Schmuck Quotes & Sayings

I mean, Tarantino is such a SHMUCK 90 percent of the time. But ten percent of the time, I've seen genius shining off the guy. — David Foster Wallace

You are a schmuck," I informed the hero. "You're not using the word correctly," he said. "Yes I am," I said. — Jonathan Safran Foer

I was the oldest of seven kids, so I had no older brother who would say, 'Schmuck, don't do that.' — Pete Hamill

I grew up in the world of bad television, on my dad's sets and then as a young schmuck on dating shows and so on. — George Clooney

The Eskimos have four hundred words for snow, and the Jewshave four hundred for schmuck. — Jonathan Safran Foer

About the only good thing about being sex-starved and hornier than the blue wildebeest in mating season she'd once had to write an essay on, was the vast improvement on her pen-pal repertoire. Phone sex? Pah! Any schmuck could talk dirty and get off on it. The art of airmail sex, however, presented a much greater challenge and one she'd excelled at, if Mark's responses were anything to go by. It was a wonder the planes didn't catch fire. — Allie A. Burrow

I should say here that being chronically sleep-deprived is so demonstrably similar to being drunk that hospitals often feel like giant, ceaseless office Christmas parties. Except that at a Christmas party the schmuck standing next to you isn't about to fillet your pancreas with something called a hot knife. — Josh Bazell

Dad sometimes patted me on the knee and called me his Little Schmuck. — Michael Reagan

Any schmuck can be unhappy when things aren't going well, but it takes a truly unique variety of schmuck; a real innovator in the schmuck field to be unhappy when things are going as great as they are for me. — Tropper Jonathan

It's worth noting that you can devote your life to community service and be a total schmuck. You can spend your life on Wall Street and be a hero — David Brooks

My feeling is that the hero has now been defined by phrases like the odious one that we were all raised with - crimes does not pay. Of course it pays, you schmuck. That's not why we don't do it. We don't do it because it is wrong. — Frank Miller

Know your load. That's rule numero uno in this business, which is why I make them count the penguins out in front of me one at a time. I'm not going to be the schmuck who shows up in Orlando two
birds short of a dinner party ... I know I'm pulling out of Houston with exactly forty-two Gentoo penguins, seventeen Jamaican land iguanas, four tuataras from New Zealand, and a pair of rare, civet-like mammals called linsangs. No more, no less. — Jacob M. Appel

When in doubt, parenthesize. At the very least it will let some poor schmuck bounce on the % key in vi. — Larry Wall

Richard leans on his stick. He takes a deep breath and begins to speak. "What a fucked up night? We get this tip that some clown is moving in, I fly off the handle, and off some poor schmuck's wife and I shoot the bastard. To make matters worse, I chop his fucking arm off." Vincent takes a shot and retorts. "The whole scene was fucking Shakespearean. Comedy juxtaposed against a tragic backdrop. — Z.S. Kaplan

'Thirteen' was really hard on my family. I wrote this movie about them and their flaws and imperfections and what it was like growing up. It was from one kid's perspective and not a well rounded one. You get older, and it's like, 'How dare I portray my father as being a totally vacant, careless schmuck?' — Nikki Reed

Nothing pleases me more than when somebody who was awe-inspired to be working with me realizes I'm just another schmuck that they're bored of hanging out with on a set. I love that moment. I like it when that persistent illusion is smashed. — Robert Downey Jr.

I know that it's probably not a good idea for a comedian, especially a satirist, to support a public policy group or a politician. This is something I learned only too well years ago when I did a fundraiser for Pol Pot. A few years later I saw 'The Killing Fields,' and I've got to tell you, I just felt like a schmuck. — Al Franken

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. — Jack Benny

I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan. — Lewis Black

I made the decision when I came to Seagram that it had to be OK that my public persona would be bad. It's the downside of a family business: anything good is because I'm somebody's son; otherwise, I'm a schmuck. — Edgar Bronfman Jr.

