Sci Fi Humor Quotes & Sayings

Man is an endangered species. — L. Ron Hubbard

It's you," she murmured, staring at his eyes, a fine, dove gray.
He smiled. "Of course, it's me. Let's get you back to your boat. — Cheryl Sterling

Share and Enjoy' is the company motto of the hugely successful Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Complaints Division, which now covers the major land masses of three medium-sized planets and is the only part of the Corporation to have shown a consistent profit in recent years.
The motto stands
or rather stood
in three mile high illuminated letters near the Complaints Department spaceport on Eadrax. Unfortunately its weight was such that shortly after it was erected, the ground beneath the letters caved in and they dropped for nearly half their length through the offices of many talented young Complaints executives
now deceased.
The protruding upper halves of the letters now appear, in the local language, to read "Go stick your head in a pig," and are no longer illuminated, except at times of special celebration. — Douglas Adams

Carol, I thought you didn't liked playing with the minds of normal people."
"Yes, but the press don't count as normal."
"She's got you there," HARV added. — John Zakour

As a matter of fact, Ona spent more credits on the window shades alone than you will make in your entire lifetime and that's if you live to be 185."
"And that's meant to make me feel better?" I said.
"No, that is meant to inform you. I am your computer not your nanny. — John Zakour

I smiled, reached into my pockets and pulled out a pair of ultrapowerful earplugs, the kind that are standard issue for skyway construction workers, artillery soldiers, and roadies for the thirty-five most popular teen boy bands. — John Zakour

Please stop sniffing the robot boy, Noemi tells herself, jerking out of the trance. — Claudia Gray

How bad is it?"
"The story is only just now being reported, but let's put it this way," HARV said. "The bag is now clearly catless, and there's a very foul odor coming from the fan. — John Zakour

I was on the floor. "Um, a little help?"
Christopher put his hand down. Martini cleared his throat and Christopher's hand retracted.
"I can handle it, thanks."
"There's nothing amorous about pulling someone off the floor," Christopher muttered.
"There is when I do it. — Gini Koch

Walking into Nova Hollywood, I remembered why I didn't come here more often. I like a good slice of cheese as much as the next guy, but this place would be too cheesy for a giant mutant rat who had been starving for a week. — John Zakour

No good deed goes unpunished - Oscar Wilde — Allen Mack

The princess turns to him, serious. 'You are the one my great-grandfather spoke of: a denizen of Earth wearing a dirty apron who falls down a shaft and lands in sticky goo to lead the Brundeedle race out of Woe Time.': — Eric Laster

Kitty, do you have the bottle?"
"In my purse. Which is in my room. Not that I think I can find my room from here."
"I'll get it," Martini said. He stood up and disappeared. Ten seconds later he was back, bottle in hand.
"What kept you?"
"That purse gets worse every time I look inside. — Gini Koch

It is a foible of our human nature that when we have an extremely unpleasant experience, it gives us a peculiar satisfaction if it is "the biggest" of its disagreeable kind that has happened since the world began. During a heat wave, for instance, we are very pleased if the papers announce that it is "the highest temperature reached since the year 1881," and we feel a little resentment towards the year 1881 for having gone us one better. Or if our ears are frozen till all the skin peels off, it fills us with a certain happiness to learn that "it was the hardest frost recorded since 1786." It is just the same with wars. The war in progress is either the most righteous or the bloodiest, or the most successful, or the longest, since such and such a time; any superlative whatever always affords us the proud satisfaction of having been through something extraordinary and record-breaking. — Karel Capek

Clarke's First Law - Corollary: When, however, the lay public rallies round an idea that is denounced by distinguished but elderly scientists and supports that idea with great fervor and emotion - the distinguished but elderly scientists are then, after all, probably right. — Isaac Asimov

Cumquats? I've had a few, but then again, tofu dementia. — Robert Leland Taylor

They say nothing!" the little captain raged. "They only putrid gunner, ship engineer. I, Ba-Karkar, must speak for all!"

Ogu kicked him again. "Then ask what kind help Asahel wants, untranslatable epithet male. Or no more untranslatable for you! Never again in putrid boomer prison."

Her husband gave a choked gasp. "Cruel female!"

