Sarcasm Funny Quotes & Sayings

Men weigh love with hands. — Ljupka Cvetanova

You his brother?'
'Yes, damn it!' I burst out. "And all I want is to get my hands on whoever did this to him!'
'Funny,' said a dick dryly, 'but so do we.'
I didn't like him much after that. Sarcasm is out of place when a man has just been brought face to face with personal tragedy.
("Walls That Hear You") — Cornell Woolrich

I thought the line 'I am the daughter of the former governor of Alaska' was very funny. I think the word is 'sarcasm.' In my family we think laughing is good. My parents raised me to have a sense of humor and to live a normal life. — Andrea Fay Friedman

I'm sorry I missed the meeting and hurt your little feely-weels okay? — Nenia Campbell

It's not complicated and it doesn't compare to my problem, now give me a damn cookie I think I earned it," Jill snapped.
Chris grinned like it was Christmas morning. "Yes, you did." He brought her a cookie. "Very good, my young one. You've made Chris very happy with this little tidbit of information. — R.L. Mathewson

Don't believe everything you read on the Internet. — Abraham Lincoln

He shook off the thoughts - that wasn't anything he needed to worry about tonight. Any second
now, he was going to hear the chime of a new text message, the chime that signaled the demise of rich,
slick Maybe-next-time-we-can-meet-for-more-than-two-minutes-which-also-happens-to-be-how-long-
I-last-during-sex Tyler Roland, Attorney-at-Law.
Vaughn picked up his phone to check that it had a signal.
Yep, any second now. — Julie James

Knives and candlelight," he said, "how romantic. — Nenia Campbell

This is where you all live?" Asked John as they ascended the stairs. "It's small."
"This is just our Thanksgiving house," Scott muttered. "We have a house for every day of the year. — Adam Rex

I suppose the latest thing is to sit back and let Mr. Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife. — F Scott Fitzgerald

It's not hard to fail ... it's hard to accept you failed ... but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailing — Josh Stern

Ah, well, when you explain it like that, it seems obvious," said Mudge. "Of course, it always seems obvious once it's been explained. — Theodora Goss

Mystics are all a bit funny in the head anyway," the priest added cynically, "which is why the church locks them all up in mental hospitals and euphemistically calls these institutions monasteries. — Robert Anton Wilson

In my mind, she was Lebkuchen Spice - ironic, Germanic, sexy, and off beat. And, mein Gott, the girl could bake a damn fine cookie ... to the point that I wanted to answer her What do you want for Christmas? with a simple More cookies, please!
But no. She warned me not to be a smart-ass, and while that answer was totally sincere, I was afraid she would think I was joking or,
worse, kissing up.
It was a hard question, especially if I had to batten down the sarcasm. I mean, there was the beauty pageant answer of world peace, although I'd probably have to render it in the beauty pageant spelling of world peas. I could play the boo-hoo orphan card and wish for my whole family to be together, but that was the last thing I wanted, especially at this late date. — David Levithan

The doctor seemed especially troubled by the fact of the robbery having been unexpected, and attempted in the night-time; as if it were the established custom of gentlemen in the housebreaking way to transact business at noon, and to make an appointment, by the twopenny post, a day or two previous. — Charles Dickens

Chalk again?" Cal seemed almost disappointed. "Too bad there's no chalk monster."
Penn snorted with amusement. Chalk monster. That was like saying it was a vampire. Everyone knew vampires didn't exist. Zombies who drank blood to stay alive. Ridiculous. — R. Cooper

Can the sarcasm,' he said. 'Please, I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned. — Laurell K. Hamilton

What do you do when you're in a room of vampires and the most dangerous one tells you that you
know too much? You bolt. What did I do? I hyperventilated. — Tijan

Sarcasm isn't at all funny when it's the truth — Colleen Hoover

His long wait is almost done. I am sending Balon Swann to Sunspear, to deliver him the head of Gregor Clegane." Ser Balon would have another task as well, but that part was best left unsaid.
"Ah." Ser Harys Swyft fumbled at his funny little beard with thumb and forefinger. "He is dead then? Ser Gregor?"
"I would think so, my lord," Aurane Waters said dryly. "I am told that removing the head from the body is often mortal. — George R R Martin

