Really Funny And Sarcastic Quotes & Sayings

Babe, I hate to break it to you, but you're one messed up mess."
"I know!" I exclaimed before breaking off into a fit of laughter. "I ought to be admitted or put on some serious medication or something. — K.R. Grace

Celaena?" Sam asked into the dark. "Should I worry about going to sleep?"
She blinked, then laughed under her breath. At least Sam took her threats somewhat seriously. — Sarah J. Maas

It is true, I worry about the hype. The only person more over-hyped than me is you. — Barack Obama

I never play cricket. It requires one to assume such indecent postures. — Oscar Wilde

Keep trying?
I'd rather keep walking. I mean, whisky is whisky — Ljupka Cvetanova

I've got everything I need right here." That sentimental thought met a room full of cheesy and sarcastic "aw's" and an empty water bottle thrown at my head. No, stop guys, really. You're embarrassing me. — Rachel Higginson

The little dictator who went to Moscow in his green fatigues to receive a bear hug did not forsake the doctrine of Lenin when he returned to the West and appeared in a two-piece suit. (On Daniel Ortega Saavedra) — Ronald Reagan

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already? — Cynthia Heimel

Had double chins all the way down to his stomach. — Mark Twain

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. — David Letterman

Don't take life too seriously. — RuPaul

Just because the kid's cute, doesn't mean you're not the father. — Will Smith

(The Mona Lisa), that really is the ugliest portrait I've seen, the only thing that supposedly makes it famous is the mystery behind it, Katherine admitted as she remembered her trips to the Louvre and how she shook her head at the poor tourists crowding around to see a jaundiced, eyebrow-less lady that reminded her of tight-lipped Washington on the dollar bill. Surely, they could have chosen a better portrait of the First President for their currency? — E.A. Bucchianeri

To live as one likes is plebian the noble man aspires to order and law. — Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

I grew up as a very sarcastic person. I was always the class clown, and to date girls, I had to be really funny. I was really skinny growing up. I was so thin, I had to run around in the shower to get wet. That kind of thin. So I always had to rely on humor and sarcasm. — Kurt Fuller

His son Peter Bucky happily spent time driving Einstein around, and he later wrote down some of his recollections in extensive notebooks. They provide a delightful picture of the mildly eccentric but deeply un-affected Einstein in his later years. Peter tells, for example, of driving in his convertible with Einstein when it suddenly started to rain. Einstein pulled off his hat and put it under his coat. When Peter looked quizzical, Einstein explained: "You see, my hair has withstood water many times before, but I don't know how many times my hat can. — Walter Isaacson

The English have a miraculous power of turning wine into water. — Oscar Wilde

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. — George Carlin

You think he left a big flashing arrow pointing to a filing cabinet labeled 'Evidence Here!'? He's a Stray, Ethan, not Wile E. Coyote! — Rachel Vincent

She bared her teeth at me. "Screw you, shifter!"
"Ah, is our honeymoon period over so quickly? You wanted to jump my bones just a second ago. — Cori Moore

Get the point?" I asked, offering the boys a triumphant smile.
Gabriel, Zeb, and Dick stared at me, aghast.
"What? Sarcastic postkill comeback. Isn't that what you're supposed to do in situations like this?
Too harsh? — Molly Harper

I choked on the air I'd just sucked in and swung around in disbelief. "What did you just say?"
"Me and the whole PD heard about your wet bra, so I'm assuming your panties are wet too. — Rachel Brookes

As we celebrate Recovery Month, it is time for Congress to knock down the barriers to treatment and recovery for 26 million Americans suffering the ravages of alcohol and drug addiction. — Jim Ramstad

Thought she said to leave the door open."
"It is. It's cracked. That's Open. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and discovering there's a gas bill tied to it. — Rowan Atkinson

What do you call 500 lawyers lying on the bottom of the Ocean? A good start.. — Danny DeVito

Your services might be as useful as a barbershop on the steps of a guillotine. — Rowan Atkinson

Miss Green can call a turd a rose if she wants, but that don't mean people's going to be lining up to smell it. — K. Martin Beckner

Size does matter. There's a lot of ways to make people feel good, but personally I think it does enhance things. — Pamela Anderson

I don't even pretend to believe I know everything; I just believe in arguments God told me I had a pretty good chance of winning, while I was traveling through hell. — Shannon L. Alder

I started down but Sam caught my arm and knelt down himself to look.
"For crying out loud," he said. "It's a racoon."
"Poor thing," I said.
"It could be a rabid baby-killer," Cole told me primly.
"Shut up," Sam said pleasantly. — Maggie Stiefvater

I'm still furious with you," she murmured, kissing a line down his chest.
"Oh, God, please don't be furious," he choked out quickly. "Every female I know is furious with me. Rosalyn throws tantrums, and Charlotte hasn't spoken to me or written since you left." He moved his hands to unbutton her gown. "The morning I thought you'd sailed out of my life I started drinking and didn't stop until I'd finished two bottles. For three days I had a blistering headache, and Nedda couldn't for the life of her stop banging things." He groaned. "And I can't even begin to tell you about your sisters. — Adele Ashworth

very funny my sarcastic friend — Cassandra Clare

So what's it to be, Bear?"
Dev lifted his leg and gave a sarcastic slap to his thigh.
"By golly, I'll take door number two, Bob. You know the one that calls for straight suicide with a side of mutilation and pain? Sign my hairy ass up for that and don't be late. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Folks always look good in their coffins. — Elvis Presley

Really, if the lower orders don't set a good example, what on earth is the use of them? — Oscar Wilde

Writers don't get mad they get even in their novels. — Candace C. Bowen

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't driving around on a bus and having a campfire kind of adding to the environment problem? — Will Smith