Romantic Humor Quotes & Sayings

I'd once had a long-term relationship with a Five Point Five that got nowhere near living together. This was because I was a Two Point Five, he was a Five Point Five and he wanted a Nine Point Five. Therefore, we were both destined for a broken heart. He gave me mine. He later found a Six Point Five that wanted a Nine Point Five. She got herself a breast enhancement and nose job which made her a firm Seven (if you didn't count the fact that she thought she was a Ten point Five and acted like it which really knocked her down to a Six) who broke his heart. — Kristen Ashley

The only options I have are a four fingered shuffle and an aging vibrator whose batteries, the last time I looked, were leaking a sticky liquid.
I long to do the same."
Time Was by Paul Adams — Paul Adams

This was very exciting. I'd never had two boys get into a fight over me before. The fact that one of the boys was my stepbrother, however, and held about as much romantic appeal for me as Max, the family dog, somewhat dampened my enthusiasm. And Michael wasn't much of a catch, either, when you actually thought about it, being a potential murderer and all. Oh, why did I have to have such a couple of losers fighting over me? Why couldn't Matt Damon and Ben Affleck fight over me? Now that would be truly excellent. — Meg Cabot

She's eighty-four and still has all her teeth. She keeps them in a little wooden box on her dressing table. — Simon Hugh Wheeler

If all I have to do is remain awake to be considered romantic, than I can promise you a great deal of romance in our marriage. — Sherry Thomas

I'm a virgin, okay?"
There was a moment of silence while I assume he was struggling to understand the connection. Then he spoke.
"I'm not prejudiced against anyone. — Candice Raquel Lee

A romantic man often feels more uplifted with two women than with one: his love seems to hit the ideal mark somewhere between two different faces. — Elizabeth Bowen

Knives and candlelight," he said, "how romantic. — Nenia Campbell

Stay on my six, he said, nuzzling the hair at her ear and breathing deeply the sweet scent of her.
You remember what that is, right?
It's your ass. — Lynn Raye Harris

I decided that a movie marathon was clearly in order. I tried to narrow down the options. Anything romantic was definitely out, as was anything involving space travel, kings, or handsome princes. Preferably there should be no good-looking men whatsoever, lest they remind me of Aeron. Sadly, that eliminated practically everything. — M.A. George

Matt laughed. "Close. That was last year. This year it's Obsessive Deovtion to Fourier Analysis Theory and Applications. And my personal favorite, Quantum Physics II: Romantic Entanglements of Energy and Matter."
Julie turned her head to Matt. "You're a double major? Physics and math? Jesus ... "
"I know. Nerdy." He shrugged.
"No, I'm impressed. I'm just surprised your brains fit in your head."
"I was fitted with a specially desinged compression filter that allows excessive information to lie dormant until I need to access it. It's only the Beta version, so excuse any kinks that may appear. I really can't be held responsible. — Jessica Park

The point I was trying to make before you interrupted with your inventory
of my personality is that neither of us is going to be able to stay celibate for the next six months."
She dropped her eyes. If only he knew that she'd stayed that way all her life.
We'll be living in close quarters," he went on. "We're legally married, and it's only natural that we're going to get it on."
Get it on? His bluntness reminded her that none of this meant anything to him emotionally, and contrary to all logic, she'd wanted to hear something romantic. With some pique, she said, "In other words, you expect me to keep house, work for the circus, and 'get it on' with you."
He thought it over. "I guess that's about the size of it. — Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Some people call me sick and twisted. I feel that I'm neither; I am instead a Romantic. — Kenzie Western

Do you even have to ask? There is a party where you'll be half naked. Of course I'm taking you. I can't very well have any other guys on campus trying to get with my girl... — Amy Rachel Thompson

I like doing comedy, I like doing drama. Naturally I like to do, I like doing dramas, I like conflict, and when I do a comedy, you know, I've found that, like, romantic comedy is the trickiest one, because often it's neither: it's not romantic and it's not funny. So, like, I like a comedy that's biting. It's biting humor or really quirky humor. — Matt Dillon

