Sarcastic Funny Quotes & Sayings

I could use all the confidence I could get. If possible, I would steal some from the egotistical Chase. He had more than enough to spare. — J.L. Weil

Babe, I hate to break it to you, but you're one messed up mess."
"I know!" I exclaimed before breaking off into a fit of laughter. "I ought to be admitted or put on some serious medication or something. — K.R. Grace

Celaena?" Sam asked into the dark. "Should I worry about going to sleep?"
She blinked, then laughed under her breath. At least Sam took her threats somewhat seriously. — Sarah J. Maas

You can make fun of yourself and people will laugh at you. If you're smart, you'll end up as a comedian. If you're not, you'll end up as a clown. — Ljupka Cvetanova

It is true, I worry about the hype. The only person more over-hyped than me is you. — Barack Obama

I never play cricket. It requires one to assume such indecent postures. — Oscar Wilde

Keep trying?
I'd rather keep walking. I mean, whisky is whisky — Ljupka Cvetanova

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. — Groucho Marx

I've got everything I need right here." That sentimental thought met a room full of cheesy and sarcastic "aw's" and an empty water bottle thrown at my head. No, stop guys, really. You're embarrassing me. — Rachel Higginson

There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world. — Jean Baudrillard

Well, you are a wolf, I don't think it's a good idea to start the habit of you sleeping in the bed, you know, with all the shedding and what-not. — Quinn Loftis

If I didn't kick his ass every day? he wouldn't be worth anything. — Hillary Clinton

It's funny, ma'am, how sometimes you're so sarcastic but it doesn't sting."
"Because of my dimples. Dimples are a get-out-of-jail-free card — Dean Koontz

It's not hard to fail ... it's hard to accept you failed ... but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailing — Josh Stern

Since I started making films, I've been a nut for dialogue. When I first saw Star Wars when I was 12 years old, I came home and recited all of the lines from it. Before I talked about Death Stars exploding and Tie Fighters I was talking about how funny Princess Leia was and how sarcastic Han Solo was. So to me that's always the most important thing, and I love hearing great actors say great lines. — Bryan Singer

I've been fortunate - I haven't had too many auditions. I slept with the right people. — Pamela Anderson

The little dictator who went to Moscow in his green fatigues to receive a bear hug did not forsake the doctrine of Lenin when he returned to the West and appeared in a two-piece suit. (On Daniel Ortega Saavedra) — Ronald Reagan

Girlfriend? That's cute." Some people yelled when they got angry. Jason got sarcastic. Always. " Are you taking her to the dance next month? You should probably call ahead; I'm not sure if they let pets in-even ones that are house-trained. — Kathleen Peacock

Hello Miss," I said in a feverish manner. "I'm Jack, and of course I will muck out your horse for you." I grinned a huge dumb smile right at her. "I'm always happy to help."

She was taken aback, gazing at me confused. She wasn't sure if I was being sarcastic, or if I was just some village simpleton who always said too much. — LeeAnn Whitaker

I love the sound of it," Trina whispers, as if speaking too loudly might interrupt the drumming patter of the rain outside. "It makes me want to sleep. Snuggle my head right up in your armpit and snore for three days."
"My armpit?" Mark repeats. "Good thing we all showered up in the storm this morning. My pits smell like roses. Go ahead and get comfy. — James Dashner

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already? — Cynthia Heimel

Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit. — Will Smith

Caroline's lips thinned, her face flushed. "My husband, sir, has more secrets in his tiny, insignificant mind than the entire British War Department has had on file since its inception." She huffed with pure, disgusted outrage, lowering her gaze to the floor to murmur, "I'll kill him. — Adele Ashworth

Manuel will show you to your rooms - if you're lucky. — John Cleese

Had double chins all the way down to his stomach. — Mark Twain

When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries to play as well. — John Cleese

Now, because he knows that his economic theories don't work, he's been spending these last few days calling me every name in the book. Lately he's called me a socialist for wanting to roll-back the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans so we can finally give tax relief to the middle class. I don't know what's next. By the end of the week he'll be accusing me of being a secret communist because I shared my toys in kindergarten. I shared my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. — Barack Obama

Madame will forgive me for not perceiving her busyness. It is a sign of the highest breeding to be able to be busy whilst appearing idle to the uninformed observer. — Louis De Bernieres

...and yes that was meant to be interpreted in a sarcastic bubblegum tone complete with clapping and jazz hands. — K.R. Grace

Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior. — Stephenie Meyer

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving. — David Letterman

I won't marry you," she repeated.
"Why not? You were eager enough to fuck me."
Anna winced. "I do wish you would stop using that word."
Edward swung around and assumed a hideously sarcastic expression. "Would you prefer swive? Tup? Dance the buttock jig? — Elizabeth Hoyt

Your perception is riveting, Amal," he says in a bored and sarcastic tone, dropping the note down on my desk. "It's comforting to know that there are people in my class who have the maturity and intelligence to make derogatory comments about other people's external appearances."
Now what am I supposed to say to that?
"What do you have to say for yourself?"
Friggin' mind reader. — Randa Abdel-Fattah

