Pet Humor Quotes & Sayings

Don't give me that look," I told the cat. "You've caught one mouse since you've been here. And what do you get in return? Food, shelter, and a human servant to clean up your shit. You didn't even warn me when someone was at the door."
"Because his sixth sense tells him I can be trusted."
"Then his sixth sense is broken. — Kelley Armstrong

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is." — Tim Vine

Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it. — Amy Sedaris

I sheep's idea of bravery : To become a wolf's pet. — Ljupka Cvetanova

Did he eat the other cats at the pet shop? He's huge! — Yori

Jace shook his blond head in exasperation.
You had to make a crazy jail friend, didn't you? You couldn't just count ceiling tiles or tame a pet mouse like normal prisoners do? — Cassandra Clare

Wow. Who would want a fish for a pet when they could have a turtle?! — Christopher Paul Curtis

They marched back to the kitchen in silence, the only sound being Rufus's growl when Dunford tried to pet him.
"Can a rabbit growl?" he asked, unable to believe his ears.
"Obviously he can. — Julia Quinn

Pet peeves should be kept on a leash. — Daniel Thompson

Humor and laughter - not necessarily derogatory derision - are my pet tools. This may come from my general philosophy of never taking the world too seriously - for fear of dying of boredom. — Marcel Duchamp

The Nazis have no sense of humor, so why should they want television? Anyhow, they killed most of the really great comedians. Because most of them were Jewish. In fact, she realized, they killed off most of the entertainment field. I wonder how Hope gets away with what he says. Of course, he has to broadcast from Canada. And it's a little freer up there. But Hope really says things. Like the joke about Goring . . . the one where Goring buys Rome and has it shipped to his mountain retreat and then set up again. And revives Christianity so his pet lions will have something to - — Philip K. Dick

Conscience is like a pet: If you spoil it by too much attention it'll start yipping at the most inopportune times. — Connie Brockway

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot! — Henny Youngman

We get a lot of calls where the person is murdered at home, but is not found for a period of time. And so the animals have already started to take the body apart because they haven't been fed in that period. So your evidence is being chewed up by the family pet.
I tell you - Dogs are more loyal than cats. Cats will wait only a certain period of time and they'll start chewing on you. Dogs will wait a day or two before they just can't take the starving anymore. So, keep that in mind when choosing a pet.
You know how a cat just stares at you, maybe at the top of the TV, from across the room? That's because they're watching to see if you're gonna stop breathing. — Connie Fletcher

Now chin up," Puss said, moving Mark's chin upwards. "Did you hear me? My plan? Your future wife?"
"I'll have a wife?" Mark said, still in a daze.
"Details, details. You'll have a girlfriend, I suppose," Puss sighed. "Then she'll become your wife. And out of your gratitude, you will find me a lifelong companion from the pet store ... "
Mark laid his head back and let out a stream of air. "I'm going to have a wife. And my cat can talk. My cat is a matchmaker. — Zechariah Barrett

They were really getting quite fond of their strange pet and hoped that Aslan would allow them to keep it. The cleverer ones were quite sure by now that at least some of the noises which came out of his mouth had a meaning. They christened him Brandy because he made that noise so often. — C.S. Lewis

Look, cat, you and I are never going to be friends. She's going to
call you Max, but I'm going to call you Shit Head. And if you think for
one second - " The cat lies down in a tight little ball of nastiness and
falls asleep. "Oh, please. Make yourself at home by sleeping on my
scrotum." I peek out into the sitting room area that connects to the
four bedrooms, and then glance back at the kitten. Releasing a sigh of
discontent, I pet Shit Head with one finger. He purrs extra hard, and
I find myself wondering if I could train him to do things. Every hero
needs a sidekick, and I'm nothing if not a Grade-A Hero.
- Dante Walker — Victoria Scott

How could you leave me behind to explode?"
"Er," Alice said, "I'm not sure how to--"
"Oh--you have a clockwork cat. This is very nice. I will forgive you if I may pet the cat. — Steven Harper Piziks