There are a lot of explorations on TV of romantic relationships, and some are good and some are bad. I think there are very few explorations of male friendship that' s not just a wingman type friendship and not just an opportunity for humor, but that really explores two friends and their relationship. — David Shore

What exactly does the I in FBI stand for?" ~Maggie Mae Castro — Beth Yarnall

Never run after a man or a bus, there's always another one in five minutes. — Cherry Adair

The parasail's winch turned, winding up the line, pulling Ally and Serena lower and closer to him in a steady pull. A funny feeling seized him as he watched her. Logically, he knew she kept getting closer, but he suddenly knew she'd never arrive. She'd be suspended out on the end of that line for eternity, seemingly within reach, yet somehow distant. His breath stopped. — Linda Morris

Often you don't know whether you're the hero of a romantic comedy or the villain on a Lifetime special until the restraining order arrives. — Tim Kreider

Life Is Too Short--So Kiss Slowly,
Laugh Insanely, Love Truly,
And Live With Passion. — Andy Vogt

I had this vision of the two of us holding hands or getting into some light petting behind shower curtains or up in the fencing aisle or some shit. — Susan Juby

She even tried the one which every romantic nerve in her body insisted should work, which consisted of theatrically giving up, sitting down, and letting her glance fall naturally on a patch of earth which, if she had been in any decent narrative, should have contained the book.
It didn't. — Terry Pratchett

If you are reading this, I'm dead. Don't celebrate too much. Jesus is watching. — Katie Graykowski

It's not great when your husband thinks the only guy who can talk to you, is some other guy. — Jonas Eriksson

But one look at Wildcard's face, and he knew there was trouble.
Problem? he signaled.
Wildcard responded with an obscene gesture that more than conveyed his opinion that not only was this a problem, but it was a big problem.
...
"Okay". That was not anywhere near the complete reaming Muldoon imagined "We'll take a different route down."
"We could", Wildcard agreed. "But they've got a prisoner.."
Oh man, that hurt. Dream op to nightmare ... Muldoon gritted his teeth and considered his options.
"Holy fuck", Wildcard said. "When I tell you that a stupid ass French photog is going to turn this perfect op into a total clusterfuck, what you say sir, is 'Oh, holy fuck'. If this isn't the time to use your full adult vocabulary, Lieutenant, I honestly don't know what is". — Suzanne Brockmann

I feel like I've been ironing all day in high heels and no brassiere. ~Tizzy Donovan, Laid Out and Candle Lit — Ann Everett

I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Love is like a fart. It's warm, unpredictable. And sometimes it stinks, but it can also be the best feeling in the world. That's why I'm so happy that I passed you that day. I know now ... I fart you — Ryan Higa

(Can human beings change? The humor, and the sadness, of remarriage comedies can be said to result from the fact that we have no good answer to that question.) — Stanley Cavell

But it is cute. It's such a boy thing to do.
Drop dead.
Aw, you say the most romantic things. — Eliezer Yudkowsky

His name is Richard Bingham and he's an advertising executive at Bingham, Charles & Alexander. And yes, he is the Bingham in the title. He says, "I loved watching you eat your lunch. You really savored the flavors."
I am immediately mortified by his comment as I can only imagine what I must have looked like. I get an image in my head of a phone sex commercial for 1-800 eat-this. I grimace and beg, "Please tell me you were not watching me eat."
But he just smiles, "I couldn't take my eyes off of you. That's why I brought the desserts over. I can die a happy man if you'll just take one bite of each of them for me. — Whitney Dineen

Jakes nodded his dismissal. "Workable. Set up a meeting."
Mitchel stood. "Who would you like to send, sir?"
He smiled. "Ivy, I've neglected my duties as commander of The Baldain. I'll transport down to Earth and handle this matter myself. — Cheryl Sterling

While he'd been tentatively considering a possible romantic relationship with her, she'd fallen in love with him.
He could barely speak. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Mason snorted. "Yeah, that's right. Do you like Maira, check yes or no. Come on. You're almost thirty, you're old enough to go after what you want. — Alisha Rai

