Scifi Humor Quotes & Sayings

I think we have different value systems." - Arthur
"Well mine's better." - Ford — Douglas Adams

Feeling extremely foolish, the acting representative of Homo sapiens watched his First Contact stride away across the Raman plain, totally indifferent to his presence. — Arthur C. Clarke

Is this neuro-bot really supposed to be her, this creature, this thing, compiled of the ghosts of human data, the replicas of their past? — Bremer Acosta

Gabrielle chuckled, her dark eyes twinkling. "So he's been after you, has he? Poor Etta, pursued by a sun priest offering to pleasure - "
"Every nook and cranny," Marietta interrupted dryly and Gabrielle tipped her head back with a throaty laugh. — Michelle O'Leary

If you get the urge, then write about it. — Terry Brooks

We always had the greatest arguments over sex and fishing. — Douglas Adams

Your hair is like butterflies," Sebastian said, giggling like a child.
"That's nice," Firen said impatiently. "Keep moving."
"Fantastic. I always like my days better with a touch of insanity," Gabriella quipped. — Laura Kreitzer

It looks like you are trying to escape utter annihilation. Would you like some assistance?" - WEST — Sabrina Zbasnik

The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. — Douglas Adams

Can you even have human nature if you don't have the capacity to feel?" I ask.
"Do you mean on some kind of existentialist 'what are we if not the things we feel' kind of way?" I don't know what he means by existentialist. I say as much. He laughs. I entertain the idea of stabbing him for several minutes. — Ellis Adler

What the Lady was happening? The man had his mouth smashing on Tarin's, and his tongue was shoving at Tarin's tongue. Tarin tried to scream. The men did eat boys. It wasn't just a scary fire-rumor. He bucked his body and writhed. He was going to be consumed alive!

"Lady!" he bawled like a little kid. It sort of worked.

The man moved his mouth and laughed.
"Now, no fussing. I won't hurt you if you're a good boy."

"Don't eat me," moaned Tarin. He was too scared to be brave. This was why no boys ever escaped from the Before Times buildings. The men ate them! No wonder men were so sleek and strong. They had boy meat to get them through the winter — Syd McGinley

Oh get over it Cecilia! You are no longer human. Such decorum doesn't exist amongst our kind — Eve Masters

I don't understand humans." Caradoc shook his head. "It takes their brightest minds decades to plan an unmanned voyage to the nearest planet, which can take a year to travel each way. Yet they expect there to be aliens travelling distances it takes light decades to reach us, just for a weekend of bum fun with a total stranger without asking their permission, before dropping them off where they found them. They're just dying to believe the weirdest, least plausible things possible. — Dylan Perry

I'll stab him," offers Jaden as she makes a stabbing motion.
"You expect me to play along?" Rob scoffs, gripping his arm protectively.
"Pretty much," replies Landon earnestly.
"You're serious?"
"As a heart attack."
"No," argues Rob. "I'm not going to let Jaden - or anyone else - skewer me." He's greeted with an amused silence. "Bleedin' crime is what it is," he mutters. "Why can't someone else go all noble sacrifice-y? It's because I'm English, ain't it? — Laura Kreitzer

Goodnight baby, sleep in peace. After you kill that bitch!"
"Goodnight mom! — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Traveling through space is for the birds. I'm bored ... should've brought the wife.
Poseidon, the Okeanos Pantheon. — Yelle Hughes

The problem is, or rather one of the problems, for there are many, a sizeable proportion of which are continually clogging up the civil, commercial, and criminal courts in all areas of the Galaxy, and especially, where possible, the more corrupt ones, this.
The previous sentence makes sense. That is not the problem.
This is:
Change.
Read it through again and you'll get it. — Douglas Adams

Ari to Fleur:
"I made plans for your glorious self."
"Do they require nudity?"
"Extensive. Prolonged."
Fleur's smile was so wide he thought her jaw must hurt. — Patricia A. Knight

You know what, Michael? I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship of loathing. — Meinos Kaen

I like to eat chicken, but I don't like live chickens. With their feathers and beaks and weird noises and flapping wings." He visibly shivers, then points above his right eye. "How'd you think I got this scar?"
"I thought you said your sister threw something at you when you were a kiddie."
Rob gives him a meaningful look.
"A chicken?"
Rob points at his scar again. "Them things are no joke. — Laura Kreitzer

Gods take whoever designed this crawlspace and jam them inside a sardine can. Then put that sardine can inside a pill box and shoot both into a black hole. Ugh, and I am having a very long discussion with Orn and his habit of throwing old candy sticks through the grates! — Sabrina Zbasnik

We are being fired upon."

"By what?"

