Quote Humor Quotes & Sayings

Did you just seriously quote Grease? I think I'm gonna have to revoke your man card. — Elizabeth Sharp

My favorite quote in the world is this one. — Richelle E. Goodrich

Whenever I do write a quote,
People say, What a nice thought!
And I say It's not only a thought,
It's a lesson which I have been taught. — Rajendra Singh Solanki

Monthly, out of common courtesy, he went to inquire after the invalid Charles, who refused either to die or get better. — Winston Graham

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer. — Carroll Bryant

Premeditated anger is a bitch. Instead of saying, "Next time he does this, I will ... ", say, "Next time he does that, I will show him more patience and more love. That's premeditative love. She's much sexier! — Ace Antonio Hall

I don't spend money on books. I write them myself. — Ljupka Cvetanova

I went over to where Ted was leaning against the green cinderblock wall. He was sitting with his legs splayed out below the bulletin board, which was full of notices from the Mathematical Society of America, which nobody ever read, Peanuts comic strips (the acme of humor, in the late Mrs. Underwood's estimation), and a poster showing Bertrand Russell and a quote: "Gravity alone proves the existence of God." But any undergraduate in creation could have told Bertrand that it has been conclusively proved that there is no gravity; the earth just sucks. — Richard Bachman

Suddenly, the double doors of the parlor whooshed open. A large fleshy woman stood before me in full regalia. Her eyes were all made up, earrings and bracelets jangling. The sign in the window said Miss Sadie was a medium. From the look of her, I'd say that was a bit wishful. — Clare Vanderpool

He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Quote taken from Chapter 1:
I know what." Isabel reached under the end table, took out the game board, and rattled the Band-Aid box containing the letter tiles. "It's been a week-and-a-half since our last Scrabble game. — Ed Lynskey

This book has the best quote describing the feeling of getting drunk. "I was starting to get drunk now, and I was clinging with my fingertips to the last vestige of decorum. Soon, however, I knew there would come that moment when, without anyone's bidding, I would slip through a crack in the floorboards and find myself rowing across the River Styx with my demon entourage, and not until morning would I fully be able to assess the consequences". Perfect. — Rex Pickett

When I write, it feels like there are two little creatures that sit on each of my shoulders. One whispers, "You can do this. You've got what it takes." The other sounds like my mother-in-law. — Carla H. Krueger

The perfect body protects its owner from disease, gives birth to amazing new people and stops your bones from falling out. The end. — Heather Hill

It's okay, Fia," said Nathan from the end of the hallway. He carried a large bundle of white comforter in his skinny arms and dumped it on the couch. "Aaron sucks at compliments."

"I am quite adept with compliments," he said dryly. "But I do not praise bad behavior. — Deidre Huesmann

Want wisdom? Laugh at yourself. — Maggie Bishop

Time and Tide wait for no Man; what about woman ? How Sexist ! — Gaurav Rao

For those who have true love, have no limits of expressing their love to one another yet it is a sad fact that those who are searching for love, fear expressing their love to even those who love them. — Auliq Ice

Prayer works (unless God has a different plan for you, that is different than what you want). Pray now. It works best if God is undecided. — Juanita Ray

This quote will self-destruct in ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... Just kidding ... Or am I? — Craig Benzine

Don't fucking quote me! — Roni Batti Kajou

There are a number of rules that should be observed when one meets royalty, ranging from what one can say and when, to where one should stand, when one can sit, even where one should look. Sindy bobbed a nervous curtsy and, before being introduced, blurted out an invitation to come inside whilst looking John directly in the eye. — F.D. Lee

Quote taken from Chapter 1:
The June afternoon had clear, blue skies - ideal weather for birdwatching. — Ed Lynskey

Miraculously, I keep it together, although I would love to just slap the stupid out of them. — Brandy Nacole

The sun doesn't live in England; it comes here on holiday when we're all at work. — Benny Bellamacina

Opposities are married. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Most of you Mistborn are probably too proud to crawl. I'm surprised you were willing to do so yourself."
"Too proud to crawl?" Kelsier said. "Nosense! Why, I'd say that we Mistborn are too proud not to be humble enough to go crawling about--in a dignified manner, of course."
Dockson frowned, approaching the desk. "Kell, that didn't make any sense."
"We Mistborn need not make sense. — Brandon Sanderson