She needed to say something sexy and romantic with a mere hint of her vast intelligence. Something that would entice him into bed.
But what came out was, "I wanna fuck."
-Miki Kendrick — Shelly Laurenston

Eccentricities, of which I know I have
many, do not hold universal sexual and romantic lure. I understand that. — Jessica Park

Stridey-Man' asked, Want 2 vacay w/me?
William snorted as he typed. Romantic getaway for 2? UR not my type, dickwad.
Fuck U. i'm everybody's types. So U in or out?Last chance in or out?
In
Knew U couldn't resist me. B ready in 5.
Right on. Make it 10. I want 2 style my hair for U. U know, just how U like it.
ASSHOLE. — Gena Showalter

Everyone has a secret. — Kristine Cuevas

Far be it from a French man to interfere with love. — E.A. Bucchianeri

You snore."
She stopped in the middle of the hallway and gaped. "I do not."
"Oh yeah, you do." He nodded, beaming from ear to ear. "Cute, kind of baby snores, but still snores by standard definition. Maybe that was the problem that broke up you and David. Doctors need their sleep, you know. — Jennifer Shirk

For a split second, I wondered if he were some type of sexy sorcerer, who was able to remove my clothing by the force of his will alone. I squeezed my eyes shut and focused on the buttons of his shirt, willing them to pop off.
It didn't work. Then again, it was pretty hard to focus while he was touching me, so maybe under different circumstances, I too could be a sexy sorcerer. Watch out world. — M.C. Lavocat

I give him a skeptical look. "You want to show me your dick?"
"If it'll help convince you." He drains the last drops of his Scotch and stands up. "Come on, let's go. — Kendall Ryan

When she heard about Mitch, it was Roberta that talked me into making the pizza.
"You have to!" she'd nearly shrieked. She did this because I'd waxed on perhaps a little too enthusiastically about Mitch's looks, his warm smile and his neighborly behavior.
I shook my head. "I don't know. He freaks me out."
"Yeah, I get that. Johnny Depp came in and fixed my faucet then told me he wanted to try my pizza that would freak me out too. But I'd still make him my freaking pizza. — Kristen Ashley

Gentlemen do not carry a cane or a hat? No gloves?"
"Gentleman may still wear them, but I'm afraid the problem is that there aren't many left. — Camilla Isley

Finally, Charlie gave up the hunt and placed (the puppy) back on the floor, dispatching fleas was not his idea of a romantic evening, unless you happened to be a twisted exterminator, he thought. — E.A. Bucchianeri

You know what love means? It means loving the person you are now and not the person you want someone to be or the person they will be. — Samantha Stroh Bailey

Love is a two-way street constantly under construction. — Carroll Bryant

Mark Twain said, "Humor is mankind's greatest blessing." Dorsey Bing said, "I'll take womankind's greatest blessing: more wine. — CeCe Osgood

You're more romantic than a Taylor Swift song — Flynn Meaney

I'd eat a picnic in Hades with him. — Kristen Ashley

What mental hospital have you escaped from?" She wanted to laugh, but he looked so serious. "Prove you're an alien. Rip off your disguise. Show me your antennae. Where's your union card? — Cheryl Sterling

Oh, it's already on Facebook. I didn't feel the need to ask, you are mine... — Amy Rachel Thompson

Who do readers expect to see when they pick up this book? Who has won the Most Troubled Romantic Lead at the BookWorld Awards seventy-seven times in a row? Me. All me. — Jasper Fforde