He who desires nothing, hopes for nothing, and is afraid of nothing, cannot be an artist. — Anton Chekhov

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. — David Letterman

Don't take life too seriously. — RuPaul

Just because the kid's cute, doesn't mean you're not the father. — Will Smith

No, but as a vampire, I'm able to detect subtle shifts in emotional energy. — Rachel Hawkins

Folks always look good in their coffins. — Elvis Presley

Whenever cannibals are on the brink of starvation, Heaven, in its infinite mercy, sends them a fat missionary. — Oscar Wilde

Ove looks at the group assembled around him, as if he's been kidnapped and taken to a parallel universe. For a moment he thinks about swerving off the road, until he realises that the worst case scenario would be that they all accompanied him into the afterlife. — Fredrik Backman

I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while," he grunted, "It relaxes me."
"It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably. — Cassandra Clare

We are the generation of Social Media, Our biggest Revolution is a Tweet of 141 Characters. — Sandra Chami Kassis

Are you really speechless or has the vodka finally impaired your ability to function like a normal human? — Heidi McLaughlin

Really, if the lower orders don't set a good example, what on earth is the use of them? — Oscar Wilde

She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people. — Robertson Davies

So what's it to be, Bear?"
Dev lifted his leg and gave a sarcastic slap to his thigh.
"By golly, I'll take door number two, Bob. You know the one that calls for straight suicide with a side of mutilation and pain? Sign my hairy ass up for that and don't be late. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

There is a gay agenda?" he asked. "Naturally. Although marriage is the second item. Draw two." "So what's the first?" Jackson asked, grinning. He seemed to be the only person at the table besides Levi who realized Jaime was kidding. Everybody else was staring at Jaime with open-mouthed shock. "Recruitment. Especially of children. That's why I'm here, in fact. We're having a membership drive this month, and whoever recruits the most minors wins two free tickets to see Kathy Griffin live. — Marie Sexton

Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther. — Rowan Atkinson

Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back and your job back. — Richard Belzer

This Jacoby character, regardless of how dreamy he may appear, is aiding and abetting my captivity. Not exactly the kind of guy you want to bring home to meet mom. — Erica Cope

I thought you said you wre bringing a dead body in for examination. Didn't you think to check he actually was dead first?'
Gwen knew he was being sarcastic, but the tone still stung.
'Be fair, Jack,' said Owen from the doorway.'Y'know the guy had done a lot to make himself look dead: lain in a bog for forty years, decayed himself, let the worms in, shrivelled up a bit, stopped breathing, no circulation, all major organs dried up and inactive. Could've fooled anyone. — Trevor Baxendale

A satisfied customer. We should have him stuffed. — John Cleese

Oh, you're an expert in crazy people now?"
"A month with you and I feel I have a master's degree in the subject. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

Writers don't get mad they get even in their novels. — Candace C. Bowen

Little-known fact about cheerleaders: They keep schedules that would make grown marines cry. — Jennifer Lynn Barnes

The true God, the mighty God, is the God of ideas. — Alfred De Vigny

Tell the cook of this restaurant with my compliments that these are the very worst sandwiches in the whole world, and that, when I ask for a watercress sandwich, I do not mean a loaf with a field in the middle of it. — Oscar Wilde

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't driving around on a bus and having a campfire kind of adding to the environment problem? — Will Smith

How tall is it?" [The Harps]
"according to the sagas, it links through time and space and keeps our world and your world tethered together"
"Pretty big, then — Kathryn James

You want to stab me again, don't you?"
He didn't look at all ashamed. "Think of it as testing the limits of your new abilities."
I groaned. "I've created a monster."
"I don't think someone who recently crawled from the grave should be throwing around labels like 'monster,'" he said, making sarcastic little air-quotes fingers.
"It wasn't a grave," I sniffed. "It was a comfy four-poster. — Molly Harper

If one wishes to elicit a reaction from the elusive species known as 'reservus quietgirlius,' one must poke. — Jules Barnard

Everyone knows what a hypocrite is. That's the guy who gripes about the sex, violence and nudity on his VCR. — Zig Ziglar

I don't even pretend to believe I know everything; I just believe in arguments God told me I had a pretty good chance of winning, while I was traveling through hell. — Shannon L. Alder

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. — George Carlin

His son Peter Bucky happily spent time driving Einstein around, and he later wrote down some of his recollections in extensive notebooks. They provide a delightful picture of the mildly eccentric but deeply un-affected Einstein in his later years. Peter tells, for example, of driving in his convertible with Einstein when it suddenly started to rain. Einstein pulled off his hat and put it under his coat. When Peter looked quizzical, Einstein explained: "You see, my hair has withstood water many times before, but I don't know how many times my hat can. — Walter Isaacson

To live as one likes is plebian the noble man aspires to order and law. — Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

I grew up as a very sarcastic person. I was always the class clown, and to date girls, I had to be really funny. I was really skinny growing up. I was so thin, I had to run around in the shower to get wet. That kind of thin. So I always had to rely on humor and sarcasm. — Kurt Fuller

