Restaurant Humor Quotes & Sayings

I tried eating vegetarian. I felt like a wimp going into a restaurant. "What do you want to eat sir? Broccoli?" Broccoli's a side dish, folks. Always was, always will be, OK! When they ask me what I want, I say: What do you think I want? This is America. I want a bowl of raw red meat right now. — Denis Leary

If you've done 6 impossible things this morning, why not round it off with breakfast at Milliways, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe? — Douglas Adams

I've never seen Salisbury steak on a restaurant menu. It's only in frozen dinners. Is there something we should know about that? What IS Salisbury steak anyway? And where do they hunt or harvest the salisburies? — Kelli Jae Baeli

You piss me off you Salmon ... You're too expensive in restaurants. — Eddie Izzard

Claiming "the budget can't allow it" reminds me of when you walk into a restaurant at a civilized hour like ten o'clock and they say "the kitchen is closed." For years I would hear this, and think, "damn, just a little too late, oh well, thank you, I guess it's Denny's again."
And then one day it hit me: kitchens don't close. Just as at home, at a certain point in the night, I stop using the kitchen
but at three in the morning, if I want to, I still have the ability to go downstairs and "re-open" the kitchen by turning on the stove and opening the refrigerator! Restaurants are not banks; at the stroke of ten an enormous airlock doesn't seal off the kitchen and render the preparation of food an utter impossibility./ No, kitchens can open and budgets are what certain people say they are. — Bill Maher

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant! — Henny Youngman

No one washes their hands after they piss unless they're in a public place. If I'm at the airport, or a restaurant, and someone else is there, I'll soap up for the sake of civilization, but it's only for show, I don't really care if I have ultraviolet traces of urine or feces on my hands. But, if I see someone walk oudda the men's without soaping up I'll think he's deranged, borderline psychotic. At least pretend that washing your hands matters. You know, for the sake of civilization. — Shannon Lyndsy

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. — Steven Wright

One time, I went to a restaurant and I asked the waiter for some food for thought. He left, came back, and tried shoving a sirloin in my ear. — Travis J. Dahnke

With his arm back around Gavin's waist, Brad suddenly seemed very determined to get to their destination. Gavin was curious about it until he saw the restaurant. With rainbow flags hanging on either side of the sign mounted on the roof, it sort of looked like home base in a game of gay tag. — Kele Moon

The brains of members of the Press departments of motion-picture studios resemble soup at a cheap restaurant. It is wiser not to stir them. — P.G. Wodehouse

Kid,' he laughed 'you're crazier than a shithouse rat in an Indian restaurant but you've got yourself a deal. Vinny! Lace up, you and the KFC are going three rounds. — David Louden

Heaven has no taste."
"Now-"
"And not one single sushi restaurant."
A look of pain crossed the angel's suddenly very serious face. — Terry Pratchett

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail. — Rodney Dangerfield

When your heart starts to feel full again. I love FREE refills, and if a restaurant tries to double charge me, I refuse to write a love poem on their Yelp page.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz — Karen Quan

I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right.' — Mitch Hedberg

At least I'm not a font nerd."
"A what?"
Matt smiled. "You know. People who love fonts. There are people who go to a movie and get agitated because, while the movie is supposed to be set in 1962, the restaurant awning shown in the background of some scene is printed in Arras Bold, which wasn't invented until 1991, so clearly the producers of the movie are insane and should be beheaded. — Jessica Park

Asshole." "Just for that, I expect you to wrap that dirty mouth of yours around my cock tonight." He narrowed his eyes on me.
I couldn't believe he'd just said that to me in a fancy restaurant where anyone might overhear. "Are you kidding?" "Babe," he gave me a look that suggested I was missing the obvious, "I never kid about blowjobs."
Our waiter had descended on us just in time to hear those romantic words and his rosy cheeks betrayed his embarrassment. "Ready to order?" he croaked out."Yes," Braden answered, obviously uncaring he'd been overhead. "I'll have the steak, medium-rare." He smiled softly at me. "What are you having?" He took a swig of water. He thought he was so cool and funny. "Apparently sausage." Braden choked on the water, coughing into his fists, his eyes bright with mirth as he put his glass back on the table. "Are you okay, sir?" The waiter asked anxiously. "I'm fine, I'm fine. — Samantha Young