If Socrates was alive today he would say : I know that I know everything. That's what contemporary philosophers do. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists. — Matshona Dhliwayo

We keep electing council members for appearance sake, it doesn't mean anything, and it is just a show for the people, so that they may sleep well at night with their delusion of peace. — S.R. Gibbs

Quote: a banal proverb that is considered profound when uttered by a celebrity. — Bauvard

They were all on his side. Hi boat sank. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Islam expect every Muslim to do this duty, and if we realise our responsibility time will come soon when we shall justify ourselves worthy of a glorious past. — Muhammad Ali Jinnah

As Samson demonstrated, going bald ruins lives. — Brendan Jack

It is a sign of immaturity to believe that being older than someone (automatically) makes you more (mentally) mature than them. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

My name is Alexander Solomon Slade. I'm the Global Operations Director, although most here call me God"

"Well Mr Slade, if we are going by acronyms, I guess I could also call you Ass? — Jodi Knight

After a long moment, Laurent said, I'm going to need some help standing up. — C.S. Pacat

I've stolen a shirt to wear since my clothing has gone missing. You may as well get used to living without it because there is no way I'm giving up a tee that says 'To unleash the Kraken is to unzip my pants. — Nikki Winter

I do believe you would be perfectly happy shut up in your study with your rolls of manuscript all your life, without seeing another human being save a servant to bring you in bread and fruit and water twice a day. — G.A. Henty

All groups are a little intimidated by ya show of power. I mean who ever thought the monarchy was dead didn't realize it changed zip codes. - Cross — Mira Monroe

Without a sense of humor, you don't have much sense at all. — Pen

What I learn today I shall know forever. Whether or not I remember that I know it is a different story. — Richelle E. Goodrich

In his life there was only one woman. The other one. — Ljupka Cvetanova

I watched you undress. Shame on you! — Ljupka Cvetanova

Part of my soul goes into each quote I write. A book of my quotes can be yours for just $19.99. — Ryan Lilly

If you find yourself cutting corners, go in a circle instead — Benny Bellamacina

Kelsier rapped lightly on the door, and Dockson strolled over, pulling it open.
"And he makes his stunning entry!" Kelsier announced, sweeping into the room, throwing back his mistcloak.
Dockson snorted, shutting the doors. "You're truly a wonder to behold, Kell. Particularly the soot stains on your knees. — Brandon Sanderson

Hurray', shouted Glokta. 'Porridge again!'He looked over at the motionless Practical. 'Porridge and honey, better than money, everything's funny, with porridge and honey! — Joe Abercrombie

Quote is taken from Chapter 1:
A decade ago when Isabel's husband Max had died, they'd moved in together and merged their possessions. Neither sister brought any fussy teapots, canaries, sachets, or doilies, but lots of other stuff had to either stay or go. Looking at the lime green gave Alma the willies. Her suggestion to slipcover it in a more subdued color had garnered Isabel's frosty stare, and Alma had dropped the matter. — Ed Lynskey

There were pecans, there were cashews and then there was just plain nuts. — Mary Hughes

You're like an oceanic Lassie." My grin twitched on my face, threatening to tumble over into laughter again. — Katherine McIntyre

[An example of misattribution:]

If you don't know the source of a quote,
you can always make it sound better by attributing it to me.

- Mark Twain — Jakub Marian

Just eat some chex mix and have a glass of milk and you'll be fine. — Caleb Eversole

You can't lead when you have not been loaded with the skills of immagination. — Oladosu Feyikogbon

That's No'-as-big-as-Medium-Sized-Jock-but-bigger-than-Wee-Jock-Jock, mistress,' said Not-as-big-as-Medium-Sized-Jock-but-bigger-than-Wee-Jock-Jock. 'Ye were one jock short,' he added helpfully. — Terry Pratchett

Every quote is like a Picasso. The meaning is different for each person and half the admirers miss the true intent and twisted humor of it all. — Shannon L. Alder

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote. — Steven Wright

I know the power of speech. I don't talk much. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Play and be happy. — Lailah Gifty Akita