Now, I did know a certain young lady of the 'romantic' generation of not so long ago who, after being mysteriously in love for several years with a certain gentleman whom she could have married at any time without the least difficulty, suddenly broke off their relationship, inventing for herself all manner of insurmountable obstacles, and one stormy night plunged from a high, precipitous cliff into a fairly deep and fast-flowing river, where she perished from her own caprice solely through her attempt to imitate Shakespeare's Ophelia, for, had the precipice, which she had long before singled out and been compulsively drawn to, been less picturesque, and had there been only a prosaically flat bank in its stead, perhaps there would have been no suicide at all. — Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Ren frowned as he surveyed the madness they were knee-deep in. "Why are you under such heavy fire?"
Nick gave him a droll stare. "Oh, I don't know. But we're really enjoying it. Fear has such a wonderfully romantic scent to it that they ought to turn it into cologne and deodorant. Eau de Ew. Let's all just take a minute, and bask in it. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

But whenever I meet dynamic, nonretarded Americans, I notice that they all seem to share a single unifying characteristic: the inability to experience the kind of mind-blowing, transcendent romantic relationship they perceive to be a normal part of living. And someone needs to take the fall for this. So instead of blaming no one for this (which is kind of cowardly) or blaming everyone (which is kind of meaningless), I'm going to blame John Cusack. — Chuck Klosterman

Baby, I could watch you watching paint dry, and I still wouldn't be bored." Garrett Graham, my own personal sweet-talker. — Elle Kennedy

Great. This girl was going to seriously mess with my ability to stay on parole. ~Maggie Mae Castro — Beth Yarnall

Piper went a little crazy. She cried out with relief and dove straight into the water.
What was she thinking? She didn't take a rope or a life vest or anything. But at the moment, she was just so happy that she paddled over to Leo and kissed him on the cheek, which kind of surprised him.
"Miss me?" Leo laughed.
Piper was suddenly furious. "Where were you? How are you guys alive?"
"Long story," he said. A picnic basket bobbed to the surface next to him. "Want a brownie? — Rick Riordan

So if this were a normal book about a girl with leukemia, I would probably talk a shitload about all the meaningful things Rachel had to say as she got sicker and sicker, and also probably we would fall in love and have some incredibly fulfilling romantic thing and she would die in my arms. But I don't feel like lying to you. She didn't have meaningful things to say, and we definitely didn't fall in love. She seemed less pissed with me after my stupid outburst, but she basically just went from irritable to quiet. — Jesse Andrews

It is not so incomprehensible as you pretend, sweet pea. Love is the feeling we have for those we care deeply about and hold in high regard. It can be light as the hug we give a friend or heavy as the sacrifices we make for our children. It can be romantic, platonic, familial, fleeting, everlasting, conditional, unconditional, imbued with sorrow, stoked by sex, sullied by abuse, amplified by kindness, twisted by betrayal, deepened by time, darkened by difficulty, leavened by generosity, nourished by humor and "loaded with promises and commitments" that we may or may not want or keep.
The best thing you can possibly do with your life is to tackle the motherfucking shit out of it. — Cheryl Strayed

While you're singing something romantic, I can't get the lyrics to 'Love and Marriage' out of my head, and that tune always reminds me of the jingle from Jeopardy. — E.A. Bucchianeri

I was supposed to write a romantic comedy, but my characters broke up. — Ann Brashares

So, how'd you get the tattoo?" she said.
"Drunken frat boys don't say no to things their drunken frat brothers are telling them to do."
"That almost sounds like an admission of weakness from the invulnerable Andrew Sheffield."
"Not weakness. Stupidity, maybe. That, I'll cop to."
"I can't believe the man behind such a successful business is stupid."
"You'd be surprised. Just as there are different kinds of intelligence, there are different kinds of stupid. — Linda Morris

I was so comfortable. I was warm and cozy, in that blissful, dreamy place between asleep and awake ...
Until my comfy pillow moved.
And the blanket keeping me warm moved.
I grumbled at them sleepily, and then my pillow and blanket chuckled.
I looked up, trying to make sense of my thoughts, and I saw him.
Cameron.
My pillow and blanket was Cameron; a half asleep, chuckling Cameron. I groaned and let my head fall back on his chest, his arms tightened around me. "I wondered why my pillow moved."
He chuckled again, and I could hear the sound resonate in my ear. — N.R. Walker

