I can't say whether it existed solely in my mind or whether he was responsible for it. I know that I started to look forward to seeing him on Tuesdays, that his face was pleasing, his severity undercut by humor, and that I read the assigned books with new zeal. — Siri Hustvedt

I wondered what the FML post would look like.
"Today, when my father tried to shoot me, I found out he was an assassin monger who's been keeping my mom locked away in a secret facility for freaky killers. FML."
Seriously. F.M.L. — Jus Accardo

I agreed to keep the cards a secret and asked my grandmother if she believed in magic. She said she did not but that, surprisingly, magic worked even if you did not believe in it. — Michael Chabon

I think I've discovered the secret of life
you just hang around until you get used to it. — Charles M. Schulz

Librarians are the secret masters of the world. They control information. Don't ever piss one off. — Spider Robinson

So, if there are any couples here this evening having a secret extramarital affair, I encourage you to breed. — Alison Larkin

I was tired of this silly joking about my 'speaking countenance'. I could keep a secret as well as anyone. Poirot had always persisted in the humiliating belief that I am a transparent character and that anyone can read what is passing in my mind. — Agatha Christie

She had a tall bearing and a tall voice and a tall manner, and was tall in every respect except height. Amazingly, she'd apparently been able to keep this a secret from people. — Terry Pratchett

You've heard about the knitter's handshake? Two hands go in for the grab-and-shake, but at the last minute, they veer to the closest sleeve or band and grab it instead while we ask, "Did you knit this? — Clara Parkes

As soon as we got back I ran upstairs and told everyone the story, thus telling everyone the alarm code, thus breaking one of the Ten Commandments when I lied and said I'd keep the code a secret. As I've known for a long, long time now, hell is going to be totally fucking worth it. — Sarah Royal

Secret 7591.42.21. Avoiding weasel words in your intelligence analysis isn't easy when your intelligence analysis is about weasels. — The Covert Comic

The severest test of character is not so much the ability to keep a secret as it is, when the secret is finally out, to refrain from disclosing that you knew it all along. — Sydney J. Harris

I swear on St. Francis, the patron saint of all animals."
Seeing Poppy's hesitation, Beatrix added enthusiastically, "If a band of pirates kidnapped me and took me to their ship and threatened to make me walk the plank over a shiver of starving sharks unless I told them your secret, I still wouldn't tell it. If I were tied by a villain and thrown before a herd of stampeding horses all shod in iron, and the only way to keep from being trampled was to tell the villain your secret, I - — Lisa Kleypas

Imagine someone reaching straight into your chest, past the bones and blood and guts, and taking a nice firm hold on your spinal cord. Now imagine that they start shaking you so fast, the world starts bulging and buckling under you. Imagine not being able to figure out later if the thought in your head is really yours or an unintentional keepsake from someone else's mind. Imagine the guilt of knowing you saw someone's deepest, darkest fear or secret ... — Alexandra Bracken

Obama is not a secret Kenyon, or a secret Muslim, he's a secret Republican. — Bill Maher

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. — George Burns

Mmm, butt bagels." Elody reaches into the bag and pulls out a bagel, half squashed, then makes a big deal of taking an enormous bite out of it. "Taste like Victoria's Secret."
"Taste like thong floss," I say.
"Taste like crack," Lindsay says.
"Taste like fart," Elody says, and Lindsay spits coffee on the dashboard, and I start laughing and can't stop, and all the way to school we're thinking of flavors for butt bagels, and I'm thinking that this
my life, my friends
might be weird or screwy or imperfect or damaged or whatever, but it's never seemed better to me. — Lauren Oliver

And a secret inward voice in my head was saying (in a strange breathy voice ... ) Yes, yessss, I will pop round to The Blind Pig. I will 'pop' round because guess who lives at the Blind Pig? It is not a blind pig, it is Alex. — Louise Rennison

My secret is cool and mysterious like a jagged scar across my chest, and not dull and heavy like I gave up church buy not the angst. — J.C. Lillis