At the pet store he picked out two painted turtles, each about as big around as a mayonnaise-jar lid. He bought them a large kidney shaped dish that had its own little island, a plastic palm tree, some aquatic plants, and a snail. The snail, presumably, to bolster the self-esteem of the turtles: "You think we're slow? Look at that guy." To store up the snail's morale in the same way, there was a rock. — Christopher Moore

Okay, go hang up your kitty pictures and pet your car. — Abigail Roux

The newest animal Route 5 had used up, it seemed, was my daughter's beloved pet. We buried Smucky in the pet sematary. My daughter made the grave marker, which read Smucky: He was obediant. (Smucky wasn't in the least obedient, of course; he was a cat, for heaven's sake.) — Stephen King

There also wasn't one single bit of grass or dirt outside the airport. Even the median strip was a concrete sidewalk. Where did Atlanta's pet travelers pee? Maybe city dogs just learned to use the sidewalk. We kept walking. It looked like if we crossed the road that all the cars used to get onto the highway, we might come to a planted-up area, but we also might get killed.
Finally, I just lifted Cannoli up and plopped her down on a great big ashtray built into the top of the trash barrel. "Good thing you're not a German shepherd," I said. — Claire Cook

Speaking of the devil, what is Alma doing right now?"

"Well..." Sitting in her favorite armchair, Isabel craned her neck around to peer down the hallway to where she saw Alma squealing and clapping hands at their pet beagle Petey Sampson. With his tail wagging, he woof-woofed at her, and she woof-woofed right back at him. — Ed Lynskey

My family's tradition of 'matching-matching' names is so obsessive, it's against the order of nature. When my uncles Anil and Anant married, they took advantage of a heinous custom in Marathi weddings. After the pheras, a dish of uncooked rice is placed before the newlyweds, and whatever name the husband chooses to write in the rice becomes the new name of his wife.
Because marriage in our culture is akin to buying a puppy at a pet shop and saying, 'I am your new owner, and I shall call you Flu y.'
So Anil Adarkar brought home Asha Adarkar (nee Kiran), and Anant Adarkar brought home Anita Adarkar (nee Geeta). And to complete this picture of divine perfection they named their children Aniket, and Ashwini and Ashleysha, respectively. — Nikita Deshpande

Now the Gang of McCrook was a miserable mob,
for whom robbing you blind was an everyday job.

They were known for their violence and criminal feats,
for a seedy selection of sinful deceits
from robbery, arson, and pyramid schemes,
to snatching the mascots from basketball teams.

They had once robbed a pet shop of all of its cash,
and they never - not ever - recycled their trash! — Robert Paul Weston

Wasn't allowed to have pets. I killed my pet cockroach when it crawled into my ear. — Katherine McIntyre

Alexis grabbed his arm. "Tom Jones? Wow, I totally love Tom Jones. He's like quintessential Vegas - over the top and indecent fun. Let me just go grab a pair of underwear to throw at him and we'll be all set."
Over his undead body. If anyone was getting her underwear tossed in his face, it was going to be him.
"I don't think so, Ball Buster. You're not giving your panties to an old man."
"Oh, and you're so young, Garlic?"
"Garlic?" What the hell was that?
"Yep. Now we have pet names for each other, isn't that adorable? You're Garlic and I'm Ball Buster. Now everyone will believe we're a real couple. — Erin McCarthy

In the comfort of his embrace I lifted my mouth to his and initiated a kiss. Although calling it a kiss was like calling tyrannosaurus rex a small pet. — Blakely Bennett

In the deepest, darkest depths of her heart where she kept all her dreams locked up in a pink journal decorated with ponies and unicorns, she'd fantasized about declaring her love for Sasha Karimi for two years. In those scenarios, he generally fell to his knees in thrilled delight before he reciprocated the feelings and then they got married and had lots of babies and maybe a pet iguana and lived happily ever after. — Alisha Rai

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop? — Henny Youngman

Hell's bells. I don't call him the Fist of God as a pet name, folks. — Jim Butcher