"A ham sandwich. — Sabrina Zbasnik

Hey this is terrific!" Zaphod said. "Someone down there is trying to kill us! — Douglas Adams

This is the Rock, sweetheart," the owner added. "There's no tragedy you can't profit from. — Henry Mosquera

When the nurse leaves, Doctor Rose mouths, "Act like you're in pain." Then she mimics a painful expression in case Summer doesn't understand. On the contrary, Summer's an expert at interpreting body language and reading lips. It's all thanks to her observant nature while enslaved on the Cosmos. Who else could tell that Peter's discomfort is due to him wearing the same pair of underwear for a week straight? Ah, yes, she always knew when day six and seven approached. She watched the crew member with much amusement as he waddled, pulled wedgies, and scratched his bum relentlessly. Not that anyone else cared to know that little nugget of information. — Laura Kreitzer

This world was no place for anyone with access to another. — Joe Haldeman

May they run free forever and grow back their limbs! — Henry Mosquera

SciFi: When there's a serious problem and everyone decides to solve it sensibly. — Elaine Greywalker

She feels a little sad. Is she sad? Helen considers an alternative: She is dehydrated. — Meg Howrey

Frankie runs a sex moon and has kids. My head hurts just thinking about it. You still keep up with her, too, then?"
Ryelle's face took on a hunted expression. "She sends me coupons, Declan. — Michelle O'Leary

The only thing altruism will get you here is a boot stomping on your head. — Henry Mosquera

Drainage tubes ran out of his belly and side, and there was a catheter the size of a pencil coming out his penis. Nothing particularly hurt, so he had to assume he was on pretty nearly all the narcotics there were. — James S.A. Corey

In true Bastien form - and keeping in mind that he's only seven at the time - he yanks off his helmet, throws his backpack down, and lies on the ground, using the helmet for a pillow, and says to them, and I quote verbatim, 'Later, bitches. I'm done for the day. Y'all can carry me home or call for a lift. Either way, I ain't moving from here. My ass is too precious for this abuse. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Three more awards received in 2017
Gold for Seb Cage Begins His Adventures
Gold for The Time Slipsters
Silver for The Deaduction Agency — Terry Tumbler

Fleur to Doral:
"My love for you and Ari cannot be measured in words. It can only be measured by what I will do for you. Absolutely anything. By what I want for you. Absolutely everything. I would move Verdantia from her orbit to defend you from all that would hurt you." She rose and crossed to him, sliding into his lap and snuggling into his broad chest. She hugged him fiercely.

"You are mine, Doral, every bit as much as Ari. Those who hurt you do so at their peril. — Patricia A. Knight

Don't worry about it. If I'm wrong, Security is monitoring me every second."
"That just means they'll know who to charge with your murder," said Forrice.
"Are you always this optimistic?"
"I have to be an optimist," explained Forrice. "I won't have anyone to tease if they kill you. — Mike Resnick

ORN!" Variel shouted.
"Yeah yeah, kill us all. I got it," the dwarf grumbled. — Sabrina Zbasnik

The Chairman glared across three hundred and eighty thousand kilometers of space at Conrad Taylor, who reluctantly subsided, like a volcano biding its time. — Arthur C. Clarke

What's with savage humans always wanting to cannibalize us?" Jaden asks as she runs past Summer to check for any more of the Tainted around the corner.
"They want to suck your blood," Rob says in a Romanian accent.
Jaden snorts. Too bad humor won't help them out of this mess. — Laura Kreitzer

...You can always tell a Party Girl by her foot tattoo... — Inejiro Koizumi

We know they've got food here," Loran said ever practical. "What more do we need?"

"Well, as much as I heartily approve of food," Jason replied, glancing over at Loran. "I wouldn't say no to the odd cellium mine or cache of alien tech."

"You're picking up some alien tech?" Tennant asked excitedly, practically bouncing at the prospect. "Are there any weapons?"

"No, of course not," Jason snapped in exasperation. "I'm not picking up anything. But, ahh... I'll be sure to keep running that particular scan - the alien weapon scan," he added hurriedly in appeasement as Tennant's face dropped. — Claire Russett

Investigate the faeries. Great. That was absolutely guaranteed to get complicated before I got any useful answers. If there was one thing faeries hated doing, it was giving you a straight answer, about anything. Getting plain speech out out of one is like pulling out teeth. Your own teeth. Through your nose. — Jim Butcher

Slowly, Jimmy held up his outstretched hands. Men had been arguing for two hundred years about this gesture; would every creature, everywhere in the universe, interpret this as "See
no weapons"? But no one could think of anything better. — Arthur C. Clarke

Solutions sometimes present themselves after a reset. — Les Lynam

They left Puonvangi at the 303rd in the company of a riotous party of Binlisi conventioneers. The Birilisi were an avian species and much given to excessive narcoticism; they and Puonvangi were guaranteed to get on. There was much fluttering. — Iain M. Banks

They're only askin' you to do one thing. From what Rogue says, you ain't exactly reluctant."
"F**k myself into a coma. Sure, I can do that. Then what?"
"Uh, wait an hour? — Michelle O'Leary

My whore of a brother has done it again." "Then, as always, orders me to clean up the mess." "I think I hate him." Poseidon to his brother, Zeus. — Yelle Hughes

I'm not bipolar, I've just had a bipolar life foisted upon me. — Daniel O'Malley

Every Forsaken in a mile radius can probably hear you. You're just asking for trouble if you two don't stop whipping out the measuring stick."
"It's his fault," Avery snaps, pointing at Julian.
"Shut up, ya wanker."
They start in on each other again. They yell as if they both have megaphones to their mouths, standing inches apart. Each vulgar insult is more illogical than the last. — Laura Kreitzer