If you are reading this, I'm dead. Don't celebrate too much. Jesus is watching. — Katie Graykowski

Well, I think Leo's either going to learn a much needed lesson in social activity-- or go nuts and kill us all." -Crash — Hazel Blackthorn

So you thought you could shit and eat at the same time. How disgustingly convenient. — Nenia Campbell

Who cares even if I didn't?!" Conor shouted back. "They're just stupid berries. Woo-hoo, so scary. Oh, please, please, save me from the berries!"
The monster looked at him quizzically. How strange, it said. The words you say tell me you are scared of the berries, but your actions seems to suggest otherwise. — Patrick Ness

Murderous thieves make their home here." She failed to keep the tremor from her voice.
"Absolutely," Jonas replied.
"Dangerous animals too."
"Without a doubt."
She slanted a look toward him. "Perfect place for you."
He repressed a snort. "Oh, such compliments, your highness. You're going to make me blush. — Morgan Rhodes

Look at what you've done,' Sanguine said, shaking his head with mock severity. 'You have foiled out insidious little plot. You have emerged triumphant and victorious. Curse you, do-gooders. Curse you. — Derek Landy

Reality Sucks, I want my dreams back. — Sandra Chami Kassis

Well, bloody noses." I hug his coat tighter. "Those are definitely hot. — Stephanie Perkins

As he pulls away from her, his gaze meets mine, and we stare at each other for one long moment before I slowly raise my left hand and give him the middle finger. — Deanna Chase

What are you doing here?"
All right, he was standing in front of an easel, holding a paint palette and brush. "Taxidermy?" he responded with just a touch of his own sarcasm. — Robyn Carr

Gankis lifted an arm to point at the distant shale cliffs. "And in the face of it there were thousands of little holes, little what-you-call-'ems ... "
"Alcoves," Kennit supplied in an almost dreamy voice. "I call them alcoves, Gankis. As would you, if you could speak your own mother tongue. — Robin Hobb

There was a silence. Elliot was surprised, because he would have thought the sound of every atom in his body exploding with indignation might make some noise. — Sarah Rees Brennan

Nothing beats camping out in a dreary Jotunheim forest while your friend stitches runes on a giant bowling bag! — Rick Riordan

Sketchy black van? Weird stalking of my house? What are you going to do next, offer me some candy? — Hannah Harrington

I grew up as a very sarcastic person. I was always the class clown, and to date girls, I had to be really funny. I was really skinny growing up. I was so thin, I had to run around in the shower to get wet. That kind of thin. So I always had to rely on humor and sarcasm. — Kurt Fuller

Just so you know, I get incredibly bored quite easily and you will be forced to be my source of entertainment. You'll kind of be like my own personal jester."
I flipped him off.
"Well that wasn't funny at all. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committing crimes and then getting on with their lives. What is really needed for public officials who shame themselves is ritual suicide. — George Carlin

She said yes. If only she didn't talk so much! — Ljupka Cvetanova

Our repartee would be rich with subtlety and sarcasm, as smart and funny as midcareer Woody Allen. Our fucking, like Werner Herzog, serious and perplexing. — Ottessa Moshfegh

I started rubbing my temples and she suggested I don't really get headaches. It just hurts me to think. — Kelley Armstrong

Push my buttons, and I'll push you off a bridge. — Karen Quan

Love is a fairytale blah, blah, blah. — Jessica Fortunato

You don't like my restaurant, Miss Connor?"
"I couldn't say since the waiting list to get in is six months long."
One side of his mouth curved up. "This is true."
His finger lingered, and I tried to swallow the nervous lump in my throat. "I think you can call me by my first name now, seeing as how you're touching my boob. That puts us a little past formality, don't you think? — Jenny Lyn

Poison." he said, deadpan. "That's an unusual name to give your child. You must love her very much."
She's a treasure." Bram agreed, blithely ignoing the sarcasm.
...
Then went a few dozen feet in silence, until they were out of eaarshor of the gaurd.
She's a treasure." Poison mimicked, and Bram burst out laughing. — Chris Wooding

Well, child? Aren't you going to try to turn me into some kind of unspeakable creature?
I don't think I shall bother, madam, seeing as you are making such a good job of it yourself! — Terry Pratchett

Lea, you know you should never have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent. — Christine Zolendz

Using love as a bait and replacing respect with ego-pampering makes you a skillful social animal; unfortunately, all kinds of animals are less evolved than human beings. Would you like to evolve? — Saurabh Sharma

Child-- "I can't be patient, that's not a word, so don't even say it mommy."