Garrick was panting when he replied, "You're not forcing me to do anything. I just want you to be sure. You can say stop at anytime." His lips pulled wide. "You don't need to make up a new pet. — Cora Carmack

One: Don't play leapfrog with elephants.
Two: Don't pet a tiger unless his tail is wagging.
Three: Never, ever, mess with the Ladies Auxiliary.
-Mayberry Rules for a Long, Happy Life — Lauren Myracle

May the IRS find that you deduct your pet sheep as an entertainment expense. — Christopher Moore

Wherever he found his speech growing too modern
which was about every sentence or two
he ladled in a few such Scriptural phrases as "exceeding sore," "and it came to pass," etc., and made things satisfactory again. "And it came to pass" was his pet. If he had left that out, his Bible would have been only a pamphlet. — Mark Twain

She's a mixed-breed and not the least bit aggressive.
She decided long ago she wanted to be a pet dog, not a guard dog. I think that's another reason why that man wanted to get rid of her. I've never understood all this fascination with aggressiveness. It's like an epidemic. People don't just want aggressive dogs, they want to be aggressive themselves. — Sonal Panse

I asked this heroic pet lover how it felt to have died for a schnauzer named Teddy. Salvador Biagiani was philosophical. He said it sure beat dying for absolutely nothing in the Viet Nam War. — Kurt Vonnegut

My sister wanted a cat for a pet ... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark. — Chic Murray

What I knew for sure was that he had a quick temper, a cocky attitude, and a southern accent ... Apparently he also has a pet cougar. — Stacy Mantle

If you were crossing the road and saw a black cat passing, you may possibly get hit by a car, or a mail boy or the sky could rain in summer, possibly snow. Those were theories, none of them were true. It was like karma; it only happens to you if you believed in them. Myths, Cecilia called them. The guy looked frozen. This is silly, she thought. He could not be that affected by the cat. Cecilia had been working here for a year and she wasn't struck by lightning, she was alive, of course, nobody chose the cat so this is why she was the oldest pet in the store. — Basma Salem

Abyssinias
"I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: A huge four-footed limestone form
Sits in the desert, sinking in the sand.
Its whiskered face, though marred by wind and storm,
Still flaunts the dainty ears, the collar band
And feline traits the sculptor well portrayed:
The bearing of a born aristocrat,
The stubborn will no mortal can dissuade.
And on its base, in long-dead alphabets,
These words are set: "Reward for missing cat!
His name is Abyssinias, pet of pets;
I, Ozymandias, will a fortune pay
For his return. he heard me speak of vets
O foolish King! And so he ran away. — Henry N. Beard

Dennis looked at the puppy in the window. We both did. It was the oddest thing. Normally, puppies in pet store windows sleep or pee or roll around on top of other dogs. This one ignored us its window-mates and was instead sitting with its nose pressed against the glass, looking at us with an extremely serious little expression on its face. An expression that seemed to me to be saying, I am a sacred cow. Get out your wallet. — Augusten Burroughs

Rat #1 got you through the gates, didn't it?" said Anadil, stroking the still-pooped pet in her pocket. "Rat #2 gets you to the tower."
"And Rat #3 negotiates world peace? — Soman Chainani

Dog enough not to be human, human enough to be a pet — Rosemary J. Kind

For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it's funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I'd squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I'm now told that this is not called "going to sleep" but rather "passing out," a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment. — David Sedaris

This is the story of how I "came down with cat," even though I had decided I would never, ever, own any pet. — Nils Uddenberg

New Rule: If you're one of the one-in-three married women who say your pet is a better listener than your husband, you talk too much. And I have some bad news for you: Your dog's not listening, either; he's waiting for food to fall out of your mouth. — Bill Maher

I'm so good at my job the law thinks I'm three different hit men and a serial killer. I speak Russian and French, I never had a pet, and the reason why you hate my coffee is that it's decaf. — J. Fally