I'm transferring Ian down to New Orleans to assist with this," Arch said as he looked at both men. "I would send Shayne, but Anna won't let him go anywhere without her. They're still in the honeymoon phase." He made a quote motion with his fingers.
Peter and Vincent exchanged horrified looks, before Peter responded. "Please, don't put us through that torture. — Rose Wynters

I know what ails you. — Tom Lucas

Fuck you!" "Right here?" He crossed his arms. "That definitely wouldn't help your getting over me. — Stacey Marie Brown

There is a great need for a sarcasm font. — Darynda Jones

The desert is an unpredictable place. One day you're sweating, the next you're freezing. One moment the air is damp and cloudy like when the tide is coming in, the next the entire world is orange and dusty. The desert must be a woman. — Dianna Skowera

I am your sire. I am to guide you through your first days as a vampire. Your first feeding is a rite of passage, a sacrament. It will not be wasted on some hormone-driven frenzy. This is why I wanted you to feed from me."
"I will not drink it in a house, I will not drink it with a mouse. I will not drink it here or there, I will not drink it anywhere," I wheezed, hoping I was able to communicate adequate sarcasm through the crippling belly cramps.
"Did you just quote Green Eggs and Ham? — Molly Harper

I hate when I'm not done with my cup but my mom decides to put it in the dishwasher anyway and the cup isn't dishwasher safe. I keep telling my mom that my origami coffee mugs are hand wash ONLY. Handshakes are also hand wash only.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz — Karen Quan

I guess it's worth a shot. More than likely a wasted bullet, but I'll fire anyway. — Brandy Nacole

I can't say for sure if I'm better off, since I have no way of knowing what would have been. I could have traveled to exotic places and kissed exotic men in the moonlight. Or I could have ended living alone in a dumpy apartment with the flesh eating virus I contracted from a public toilet. Could haves are always a great unknown. — Anna White

After consciously enduring a twelve-inch knitting needle navigated into the unseen recesses of my pelvis and almost passing out at the sensation of my hip inflating with fluid and somehow clinging to my sanity through the hour-long, migraine-inducing blare of the imaging contraption, which resembled a compact wind tunnel, possessed the amplification capability of a Marshall stack, and pushed my patience beyond the limits of superhuman endurance, I was
informed by my orthopedist that the image of my still-smoldering hip had revealed, and I quote, "just a little inflammation." In the world of orthopedic medicine, "a little inflammation" apparently qualifies as sound diagnosis. — Daniel Stern

I mean, I can understand not being as pricey as Percy or Jason, maybe ... but am I worth, like, two Franks, or three Franks? — Rick Riordan

I'll take risk on what I do on my life . Just mind your own business . — Azlnrdzi

What is a quote? A quote (cognate with quota) is a cut, a section, a slice of someone's orange. You suck the slice, toss the rind, skate away. — Anne Carson

But it is infamous that they have not told you!' declared Eustacie. 'Je n'en reviendrai jamais!'
'If it's all the same to you, miss, I'd just as soon you'd talk in a Christian language,' said Mr. Stubbs. — Georgette Heyer

I've been in prison, you see. Only three weeks, and only on remand,but when you've had to play chess twice a day with a monosyllabic West Ham supporter, who has 'HATE' tattooed on one hand, and 'HATE' on the other - using a set missing six pawns, all the rooks and two of the bishops - you find yourself cherishing little things in life. Like not being in prison. — Hugh Laurie

Fate's got a fucking sick sense of humor. Fate is a shape-shifter. It's the kindest and most generous entity imaginable, laying out more goodness than a person deserves, and then it shrinks and curls and forms into something grotesque. You think its one thing, but then its another. — Deb Caletti

I happen to be immature, undisciplined, and self-centered, pretty much a little boy in a man's body, although I'd appreciate it if you didn't quote me on that.
-Bobby Tom — Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Nothing makes sense, not that much of the world ever did."
Quote from the book: "UnHoly Pursuit: The Devil on My Trail. — A. White

Could the two people who are making out please be quiet?" the Colonel asked loudly from his sleeping bag. "Those of us who are not making out are drunk and tired. — John Green

In the interests of friendship, I hope you'll forgive me what I'm about to do."
"Forgive you wha - "
My sentence was cut off as he clamped his mouth over mine, kissing me deeply.