You want to know a secret?"
"Always."
"My real name is Dave."
"I see."
"This doesn't seem to amuse you."
"I met Jeremy the troll a few nights ago."
"Seriously?"
"Seriously. Also known as the Mighty Raaaarrggh! Although ... I can sorta see why you changed the name. 'Dave' isn't knwon for its mysterious, mystic sexiness. — Kate Griffin

I grunted. It's something I picked up over a fifteen-year career in law enforcement. Men have managed to create a complex and utterly impenetrable secret language consisting of monosyllabic sounds and partial words - and they are apparently too thick to realize it exists. Maybe they really are from Mars. I'd been able to learn a few Martian phrases over time, and one of the useful ones was the grunt that meant I acknowledge that I've heard what you said; please continue. — Jim Butcher

Everyone has a secret. — Kristine Cuevas

Vayl, this is not a pleasant moment for me," I confessed.
"No?"
"Locked in a windowless, doorless room with a dancing, headless corpse and a secret sucker that can move fast enought to tear us both a new one if I miss? — Jennifer Rardin

You know how spooky Ashwini is. She called an hour ago to tell me she has a secret stash of handheld grenade launchers she thought I might want to know about. My response was, 'What the fuck? — Nalini Singh

They pulled apart when Keefe shouted, "YOU GUYS HAVE TO SEE THIS!"
They ran to the main room and found Keefe standing under the skylight, holding up Mr. Snuggles like it was a baby lion about to be made king. The sparkly red dragon twinkled almost as much as Keefe's eyes as he said, "I went in to check on our boy and found him cuddling with THIS!"
"Isn't that the same dragon Fitz brought to your house that one time?" Dex asked Sophie.
"WHAT?" Keefe shouted. "YOU KNEW AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?!"
"Mr. Snuggles wasn't my secret to share," Sophie said.
"IT'S NAME IS MR. SNUGGLES?! That is... I can't even..." Keefe ran back to Fitz's room shouting, "ARE YOU MISSING YOUR SNUGGLE BUDDY?!"
"Fitz is going to die of embarrassment, you know that, right?" Biana asked. — Shannon Messenger

Ghosts!" gasped Alice. "Real, live ghosts?"

"No! Not 'real, live ghosts!' Spooky, dead ghosts! — Kellyn Roth

The secret to humor is surprise. — Aristotle.

Did you get a secret thrill out of sitting across from me, eating a civilized dinner while pretending not to know you were teasing my cock?" Rate St. Sebastian — Samanthe Beck

I said she's not thick, kid. I didn't say she was Professor fucking Moriarty. — Tana French

In Ruth's view, they looked 'like a couple' because they seemed to possess some terrible secret between them - they appeared stricken with remorse when they saw her. Only a novelist could ever imagine such nonsense. (In part, it was because of her perverse ability to imagine anything that in this instance Ruth failed to imagine the obvious) — John Irving

THE MOCKINGBIRD All summer the mockingbird in his pearl-gray coat and his white-windowed wings flies from the hedge to the top of the pine and begins to sing, but it's neither lilting nor lovely, for he is the thief of other sounds - whistles and truck brakes and dry hinges plus all the songs of other birds in his neighborhood; mimicking and elaborating, he sings with humor and bravado, so I have to wait a long time for the softer voice of his own life to come through. He begins by giving up all his usual flutter and settling down on the pine's forelock then looking around as though to make sure he's alone; then he slaps each wing against his breast, where his heart is, and, copying nothing, begins easing into it as though it was not half so easy as rollicking, as though his subject now was his true self, which of course was as dark and secret as anyone else's, and it was too hard - perhaps you understand - to speak or to sing it to anything or anyone but the sky. — Mary Oliver

SADNESSES OF THE INTELLECT: Sadness of being misunderstood [sic]; Humor sadness; Sadness of love wit[hou]t release; Sadne[ss of be]ing smart; Sadness of not knowing enough words to [express what you mean]; Sadness of having options; Sadness of wanting sadness; Sadness of confusion; Sadness of domes[tic]ated birds; Sadness of fini[shi]ng a book; Sadness of remembering; Sadness of forgetting; Anxiety sadness . . . INTERPERSONAL SADNESSES: Sadness of being sad in front of one's parent; Sa[dn]ess of false love; Sadness of love [sic]; Friendship sadness; Sadness of a bad conversation; Sadness of the could-have-been; Secret sadness . . . — Jonathan Safran Foer