There was a long pause while she hated everyone impartially: Tor for behaving like a farmer's son whose pet chicken has just been insulted; her father, for being so immovably kingly; and Perlith for being Perlith. — Robin McKinley

Tanaquil gently toed the peeve. "I'll unfasten the window. Jump out to the lower roof and run."
"Stay and bite," said the peeve. — Tanith Lee

Sasha snorted. "I have never in my extremely long life seen anyone take so long to answer a question. It's like you went into your brain and got lost. you need a bread crumb, buddy?" He made a noise like he was calling his pet. "Here Lassie, here. Come back girl. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

I pulled my suitcase out of the backseat of my bug, along with Cannoli's new travel case, a spiffy animal print pet backpack on wheels. When I first saw it, I thought maybe the dog was supposed to wear the backpack, but it turned out the person wore the backpack with the dog in it. — Claire Cook

Leif stared at me, utterly still, the way only vampires and pet rocks can manage. — Kevin Hearne

Don't look at his groin. Don't look at his groin. Don't mention that he doesn't have a vagina, so 'we' is bullshit. This is not the time to mention your pet peeve about expectant fathers talking how 'we' are having a baby. Don't. Don't. — MaryJanice Davidson

Far below, I heard Cacus bellowing as millions, maybe even thousands of filthy gallons of water slammed into him. Meanwhile, Annabeth alternately shouted, gagged, hit me, called me endearing pet names like, "Idiot! Stupid
dirty
moron
" and topped it all off with "Kill you! — Rick Riordan

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars. — Steven Wright

It's a bit burned," my mother would say apologetically at every meal, presenting you with a piece of meat that looked like something - a much-loved pet perhaps - salvaged from a tragic house fire. "But I think I scraped off most of the burned part," she would add, overlooking that this included every bit of it that had once been flesh.
Happily, all this suited my father. His palate only responded to two tastes - burned and ice cream - so everything suited him so long as it was sufficiently dark and not too startlingly flavorful. Theirs truly was a marriage made in heaven, for no one could burn food like my mother or eat it like my dad. — Bill Bryson

Card five hundred and thirty-four," repeated Artemis. "Of a series of six hundred standard inkblot cards. I memorized them during our sessions. You don't even shuffle."
Argon checked the number on the back of the card: 534. Of course. "Knowing the number doesn't answer the question. What do you see?"
Artemis allowed his lip to wobble. "I see an ax dripping with blood. Also a scared child, and an elf clothed in the skin of a troll."
"Really?" Argon was interested now.
"No. Not really. I see a secure building, perhaps a family home, with four windows. A trustworthy pet, and a pathway leading from the door into the distance. I think, if you check your manual, you will find that these answers fall inside healthy parameters."
Argon did not need to check. The Mud Boy was right, as usual. — Eoin Colfer

Valkyrie walked to the back door, which hadn't been closed properly, shut it and locked it. There was now a baby in the house, after all. She couldn't take the chance that a wild animal might wander in and make off with Alice, like those dingoes in Australia. She was probably being unfair to both dingoes and Australia, but she couldn't risk it. Locked doors kept the dingoes out, and that's all there was to it, even if she didn't know what a dingo actually was. She took out her phone, searched the Internet, found a picture of a baby dingo and now she really wanted a baby dingo for a pet. — Derek Landy

I think you need to give me a pet name - a term of endearment."
His face was its typical impassive mask, but I could tell that I'd surprised him.
Finally, he said, "Like ... babe?"
"No - that feels awkward and wrong and has undertones of pedophilia. I'm thinking of something more age appropriate, yet affectionate. — Penny Reid

Possibly, mrs. laird ... i'd say. except he's dead, you see. well, not completely dead. he's more of a resurrected god. he judges mortal spirits and feeds the hearts of the wicked to his pet monster.oh, and he has blue skin. i'm sure he'd make quite an impression on career day, for all those students aspiring to grow up and become ancient egyptian deities — Serpent's Shadow Rick Riordan

I love these pet names," she said, gazing soulfully up into his eyes, "Nitwit. Sap skull. Termagant. How they make my heart flutter! — Loretta Chase