...

"Ready to make a scene?"
He raised an eyebrow. "Do I have a choice?"
"Not really. To quote something someone said to me recently, in the interests of friendship, I hope you'll forgive what I'm about to do." I drew back my hand and slapped him across the face. The smack of flesh striking flesh echoed through the hall. Conversations stopped as people whipped around to stare at us. Raising my voice to something just below a shout, I snarled, "You asshole! — Seanan McGuire

That is when you know you have reached the point of no return, when you began to stalk a ghost. — S.R. Gibbs

Sometimes the only way to succeed is to fail backwards — Benny Bellamacina

Instead of playing Draw Something, fucking draw something — Nick Offerman

You put cow dung on my face?' 'Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear? — Renita D'Silva

A painting is worth a thousand confused art-gallery visitors. — Ljupka Cvetanova

In true Bastien form - and keeping in mind that he's only seven at the time - he yanks off his helmet, throws his backpack down, and lies on the ground, using the helmet for a pillow, and says to them, and I quote verbatim, 'Later, bitches. I'm done for the day. Y'all can carry me home or call for a lift. Either way, I ain't moving from here. My ass is too precious for this abuse. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Was Charles I too stubborn to listen to reason? Could Civil War have been averted if the king had been more willing to negotiate? His great enemy Cromwell always maintained that the king had been swayed at the last moment by his queen, the beautiful Henrietta Maria. We can believe Cromwell's claim that the queen told her husband to be firm. But the wicked, spiteful, altogether irresistable quote often attributed to her by Puritan writers of the time is almost certainly false.
Oh my love, if you cannot remain firm in the bedchamber, at least try to remain firm with your subjects! — Antonia Fraser

His boat sank. They were all on his side. — Ljupka Cvetanova

At a certain age almost all the questions a person asks him or herself are really just about one thing: how should you live your life? — Fredrik Backman

When you can't handle the heady concoction of wine and women, it's time to pack up your bags and quit. — Anurag Shourie

Welhewan is charming us,' Sasha says in an unsure voice. 'It is trying to soothe us with its lullaby. Do not let yourself . . . Oh, a butterfly. Look how beautiful it is! No, don't look. The forest is making us happy, and we cannot let it. — Sarah Dalton

You're tougher than you think, or we wouldn't be such great friends. You need to snap out of it, Will." She snaps her fingers. "You, me - we don't belong here in your head."
"My head?"
"Ask yourself why you'd have me here, besides the fact that I'm awesome. I do what?" Her eyebrow raises.
I search and say the natural response: "Tell it like it is?"
She nods.
Ding ding ding. I'm winning the fair prize if I can just complete the puzzle. — Mira Monroe

Whatever the unknown in Europe, it had to be better than the known in a small town, where truth was hidden behind smiles, pleasantries, and an abundance of stretch lace at weddings. Whatever, the yet-to-be-written truth about her own life, it seemed certain to be waiting elsewhere on a blank page, somewhere people made no attempt to predict the future based upon a person's past.
Quote from: A Summer Abroad, Mrs. Duchesney's First Real Mystery
c. 2013 Peggy Kopman-Owens — Peggy Kopman-Owens

I just found out I have an IQ of 208, and I don't know what that means. — Steven Wright

Never let anyone use your toothbrush or your pen. -Author Wllm Worth — Wllm Worth

This is what my girlfriend would look like without skin. — David Bischoff

We all know I'm marrying you, as soon as you get over your thing with dog tags and realize a stethoscope is way sexier, anyway. - Tanner — Kandi Steiner

I was incapable of producing
anything coherent at the moment so
rather than throwing out some witty
banter in response I said something like
"Ohgaahaad" instead. Feel free to quote
me. — N.M. Silber

Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. "I have to go."

"You just got here."

"Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress."

"You're making that up."

"I'm not."

"So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis? — Rick Riordan

We can't predict what's going to happen, but having love is worth the risk. — Nina Crespo

I believe it was Gayelord Hauser, the nutritionist, who said, 'You are what you eat,' but if you happen to be an intellectual, you are what you quote. — Joseph Epstein