(The Mona Lisa), that really is the ugliest portrait I've seen, the only thing that supposedly makes it famous is the mystery behind it, Katherine admitted as she remembered her trips to the Louvre and how she shook her head at the poor tourists crowding around to see a jaundiced, eyebrow-less lady that reminded her of tight-lipped Washington on the dollar bill. Surely, they could have chosen a better portrait of the First President for their currency? — E.A. Bucchianeri

Your services might be as useful as a barbershop on the steps of a guillotine. — Rowan Atkinson

Musical people always want one to be perfectly dumb at the very moment when one is longing to be perfectly deaf. — Oscar Wilde

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass. — George Carlin

What do you call 500 lawyers lying on the bottom of the Ocean? A good start.. — Danny DeVito

I sort of fell."
"Percy! Six hundred and thirty feet? — Rick Riordan

I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and discovering there's a gas bill tied to it. — Rowan Atkinson

Thought she said to leave the door open."
"It is. It's cracked. That's Open. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

Miss Green can call a turd a rose if she wants, but that don't mean people's going to be lining up to smell it. — K. Martin Beckner

As we celebrate Recovery Month, it is time for Congress to knock down the barriers to treatment and recovery for 26 million Americans suffering the ravages of alcohol and drug addiction. — Jim Ramstad

I don't recognize you - I've changed a lot. — Oscar Wilde

You're starting to sound like one of those songs that DJ's play when they wanna clear out the dancefloor. — Alex Bergauer

I choked on the air I'd just sucked in and swung around in disbelief. "What did you just say?"
"Me and the whole PD heard about your wet bra, so I'm assuming your panties are wet too. — Rachel Brookes

Get the point?" I asked, offering the boys a triumphant smile.
Gabriel, Zeb, and Dick stared at me, aghast.
"What? Sarcastic postkill comeback. Isn't that what you're supposed to do in situations like this?
Too harsh? — Molly Harper

The English have a miraculous power of turning wine into water. — Oscar Wilde

She bared her teeth at me. "Screw you, shifter!"
"Ah, is our honeymoon period over so quickly? You wanted to jump my bones just a second ago. — Cori Moore

Trying to make her angry is like trying to find a corner on a bowling ball. — Craig McLay

Carpe Diem, just remember that we're partying on the Titanic. — Will McIntosh

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home. — Groucho Marx

The Black Pit of Despair is temporarily closed for renovations. We apologize for any inconvenience. — David C. Holley

I'm sarcastic and facetious. It's hard to find those people on first encounter. I can be nice, but I don't want nice friends. I want funny, gregarious, sarcastic, and smart friends. — Rachel Bertsche

However, it is always nice to be expected, and not to arrive. — Oscar Wilde

Years ago we would have been burned for this. Now what I am suggesting is that we've advanced. — John Cleese

Size does matter. There's a lot of ways to make people feel good, but personally I think it does enhance things. — Pamela Anderson

Gankis lifted an arm to point at the distant shale cliffs. "And in the face of it there were thousands of little holes, little what-you-call-'ems ... "
"Alcoves," Kennit supplied in an almost dreamy voice. "I call them alcoves, Gankis. As would you, if you could speak your own mother tongue. — Robin Hobb

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend. — George Carlin

I started down but Sam caught my arm and knelt down himself to look.
"For crying out loud," he said. "It's a racoon."
"Poor thing," I said.
"It could be a rabid baby-killer," Cole told me primly.
"Shut up," Sam said pleasantly. — Maggie Stiefvater

Deliberate with caution, but act with decision and yield with graciousness, or oppose with firmness. — Charles Caleb Colton

Besides, there's no one way to be a girl, Tay. You don't need to fit yourself into what society tells us a girl should be. Girls can be whoever they want. Whether that's an ass-kicking, sarcastic, crime-solving FBI Agent or a funny, gorgeous, witty beauty queen--or both at the same time." She swings an arm around me and pulls me in.

"Are you happy the way you are? Are you comfortable? Do you feel like yourself?"

The corner of my mouth lifts into a half smile. "Yes. Yes. And yes."

"Then that's all that matters. Fuck everything else. — Jen Wilde

I'm still furious with you," she murmured, kissing a line down his chest.
"Oh, God, please don't be furious," he choked out quickly. "Every female I know is furious with me. Rosalyn throws tantrums, and Charlotte hasn't spoken to me or written since you left." He moved his hands to unbutton her gown. "The morning I thought you'd sailed out of my life I started drinking and didn't stop until I'd finished two bottles. For three days I had a blistering headache, and Nedda couldn't for the life of her stop banging things." He groaned. "And I can't even begin to tell you about your sisters. — Adele Ashworth

very funny my sarcastic friend — Cassandra Clare

You think he left a big flashing arrow pointing to a filing cabinet labeled 'Evidence Here!'? He's a Stray, Ethan, not Wile E. Coyote! — Rachel Vincent