Scottish Humor Quotes & Sayings

Lydia had been fantasizing about him to the point she nearly drove him insane with it. It had taken four days for his energy to weaken inside her enough that he could go and visit her without fear she would throw him across the town in a gust of wind, and thus cause a scene. Although, getting run out of town after one day would be a new MacGregor record. — Michelle M. Pillow

Amelia envisaged that between York and the royal-infested Scottish Highlands there was a grimy wasteland of derelict cranes and abandoned mills and betrayed, yet still staunch, people. Oh and moorland, of course, vast tracts of brooding landscape under lowering skies, and across this heath strode brooding, lowering men intent on reaching their ancestral houses, where they were going to fling open doors and castigate orphaned yet resolute governesses. Or - preferably - the brooding, lowering men were on horseback, black horses with huge muscled haunches, glistening with sweat - — Kate Atkinson

New Rule: Stop calling bagpipes a musical instrument. They're actually a Scottish Breathalyzer test. You blow into one end, and if the sound that comes out the other end doesn't make you want to kill yourself
you're not drunk enough. — Bill Maher

On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside. — Frankie Boyle

As recently as 1950, the Scottish pathologist John Glaister included in his text the tale of a man "who was apprehended after having been seen to have unnatural intercourse with a duck," leaving us to wonder precisely what natural intercourse with a duck would involve. — E.J. Wagner

Well, my love," said Alexia with prodigious daring to Lord Maccon, "shall we?" The earl started to move forward and then stopped abruptly and looked down at her, not moving at all. "Am I?"
"Are you what?" She peeked up at him through her tangled hair, pretending confusion. There was no possible way she was going to make this easy for him.
"Your love?"
"Well, you are a werewolf, Scottish, naked, and covered in blood, and I am still holding your hand."
He sighed in evident relief. "Good. That is settled, then. — Gail Carriger

You could paint my nob tartan and call it Throb Roy. — Timothy Lea

The Proclaimers thunder through my head.
Imagine it.
Imagine killing someone to the tune of two Scottish nerds wearing glasses and flattop haircuts. How will I ever listen to that song again? What will I do if it comes on the radio? I'll think of the night I murdered another man and stole his life with my own hands. — Markus Zusak

Have I nothing new, nothing diverting, in my whimsical way, thou askest in one of thy letters to entertain thee with? and thou tellest me that, when I have least to narrate, to speak in the scottish phrase, I am most diverting, a pretty compliment either to thyself , or to me, to both indeed! a sign that thou hast as frothy a heart as I a head ! — Samuel Richardson

Do not pay attention to my cousins. Every family needs a couple idiots and we keep them around for entertainment. — Michelle M. Pillow

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg ... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder. — Bill Bailey

He's not wearing ... " Charlotte began.
"I know. He doesn't," Lydia answered. — Michelle M. Pillow

The Scots (originally Irish, but by now Scotch) were at this time inhabiting Ireland, having driven the Irish (Picts) out of Scotland; while the Picts (originally Scots) were now Irish (living in brackets) and vice versa. It is essential to keep these distinctions clearly in mind (and verce visa). — W.C. Sellar

I'm Scottish. My idea of foreplay is roll over, Margaret. — Andrea Speed

Francesca: It's still a bit cold yet.
Michael: Never stopped John and me.
Francesca: Yes, well, you're Scottish. Your blood circulates quite well half frozen. — Julia Quinn

Many mickles make a muckle. — Ron Chernow

There ya are." Erik grinned at her as he came bounding down the steps two at a time. He stepped around his statue of a sister as if such a thing were normal. Perhaps here it was. He paused, nodding at Malina. "Morning, banshee." He gave a small brotherly laugh and poked his thumb toward her face. "She does kind of look like a banshee with her hair flying around like that and her mouth all open. Yeah, ma froze her good. See how her eyes don't move?" Erik leaned closer to her and grinned as he looked into her mouth. "Ha, Euann put a mint in there. — Michelle M. Pillow

He kissed the corner of her lips before whispering by her ear, And that was just my hand, love. — Michelle M. Pillow

Ly-di-ah! I sit beneath your window, laaaass, singing 'cause I loooove your a - "
"For the love of St. Francis of Assisi, someone call a vet. There is an injured animal screaming in pain outside," Charlotte interrupted the flow of music in ill-humor. — Michelle M. Pillow

Am I on your walk of shame? You did sleep with the right MacGregor, didn't you? — Michelle M. Pillow

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine. — Frankie Boyle

The website increases my excitement when I read, "Hark, the pies are calling!" My excitement is short-lived, however. I read the page again and realize that it is "pipes" that are calling, not "pies" as I had hoped. I am disappointed. I personally react better to the call of pies. — Aefa Mulholland

Ya were going to turn me into a rat? Had I known that I wouldn't have tried to turn ya into a snake. — Michelle M. Pillow

Maddie squirmed out from under him. "I'm sorry. So sorry. I know this is supposed to be physical. Impersonal. It's only that I keep thinking of lobsters."
He flipped onto his back and lay there, blinking up at the ceiling. "Until just now, I would have said there was nothing remaining that could surprise me in bed. I was wrong."
She sat up, drawing her knees to her chest. "I am the girl who made up a Scottish lover, wrote him scores of letters, and kept up an elaborate ruse for years. Does it really surprise you that I'm odd?"
"Maybe not."
"Lobsters court for months before mating. Before the male can mate with her, the female has to feel secure enough to molt out of her shell. If a spiny sea creature is worth months of effort, can't I have just a bit more time? I don't understand the urgency. — Tessa Dare

Come with me, sweet lass, and I'll make good on me promise to chase ye through the woods like a highlander." Broen spoke in a rich timbre laced with good humor. " Ye there ... Lads, be sporting now and let me ravish this charming creature the way only a Scotsman can! — Mary Wine

I've got a bit of Scottish Blood ... On my kitchen knife!! — Milton Jones

His head tilted to the side and humor twinkled in his dark eyes. "Turn yer back."
'Are you shy? What's wrong, big guy? Afraid to show me your Scottish bagpipe? Are ye built like a moose and hung like a mouse? — Vonnie Davis

The count said in careful English, "That was perhaps not, as you English say, very sporting."
"Games are played to win," Cameron said. "And we're Scottish. — Jennifer Ashley

Ulrik's smile grew, while his gold eyes glittered with humor. There are those who think me inconsequential. Others don't know what threat I am. Still others would disregard me. They'll all learn soon enough. — Donna Grant