"No more sex, either," she added. — Julian May

The cybernetic operation?"
"No, the sex change."
The doctor's smile faltered.
"I'm joking. — Marissa Meyer

What song would lull a snake into submission? "John Mayer?"
"Over my dead body."
"Could be, Tim, could be. — Gini Koch

We lifted up and then bobbed.
"Back! Pull it back!" (Christopher)
"It's hard." (Kitty)
"The ground is harder!" (Christopher) — Gini Koch

HARV appeared in front of me, arms crossed, head tilted. "You really should read your e-mails from Randy more carefully," he lectured.
"I skim them," I protested.
"Well, if you skimmed them more carefully you would know that prolonged exposure to stealth mode may lead to side effects."
"I can handle ... "
"Impotence." HARV smiled.
"Oh," I said.
"Randy hasn't really tested it on humans. It's extra tough to get volunteers for those types of experiments," HARV said. "Though he has computer simulated it and the results tend to support this conclusion."
"Let's try to limit our use of stealth mode from now on," I said. — John Zakour

His hand snapped shut over the device and then he crossed his arms. Aria stared in horror. Her Smarteye was buried in a Neanderthal's armpit. — Veronica Rossi

My number one fear is heights. Well, not so much the heights but the falling from heights. Actually the falling isn't that bad (I have a strong heart), it's the sudden stops that are painful. Believe me - I experienced it once. — John Zakour

Great Gates almighty," HARV said inside my brain. "I go off-line for a few nanos and the whole world goes to DOS. — John Zakour

You've never had wok-seared spicy broccoli until you've had takeout trans-temporal wok-seared spicy broccoli delivered by a copy of yourself. — Magnus Von Black

May they run free forever and grow back their limbs! — Henry Mosquera

I was sitting on the couch in the living room, pouring through an old sci-fi novel I'd found in one of the ruins, and I could hear the water bubbling as he cooked. The spaghetti smelled good, but I knew he'd probably put something crazy in it like popcorn or marshmallows, so I ignored my rumbling belly. — Ash Gray

Kidnapping is a harsh word."
"But accurate. I assume you're not going to hang around Mars until I fix the software bug, if a problem ever existed. I'm on a one-way voyage to Slakeria, right? — Cheryl Sterling

Stupid Ape: I had to quantify this with the word "stupid" so as not to offend the ape community. Large of limb, impotent of intellect, he was the kind of guy who lettered in leg-breaking at thug school but flunked the written exam because he didn't know which end of the e-pencil to use. — John Zakour

Darrow: "Does he really believe believe in magic?" I ask.
Daxo Au Telemanus: "He says gnomes steals ear wax from him at night. Mother thinks he's been hit too many times in the head." Daxo backs away following his father. But he can't hide the his clever smile as he pops a jellybean into his mouth. And I see where the ones in my pocket came from. "I say he just lives in a more entertaining world than we do. — Pierce Brown

I can tell you that she's not breathing," he said. "She has no heartbeat and all organ function and brain activity have stopped. Also her body temperature is now at seventy-three degrees."
"So you're saying that she's dead," I said.
"Well, I can't prove it, but, yes, I am leaning that way. — John Zakour

Thomas: Is it [my brain] fixed?
Brenda: It worked, judging from the fact that you're not trying to kill us anymore ... — James Dashner

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension. — Steven Wright

The Law of Chaos: Any activity or event that seems to lie beyond the boundaries of possibility will usually be the first thing to occur. — Ian Strang

Forget it," I said. "Opie could be bloodthirsty, rabid, radioactive, and selling life insurance and he'd still be preferable to listening to the two of you. — John Zakour

The Tanakee are thought to possess strange, almost supernatural powers.Their eyes are described as large and hypnotic. From Tribe of the Teddy Bear — J. Joseph Wright

Just my luck: My bloodthirsty killing machine was better with both kids and women than I was. — Mark L. Van Name

Yeah, but will it hurt?"' I asked.
"This is science, Zach," Randy said, reassuringly, as he tilted my head back and lowered the lens to my eye. "Of course it will hurt. — John Zakour

The Law of Logical Insanity: Anything that can easily be explained using common sense and rational thought is probably too simplistic and therefore false and untrue. — Ian Strang

Vivi stood and crumpled the report. "Who's the CEO at Slakerian?"
"Jakes Echabarne," her assistant said, not glancing at any notes.
"Arrange a meeting." No one messed around with Hunting4TrueLove, whether she held the reins or not. — Cheryl Sterling

No thanks," I answered, "I never take rides from strangers, thugs who've tried to kill me or people with poor personal hygiene. Congratulations, by the way, for being the first person to qualify in all three categories. — John Zakour

The door to Jakes' office slammed against the wall, and Vivi barreled through the opening. "Turn this ship around right now. — Cheryl Sterling

