Paranormal Humor Quotes & Sayings

This first time , my Sprite friend went for help, then Aiden went all shifter Hulk version and Loki'd the feral's ass. Whap, whap — Alanea Alder

She walks a tightrope between psycho and smokin'. — Daniel Marks

So confusing. It was some kind of magic, I knew that for sure, but I didn't understand the subtleties of it all. You'd have thought all those years of HBO and shit would have prepared me better. — Red Tash

And you had to do that in a thunderstorm pissing down like a camel? — Poppet

How does one have a duel with a dragon? Well, since they live high up in the mountains, and getting all the way up there can be quite a nuisance indeed, one just has to ring the guest bell the dragons rather politely placed at the bottom many years ago when very incensed farmers kept appearing with complaints about their dwindling livestock. Dragons jokingly refer to it as "their dinner bell. — Sully Tarnish

They're so retarded they think stereotype means typing with both hands. — Poppet

"Alright, who's first?" Crystal asked once Carrie was in the chair that she had instructed her to sit in.
Everyone was quiet.
"Who wants to draw straws?" Matt asked. Carrie hadn't realized until this moment that the subtle smile on his face never faded. It was as though he found humor in everything that was going on.
Will slowly raised his hand, his other hand was left shoved in the pocket of his blue jeans, "I'll do it." — Julia Barkey

My instincts told me that death would somehow be ... different. But my rational mind reminded me that I had probably tempted fate one too many times. At least, I thought it was my rational mind. It sure seemed like the usual voice inside my head. Thank God there was only one of them. — M.A. George

I might be half Derek's size, but I was the one who sounded like a two-hundred-pound beast plowing through the woods. — Kelley Armstrong

This is the moment I have dreaded, the very reason why we kept running, even when it seemed hopeless. We all seemed to believe if we kept running, we would never die. But what exactly had we been hoping to find in the end? A magical place where the infection hadn't spread? A castle surrounded by gumdrops and cotton candy? — Jen Naumann

How do you poop? Where does it go? If you get more prestigious as you go down, aren't you shitting on the upper classes? — Alanea Alder

Demons were all about ego, which meant that most demons had some kind of title. I think it made them feel better about their tiny ... pitchforks. — E.J. Stevens

That's it? That's all that happens after you topple from grace? We lose our rubies and rations?" Marshall smirked. "Woe is me. — Sophie Avett

That was some branch. Did it have a vendetta against your t-shirt?"
"Guess so."
"I hope you showed it who is boss."
"Yeah, I peed on it. — Stacey Marie Brown

Adam mused, "Incorruptus. I never thought anyone would use that word to describe Lynch." Ronan looked as pleased as a pit viper ever could. — Maggie Stiefvater

Firen didn't waste any time setting up the meeting with Egnatious. The following day she was in such a rush to tell me about it that she burst into my room without knocking and found Andrew and me in an intimate and compromising position reminiscent of the game Twister. Also, I cannot confirm or deny if there was food involved. Let's just say I toppled over in embarrassment, taking Andrew down with me in a great heap. Firen didn't fare any better, as she nearly knocked herself out when she ran into the doorframe in an attempt to escape. We were both scarred for life, especially after Firen apologized for walking in on our "naked fun time," which was apparently what Joseph called it. There were some things people should never know, and that was one of them. — Laura Kreitzer

I'll email you, he says as if he's asking me into the cellar to taste his vintage champagne. — Poppet

It felt like he'd been dragged through the nine circles of hell - by his testicles. — Kay Berrisford

Rachel knew what she was doing. And when she didn't, she could improvise on the fly, coming up with options that left a lot of collateral damage but usually only hurt herself, not the people around her. It was one of the things he would never admit that he admired about her. — Kim Harrison

Brett will need some clothes if someone can drop some by."
"All we need is a bear rug," Meghan said. — Terry Spear

I can finish that off and get you something better," he offered.
"You'd eat my leftovers? ... " I felt like such a prima donna. "You're a king."
"I'm a ... hungry ... king," he shrugged, as he unassumingly glanced to the side. "I'm not picky. — M.A. George