Well, I did tell you I couldn't give you a thing. Maybe you've just realised that Alistair can give the god damn world, and the pleasure of kissing his shiny slap-head every day! — LeeAnn Whitaker

You know, every bad guy was once good until he crossed a line. I don't think they come out of the womb being assholes. — Laurann Dohner

That's good. And speaking of spelling, tell me
do you wrap your head in a towel after you shower? — Nicholas Sparks

Beaumont wanted Esmond very badly. Esmond wanted Beaumont's wife. And she didn't want anybody. — Loretta Chase

He is a sweet boy, quick to laugh, easy to love. — George R R Martin

I need a hug from you to make me feel better about the fact I need a hug from you. — Stephanie Rowe

I'm Kieran. You must be a hell of a thief because you stole my heart from across the room, — Jayde Scott

Working with Ty Power was exciting. In those days, he was the biggest romantic swashbuckler in the world. Murderously handsome! But what I loved most about Ty Power was his wicked sense of humor. — Maureen O'Hara

If not for me being stoned and clinging to a taco, it would have been terribly romantic. — Richelle Mead

My life of crime began at seven twenty-eight this morning."
~ Charmaine Digby — Wendy Delaney

Because Time has been around for a long time, it often gets bored. In order to briefly relieve its boredom, Time enjoys constructing massively unlikely series of events. If the events are of the romantic kind, they're called Fate, and if they are of the negative kind, we call them Unfortunate Coincidence. — Ben Brooks

If you want to dance the dance then you better learn the steps, the world has enough pretenders. If you want to practice sex then you better find a partner, and to love you must surrender. — Carroll Bryant

Is there anything you want to do before we put our heads in plastic boxes for two days?'
I thought about this for a second, then held the side of her face and kissed her.
We both zipped up our suits just in time to see the reactor blow: a column of green radioactive fire, belching black smoke. Di squeezed my hand, our big boxy heads knocked clumsily together, and I tried to think of something romantic to say.
'Well, I guess that's why they all die of cancer. — Tom Francis

Someone else is looking for him?"
"That's right, two men." Mrs. Brody softly laughed and said "They look just like those men in that alien movie. Dressed in black suits and sunglasses. They don't have much of a sense of humor though. When they came to my door, I asked them if they were seeking aliens and I assured them I wasn't one. They didn't laugh at my joke. — Linda Weaver Clarke

Well, you know. Some people are like wolves and some are like bears. And bears and wolves don't go together. You don't see me trying to convince you to be a wolf? So, why are you trying to convince me to be a bear?"
I could hear him blinking on the other side of the line. "Can you translate that into English?"
"Wolves mate for life. Bears hit and run. — Candice Raquel Lee

By the time Kevin picks me up and we get seated at the restaurant, I'm so famished I'm ready to eat my napkin. Instead, I point across the room and say, "Look, doesn't that girl look like Becky Brady from high school?" And as he turns to take a gander, I grab a roll and stuff it into my purse. I try the trick once more and by the time I have secreted away two rolls with pats of butter, I excuse myself to use the ladies room. I sit on the toilet and devour them both in seconds. They are the best thing I've ever eaten and I would kill to have the remaining two here in the bathroom with me. Yet once the initial euphoria of my crime wears off, I immediately feel guilty. — Whitney Dineen

Okay, that's just bull." Aurelia snorted. "You can't be friends with someone you have the fuzzies for. Oh sure you can try, but sooner or later the fuzzy will get to you and before you know it, out with the self control and you both will be going at it like bunnies. — Delia Winters

'There's a seagull eating our food,' he told me, and it was the most romantic thing I'd ever heard. — T.J. Klune

Just before she was about to hit send she deleted the kisses. In case the therapist thought she was leading him on. Then she thought of all the actual kissing they'd done last night. Ridiculous. She may just as well kiss him in a text message. She made it three kisses and went to hit send, but then she wondered if it would seem overly romantic, and changed it back to one kiss, but that seemed stingy, compared to his two, as if he was trying to make a point She made a 'tch' sounded, added back in the second kiss and hit send. — Liane Moriarty