I had a dream about you. You were so cute, and I was holding you for a long time. We went for a walk, happily strutting down the street. We saw a couple others but they weren't having as much fun as we were. We arrived back home and I gave you a kiss on the nose and a bone. — Ashley Kennett

Alma didn't want Isabel to start singing the praises of their pet, a rescue beagle, or she wouldn't shush until sundown.
"I've found the missing lady," Alma said. "Say welcome home, Betsy Sweet. — Ed Lynskey

It looks as if I was thinking what you were thinking."
"Actually, you weren't. I was really thinking I needed to ask you a question."
"What was that?"
"Do you think we should ask Goatee Guy how to find the caterer?" I smiled at him innocently as his eyebrows pratically met above his nose.
"I am never going to share my pet peeves with you again."
— Jennifer Rardin

That was pretty easy, and I wrote it while delousing my pet tapir. — Greg Gutfeld

It's nice to have a station pet. Wish it wasn't trapped in a hovering prison in the men's bathroom, but listen: no pet is perfect. It becomes perfect when you learn to accept it for what it is. — Cecil Baldwin

I don't think I've ever met a girl with a bazooka for a pet." Hunter looked both amazed and slightly frightened.
"That's Kitty," I said, pointing to the large weapon. "I got her for my tenth birthday. — Ada Adams

See?" I'd whispered to Bones, nudging him with a grin. "He never argues with her. Isn't that sweet?"
A snort preceded his response. "Keep dreaming, pet. — Jeaniene Frost

Rachel would call the vet this morning, they would get Church fixed, and that would put this whole nonsense of Pet Semataries(it was funny how that misspelling got into your head and began to seem right) and death fears behind them. — Stephen King

Besides my professional goals, I have a couple of private ones, my man. One of those is to pet a kangaroo before I leave Australia. I understand there's lots of Eastern Grays around this area. What do you say? Are you in?'
Bergman looked at him like he'd just made the worst financial investment of his life. 'Kangaroos are wild animals. I've heard they claw like girl fighters and kick like jackhammers. You're going to get your skull crushed.'
Cole held up a finger. 'Or I'm going to pet a kangaroo. How cool would that be? — Jennifer Rardin

I came to the table, pulled up a chair, and sat.
"Everyone brought a pet. I feel left out."
An enthusiastic howl broke the silence, and Grendel bounded through the doorway. He galloped through the steak house, skidded on the floor, smashed into my chair, and dropped a dead rat on my lap.
Awesome. — Ilona Andrews

You are pregnant, with child, in the family way. People, some of whom you hardly know, will begin to comment on your belly size. They might even give it a rub, like you have strapped an animal of some kind in your front side and given total strangers permission to pet you at their leisure. — Amy E. Spiegel

It's probably wrong to believe there can be any limit to the horror which the human mind can experience. On the contrary, it seems that some exponential effect begins to obtain as deeper and deeper darkness falls-as little as one may like to admit it, human experience tends, in a good many ways, to support the idea that when the nightmare grows black enough, horror spawns horror, one coincidental evil begets other, often more deliberate evils, until finally blackness seems to cover everything. And the most terrifying question of all may be just how much horror the human mind can stand and still maintain a wakeful, staring, unrelenting sanity. That such events have their own Rube Goldberg absurdity goes almost without saying. At some point, it all starts to become rather funny. That may be the point at which sanity begins either to save itself or to buckle and break down; that point at which one's sense of humor begins to reassert itself. — Stephen King

He's not a pet. He's an accident victim. — H.M. Ward

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday." — Steven Wright

Hmm ... now that I think about it, housecats are often coddled and petted. You don't pet me nearly enough. You must be a lax owner. How selfish of you to deprive your cat of attention. — Colleen Houck

One of my pet peeves is that sometimes the talents of my band get overlooked because, and it was the same problem that Frank Zappa had, with a lot of groups that use humor, people don't realize there's a lot of craft behind the comedy. — Al Yankovic