When an answer finally comes to me, I know I've completely lost all my wits - or as my mama used to tell my father, I have a few screws loose. — Brandy Nacole

Thank you for that, boy genius! Where did you graduate from? Hogwarts School for the Mentally Unbalanced? — Leia Shaw

No, I'm not shy." I folded my arms across my shell-covered chest. The press of the hard material against my sensitive nipples caused my core to tighten. "But I usually have to buy a girl a couple of drinks in order to be treated to a show like that."
She turned to look at me, the fringe on her dress swaying with her movement. A thin eyebrow arched, her cherry lips pulled into a dazzling smile. "Well." The intensity locked in her bright eyes as her green gaze moved from my head to my toes and back again made my entire body tingle. "I guess you owe me a drink, Meghan. — Elizabeth Morgan

How is it that I am completely naked while you haven't shed even one stitch of clothing?"
"Because you were dinner, Rebecca."
A snort escaped, mixing with her laughter. "Remind me to have dinner with you more often. I have been missing out."
"You? What about me? — Krystal Shannan

Laurie picks up a briefcase and places it on the table. He opens the lid and his head disappears under the top. Oh god. Is he about to introduce me to a cat of nine tails, or some bizarre tickling stick? Brace yourself Liz. Cate told you to always carry your pepper spray, you fool. — LeeAnn Whitaker

WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS? THE MAN'S A VAMPIRE!
Yeah, but he's a really, REALLY sexy one. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

I thought you were makin' small talk about the weather."
"When have I ever made small talk with you?"
"When we first met."
"No, I made small talk with Bessie, your shotgun, until you removed her double barrels from my kisser."
Violet and a typical conversation with Harvey — Ann Charles

Oh God, is this like Silence of the Lambs?" Tears flowed down her face. "I don't want to go down the hole! I won't put lotion on the skin! Look at me, you won't be able to wear my skin, I won't cover your huge ass!" She wailed. — Alanea Alder

Things on the essential list: vodka, Nine Inch Nails, a steady supply of mortal men, and an all-purpose bitchy attitude. — Richelle Mead

His eyes go wide while a gasp of wonder passes his lips. He turns his body fully toward us. His lips moving like a fish out of water, gasping for breath. He gives his head a shake and stutters out, Mer - mermaids. There are fish with women's bodies or - women with fish bodies sitting upon the rocks. I - I never knew ... — A.R. Von

He looked like a sexy ninja. Or a tiger ready to pounce on his prey. She just looked like she was sitting sideways on an invisible toilet. Curse the male species for making danger look so good! — Leia Shaw

There's a time and a place for everything. ... Yes. This is my time and you are in my place. — Poppet

Ramon looked closely at the little guy as he ate. "Maybe he's Jewish. I mean, if Sammy Davis Jr. could convert to Judaism, why not a chupacabra? We should name him Harry Mendelbaum."
I held up my arms in protest. "You're all racist. Now shut up. We'll call him Taco von Precious of Svenenstein. There, everybody happy?"
"Isn't von the same thing as of?" Frank asked. "Wouldn't that be kind of redundant?"
"You're redundant," I said. — Lish McBride

I'm not above using unsavory beings to kick the Gods' asses, but the Phantoms are too unpredictable for my taste, I said. — Laura Kreitzer

Unless the she-wolf agrees, there's always a chance of rejection. — Terry Spear

You do not mind my humor?"
"Not at all. I've not laughed like this ... " His brows drew together. "I think I've never laughed like this."
"Usually I exasperate people. And I jest at inappropriate times. Such as during executions. Freya says 'tis my gift and my bane to frustrate others."
"I like your manner, Reginleit. Life is long without humor. — Kresley Cole

In the darkened recesses of the Suburban, my opinion of the vampire rose considerably. There were far worse things than having to drink blood to survive. I could tolerate him, so long as he didn't try to make me his next meal. — Rose Wynters