The secrets I receive reflect the full spectrum of complicated issues that many of us struggle with every day: Intimacy, trust, meaning, humor, and desire. — Frank Warren

They say the secret of success is being at the right place at the right time, but since you never know when the right time is going to be, I figure the trick is to find the right place and just hang around. — Bill Watterson

The Crusaders lead to the Knights Templar; the Knights Templar lead to the Masons; and the Masons lead to the Shriners, a secret society that controls world government, toys with our banking system, and single-handedly keeps the fez industry afloat. — Stephen Colbert

My mom once told me that my dad had given me an alliterative name, Wade Watts, because he thought it sounded like the secret identity of a superhero. Like Peter Parker or Clark Kent. — Ernest Cline

[regarding a toothache] It made me realize how much one's mind is at the mercy of one's physical well-being, as at times I felt quite demented. My admiration for people who withhold information under torture has increased ten-fold since this ghastly night, for I am quite certain that even the threat of such pain would be enough to make me blab put any secret, and even to make up further disclosures if I felt that these might mitigate the pain at all. Truly a most shattering revelation. — Miss Read

Will you promise to keep this to yourself, to not tell anyone of what we are? By his words you'd think he was giving me a choice. Like I could say,no deal, honey bunch, I'm off to shout your secret from the rooftops, and he'd be like, oh no please don't do that. In
reality, he'd have to kill me. — L. H. Cosway

We are puzzle pieces, bragging about being puzzle pieces, rather than being the picture. — Tom Althouse

There is much in our culture to affront the eye of the fervent terrorist postulant, things out there that do us no favors, to be sure. If, for example, it came to light that the dangerously thin, affectless, value-deficient, higher aspiration-free, amateur-porn chanteuse Paris Hilton was actually a covert agent from some secret Taliban madrassa whose mission was to portray the ultimate capitalist-whore puppet of a doomed society with nothing more on its mind than servitude to Mammon and celebrity at any cost, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. — David Rakoff

Dixon was alive again. Consciousness was upon him before he could get out of the way; not for him the slow, gracious wandering from the halls of sleep, but a summary, forcible ejection. He lay sprawled, too wicked to move, spewed up like a broken spider-crab on the tarry shingle of morning. The light did him harm, but not as much as looking at things did; he resolved, having done it once, never to move his eyeballs again. A dusty thudding in his head made the scene before him beat like a pulse. His mouth had been used as a latrine by some small creature of the night, and then as its mausoleum. During the night, too, he'd somehow been on a cross-country run and then been expertly beaten up by secret police. He felt bad. — Kingsley Amis

First one gives off his best picture, the bright and finished product mended with bluff and falsehood and humor. Then more details are required and one paints a second portrait, and third
before long the best lines cancel out
and the secret is exposed at last; the planes of the picture have intermingled and given us away, and though we paint and paint we can no longer sell a picture. We must be satisfied with hoping such fatuous accounts of ourselves as we make to our wives and children and business associates are accepted as true. — F Scott Fitzgerald

The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse — Bill Watterson

They who suspect a Mephistophiles, or sneering, satirical devil, under all, have not learned the secret of true humor, which sympathizes with gods themselves, in view of their grotesque, half-finished creatures. — Henry David Thoreau

She doesn't know," Cate said. "Kellen is a secret. I didn't think my mother would approve."
"Why wouldn't your mother approve?" Pugg asked.
"It's my job," Kellen said. "I kill people. It pays well, but it's not universally socially acceptable. — Janet Evanovich

Here's one secret no one will tell you about getting laid after a date. DON'T TALK. Most girls blame either their looks or excessive timidity for their virginity. This is only true to an extent. These girls are also horribly annoying."
- Aurelia Nichols & Jillie Bean, 101 Tips to Lose Your Virginity after 25 — Camilla Monk