I want that little blonde bitch in the lobby to hear me screaming your name. — Aaron B. Powell

Three lights should be fine." - Zachary
"Aye, well if it wis me, I'd want a bloody lighthoose beacon comin' oot o' my arse." - True MacDonald — Steve Alten

The main reception foyer was almost empty but Ford nevertheless weaved his way through it. — Douglas Adams

Sheriff, are you suggestin' the victom was kidnapped?"
"I'm only statin' that, at this time, we have no body, only nonvital body parts ... — Steve Alten

W turned on his heel and began walking toward the door at the far wall. And by walking I mean, of course, not moving at all, at least not to the naked eye, because his strides could only be measured in micrometers. His creaky legs made barely the tiniest of forward steps, so he'd taken four strides before I noticed any lateral movement at all.
"I'll be right back."
"Geologically speaking, of course," HARV said. — John Zakour

The lights were off so that his heads could avoid looking at each other because neither of them was currently a particular engaging sight, nor had they been since he had made the error of looking into his soul.
It had indeed been an error.
It had been late one night
of course.
It had been a difficult day
of course.
There had been soulful music playing on the ship's sound system
of course.
And he had, of course, been slightly drunk.
In other words, all the usual conditions that bring on a bout of soul searching had applied, but it had, nevertheless, clearly been an error. — Douglas Adams

In accordance with the terms of the Clarke-Asimov treaty, the second-best
science writer dedicates this book to the second-best science-fiction
writer.
[dedication to Isaac Asimov from Arthur C. Clarke in his book Report on Planet Three] — Arthur C. Clarke

The story of how I left Huckleberry begins
as do all worthy stories
with a goat — John Scalzi

I'm the terrorist, do what I say or I'll terrorize you. — D.J. MacHale

So, what you're basically telling me is death is boring but no worse than hanging out with family. — John Zakour

Welcome to the Information Jungle. — Tad Williams

The ability to speak does not make you intelligent. — George Lucas

I told you it was easy," HARV said.
"True, but you say that about everything."
"That's because everything is easy for me."
"Everything but humility."
"No, that's easy, too. I just choose not to practice it. — John Zakour

Do I really run like that?" (Kitty)
"Yup," Martini confirmed. "Don't worry, I think it's sexy."
"Thank God. I think I look like a cheetah on drugs. — Gini Koch

The Law of Moronic Ubiquity: Anything in the universe that is generally considered to be idiot-proof will eventually be ruined by an idiot. — Ian Strang

An older, inebriated Scot who looked like he'd been sitting on his barstool all day looked me up and down, then smelled the air. "Heh, neebr, goat a deid an'mal in yer bac'pac, or iz it ye tha' bloody stinks?"
My brain took a moment to translate. "Actually, yes, there is a dead animal in my backpack, but I probably stink, too. — Steve Alten

Don't worry, boss," HARV said. "I get the feeling that this is only the tip of the iceberg of complications."
"HARV, you're a machine. You don't get feelings."
"Would it make you feel better if I said I've done a numerical analysis on the probabilities and the results are skewed toward you having more problems with this case? — John Zakour

Deep down, we all have our dark thoughts, Kathy. Mine are no different than any others. My life was planned for me, like my body was engineered to be what it is, a Prime Elite. But underneath it all I am still a man. Though I did not want this bonding at the beginning, it is now a part of me . . . and a part of you. We will work things out, my wife and we will do it together, that is what I accept. Also," he adjusted his arm around her, feeling her discomfort. "I know that without you there is an emptiness that I cannot put into words. It is an emptiness that I will not live with. Thus, I do not wish to be free of you . . . ever. — K.L. Tharp

How, exactly, did I kill him? He died on the golf course." One minute he'd been practicing his swing, and in the next - phzzt - a freak lightning bolt had hit him right in the nine iron. His shoes were still smoking when she reached him. — Cheryl Sterling

'Foo Kyu' is just a very unfortunate cultural coincidence."
"Just think about his poor son, 'Foo Kyu Two.' — John Zakour

Mars is not Earth. It doesn't have a thick atmosphere to bend light and carry particles that reflect light around corners. It's damn near a vacuum here. Once the sun isn't visible, I'm in the dark. Phobos gives me some moonlight, but not enough to work with. Deimos is a little piece of crap that's no good to anyone. — Andy Weir

Yes," Lisa said with the usual blank honestly. She frowned. "Was that a sincere question? Or a scolding rhetorical question akin to Harilotecca's speech patterns? — Ash Gray