You so need to lighten up about that potato-launcher incident," Butch said.
Phury rolled his eyes and eased back in the banquette. "You broke my window."
"Of course we did. V and I were aiming for it."
"Twice."
"Thus proving that he and I are outstanding marksmen. — J.R. Ward

He didn't know when he was going to get the chance to play WoW again. And it was damn important to do his bit to save all life on Azeroth while he could. — Thea Harrison

For the record," I do not desire your body. Not that you're hideous or anything, far from it. Even with those scars, your chest is really nice, and I like your legs because they aren't scrawny, and you have nice shoulders and naughty bits, but I've never been one to put physical attributes ahead of more important things."
"Such as?" He had his hands on his hips when he asked the question, which just made me want to giggle again.
"Intelligence, a sense of humor, and oh yes, not being a mythical creature." I swallowed another giggle. "Not that it wasn't a cool form, but still. I like my men without the sort of baggage that must go with being a shape-shifter."
"Is that so?" One eyebrow lifted.
"Yes."
"Then you will not like this." He pulled me against him, his mouth moving into place on mine, his breath hotter than I could have imagined. And then he kissed the very wits right out of my brain. — Katie MacAlister

He pulled out a dagger from ... she wasn't sure where. Did he have that in his loin cloth? What else does he have in there?
(Amy's thoughts, The Witching Pen) — Dianna Hardy

The soy is seeping through the material like a BP oil slick in a Louisiana swamp. — Poppet

She wears those old fashioned pj's like body armour. Going to bed these days is like wresting with Kevlar. — Poppet

This was sharing office space with wacko and bordering on ludicrous. — Kelly Moran

Did you get any blood on your breasts? I'm willing to go the extra mile. — Dannika Dark

You guessed? You must have been pretty sure, considering you could have killed me."
"I was ninety percent sure."
"I see," Clary said. There must have been something in her voice, because he turned to look at her. Her hand cracked across his face, a slap that rocked him back on his heels. He put his hands on his cheek, more in surprise than pain.
"What the hell was that for?"
"The other ten percent. — Cassandra Clare

More than anything." Rob persisted. "You'd crawl on your belly over broken glass for her. Easy. — L.J.Smith

I'm hoping you end up happily married to the man of your dreams and have a hoard of beautiful kids that'll keep you on your toes by turning your neighbours into various types of pond-life." He then shot her his signature grin. "But if it happens to be me, then I wouldn't say no."
(Karl to Elena in The Witching Pen) — Dianna Hardy

Mmm." Sebastian moaned. "It's so delicious." He laughed then. "It's not the Poisonous Desert; it's the Oreo Desert." He scooped up handfuls of dirt and stones and funneled it into his mouth. He licked his palms, his teeth grinding against rock.
"Did the plant scramble his brains?" Firen asked, her lips twitching just a smidgen.
"The plant's poison makes you delusional," Gabriella informed as Egnatious and Firen yanked Sebastian to his feet. "He'll probably be a bit Looneyville for a while. — Laura Kreitzer

You are such a wolf."
"When it comes to you? Absolutely. — Terry Spear

There aren't any syringes." Red Sox came over and held a sterile pack out. When she tried to take it from him, he kept a grip on the thing. "I know you'll use this wisely."
"Wisely?" She snapped the syringe out of his hand. "No, I'm going to poke him in the eye with it. Because that's what they trained me to do in medical school. — J.R. Ward

I paused for a moment, debating whether to turn and look what was happening. My senses told me Obo's presence was still at my side, and turning my face into the barrel of a gun seemed like an ill-advised way to cap off this day of monumentally stupid decisions. — M.A. George

Ever since I saw you" - she pulled me closer and draped both of my legs over her shoulders. Her eyes blazed with hunger - "I have just wanted to eat you up. — Elizabeth Morgan

Turns out that once you kill a god, people want to talk to you. Paranormal insurance salesmen with special "godslayer" term life policies. Charlatan's with "godproof" armor and extraplanar safe houses for rent. But most notably, other gods ... — Kevin Hearne

You ever had a hickey? I want to give you a hickey."
"Karl, we're not fourteen!"
"Don't bloody care. I was in love with you when I was fourteen
your neck owes me a hickey."
(Karl & Elena) — Dianna Hardy

