Schumer Quotes & Sayings

I think for anyone to become good at something, they have to fail a lot too. And they have to be completely unafraid to fail or they'll never make it to the next level. — Amy Schumer

If you're a true introvert, other people are basically energy vampires. You don't hate them; you just have to be strategic about when you expose yourself to them - like the sun. — Amy Schumer

The way to lessen the grip of the Tea Party on the electoral process would be to do what a handful have done and have a primary where all voters, members of every party, can vote, and the top two vote-getters then enter a runoff. — Chuck Schumer

I think it's a little insulting, a bit insulting to American workers when Rand Paul says that unemployment insurance is a disservice. — Chuck Schumer

I only met Joan Rivers once. But when she passed away, it felt like a part of me went away, too. — Amy Schumer

This bill [Immigration Reform and Control act of 1986] is a gamble, a riverboat gamble. There is no guarantee that employer sanctions will work or that amnesty will work. We are headed into uncharted waters. — Charles Schumer

I hate false advertising, like 'Skittles: taste the rainbow.' No one's ever been like, 'Rainbow, right you guys?' Or what's Reese's? 'There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.' Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn't love you. — Amy Schumer

Have kids; have a lot of kids. Start early and keep having them. — Chuck Schumer

I call myself a comic.But I started as an actress. I did plays since I was 5. — Amy Schumer

If we are going to stay a great power and I hope and pray we will we need the truth. We need to know what is going right and we need to know what is going wrong. There is no greater time than now. — Chuck Schumer

Most of the people I meet who are on unemployment are people who have had jobs for 25 years, lost them; they've been knocking on doors every week. — Chuck Schumer

I would be like the third-hottest bartender at a Dave & Buster's in Cincinnati. — Amy Schumer

As long as the Palestinians send terrorists onto school buses and to nightclubs to blow up people, Israel has no choice but to build the fence. — Chuck Schumer

He presented to the world the facade of a certain kind of man who wasn't really there. — Amy Schumer

I have never supported amnesty, and I led the fight against Chuck Schumer's gang of eight amnesty legislation in the Senate. — Ted Cruz

They weren't ashamed of their bodily functions and they didn't lie to themselves or others. They had no patience for small talk or false pretenses. They would laugh when they wanted to like there was no tomorrow, and cry their eyes out when they felt like it. Basically, I had finally found my people. HOW I LOST MY VIRGINITY I always fantasized about losing my virginity the way I think most girls envision their weddings: being surrounded by my friends and family, with a clergyman present. — Amy Schumer

Bigotry has always been the poison of America, and we oughta do everything to eradicate it with no excuses or explanations. — Chuck Schumer

One of the most troubling aspects of the Rubio-Schumer Gang of Eight Bill was that it gave President [Barack] Obama blanket authority to admit refugees, including Syrian refugees without mandating any background checks whatsoever. Now we've seen what happened in San Bernardino. When you are letting people in, when the FBI can't vet them, it puts American citizens at risk. — Ted Cruz

She's always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she's like, 'You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.' I was like, 'Oh my god, who cares, right?' I mean it is weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant. — Amy Schumer

The dome of the U.S. Capitol has fallen into severe disrepair ... As the Chairman of the Senate Committee on Rules and Administration, which oversees matters of the Capitol's physical plant, I have serious concerns about the consequences of omitting this funding from the stopgap spending measure. — Chuck Schumer

It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride? — Amy Schumer

Social media is a great tool for all of us introverts and decent people alike as it speeds up the time between thinking someone is great and realizing they're the worst. I — Amy Schumer

You do have to change things as warfare changes. — Chuck Schumer

Anyone who thinks they have a monopoly on truth, and there is only one way to see the world, always gets us into trouble. — Chuck Schumer

Whatever the joke is has to be funny, and not coming from a mean-spirited place. I think some things are totally off limits. If someone's spouse died, or one of their children, I would never joke about that. I don't have any aspirations towards writing any cancer jokes, and there's some stuff that I think is definitely taboo. — Amy Schumer

As women, most interactions from around age eight on teach us to keep things cool so no one is inspired to, God forbid, call us the U or F words: "ugly" or "fat." I'm not the first to point out how women are taught that our value comes from how we look, and that it takes a lifetime (or at least until menopause) for most women to undo this awful lie. As — Amy Schumer

The Tea Party elites gained extraordinary influence by being able to funnel millions of undisclosed dollars into campaigns with ads that distort the truth and attack government. — Chuck Schumer

Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends. — Anthony Jeselnik

I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It's not true. I'm right where I should be. — Amy Schumer

Any party that writes off 25, 30, 35 percent of the American people is not going to be a winner. — Chuck Schumer

Let's all just follow the lead of Glamour, and join forces and lift each other up. — Amy Schumer

He was really into family ... He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife. — Amy Schumer

The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde. — Amy Schumer

It is essential that all Americans take the time to honor and remember those individuals who gave their lives in defense of our liberty. — Chuck Schumer