I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!" — Mitch Hedberg

I personally have dealt with any adversity in my life with humor. That's why I told America to 'Read my hips!' on 'Dancing With the Stars' or was happy to play along with Jason Alexander and Jerry Seinfeld in the great restaurant scene on 'Seinfeld.' — Marlee Matlin

This is the Propylon." He waved toward a stone path lined with crumbling columns. "One of the main gates into the Olympic valley."
"Rubble!" said Leo
"And over there - " Frank pointed to a square foundation that looked like the patio for a Mexican restaurant - "is the Temple of Hera, one of the oldest structures here."
"More rubble!" Leo said.
"And that round bandstand-looking thing - that's the Philipeon, dedicated to Philip of Macedonia."
"Even more rubble! First rate rubble! — Rick Riordan

This phrase did not have the ring of verisimilitude because I am famously bad at math. If I'm in charge of tipping at a restaurant, the waiter will either fall to his knees in gratitude or slash my tires. There ain't no Mr. In Between. — Celia Rivenbark

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito. — Mitch Hedberg

There's a great Lebanese restaurant a few blocks over. They have the best shawarma in the world."
"What's shawarma?"
"You know what a gyro is?"
"No."
"Same thing. — Huston Piner

I was eating a steak at a local restaurant last night, when a random woman said: "Y'know, you'd be much better off being a vegetarian." "Are you crazy?" I said, "The cow was a vegetarian and look what happened to it! — Quentin R. Bufogle

Niall had been able to mask the odor of fairy from Eric in the restaurant, but I saw from the flare of Eric's nostrils that the intoxicating scent clung to me. Eric's eyes closed in ecstasy, and he actually licked his lips. I felt like a T-bone just out of reach of a hungry dog.
"Snap out of it," I said. I wasn't in the mood.
With a huge effort, Eric reigned himself in. "When you smell like that," he said, "I just wanna fuck you and bite you and rub myself all over you. — Charlaine Harris

Once I saw Paris Hilton leaving a restaurant in Hollywood and the paparazzi cameras were all over her. It looked so unpleasant. It wasn't because she didn't look sensational - she was that perfect combination of fashionable and slutty - it was because the paparazzi guys were shouting these insanely rude and intrusive questions at her. Like, asking her who she was sleeping with and stuff. I was kind of interested in the answer, so I was glad they asked, but it was still gross. — Mindy Kaling

You don't like my restaurant, Miss Connor?"
"I couldn't say since the waiting list to get in is six months long."
One side of his mouth curved up. "This is true."
His finger lingered, and I tried to swallow the nervous lump in my throat. "I think you can call me by my first name now, seeing as how you're touching my boob. That puts us a little past formality, don't you think? — Jenny Lyn

I was going to say he's aimless," the witch replied. "I know he's a bit old to be old to living at home with his mom, but he's had a difficult time holding a job. He's worked at Wendy's, Taco Bell, and Burger King, but it all ends the same way- he challenges his manager to combat, takes over the restaurant, and enslaves his coworkers. Then it's back to video games." - Morgan le Fay — Michael Buckley

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.' — Tommy Cooper

I was in a fast-food restaurant for the first time in my adult life, an enormous and garish place just around the corner from the music venue. It was mystifyingly, inexplicably busy. I wondered why humans would willingly queue at a counter to request processed food, then carry it to a table which was not even set, and then eat it from the paper? Afterward, despite having paid for it, the customer themselves are responsible for clearing away the detritus. Very strange. — Gail Honeyman

Moments later as we crossed the road to the 50's diner, I recited the restaurant rules in my head one more time.

Rule one: Keep your hands clean.
Rule two: Careful with the food trays.
Rule three: Visit the soda fountain as often as you like, but don't make yourself sick.
Rule four: Enjoy the poodle skirt. — Kate Willis

We use similar products. Our focus industry is healthcare and hospitality. But we haven?t done anything interactive. The first day full of seminars is full of things I thought would be useful: quick service restaurant and mobile phone applications. Businesses are providing more services and products by self-service means. — Milton Jones

Ode to Douglas Adams

In the solar system we inhabit, we live on a small planet we all call Earth. Okay, when I say small, I mean it's small compared to say, oh, Jupiter. Earth is something like a dime compared to Jupiter's beach ball. On this Earth is a fairly large country we all call The United States of America. Of course, when I say fairly large, it's like the U.S. is a piece of broccoli next to China's really large cauliflower. Now that I think of it, that may not be a good comparison as it depends on the restaurant you go to. At the place I was at last night it would be a good comparison as the cauliflower was larger than the broccoli. Not that I'd touch either. I had a hamburger with fries and somebody at the next table had those ghastly vegetables.