When the mind is free, magic happens. — C.G. Rousing

Herbs, vials, and crap," I grumble. "Where are the massive weapons and spirit fighting spears?"
"So impatient," Cooper says, mocking, and goes to pick up a tube filled with powder. "You know, these herbs and vials and crap are important."
"Yes, because crap always sounds necessary. — Brandy Nacole

The cleanest civilization I've ever seen ... and the number one thing you pack for a wedding is a jar of dirt? — M.A. George

When she scooped up her clothes, opened his door, then snapped her fingers for a guard down the hall, Wroth watched like a bystander.
"Pssst. Minion. I need these laundered. Very little starch. Don't just stand there gawking or you'll anger my good frenemy General Wroth. We're like this."
He couldn't see her but knew she was twining two fingers together. — Kresley Cole

You're apologizing? Seriously, what happened to you? Have you been taken over by a pod person? — Dianne Duvall

The little weasel ripped all the buttons off my couch.
Ivan Petrovsky, pg 350 — Kerrelyn Sparks

Where did you meet?" he pressed on.
I shrugged and considered a little rephrasing. "I was out for a run."
"From who?"
I leaned back to take a long, very long, slow sip of that beer.
Knox leaned forward. "I think we're both bullsh*tting here, you ever play that card game?"
"With my grandma, every Sunday after church. — Dannika Dark

Fuck you!" "Right here?" He crossed his arms. "That definitely wouldn't help your getting over me. — Stacey Marie Brown

It wasn't necessarily that I wasn't a fan of fairies. Really. It wasn't that. It was that I wasn't a fan of being taken hostage by a group of fairies. — C.M. Stunich

I wish I could say I'm low maintenance, but I like some of the finer things in life ... like a toothbrush. — M.A. George

If by 'foe' you mean a brutal killer, then I suppose I'd fall into the 'friend' category," I replied cynically. "Although in your case, we may have to find a secret option number three. — M.A. George

She needs tampons. Evidently it helps with this process. We have to secure the location of where they are being sold, acquire them and then get them back to my mate posthaste. — Alanea Alder

Maybe because you're thinking right now that my tractor's sexy." Colby winked at her.

Emma's face turned a shade of beet red, and she threw her arms up in the air frustratedly. "Ugh! Can you please stay out of my thoughts, or at least keep quiet about them when we're around our friends? Please? — Jody Morse

I'm not 'stubborn.'"

"Oh, really?"

Lifting my chin, I said, "I'm determined." (Violet to Doc) — Ann Charles

Seriously, Palta ... " He was honestly puzzled, "I haven't got a clue what you're talking about. What about your ears is supposed to be so bizarre?"
"Um ... You'd have to be blind to miss them," I replied sarcastically. "If you're not, you will be when you poke your eye out on one of them. — M.A. George

I might be able to walk away from sexy, dangerous shifters, but chocolate had me at its beck and call. — Meghan Ciana Doidge

You have a mother?"
His mouth quirked with humor.
"Yep, and a father too! Every kid normally has one of each to begin with.
He was teasing me in an affectionate way... — Terry Spear

What the hell was going on, why did I care, and why, oh why, did I not carry a pocket rocket in my purse? My girlie bits were still on fire, screaming for release after Mr. Sex God's orgasmic touch. — Lisa Sanchez

Death was hardest on the living. - Cody Forester, Wolfsbane Brew — Roxanne Smolen

Tell you what, you let me go, and I'll ask you plenty of questions about your race. Until then, I'm slightly distracted with how this little vacation on the good ship Holy Sh*t is going to pan out for me. — J.R. Ward

The telltale clenching of hands into fists is all the invitation I need as I close the gap to hound his personal space.
Suck on my aura you spineless shit! — Poppet

I was seven," she answered. "In my room, under the bed, I heard something like fingernails dragging across the floor. I got up the courage, hung my head over the side, and looked under."

