Plant Humor Quotes & Sayings

A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot. — Brian P. Cleary

If you invited a hedge wizard to a party, he would spend half the evening talking to your potted plant. And he would spend the other half listening. — Terry Pratchett

An optimist is a man who plant two acorns and buy a hammock. — Jean De Lattre De Tassigny

Unfortunately, the eternality of the "in-love" experience is fiction, not fact. The late psychologist Dr. Dorothy Tennov conducted long-range studies on the in-love phenomenon. After studying scores of couples, she concluded that the average life span of a romantic obsession is two years. If it is a secretive love affair, it may last a little longer. Eventually, however, we all descend from the clouds and plant our feet on earth again. Our eyes are opened, and we see the warts of the other person. Her endearing "quirks" are now merely annoying. His sharp sense of humor now wounds. Those little bumps we overlooked when we were in love now become huge mountains. — Gary Chapman

They've drunk everything in the house, including a pitcher of African violet plant food I'd just mixed up and was stupid enough to leave on the counter."
Tremaine punched Eddie in the shoulder. "I told you it tasted weird."
Eddie shrugged. "Tasted okay to me. — Susan Elizabeth Phillips

A daffodil bulb will divide and redivide endlessly. That's why, like the peony, it is one of the few flowers you can find around abandoned farmhouses, still blooming and increasing in numbers fifty years after the farmer and his wife have moved to heaven, or the other place, Boca Raton. If you dig up a clump when no one is nearby and there is no danger of being shot, you'll find that there are scores of little bulbs in each clump, the progeny of a dozen or so planted by the farmer's wife in 1942. If you take these home, separate them, and plant them in your own yard, within a couple of years, you'll have a hundred daffodils for the mere price of a trespassing fine or imprisonment or both. I had this adventure once, and I consider it one of the great cheap thrills of my gardening career. I am not advocating trespassing, especially on my property, but there is no law against having a shovel in the trunk of your car. — Cassandra Danz

Without warning, he sprawled forward, doing a face-plant in the snow.
At first, we laughed and teased. the normally surefooted Kerrick brushed snow off his cape, grumbling good-naturedly. — Maria V. Snyder

The farm god rolled his eyes. He pointed at the corn plant, and BAM! Nico di Angelo appeared in an exposion of corn silk. Nico looked around in panic. I-I had the weirdest nightmare about popcorn. — Rick Riordan

People in trailers were canned and labeled much like the apple juice down at the plant, stamped with ingredients for all the world to see: chicken fried steak, overcooked vegetables, no working knowledge of any major Italian movie directors
the list went on and on. — David Sedaris

Let me ask you a question Alex. What do you think is the greatest evil on this plant today?"
"Is that including, or not including you? — Anthony Horowitz

Live like a man, fuck like an animal and die like a plant. — Claire Amber

Have you been walking in the woods in the last few days?" Matt asked.
Lola cleared her throat anxiously. What had she managed to do now, catch jungle fever? "We went hiking in the Greenhills on Wednesday. What's wrong?" Her voice sounded squeaky, so she closed her eyes and took a steadying breath.
"I don't suppose you've heard of poison ivy," Matt asked. He traced the curve of her knee, pushing the hem of her skirt up her thigh. "Small plant, three leaves, glossy green. Causes a rash of small bumps about a day after contact. Sound familiar? — Bonnie J. James

I plant daffodil bulbs about eight inches deep. As I mentioned before, I don't use a ruler. As a married woman, I know perfectly well what six or eight inches looks like, so it's easy to make a good estimate. This mental measurement makes planting time much more interesting than it might be otherwise. — Cassandra Danz

Humor has a way of bringing people together. It unites people. In fact, I'm rather serious when I suggest that someone should plant a few whoopee cushions in the United Nations. — Ron Dentinger

Shamus shrugged. "It's all about energy exchange. It could always go the other way, me feeding a plant instead of drawing the life out of it."
"Do that often?"
Shamus looked at me over his shoulder. "No."
"Why not? Have something against plants?"
"No, but I haven't met a vegetable good enough to sacrifice a year of my life for. — Devon Monk

For Arthur, who could usually contrive to feel self-conscious if left alone for long enough with a Swiss cheese plant, the moment was one of sustained revelation. — Douglas Adams

They desecrate Riora's sacred temple! She will be enraged."
"Oh, gods, look at the marble. We are all beyond doomed."
"Somebody put a plant in front of it! — Kresley Cole

Bex ... why did you buy an inflatable canoe?'
'It's for you to lie on. Or something.'
'And a watering can?'
'I couldn't find a plant spray.'Breathlessly I start shoving bags into the taxi.
'But why do I need a plant spray?'
'Look,it wasn't my idea, OK?' I say defensively. — Sophie Kinsella

Oh, I'm so glad we know what it's called, that's a great help, snarled Ron, leaning back, trying to stop the plant from curling around his neck. — J.K. Rowling

Carved above the lintel were the words SCIENTIA POTESTAS EST. Science points east, I wondered? Science is portentous, yes? Science protests too much. Scientific potatoes rule. Had I stumbled on the lair of dangerous plant geneticists? — Ben Aaronovitch

If I was in deep shit with Lilian before, I was snorkeling at the waste treatment plant now. — C.I. Dennis

Mmm." Sebastian moaned. "It's so delicious." He laughed then. "It's not the Poisonous Desert; it's the Oreo Desert." He scooped up handfuls of dirt and stones and funneled it into his mouth. He licked his palms, his teeth grinding against rock.
"Did the plant scramble his brains?" Firen asked, her lips twitching just a smidgen.
"The plant's poison makes you delusional," Gabriella informed as Egnatious and Firen yanked Sebastian to his feet. "He'll probably be a bit Looneyville for a while. — Laura Kreitzer

And I'm leaving you that plant," he lamented. "You are good with plants, aren't you?"
Great, I lied. (I could make the Congo wither and die...) — Wilton Barnhardt

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. — Frank Lloyd Wright

We have nothing to fear but fear itself," Otto replied. "Oh, and a megalomaniacal headmaster, the world's deadliets assassin, giant mutated plant monsters, an international cartel of supervillains, and the security forces of every country on earth, but other than that ... just fear. — Mark Walden

Life is a beautiful thing. Plant it in the ground, and it blooms into opportunity, capice? — Gasmaskman

If your IQ was one point lower, you'd be a plant,' was Steve's only comment. — Robert Ludlum

Ceres wanted a united front in the plant war."
"The plant war," Percy said. "You're going to arm all the little grapes with tiny assault rifles? — Rick Riordan

Bringing a pot plant to the office, I believe, is a sign of quite serious commitment. — Danielle Wood

[The cats] scamper in front of my legs, causing me to fall and face plant into whatever furniture is closest. They especially like to play this game when I'm carrying piping hot coffee. — Wes Locher

A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!" — Mitch Hedberg

Oh fuck, he was right there. I was wet as hell and he could probably smell me now. I should have eaten strawberries or melon or a dozen roses or an entire mint plant. Did that work for women? I read an article that it worked for men. Their spunk tasted like what they ate. Did my vagina taste like spaghetti right now? God dammit! I shouldn't have eaten dinner! — Tara Sivec

Humor must be one of the chief attributes of God. Plants and animals that are distinctly humorous in form and characteristics are God's jokes. — Mark Twain