Meg and Belch only had eyes for each other. Not in the usual romantic sense. — Eoin Colfer

You're such a romantic. Just like your brother. Do you know what he bought for me for our last anniversary? A knife sharpener. — Kim Fielding

I know this sounds very Neanderthal but I want a man that would just take me, ravage me, and do what he pleases with me. I frankly don't care what he does or how he does it. I just want it to be fucktastic. I want some bodies slamming, head banging, and wild animalistic beastie craze sex. You Jane, me Tarzan kind of sex. — Dee Dinh

Bryce looked like a California underwear model. Not that I'd thought about him in his underwear.
Much.
He was talking with his friend Nathan. Where Bryce had the whole tan, blond, hazel-eyed thing going on, Nathan was fair with dark hair and dark eyes. They looked like opposite sides of the same coin. A really hot, totally unreachable coin that a collector would keep in a special locked case, which normal girls like myself were not allowed to touch. — Chris Cannon

A pair of great heels was much more satisfying than a man. They lasted longer, and better yet, they didn't leave me for someone prettier. — Cindi Madsen

What the hell just happened? I mean, come on. Throwing in a hot looking demon with romantic intentions is so disturbing. It's like Chax doing karaoke, way out disturbing. — Karen Swart

It was sweet he was checking on me. He didn't have to, but he knew that Blair and I were friends. Sisters, even. And he wanted to protect her friends like he'd protect her.

Well, maybe not the same way. If there was a gun fight he'd probably use me as a shield to protect her. But still, he cared. — Barbara C. Doyle

A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment. — Jane Austen

Adam has always had ... heroic tendencies."
I touched Adam's arm. "He's my hero."
There was another pause ...
"That is the most romantic thing I've ever heard you say," Bran said. "Be careful, Adam, or you'll turn her into a real girl."
Adam looked at me. "I like her just the way she is, Bran." And he meant it, greasy overalls, broken fingernails, and all. — Patricia Briggs

Ryker smiled at me. "You learn quick - "

I cut him off. "If you call me grasshopper, I'm going to slug you."

"Padawan."

I shoved him. It was more like shoving a tree. He didn't even flinch. "You're such a nerd."

"Geek, Millie. I'm a geek." His lips twitched and it made me want to raise myself up on my tiptoes and kiss him.

I shot him a grin instead. "Only a nerd would know the difference. — E.M. Denning

Dreams are memories.
Memories are dreams.
But my time with you hasn't become a dream just yet.
Because the sensation of your kisses
keep me from sleep.
I'm in love,
God help me, I'm in love. — F.K. Preston

Which is your bad shoulder?"
His brows knit together. "The left," he said carefully.
She slugged him in the right.
He staggered. Steadied himself. Grinned. "Is that like some weird Wyoming mating ritual thing I should know about?"
"Damn you," she cried, flying into his arms. Finally. "Damn you, damn you, damn you!"
He wrapped his arms around her, held her tight. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was such a coward. — Cindy Gerard

Damn, this op has been like a fucking Love Boat episode. — Suzanne Brockmann

Great. He was a hottie, a good kisser, and a literature buff. God really must have had a sense of humor, because if I had to name my biggest turn-on, it was literature. And he had just recommended a book that I didn't know, that wasn't taught in school. If I were single, there would be no better pick-up line. Suddenly, I found myself thinking back to Atonement - you know, the scene in the book where the two main characters have sex in the library? Even though Chloe said doing it against bookshelves would be really uncomfortable (and she'd probably know), it was still a fantasy of mine. Like, what's more romantic than a quiet place full of books? But I shouldn't have been thinking about my library fantasies. Especially while I was staring at Cash. In the middle of a library. — Kody Keplinger

I'm a guy. Unless the dirt attacks first, I leave it in peace. — Katie Graykowski

You never know what's coming for ya" from the 2008 American romantic fantasy drama film 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button', directed by David Fincher. — Unknown