You bastard, stop that whistling and fight me like a man! — John Zakour

A woman with long, blonde hair stood for a moment on the other side of the door. She looked similar to his date. Was she entering or leaving the coffee house?
Before Paul could confirm her identity or stand and run after her, she strode away and disappeared in the crowd. — Cheryl Sterling

Yes. I know all about soul-wraiths." Ramsey frowned. "How did you avoid them in the past?"
"Set a perimeter of energized diaman crystal. That will keep them at bay." Hel smiled without humor. "I have the diaman crystal in my saddle pack. I lack a sexual partner to energize them. I had intended to return with a magistra but a magister will work as well. Care to volunteer?"
"Only if I top," Ramsey snapped.
"You'd have to kill me first," returned Hel.
"With pleasure."
Steffania took a breath. Ram cut her off. "No. I don't share you, Vixen."
Fear of the unknown almost froze Adonia's tongue, but she was the obvious answer. She could do this, and the opportunity might never present itself again. "I'll be your partner. — Patricia A. Knight

HARV, can you help at all here?" I asked, spinning downward.
"I am writing your obituary. Well, not so much writing it as updating it," HARV told me.
If I lived, I was going to kill HARV. — John Zakour

Twoa said, obviously still in my brain. "It was my pheromones," she said defensively. I looked up at her; she was sniffing herself. She looked down at me. "Okay, maybe it wasn't ALL the pheromones," she admitted. "Nobody makes a good deodorant for superheroes. — John Zakour

You're somethin' else, Hel. Know that? Dodged the sea toad, got rescued off that damned comet, bisected ol' Bron Elgar like a bagel out there on Cravat ... How the hell you get away from those damn fish down in the Glory Hole? Man, you got more lives than a New York alleycat. — Julian May

Dave had been fun when they'd first dated. Then impending fatherhood had sobered him at the same time Mickle and Company had crooked its finger, turning him from Mr. Right to Mr. Wrong. — Cheryl Sterling

Tammaru's office looked like NASA's control room designed by Donald Trump. — K.L. Tharp

From her own life experience Keldaren knew that loveable hunks were in short supply anywhere in the galaxy, loveable hunks who knew her were an extinct species, and that more marketing companies than friends had her phone number. — L.L. Watkin

My perfectly measured ingredients should have mixed and turned into an epic lava. Instead it looks like an outtake from an old sci-fi movie. Green goo has killed my volcano. My chance to win the science fair at Sendak has been slimed! — Angela Cervantes

What mental hospital have you escaped from?" She wanted to laugh, but he looked so serious. "Prove you're an alien. Rip off your disguise. Show me your antennae. Where's your union card? — Cheryl Sterling

I focused the power from my armor into my leg and kicked the door in. The metal and plastic fibers splintered and the hinges ripped free from the wall.
"By the way, boss," HARV said. "I believe that the door was unlocked. — John Zakour

James had been acting a little weird. After waking up yesterday, he'd been a little bit distant. It might just be the stress of the trip. It was probably hard on James to be in charge of the little group. He was responsible for the welfare of his lover, a nun, and a talking horse. That couldn't be easy. — Anne Tenino

There are seven and a half billion people on this earth - somebody's got to get sucked into a vortex. — Jenine Wallach

Jakes nodded his dismissal. "Workable. Set up a meeting."
Mitchel stood. "Who would you like to send, sir?"
He smiled. "Ivy, I've neglected my duties as commander of The Baldain. I'll transport down to Earth and handle this matter myself. — Cheryl Sterling

A woman stood on the sidewalk, her arms outstretched and her face turned to the sky. Sheer enjoyment splashed across her features, its intensity tugging at his heart. It was a raw emotion he rarely witnessed. — Cheryl Sterling

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, you're probably in the wrong bathroom. — Robert Leland Taylor

Or maybe go sci-fi. You sorta look like that guy who roamed outer space everybody's so crazy about."
"Malcolm Reynolds?" asked Rook. — Richard Castle

Prices of semicolons, plot devices, prologues and inciting incidents continued to fall yesterday, lopping twenty points off the TomJones Index. — Jasper Fforde

Thing is, I am not a big fan of hovers. I firmly believe that if man was meant to fly we'd have feathers, rubber bones, or better insurance coverage. — John Zakour

You ever flown something before?" (Christopher)
"I hold the highest score at A.S.U. for Star Wars: Starfighter." (Kitty)
"I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I'm going to regret this." (Christopher) — Gini Koch