Mommy-- "What? — Mel Brown

History teaches us virtue, but nature never ceases to teachh us vice. — Ludwig Borne

Ove looks at the group assembled around him, as if he's been kidnapped and taken to a parallel universe. For a moment he thinks about swerving off the road, until he realises that the worst case scenario would be that they all accompanied him into the afterlife. — Fredrik Backman

What is your advice to young writers?"
"Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes. — Charles Bukowski

Yeah, it's a kodak moment. Quick, take a picture.
Sarah scoffs. I stick my tongue out at her. — Annie Brewer

Well, someone slap my butt and give me a hero cookie. (Nick) — Sherrilyn Kenyon

You're sure you didn't leave? Didn't try to explore Thunder Bay again, maybe go down to the park and, I don't know, dismember some poor jogger? — Kendare Blake

The creative process is a love story that never ends. The ideas are like suitors competing for your attention. You may have relationships, with multiple ideas, at once. You may devote yourself completely to one idea, for a awhile, but the affairs will never end. There will always be more ideas to romance and more concepts to develop. And all for that wonderful moment when you get to gaze at the complete creation and hold perfection in your arms, for one blissful moment ... before your inner-critic starts tearing it to shreds. — Jaeda DeWalt

Oh," she said, in a very different way. "Well. Thanks for my part in the compliment. Naturally I'd love to be watched and controlled, but I think I may be washing my hair that day. — Sarah Rees Brennan

Arjuro made a scoffing sound. 'You think Lumatere will invade because of you? Are you that important?'

Froi looked away. 'Isaboe would invade if you kidnapped a servant, let alone a friend.'

'Isaboe? We're on first-name terms with the Queen of Lumatere, are we?' Gargarin asked.

Froi found himself bristling. 'What? Do you think I'm some cutthroat for hire who they found hanging around the palace walls with the words "I want
to kill a Charynite King" tattooed on my arse? — Melina Marchetta

Does Hallmark make a "Sorry I tried to drink your blood and touched you in a vaguely inappropriate manner" card? I settled for "How much do you remember? — Molly Harper

Jules stood up and stretched gracelessly. "Let's hurry up and pay before she"-she indicated Claire with a flick of her thumb-"sees something shiny and we lose her again. — Kimberly Derting

As my laughter faded, he shot me an amused glance. "You should laugh more often. It's far less nauseating than your speaking voice."
"That may be the nicest thing you've ever said to me."
"Don't let it go to your head. — Cecily White

Yeah," Tamara said. "An old bowling alley. There must be a town not too far from here. But how could Aaron be there? And don't say something like 'working on his score' or 'maybe he's in a bowling league' or something like that. Be serious."
Call leaned against the rough bark of a nearby tree and resisted the urge to sit down. He was afraid he wouldn't be able to get up again. "I'm serious. It might be hard to tell in the dark, but I have my most super-serious face on. — Cassandra Clare

Miss Green can call a turd a rose if she wants, but that don't mean people's going to be lining up to smell it. — K. Martin Beckner

You must be a blast on long car rides."
"Oh, I am. You haven't experienced fun until you try to fuck in the front seat of a Civic. — Nenia Campbell

You couldn't find your dick in the dark, you scheming, sleaze-mongering scumwad. — Nenia Campbell

Arch turned and looked at Ian. The other man was fiddling with the neckline of his shirt. "You're just jealous, Ian, and wishing you had a soul mate of your own. In fact, I don't think any woman will be safe until you get one." Ian shot him an unamused look at his words. — Rose Wynters

You know, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.'
'And yet it is still extremely funny. — Cecelia Ahern

