R Rudner Quotes & Sayings

Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act. — Rita Rudner

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram." — Rita Rudner

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting." — Rita Rudner

Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover. — Rita Rudner

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. — Rita Rudner

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. — Rita Rudner

I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money! — Rita Rudner

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. — Rita Rudner

I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21. — Rita Rudner

I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me. — Rita Rudner

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" — Rita Rudner

If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. — Rita Rudner

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married adn I didn't want him to. — Rita Rudner

My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale. — Rita Rudner

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. — Rita Rudner

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other. — Rita Rudner

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to. — Rita Rudner

I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups. — Rita Rudner

Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!" — Rita Rudner

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. — Rita Rudner

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax. — Rita Rudner

The joy in catching butterflies is the joy of capturing - for an instant - utter beauty. The satisfaction of being able to let it go is immense. — Ruth Rudner

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. — Rita Rudner

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed. — Rita Rudner

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it. — Rita Rudner

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano. — Rita Rudner

Los Angeles is a very transient town. It's the only place I know where you can actually rent a dog. — Rita Rudner

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps. — Rita Rudner

I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy. — Rita Rudner

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers. — Rita Rudner