Pilkington Karl Quotes & Sayings

It's just hassle of having friends and family an' that. — Karl Pilkington

It's easier to have a go at something again when you failed at it as you've got nowt to lose. — Karl Pilkington

The only memory I have was how the wrestler's balls that were thrust into my face left a saltiness on my lips. At first I assumed it was from the tacos, and then I realised I'd not eaten any today. I — Karl Pilkington

They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else drown it out at the time? — Karl Pilkington

Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? — Karl Pilkington

I don't want to go about offending people; that's not my plan. — Karl Pilkington

I'm not invited to any exciting parties and my life hasn't really changed. — Karl Pilkington

I told her that I can't be doing with the Wonder part of these trips, but she said it should be the icing on the cake ... I've never liked wedding cake due to the amount of icing, but then imagine a wedding cake without it; just a dark, stodgy, horrible dry sponge. The icing covers up the mess, and that's how I feel about most of the Wonders. They use them to get people to visit a place that you probably wouldn't think about visiting. — Karl Pilkington

Had a wee in the Amazon. Until Richard told me I should be careful because there are some tiny fish that can swim up from the water through my urine and into my knob! Is that how amazing the Amazon is? The fish in there would really rather live in my knob than the river. — Karl Pilkington

Honestly, all the trouble Noah went to saving the animals two by two and now we're making handbags out of them. I — Karl Pilkington

It's 2006, why are they still using the index finger? — Karl Pilkington

When I go on holiday and people ask me what I do, I tell them I do some internet stuff and I've done a couple of books and I hope they just leave it at that. — Karl Pilkington

I think it's clever how Rome have kept a load of old stuff. There's no overheads, yet people are going over there to see it. — Karl Pilkington

The great pyramid is overrated. It's a bad design. The lounge is going to be huge, but the bedroom is going to be tiny. — Karl Pilkington

It wouldn't happen ... There hasn't been one publication by a monkey — Karl Pilkington

I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us another book — Karl Pilkington

A block of blood should not have the word "cake" after it ... they might as well say "shite gateau — Karl Pilkington

Treat the world like a head. — Karl Pilkington

I love nature - it's probably my most favorite thing. I don't watch much telly, the telly hardly goes on, but the things I do watch are sort of nature programs, and something about the oceans and the amount of weird fish that's in there. — Karl Pilkington

We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. That's evidence. You can't argue with that. — Karl Pilkington

Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. [ ... ] I'd seen footage of Gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it was because he was very popular, but now I wonder if it was just because he had a camera crew with him. — Karl Pilkington

But I'm not an idiot. At the end of the day, I've learned a lot. — Karl Pilkington

And we've got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding. — Karl Pilkington

Avocados, it's a food that ain't worth injuring yourself for. If it's a hassle to get into, leave it to the experts. — Karl Pilkington

Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder? — Karl Pilkington

They've found this spider, in the jungle. Three foot long, it eats chicken. Bit weird, innit. People moan saying that you shouldn't lock animals up and all the rest of it, but to be honest I wish it was locked up. The idea that it's roaming in a jungle ... get it locked up. — Karl Pilkington

There's a lot of idiots in the world, so live with it. — Karl Pilkington

If you don't have a plan, you can end up doing some interesting things. — Karl Pilkington

I don't really go out at night in terms of noisy, busy places; I prefer more of a quiet corner somewhere. — Karl Pilkington

At what point is a wasp ever going to have a chat with a spider? — Karl Pilkington

Kids are like farts in that way. They never seem to bother the owner as much as they bother everyone else. — Karl Pilkington

I thought the fart was a human thing. It's something to do with like, arse cheeks, or whatever. — Karl Pilkington

I was impressed by the Taj Mahal. A good bit of work, well looked after, worth paying money to see. — Karl Pilkington

I drive a car, like an adult. Not brilliantly. I'm not great. — Karl Pilkington

I know when I was a kid I ate a beetle. I ate a beetle because I thought it was licorice. — Karl Pilkington