What's that around your neck?" asked Emily.
"It's a golden star." Said Reed.
"What did you get it for?"
"Chemistry class."
"What's the star for?" the shadow asked, Usually stars represent a straight A student.
"You get it for having greatness. But Emily doesn't know what that is." He said, answering the shadows question and looking at Emily.
"Greatness, what's greatness?" Emily asked, all wide eyed, and clueless looking
"It's when you do really awesome stuff, and people recognize you for it."
"Oh, no" Emily laughed ."No, I don't know what that is. — Rumi Antoinette

Sometimes we know people who are
too wonderful for words. I am not one of them.
Or you, for that matter, as you well know. — Michael Hogan

She thinks you're stalking me."
"Why the hell would I do that? I see too much of your ugly mug as it is. — Margaret Watson

I tweet from bed. I love it because it's so quick. And it's funny. But it also leaves a lot of room for error because new people don't sense the sarcasm - there's no sarcasm font. — Christine Teigen

Luke is the sort of boy Taylor Swift could at least three songs out of. — Beth Garrod

Yes, I was standing on nothing but congealed starlight. Yes, I was walking up through a savage storm, the wind threatening to tear me off and throw me into the freezing waters of Lake Michigan far below. Yes, I was using a legendary and enchanted means of travel to transcend the border between one dimension and the next, and on my way to an epic struggle between ancient and elemental forces.
But all i could think to say, between panting breaths, was, Yeah. Sure. They couldn't possibly have made this an escalator. — Jim Butcher

Most of the people you read about being turned meet vamps in clubs or over the Internet ... Ew, did you ... ?"
"Yes, I met a vampire on the Internet, went to his evil love den, and let him turn me, because I'm that brainless. — Molly Harper

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm.
It's really funny. — Brandon Sanderson

Best to have only a few absolutely perfect trait - for example, my hair and eyes and sparkling personality - so you don't overwhelm. — Kiersten White

Puppies are cute. I'm fierce!"
"Yeah!" Evelyn snorted. "Romas says you're as fierce as a kitten."
"A kitten?" Kiera's tone grew more hurt. "I'm not afraid of him, just because he's twelve feet tall and can bench press me with his toes. It's not nice of him to say that — Lizzy Ford

Some entertainers have tried to make art of coarseness, but in their public crudeness they have merely revealed their own vast senses of personal inferiority. When they heap mud upon themselves and allow their tongues to wag with vulgarity, they expose their belief that they are not worth loving and in fact are unlovable. When we as an audience indulge then in their profanity, we are like the audience at the Roman Colosseum being thrilled as the raging lions kill the unarmed Christians. We not only participate in the humiliation of the entertainers, but we are brought low by sharing in the obscenity. We need to have the courage to say obesity is not funny and vulgarity is not amusing. Insolent children and submissive parents are not the characters we want to admire and emulate. Flippancy and sarcasm are not qualities which we need to include in our daily conversations. — Maya Angelou

But you have said it too often, Mr. Benedict!" said Mrs. Perumal in an imperious tone that was quite out of character. "And if you continue in this vein, I'm afraid we'll be compelled to cut our visit short. Surely there are other establishments that would host an entire troup of guests - indefinitely and without reward - and not feel obliged to apologize for it! — Trenton Lee Stewart

I got an 'A' in Business Marketing in college!- as if that means a goddamn thing in the real world ... — Whitney Gracia Williams

Are you suggesting I'm working with the
zombies? That I paid them to pretend to
attack me so that I'd trick you into letting me join you?""Did you?" Mr. Holland demanded."Yeah, okay," I said in a sugar-sweet tone. "You're right. I was having dinner with Zombie Carl the other night. You know, steaks, rare, and a bottle of vintage type A. He told me all his secrets, but too bad for you I promised him I wouldn't tell. In exchange I asked him to gather his
best undead buddies and stalk me through
my friend's yard. And oh, yeah, it was
totally fine if they wanted to use me as an all-night dinner buffet, because having organs is so last season. — Gena Showalter

Teenagers are never joking. when seeking to prove a point, principals and teachers should remember that teenagers are never, ever sarcasic or ironic. if they say "I wish someone would drop a bomb on this school right now," that means they have arranged for a nuclear arsenal to be emptied onto the school and should be immediately suspended and ridiculed. if they say they were merely coming up with a joking excuse to postpone a bio test, reply that all jokes are funny, and that since dropping a bomb on a school is not funny, it is therefore
not
a
joke. — David Levithan