Soft money will find its way and seep into the political system and corrode it, unless we plug every hole. — Chuck Schumer

Everyone has a hole inside themselves. They don't know they had it until they have kids, and then that hole fills up. And it's so great; it's just God's greatest gift to us. — Chuck Schumer

Inaction is perhaps the greatest mistake of all. — Chuck Schumer

Mitt Romney's only bottom line is the one at the end of his own bank statement. The problem is that he confuses his own narrow, self-interest - and that of people like him - with the national interest. He thinks as long as we do right by the Mitt Romneys of the world, America will be just fine. — Chuck Schumer

I always did plays, I got the comedic roles in college ... or, uh, the ones that would get naked. — Amy Schumer

The girls that I grew up with, and my friends and I, we just never had interests in common. I loved comedy. I loved Saturday Night Live, Gilda Radner, Lucille Ball, and Goldie Hawn movies. I just wanted to laugh. I liked women in comedy, and I liked male comics as I got a little older. My interests just never matched up with other girls'. — Amy Schumer

Women are always expected to be the gracious hostess, quick with an anecdote and a sprinkling of laughter at others' stories. We are always the ones who have to smooth over all the awkward moments in life with soul-crushing pleasantries. We are basically unpaid geishas. But when we do not fulfill this expectation ( because we are introverted ) people asume we must be either depressed or a cunt". — Amy Schumer

Everyone is allowed to have their own boundaries. You just are. No matter how you dress, no matter what you say or anything, and I feel strongly about that. — Amy Schumer

She made my favorite breakfast and recruited me to be the cheerleader of her mistake. — Amy Schumer

I think on this issue more than any other we're going to see sort of a bipartisan longing to get something done, and hopefully you're not going to find the fisticuffs that you would find on lots of other issues. I think you'll be able to glean a sense of progress without us revealing the specifics. — Charles Schumer

I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value. — Amy Schumer

In today's competitive economy, to stand still is to die. — Chuck Schumer

(Asked by John King about the political climate that existed in Washington at the time, and criticism of the Department of Justice under his management) Listen I don't expect an apology from men like Chuck Schumer, and I would put him and other individuals who were attacking me at the top of the list contributing to the low, low public perception of Congress, the integrity of Congress quite frankly. — Alberto Gonzales

My mom made me think I was gorgeous. When I was younger she was like, 'Look at you! You're an angel. You sparkle!' And I was like, 'I do!' You believe your parents. — Amy Schumer

I'm a real woman who digests her meals and breaks out and has sweet little pockets of cellulite on her upper thighs that she's not apologizing for. Because guess what? We all have that shit. We're all human beings. — Amy Schumer

The Tea Party is a rear guard, not a vanguard. — Chuck Schumer

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?' — Amy Schumer

I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you. — Amy Schumer

You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque. — Amy Schumer

I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted. — Amy Schumer

I made education the highest priority of my campaign - actually education and jobs - and the reason is a simple one: I think the future of America depends on it. — Chuck Schumer

I'm glad I struggled. I think I'd be an asshole if my money were anything other than the "new" kind. — Amy Schumer

I am a woman with thoughts and questions and shit to say. I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will. I will speak and share and fuck and love, and I will never apologize to the frightened millions who resent that they never had it in them to do it. I stand here and I am amazing, for you. Not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. (2014 Gloria Awards and Gala) — Amy Schumer

We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear. — Amy Schumer

I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test. — Amy Schumer

The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess. — Amy Schumer

I am not special just because I'm famous right now. — Amy Schumer

My mom's always saying really smart things ... like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one. — Amy Schumer

To do health care was a noble, good thing, and it will help America dramatically. I don't begrudge Barack Obama choosing it, even though if I were president, I might not have. — Chuck Schumer

I am crushing so hard on Amy Schumer. Women like her who have chosen to stand up for themselves and face the bullies are being so embraced. — Anne Hathaway

Focus on your own goals and how to achieve them. No one took your spot, there's room for all of us. — Amy Schumer

I think we could be at a tipping point — Charles Schumer

What the public hates the most is when they think the politicians aren't listening to them. They understand that we can't solve all their problems with a snap of our fingers, but they sure want us to try because we are public servants. — Chuck Schumer

Democratic Rep. Charles Schumer of New York made a plea to Livingston, the incoming speaker. These new hearings, these new subpoenas wave a red flag that common sense and common wisdom are not welcome here, .. Mr. Livingston, this may be the first and most important task you will ever face as speaker. Lead us out of this abyss. — Charles Schumer

We all accept too easily that life has to be hard and forget to make sure we have the most fun we can. — Amy Schumer

I only wear heels when it's 100-percent required, and even sometimes not then. I have to talk myself into a bra. I've done an hour of standup where I've been like, "I don't have to wear a bra tonight." If you're going to be on camera, you have to get it together, but other than that, I am pretty lazy as a woman. — Amy Schumer