"You're never supposed to do that," Mila gasped. "Seriously, don't you pay attention to the horror movies? — Lani Brown

He's hot. Too hot for me. Jeez, if he said the word sex to me I would probably pass-out. — LeeAnn Whitaker

More dangerous than being in a house full of vampires? I think I'll take my chances, Mr. Fallinsworth."

"I think we're way past formalities here since my cock has been inside that hot, wet, delicious body of yours. — K.L. Kreig

Get your fang boner under control. Your freaking out my person — Alanea Alder

You're fucking kidding me, right?"
"I don't kid about fucking. — Stacey Marie Brown

All masculine, hard-bodied and sensual, he was a deadly weapon sent by the gods to drive women mad, and a walking billboard for all things wicked and carnal. Orgasms! Get your orgasms here. Hot and juicy! Just how you like 'em! — Lisa Sanchez

I can only imagine what goes on in that head of yours ... " he teased. "I assure you I haven't taken up black magic, ritualistic sacrifice, or - "
"Plushophilia?" I tagged on.
"Excuse me? ... " came his half-confused, half-intrigued reaction.
"An obsession with stuffed animals," I clarified. "I mean, you are a young one ... "
"Where did you come up with that?" He kept his hands firmly covering my eyes, but I could hear the amused smile in his voice. "Is that even a real word?"
"I'm a doctor, I know these things," I shrugged. — M.A. George

He wanted more, as did I, but we still had a ways to go. I wasn't a tease and my demands seemed pretty reasonable: always be honest and try not to eat me.

~ Sam, Living Violet — Jaime Reed

You get a kick out of shocking the pants off me, don't you?" I shook my head with a smirk.

He just shrugged with a playful smile, his eyes momentarily flitting toward my pants before returning to meet my gaze.

"It's an expression," I rolled my eyes. "Don't tell me you aren't familiar with it, Mr. Smarty Pants."

"You have quite a repertoire of 'pants' references, don't you? — M.A. George

Oh for craps sake. You're not dying again, are you? It's seriously inconvenient when you do that. -Aphrodite — P.C. Cast

You can't be a bad girl, unless you actually do something bad."

-Megan Barnett — E. Van Lowe

Hello little one. Did you know you're on private property?"

"Really? I had no idea." Meryn fudged.

He raised an eyebrow. "The ten foot fence right behind you didn't give it away? — Alanea Alder

Do Dragons eat Mexican?" Hank wondered out loud.
"Dude, they eat people. Mexican is a vast improvement over people. — Robyn Peterman

Hell hath no fury like a queen scorned. ...
... That would be the last time he made a crack about being a flamer to someone with a flamethrower for hands. Though he'd really lost it when Raven sang the lyric to Disco Inferno. — J.T. Bock

We're all guilty of saying insincere things at one point or another, if only just to make the moment not totally suck as much as it truly does. — Jen Naumann

Haylee shook her head as soon as they were gone. Christ, how can our family be mankind's best hope? — Natasha Larry

He peered down at me. "Jesus Christ. You're leaking."
If by "leaking" he meant "sobbing like a girl," I guess so. — Lili St. Crow

I dry heaved, forcing myself to try and not chuck up my guts. I had been f**ked by an insect man. — Mark Alders

Usually my form of turning someone down was shoving a stake through his heart while smirking, Gotcha! — Jeaniene Frost

I'll make it pleasurable for you, Injun, he promised. And we'll do it face to face, so your wolf won't think I'm dominating you. No doggy style. — Charlie Richards

They don't fit you?" V asked his roommate.
"Not the point. No offense, but these are wicked Village People." Butch held his heavy arms out and turned in a circle, his bare chest catching the light. "I mean, come on."
"They're for fighting, not fashion."
"So are kilts, but you don't see me rocking the tartan."
"And thank God for that. You're too bowlegged to pull that shit off."
Butch assumed a bored expression. "You can bite me. — J.R. Ward

Well, of course. But, we already knew that. I mean ... I am kind of a big deal-Matt Carter — Natasha Larry

If you fuck like your eyes do, your wife must be one delighted lady. — Poppet