I think people would live a bit longer if they didn't know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things. — Karl Pilkington

With acting, I didn't get much from it. — Karl Pilkington

Fishing: I don't really like it. I don't really like the expression on the fish's face. — Karl Pilkington

There was always something. It's like with this one, there's always something that's mad that I look back on it and go, that's pretty amazing to say that I've done that or been there. — Karl Pilkington

Blind people can stay up longer than someone with eyes. — Karl Pilkington

Being honest with you, it's not the 'great' wall of China. It's an all right wall. It's the 'All Right Wall of China.' — Karl Pilkington

I was still using my eyes even though I had them shut — Karl Pilkington

A slug is always on its own. It is a lonely insect. — Karl Pilkington

I'd rather live in a cave with a view of a palace than live in a palace with a view of a cave. — Karl Pilkington

A while back I heard bears have to stick leaves up their arse to stop ants crawling up there and biting them! I know the world is getting overpopulated but it isn't that crowded that things have to live up an arse. No wonder Paddington Bear left Peru for London. When you've got bears wanting to leave the country it makes me wonder what I'm doing here. — Karl Pilkington

Luke mentioned that a lot of people go to the Kumbh Mela festival to 'find themselves'. That's a saying I've never understood. If I did want to find myself, I don't think I'd find me at a festival with 20 million other people. I hate crowds. The — Karl Pilkington

The only reason you don't go on holiday, is 'cause you have to spend money. — Karl Pilkington

Whether it's a relationship or a toaster that's broken, they just replace it. You're bound to fall out and have arguments and you should work at getting the relationship back together, but nobody wants to any more. — Karl Pilkington

I think it's a problem when something's a dream because it'll never live up to your expectations. It's better to go somewhere thinking it'll be horrible, and then be pleasantly surprised. — Karl Pilkington

Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain't been back. It can't have been that good. — Karl Pilkington

Your dreams should never be better than your real life — Karl Pilkington

If you can't do it, don't do it. — Karl Pilkington

That's the problem with having a bald head. It exaggerates the shape. — Karl Pilkington

I'm a bit rubbish at knowing when something is good. But if it goes out and I can say, "I wasn't as bad as I thought I would be", then I'll be happy. Until then, I'll be thinking, "I shouldn't be here!" — Karl Pilkington

Well ... like, when you're born, you're a little baby, you're wrinkly and stuff, when you get older you sort of morph into a baby again ... — Karl Pilkington

I've been on the planet for 40 years now, and I'm still none the wiser as to what it's all about really. I've never worried about life's big questions. People at my age sit about pondering about 'why are we here?' The only time I ever asked meself that is when Suzanne booked us a surprise holiday to Lanzarote. — Karl Pilkington

[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful. — Karl Pilkington

I've got loads of nieces and nephews. — Karl Pilkington

I had a coconut on the way, which was another first for me. A drink and food all in one. It didn't look like the normal coconuts you win at fairgrounds. There was no hair on it. I don't know if that's how they grow here or if it's that Brazilians hate hair on anything and they've waxed them. — Karl Pilkington

If Camels are the ship of the dessert, this one is the Titanic — Karl Pilkington

Making the 'An Idiot Abroad' series, I was really dreading going to India; I thought I'd hate it. It was a nightmare, and I was really ill - just like everyone says. — Karl Pilkington

We should all love animals. — Karl Pilkington

The reason there are so many gyms in London is because the amount of gay people who are here now. — Karl Pilkington

We'll all die out eventually. Humans will be gone. And all I'm saying is, when people worry about polar bears disappearing or whatever, it's like, 'Well that's life, things will come and go, we'll find new species.' — Karl Pilkington