What exactly constitutes an emergency in a modelling agency? Two girls fighting to death with a hair straightener? — Kate Forster

Brightness ... I believe you stray into sarcasm."
"Funny.I thought I'd run straight into it,screaming at the top of my lungs. — Brandon Sanderson

Will suspected Jem was in fact cleverer than he was himself - but he lacked Will's tendency to assume the absolute worst about people and proceed from there. — Cassandra Clare

Sam gave Captain Suicide a droll stare. How did you die again? Oh wait, I know this. 'I can take 'em. I don't need to wait for reinforcements. I can do it myself.' How'd that work out for you again? — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Might have just been an innocent bystander, sir,' said Carrot
'What, in Ankh-Morpork?'
'Yes, sir.'
'We should have grabbed him, then, just for the rarity value — Terry Pratchett

Congress should make it so that all sex scenes in all films should be provided with a screaming baby sound track. That should help take away all the fun and may show a major decrease in unwanted pregnancies without having to provide birth control to anyone. — Heather Chapple

Women KNOW, we just know. Even if we didn't know, we would know. Men won't get this, but women will..because we KNOW — Karen Gibbs

I'm transferring Ian down to New Orleans to assist with this," Arch said as he looked at both men. "I would send Shayne, but Anna won't let him go anywhere without her. They're still in the honeymoon phase." He made a quote motion with his fingers.
Peter and Vincent exchanged horrified looks, before Peter responded. "Please, don't put us through that torture. — Rose Wynters

So the reason I was struck again and again was because of my overwhelmingly positive energy. Funny, I'd always thought of myself as a pessimist. — Jennifer Bosworth

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain. — Jeff Ross

Word of advice - never ask a terrorist the question 'What would you do for a Klondike bar?'. — David C. Holley

Forty dollars for one adult nonrefundable ticket. You're in luck - your bus leaves in a half hour. But there's no dogs, unless that's a service animal."
"Oh, yeah," Call said, with a quick look down at Havoc. "He's totally a service dog. He was in the service - the navy, actually."
The woman's eyebrows went up.
"He saved a man," Call said, trying out the story as he counted the cash and pushed it through the slot. "From drowning. And sharks. Well, just the one shark, but it was a pretty big one. He's got a medal and everything. — Cassandra Clare

I had become wiser, I tried to find out what irony really is, and discovered that some ancient writer on poetry had spoken of "Ironia, which we call the drye mock." And I cannot think of a better term for it: The drye mock. Not sarcasm, which is like vinegar, or cynicism, which is so often the voice of disappointed idealism, but a delicate casting of cool and illuminating light on life, and thus an enlargement. The ironist is not bitter, he does not seek to undercut everything that seems worthy or serious, he scorns the cheap scoring-off of the wisecracker. He stands, so to speak, somewhat at one side, observes and speaks with a moderation which is occasionally embellished with a flash of controlled exaggeration. He speaks from a certain depth, and thus he is not of the same nature as the wit, who so often speaks from the tongue and no deeper. The wit's desire is to be funny; the ironist is only funny as a secondary achievement. — Robertson Davies

I understand that you don't want to marry me," I said. "I mean, I don't know why, since I'm simply delightful to be around. But to each his own taste. — Merrie Haskell

It's a Christmas miracle. I had no tree. Now I have a forest. — Richelle Mead

Get the point?" I asked, offering the boys a triumphant smile.
Gabriel, Zeb, and Dick stared at me, aghast.
"What? Sarcastic postkill comeback. Isn't that what you're supposed to do in situations like this?
Too harsh? — Molly Harper

You were a well-respected agent, Michael, a rags-to-riches fairytale ending. Until you became disgraced. Now it appears your own organization wishes to be rid of you. Why is this?"
"My gun turned back into a pumpkin. — Nenia Campbell

You're not a loser. You're almost as smart as me, which makes you one of the smartest people on the planet. — Jules Barnard

When it rains it pours and when it shines you get melanoma. — Sol Luckman