From the Preface to "Sex and the American Male." I was saddened by the passing of Douglas Adams and wrote the preface to sound a little like his "Hitchhiker's..." books and to honor him. I hope he's smiling. — Jay Williams

Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like. — Lemony Snicket

Do they always flirt with biblical quotes?" Asil asked Tad.
In long-suffering tones, Tad said, "They can flirt with the periodic table or a restaurant menu. We've learned to live with it. Get a room you guys. — Patricia Briggs

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost. — Kristen Schaal

Simply put, dramatic irony is when a person makes a harmless remark, and someone else who hears it knows something that makes the remark have a different, and usually unpleasant, meaning. For instance, if you were in a restaurant and said out loud, "I can't wait to eat the veal marsala I ordered," and there were people around who knew that the veal marsala was poisoned and that you would die as soon as you took a bite, your situation would be one of dramatic irony. — Lemony Snicket

You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, "DuFresnes, party of two." They say again, "DuFresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name, "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! "Bush, search party of three!" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes! — Mitch Hedberg

I realized I'd only seen him at night in dim, flattering restaurant lighting. The sun was not his friend. — Augusten Burroughs

Then what's this?" She raised her glass of expensive wine, used it to indicate their plush surroundings.
His gaze followed her indication around the dim-lit, upmarket Italian restaurant. "Dinner in comfort."
"With a side order of persuasion?"
"More like an offer I'm hoping you can't refuse. — Monique DeVere

You want me to be your spy in a game of restaurant espionage? Will I need a code name?"
"It's nothing morally reprehensible or anything, " Wes hastened to assure her. "Just curiosity."
"I think your code name should be Tiberius," she said decisively. "I'll be Uhura."
"Tiberius? As in James Tiberius Kirk?" Wes blinked, then grinned. "Oh my God, this is your version of flirting. How do you say 'I fancy you' in Klingon? — Louisa Edwards

Q: Are you guys shooting a movie?
A: No. We're opening a mid-priced Italian restaurant.
Q: Huh?
A: Yes of course we're shooting a movie.
Q: What's the movie about?
A: It's a documentary about human stupidity.
Q: Can I be in your movie?
A: We'd be stupid not to put you in it. — Jesse Andrews

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver. — Tim Vine

By the time Kevin picks me up and we get seated at the restaurant, I'm so famished I'm ready to eat my napkin. Instead, I point across the room and say, "Look, doesn't that girl look like Becky Brady from high school?" And as he turns to take a gander, I grab a roll and stuff it into my purse. I try the trick once more and by the time I have secreted away two rolls with pats of butter, I excuse myself to use the ladies room. I sit on the toilet and devour them both in seconds. They are the best thing I've ever eaten and I would kill to have the remaining two here in the bathroom with me. Yet once the initial euphoria of my crime wears off, I immediately feel guilty. — Whitney Dineen

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg

When you meet a man in the doorway of a Mexican restaurant who later kisses you while explaining that this kiss doesn't "mean anything" because, much as he likes you, he is not interested in having a relationship with you or anyone right now, just laugh and kiss him back. Your daughter will have his sense of humor. Your son will have his eyes. — Cheryl Strayed

All in all, the lunch date was fine. Like an opened can of soda in its second hour. If you were thirsty, you might take a sip or two, but I carried more hopes walking in to the restaurant than I did walking out. — Heather Dugan

He flapped his mouth some more, and then shook himself awake, came to a decision, and starting sneaking huge, theatrical looks around the restaurant, as a way of telling all the other lunchers that I Am Now Going To Give This Man An Important Piece of Paper. — Hugh Laurie

Disney Resort and World and Compound, a place where your dreams really do come true, if you dream about having people wearing enormous cartoon-animal heads come around to your restaurant table and act whimsical and refuse to go away until you laugh with delight. — Dave Barry

Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and said: 'We don't serve colored people here.' I said: 'that's all right, I don't eat colored people. Bring me a whole fried chicken. — Dick Gregory