I've never worried about life's big questions. — Karl Pilkington

Every step starts with a step. — Karl Pilkington

The Tudors, I don't even know if I had a family back then. — Karl Pilkington

We seem to live in a world where you have to walk around grinning like a loon. I can't understand all the fuss about Mona Lisa painting, everyone wondering why she's not smiling, if she's depressed or heartbroken. No, she was just normal!
Emotions are always extreme these days: you either have to be crying with laughter or crying in pain. No wonder water levels are rising. It's not global warming, it's all the tears from crying. — Karl Pilkington

To me, a cat is an easy pet, they don't need any spoiling or looking after. — Karl Pilkington

I don't know what the future is, but you just do it whilst it's there, don't you? — Karl Pilkington

I've tried counting sheep like everyone recommends, but what tends to happen is that my brain thinks it's seen the same sheep twice and that messes up my count, and when I think there's no more sheep to count, another three will come running along and startle me. Or just as I think I've finished counting, an elephant comes running in. By this point I'm wide awake. — Karl Pilkington

Everyone is living for everyone else now. They're doing stuff so they can tell other people about it. I don't get all that social media stuff, I've always got other things I want to do - odd jobs around the house. No one wants to hear about that. — Karl Pilkington

If an animal is named after what it eats, how interesting is it? — Karl Pilkington

A slug is always on its own. It's a lonely insect. — Karl Pilkington

I've done some luxury flying, which is brilliant. It has only happened once or twice, but it was nice because flying is the worst part of the holiday. But then again, if the plane crashes, you're still dead. For that much money I'd want a little capsule that whizzed me off to safety if it was going to crash. — Karl Pilkington

Well I'm trying to think what I put in ... I think I put in 'why?' to see if I'd confuse the computer. — Karl Pilkington

People moan about drugs being tested on animals. I sort of think it depends innit. If the drug's aspirin and the monkey's got a headache, is it right? — Karl Pilkington

I had a bad experience doing public speaking at school. I had to talk about a pen for five minutes and it was really hard work. I couldn't wait to get off the stage. — Karl Pilkington

Parrots have gone a bit quiet since pirates have gone. — Karl Pilkington

Pigeons: They've got wings, but they walk a lot ... — Karl Pilkington

One of my wisdom teeth is playing up. My dentist said it is known to happen with some people when they're stressed. My teeth seem to know I'm stressed before I do. Maybe that's why they're called wisdom teeth. — Karl Pilkington

Knowledge is annoying — Karl Pilkington

A single vision is more perfect than a committee vision because with everyone having their say, it becomes compromised. — Karl Pilkington

I found that being with happy positive people annoys me. — Karl Pilkington

They're limited edition,' she said. 'Listen,' I said 'they're not limited enough. These shouldn't have been made at all. — Karl Pilkington

My mam told me not to tell many people about not being christened, as she said I would be a prime target for witches. To this day I don't know what she meant by that. — Karl Pilkington

We all just want to sit on our ass. — Karl Pilkington

Could the world fall? — Karl Pilkington

If you go away with, you know, a girlfriend, wife, whatever, you have an argument on holiday because you're not used to spending that much time with people. — Karl Pilkington

I'm useless in water. I wake up at night drowning in my own saliva. — Karl Pilkington

If you're not happy looking a knob in the face, there's something wrong. — Karl Pilkington

Cat food. It stinks a bit, but if you don't put up with the smell, the little kitten will die. — Karl Pilkington

At some point, some insect has had sex with a leaf. — Karl Pilkington

For me, a good holiday is about value for money rather than things to see. — Karl Pilkington

This is the problem with over-crowded inner-city schools there aren't enough parts for everyone in the nativity story. — Karl Pilkington

I came up with a good idea ... see-through skin. — Karl Pilkington

I've never won many awards, I didn't get certificates for swimming or anything. — Karl Pilkington

I came face-to-face with a gorilla which was quite good, but it was a 10-hour trek in bad weather, up hills, covered in mud, with mosquitoes everywhere and when we got there the gorilla's just sat there doing nowt. — Karl Pilkington

Normally you can't hear you're own voice because you're talking over it. — Karl Pilkington

You don't get anything done by planning — Karl Pilkington