As we continue toward the fifth secret technique of psychics, I have a gut feeling that you are the sort of person that lets your heart rule your head, can sometimes be too impulsive for your own good, and have recently come into contact with a goat. Rest assured you are not the only one. — Richard Wiseman

We weren't really friends yet, just knowers of each other's secret stuff. — M. Beth Bloom

No one will ever ask me to sing because it's beautiful. My secret is hiding my musicianship behind humor. — Nick Offerman

It was hard to tell if he was lying, or really believed his own bullshit. "We're good for each other. You give me what I need. I give you what you need. No one needs to know what that is because it's a secret between us. So we put on our suit. That's the investment: us. — Dan Skinner

Nonsense. Everyone knows Canadians are a peaceful people." He was laughing now.
"Tell that to the White House circa 1812," I told him.
"Oh? Why?"
"Because that's the year the peace-loving Canadians burned it to the ground."
Dominick grabbed an empty bottle and jumped onto his chair. The room got silent in an instant as everyone paused to look at him. "Cheers to 1812." He lifted his empty bottle.
The whole room whooped and raised their full glasses, howling in unison.
I could barely hear over the sound of my own laughter. — Sierra Dean

If by 'foe' you mean a brutal killer, then I suppose I'd fall into the 'friend' category," I replied cynically. "Although in your case, we may have to find a secret option number three. — M.A. George

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. — Groucho Marx

I'll let you in on a secret. I don't drink coffee."

I genuinely gasped in horror. "The devil you say. Java is the nectar of the gods. I don't know if I can be with a man who doesn't drink coffee." I knew there was something sinister about him. I had no idea it would be that bad. — Charlie Cochet

I am no longer a Silent Brother," he said. "Only an ordinary man. My name is James, James Carstairs. But everyone calls me Jem. — Cassandra Clare

How's Alison getting on?'

Conway snorted. 'Tucked up in the sick room like she's dying in some season finale. Little fadey voice on her and all. She's having a great old time. — Tana French

I finally figured out the big, elusive secret to weight loss. Don't eat! Who knew? — Richelle E. Goodrich

It is odd how, when you have a secret belief of your own which you do not wish to acknowledge, the voicing of it by someone else will rouse you to a fury of denial. — Agatha Christie

My mother was either telepathic or she had secret cameras in my apartment, and I hoped for the latter. — Atom Yang

We are legion, an army of millions. Though most of us will go to any length to hide our compulsions, we recognize one another. The guy using a paper towel to turn the restroom doorknob, the child counting his eyelashes, the old man wearing Kleenex boxes for shoes - these are my brothers. We are a secret tribe. We're like Freemasons, except that our secret handshake is followed by a vigorous washing session. — Jennifer Traig

For the first time in memory, I was unable to sleep not because I was anxious but because I was excited. To live in a damp crowded asshole and sing
if these guys don't know the secret to living, I don't know who does. (The Grieving Owl, page 157) — David Sedaris

And I ask myself what it is about me that makes this wonderful, beautiful woman return. Is it because I'm pathetic, helpless in my current state, completely dependent on her? Or is it my sense of humour, my willingness to tease her, to joke my way into painful, secret places? Do I help her understand herself? Do I make her happy? Do I do something for her that her husband and son can't do? Has she fallen in love with me?
As the days pass and I continue to heal, my body knitting itself back together, I begin to allow myself to think that she has. — Mohsin Hamid

Well, it's not easy to find something that you do not know exists. — Patricia Nedelea

Believe it or not, this simple phrase, "Yes! And . . ." is the secret of improv. — Amy Lisewski

A lot of who you were in middle age was determined before you had a chance to manipulate, control, or eve understand the things around you. It was no mystery, he thought, why some old people's minds returned to their youth; the wonder of those years, the discoveries, the first experience with the dirty secret of death, and the first stirrings of lust and love were indelible, drawn in luminous colors on clean canvas. Indeed, the first sex act was so mind-boggling that most people could still remember it clearly twenty, thirty, sixty years later. — Nelson DeMille