On foreign policy, President Obama has kept our nation safe from terrorism and restored our standing in the world. When it comes to one of our closest allies - Israel - President Obama has been resolute. — Chuck Schumer

I'm totally opposed to vouchers. I will fight them tooth and nail. — Chuck Schumer

Being an introvert doesn't mean you're shy. It means you enjoy being alone. Not just enjoy it - you need it. If you're a true introvert, other people are basically energy vampires. You don't hate them; you just have to be strategic about when you expose yourself to them - like the sun. They give you life, sure, but they can also burn you and — Amy Schumer

Economic conservatives like immigration reform, and in fact, many of them supported the bill that John McCain and I put together in the Senate. — Chuck Schumer

Seeing the people I love happy. 4. — Amy Schumer

I am not saying I will vote against John Ashcroft because he is pro-life, .. But let me say if someone was nominated for attorney general who was vehemently pro choice
who in his or her career spent decades trying to find ways to expand the law abortion at nine months would be perfectly legal
wouldn't you be more upset and raise more of a voice than against a nominee who was simply pro-choice?. — Charles Schumer

All we ask for is registration, just like we do for cars. — Charles Schumer

If we say the Geneva Convention is obsolete, then what do others who have our soldiers say? — Chuck Schumer

The saddest realization I've had in my life is that my parents are people. Sad, human people. I aged a decade in that moment. — Amy Schumer

He has attempted to muddy the waters, but I think anyone that watched the battle that we had - you know, there was a time for choosing, as [Ronald] Reagan put it, where there was a battle over amnesty. And some chose, like Sen.[Marco] Rubio, to stand with Barack Obama and Chuck Schumer and support a massive amnesty plan. — Ted Cruz

The past is a presence between us. In all my mother does and says, the past continually discloses itself in the smallest ways. She sees it directly; I see its shadow. Still, it pulses in my fingertips, feeds on my consciousness. It is a backdrop for each act, each drama of our lives. I have absorbed a sense of what she has suffered, what she has lost, even what her mother endured and handed down. It is my emotional gene map. — Fern Schumer Chapman

I basically believe that until China stop stealing our intellectual property, and until they stop keeping our companies out that do good things, the amount we will gain from export jobs is minimized, and the amount we lose in middle class incomes is maximized. — Charles Schumer

This week's winner for best comedy line about the war is New York Democratic Sen. Charles Schumer. Referring to - well, it doesn't really matter what he was referring to ... — Ann Coulter

You know, we have three branches of government. We have a House. We have a Senate. We have a President. — Chuck Schumer

Frankly, sharing a media market with Chuck Schumer is like sharing a banana with a monkey. Take a little bite of it, and he will throw his own feces at you. — Jon Corzine

Working with the media remains an effective and essential way to raise issues, educate the public, and prod policy-makers and corporate leaders to change for the better. — Chuck Schumer

I've got a terrible person in me just as much as anybody else, and I think - I like to think I also have a really good person in me. — Amy Schumer

... and left decimated. Not for myself, but for all the single women out there trying to date. I wanted to run to the top of the Empire State Building and make an announcement to all of them to let them know they are worth so much more than this. That they don't need to wrangle some warm body to sit next to them just so they aren't alone on holidays. That they should never let a magazine or dating site or matchmaker monster tell them they're in a lower bracket of desirability because of their age or weight or face or sense of humor. — Amy Schumer

I'm still proud of a lot of my jokes when I started. — Amy Schumer

My hustle has often involved food, because, much like household pets or toddlers, I am food-motivated, which is a handy thing to know about me. — Amy Schumer

My background is in theater. I was a theater major in college. — Amy Schumer

I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.' — Amy Schumer

In a brave new world, a post-September 11 world, anyone is going to make certain mistakes. The mistakes that have been made on homeland security, on protecting our Nation from another terrorist attack, are mistakes of omission. We are simply not doing enough. — Chuck Schumer

We need to make sure middle-class people are able to pay the bills. We need to make sure that poor people don't starve. Those are values, too. — Chuck Schumer

America is a place where we all come together. It is a place of consensus. — Chuck Schumer

To those like Mitt Romney who want to take us backwards, let's send a strong message in November: as we say in Brooklyn, 'Fuhgeddaboutit.' — Chuck Schumer

It's relaxing sometimes, just being human. — Amy Schumer

The fundamental weakness in the Tea Party machine is the stark difference between what the leaders of the Tea Party elite - plutocrats like the Koch Brothers -want and what the average grassroots Tea Party follower wants. — Chuck Schumer

The Tea Party people are ideologues. They are right, and no one can change their minds. There is no reason for compromise. — Chuck Schumer

He rose grumpily, fell to the floor, and crawled. I looked at his exposed butt crack, a dark unkempt abyss that I was falling into. I was short of breath. I felt paralyzed. His asshole was a canyon. This was my 127 hours. I needed to chip away at the rock and get out. — Amy Schumer