Yeah, I made it. It sneaks up on you. You're some schmuck and you wake up one day and you go, Good God, I'm the cheese. — William H. Macy

I'm not a schmuck. Even if the world goes to hell in a handbasket, I won't lose a penny. — Donald Trump

In my opinion, one of the biggest drawbacks about Sergio Leone films are the scores composed by Ennio Morricone. If [Leone] were as talented as I am, he would have made mixtapes for his movies instead of letting some schmuck write the soundtracks for him. But then if he were as talented as I am, he'd be Zach Braff. And have his own Grammy. — Zach Braff

Basically, if you're not a utopianist, you're a schmuck. — Jonathan Feldman

He'd hate to start killing people at this stage in the game. Especially some poor schmuck who happened to marry the wrong woman. — Shelly Laurenston

You are reading the words of a complete schmuck, so take everything I say with a grain of salt. Wouldn't it be nice if all authors admitted what I just said? The world would surely be a lot less confusing if they did... — Mark B. Warring

Writers don't make any money at all. We make about a dollar. It is terrible. But then again we don't work either. We sit around in our underwear until noon then go downstairs and make coffee, fry some eggs, read the paper, read part of a book, smell the book, wonder if perhaps we ourselves should work on our book, smell the book again, throw the book across the room because we are quite jealous that any other person wrote a book, feel terribly guilty about throwing the schmuck's book across the room because we secretly wonder if God in heaven noticed our evil jealousy, or worse, our laziness. We then lie across the couch facedown and mumble to God to forgive us because we are secretly afraid He is going to dry up all our words because we envied another man's stupid words. And for this, as I said, we are paid a dollar. We are worth so much more. — Donald Miller

And I'm left with this girl, this Siren of Mixed Signals, this Norah. She's a fuck-good kisser, but clearly has some massive consistency issues. I ask her how the fuck she knows Tris, because that is leaving me completely confused, and at first she's looking at me like I'm this guy she didn't just start kissing out of nowhere, but then she's got her hand on my arm in a way that makes me really notice I have an arm, and then she's making to run away, and at the same time looking at me like I'm some cancer child. Then I take hold of her arm and she resists without really resisting. Finally she pulls away, only to touch my face in this way that reminds me exactly of her kiss.Then she calls me you poor schmuck. — David Levithan

Community service has become a patch for morality. You can devote your life to community service and be a total schmuck. — Timothy Keller

He muttered something foul and then climbed the stairs, rapping twice on Timmie's door.
"Right, then, mate, terribly sorry for my unspeakable rudeness, and I do beg your pardon,"
he said with admirable humbleness when Timmie cracked it open. Only I could pick up the
slight edge to his voice as he went on. "I can only say that it was caused by my natural
affront to the notion of her as my sister. Since I'll be shagging her tonight, you can
imagine how I'd be distressed at the thought of rogering my sibling."
"You schmuck!" I burst as Timmie's jaw dropped. "The only thing you'll be shagging
tonight is yourself!"
"You wanted sincerity," he countered. "Well, luv, I was sincere. — Jeaniene Frost

Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it. — George Carlin

Yes, of course I want to get married, but does that mean I'm not allowed to go out and have a good time? Am I supposed to just marry any schmuck that comes along? And by the way, here's a newsflash, Hammertoes. Nobody wants to marry me, anyway. — Chelsea Handler

You greedy schmuck!" Denise burst out.
Ian cast a leisurely glance in her direction. "And now my feelings are hurt. That'll cost you the boat, too. — Jeaniene Frost

I yawned awake ready to blow stuff up like a 90s action-star. I'd become what I despised, a misguided schmuck following the status-quo for the sole purpose of fitting in. Whatever... gunrunners, terrorists, bankers, dictators, goons; we all have it coming. — Bruce Crown

If you're going to be a narcissistic schmuck, kid, don't bother studying Faulkner. Go straight to Brett Easton Ellis. He's the role model you need. — Arinn Dembo

Who should turn up but that long-lost schmuck of a Billy, and what did Charis do but rent him the other half of her duplex? It's enough to make you tear your hair out by its tiny grey roots, — Margaret Atwood

I'm not expecting the American literary community to welcome me with open arms. To them I'm just some schmuck kid who wrote some book. — Macaulay Culkin