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in heaven. — Mark Twain

The balanced adult retains an inner child. The secret is to know when to put him away. — Anthony North

You've met our guards." He gestured at the silent cylindrical guide. "The secret warriors: the binja. — China Mieville

Such frankness, even over good tidings, was a further offense to Mr. Fremlin. He felt that it was casual and indecent. Like most countrymen, he had a great respect for traditional mysteries. A little skill decently wrapped up impressed him far more than twice the amount flung nakedly at his feet. Old Dr. Milsom had satisfied his sense of propriety. Never, never would he have told a patient whether or not she was going to live or die; the temperature was his secret, even the name of the complain transpired only in dark hints. Standing by the bedside he would shake his head and purse his lips and consult his gold turnip-watch, so that you felt you were getting the benefit of a rare and esoteric wisdom. — Dennis Parry

Patience slows down time and more can happen when time is slowed down. That's the secret of patience. — Art Hochberg

I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted. — David Cross

They don't know you're secretly a badass? — Rachel Caine

He speaks in a different language with a voice that's already like sand shifting over metal, and my insides flip out. He's inadvertently flicked some weird switch inside me, and there's no turning back once it's there. Apparently I really like hearing someone speak in Hungarian or Polish or Russian or whatever it is he's speaking, while trapped in a closet. I'm a secret subscriber to Trapped in a Polish Closet magazine. — Charlotte Stein

But having people meet my family was a secret fear. It would be like taking someone to a dark room to show them my anal fissures, and you can't just go introducing everybody to your anal fissures. Only special people get to see such as that. — Harrison Scott Key

Bursar?"
"Yes, Archchancellor?"
"You ain't a member of some secret society or somethin', are you?"
"Me? No, Archchancellor."
"Then it'd be a damn good idea to take your underpants off your head. — Terry Pratchett

Secret 3963. It's only a sucking chest wound if you're not the shooter. — The Covert Comic

Other mages have an odd attitude towards diviners. By the standards of, say, elemental mages. We can't gate, we can't attack, we can't shield, and when it comes to physical action our magic is about as useful as a bicycle in a trampolining contest. But we can see anywhere and learn anything and there's no secret we can't uncover if we try hard enough. So when an elemental mage looks at a diviner, the elemental mage knows he could take him in a straight fight with no more effort that it would take to tie his shoes. On the other hand, the elemental mage also knows that the diviner could find out every one of his most dirty and embarrassing secrets and, should hi feel like it, post copies of them to everyone the elemental mage has ever met. It creates a mixture of uneasiness and contempt that doesn't encourage warm feelings. There's a reason most of my friends aren't mages. — Benedict Jacka

Something about telling that story made my gut grow back together."
What?"
Oh, nothing. Just thinking out loud."
That's who you really like. The people you can think out loud in front of."
The people who've been in your secret hiding places."
The people you bite your thumb in front of."
Hi."
Hi."
... "
... "
Wow. My first Lindsey."
My second Colin."
That was fun. Let's try it again."
Sold."
... "
... "
... "
... — John Green

It was a lame excuse, and I knew that wasn't the reason he was canceling. If he wanted to avoid me, I would have preferred he made up something about how he and the other guardians had to up Moroi security or practice top-secret ninja moves. — Richelle Mead

It is imperative that a woman keep her sense of humor intact and at the ready. She must see, even if only in secret, that she is the funniest, looniest woman in her world, which she should also see as being the most absurd world of all times. — Maya Angelou

I have a plan."
He groaned. "I was afraid of that."
"My plans are not terrible."
"Isabelle's plans are terrible." He pointed a finger at her. "Your plans are suicidal. At best."
She sat back, her arms crossed over her chest. "Do you want to hear it or not? You have to keep it a secret."
"I would pluck out my own eyes with a fork before I would give away your secrets," Simon said, then looked anxious. "Wait a second. Do you think that's likely to be required? — Cassandra Clare

There are men on that Commission who would steal the brakes off a mountain railway just before they went down in it...It's a struggle with suicidal imbeciles.

The Secret Places of The Heart (Kindle Location 59) — H.G.Wells